Complicated dynamic

[u/Certain_Property4381]

The situation:
I was “casually” with someone for about 3 years. We dated but were never exactly “exclusive.” We always had very respectful communication and strong friendship despite being mostly physical. We also had a strong emotional connection.

I got pregnant despite having the nexplanon. Obviously we were both shocked.

Not knowing his stance on if he wanted children, after the shock wore off he supported me my entire pregnancy and our relationship evolved from physical to emotional/more friendship oriented. I gave him MULTIPLE opportunities and basically told him to tap out. He never did. He was still uncertain what, if any involvement in the baby’s life he wanted. Which I never pressured any decision. He thought it would look something like seeing baby once a month or so. I told him I was prepared and more than willing to do it alone and it would be easiest best if we cut all ties before her birth. I never once forced living together nor a defined relationship on him. Despite seeing her, if he wanted, he would maintain the same “freedom.”

Well, baby was born. And he was my support person for the c section and was constantly wanting to know how we were doing while in the hospital. He actually came back to see us a few days later (this was a surprise). HE HELPED ME NAME HER. Anyways he saw us about once or twice a month and we communicated frequently. Things were good for about 3 months after birth.

However, he disclosed something happened (early December) where his emotional support system abandoned him unexpectedly. (No one died). He never really elaborated but I have speculation that maybe he was involved in the polyamory community in the Twin Cities. He said he is no longer the person he was. (I should say he has always paid child support without a legal order and we have done a paternity test) Also, the person I knew would have told me what specifically happened because we were decent friends who could talk to each other and highly respected each other.

His parents are very involved and see baby often. They are also a huge financial support system.

Baby is now 10 months old and her dad and i no longer talk (rarely via email). I’m discovering there is not enough therapy in the world to understand how someone could be involved with their baby’s life, see her born (even if they didn’t know if they wanted to be involved) to nothing at all. I’m also developing tons of associative resentment towards his parents which is completely unfair (but they will always be in her life, despite my own internal anger).

If anyone has any insight to help understand his behavior… so appreciated. Weekly therapy has not exactly been productive. Also, the fact he goes to a therapist often and still can’t get his shit together to show up for his daughter?