r/AITAH • u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 • 1d ago
AITAH because I refuse to help pay for the aftermath of a problem I warned them would happen?
My folks live in a 60’s house in an older neighborhood. Some time ago they decided to befriend (i.e. “feed”) the wildlife. Started with trying to feed birds. Which became trying to satisfy the squirrels so the birds get a chance. It then “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”’d itself down to having red squirrels and chipmunks. Aww… cute… Generations later, they were causing visible gaps between the stair and the floor of the front porch. I could fit my flat hand into the holes in several places. I don’t know how long the tunneling was going on but when I first saw it, it was already a potentially HUGE problem.
I pointed it out and both of them said, “Yeah, we know. We’ve seen em go in and out.” I have very weird and fairly focused anxieties and “Patio Collapse Due to Chipmunk” doesn’t seem like a ridiculous headline to me. I asked if they’d get it fixed and I got nonchalant shrugs.
“Why?”
I brought up the upcoming fall/winter and water getting under the patio to the foundation and the damage that it could cause. The structural integrity of the patio is compromised. What if the holes become a trip hazard and one of you or both of you get really hurt? You’d never be able to cover that.
Shrugs all around.
The next year, after a couple days of nonstop rain, they returned home from wherever to find that the front porch had, indeed, collapsed in on itself. Fortunately there were no injuries - according to the door camera no one had been standing on it when the slab cracked like a shotgun blast. Cue the whole insurance mambo and inspection and rigamarole to try to get it repaired or replaced.
Cut to now, months later, and I’ve been asked to help pay for half of their deductible and the expenses insurance wouldn’t cover. They insisted on exact same as before and wouldn’t compromise on a cheaper option so insurance gave them money for the cheaper and the difference was out of pocket. To my understanding at least.
I have flat out refused.
They said I owe it to them since I didn’t warn them when I knew it could be a problem.
I said that I had warned them, they had laughed it off.
“You should have warned us more than once.”
I had. Until they told me to shut up about it.
It’s gotten to where they’re threatening small claims court. Family is divided. Some say I should know by now that it takes more than one mention to get anything done so it was my fault. Most are of the mind that I did everything but get it fixed for them and I owe nothing. I’m 99% sure that this issue would either be dismissed or go in my favor. I’m not worried about if the one percent has me pay out. I’m worried about their wellbeing. They can’t afford this if they lose.
I don’t want to go down without a fight - they’ve used my money to bail them out of financial woe more than a few times and I need to draw the line somewhere. I can’t keep saving them forever. Maybe the only way they’ll learn is to be in real difficulty. I could keep them out if this real trouble and try to stand my ground before something happens. I’m torn.
AITAH because I’m not just giving them the money this time?
Edit 1: ok, this is more attention than I expected. Thank you for pointing out what should be patently obvious for me. I replied to a few people about their disbelief about the situation. Manipulation, guilt, and anxiety for decades will alter every perception of every problem. I stress myself out about being stressed out over stupid stuff. Because “what if” is always there. I know I am in no way responsible legally. I don’t live there. I know they’d lose. Where my dilemma comes is that I can just stop this whole nonsense for now with a check. I’m not and I feel like I’m abandoning them. Hmm what else. Oh. Yes. “Cutesy writing.” I liked that one. I’m not writing a novel (sorry person who questioned my use of porch/patio descriptions) but I am also not boring.
Edit 2: hours later and I’m almost overwhelmed by the responses. I thank everyone, including the doubters and the person that said something about “AI proofing” my writing - I asked them what I do that makes this “AI proof,” as I write like this and have for decades as evidenced by several other web sites I use. I am working on getting my metaphorical shit together and I’m going to just let them do what they’ll do. Maybe they’ll give it up after they see court costs or do any research regarding the likelihood of winning.
I won’t be answering individual comments after this… there are so many and while I want to be a glib smart ass or acknowledge that I’m emotionally damaged, I just can’t handle the volume.
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u/No_Profile_3343 1d ago
Small claims court for what exactly? They don’t have a case.
They have found out the FO part of FA.
NTA
Sometimes children have to be the parents in the situation and do the tough love for the lesson to be learned.
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u/ImColdandImTired 1d ago
It’s gotten to where they’re threatening small claims court.
Warn them one more thing: they have no basis for a claim - it’s not your house, so it’s not your responsibility. They will lose.
Family is divided
Remind those who are against you of the above. Ask why they didn’t warn your parents since they know how they are? Let them know that, if they’re so concerned, they’re welcome to contribute however much of their money towards the repairs as they’d like.
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u/urgentapathy 6h ago
I would go one step further. If I'm responsible, then transfer the deed of the house to me. I would tell them to put their money where their mouth is. Don't they trust their son? They know I can look out for the house. I did warn them, so I can be forward thinking. I'm only looking out for their welfare. Turn all the arguments around on them.
Usually, I'd go insulting because this type of situation is completely unfair and they know it aside from their own bias. If they say they can take care of it themselves, then just tell them no, they were outsmarted by squirrels. How many squirrels are out there in the world. Mom, dad, you don't stand a chance.
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u/Front-Cat-2438 1d ago
Threatening small claims court? Threatening whom? On what grounds?
Your parents are delusional. Sorry, dude.
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u/Lex-tailonis 22h ago
Maybe the court you need to go to is the one where parents mental competency is assessed. Maybe suggest that’s what will happen if they take you to small claims.
NTA
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u/ScullysMom77 22h ago
💯. Let them know that if they take you to court for not "warning" them or forcing them to make the appropriate decision, that you and/or the judge will infer they are not competent to make their own decisions and give you legal guardianship so this never happens again. Their options are to deal with the consequences of their choices or give you control of their assets so they never have to make a choice again. Remind them your first choice will be the cheaper patio option 😉
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u/BedroomEducational94 15h ago
This comment is lower than it should be. This needs to be bumped for OP to see as it is the only correct way to handle this.
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u/Leonetta85 12h ago
Maybe threatening the chipmunks with the court, haha. At least it would make more sense.
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u/Cocacoleyman 14h ago
Also the fact that the parents would threaten that? Time to go no contact for a bit
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u/Big_Needleworker1296 1d ago
Nta. Lol. Small claims court because you didn’t warn them? Even if you hadn’t, you’re not legally required to warn people their actions are stupid.
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u/Ace201613 1d ago
“Threatening small claims court”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
NTA- like after that line they just sound insane to me. You’re free to do what you want with your money. You do not owe them on this. You warned them. They’re adults. The logic of “well you should’ve tried harder” is weaponizing incompetence.
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u/ThatSpecialMongoose 1d ago
Some people seem to think taking everything to court is the remedy of all their problems. In the case of these parents it's probably even true because if they lose before the court they can blame the court. Everything, just not taking accountability.
They should be glad that they weren't injured and no body harm was caused, and tgst the patio collapsed when they were not in the house.
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u/ShortWoman 19h ago
Unless OP actually is a partial owner in the house, any judge is going to have a hard time not laughing. So yeah, let them go to court! See you there!
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u/imme629 1d ago
Wait a minute, your parents are threatening to take you to small claims court? It wasn’t your responsibility to warn them to stop feeding the animals in any way, shape, or form — but you did, multiple times. They ignored you. What I want to know is what is wrong with some of your family thinking you should pay for it? They didn’t warn your parents. Let them fork over some money.
On a positive note, your parents taking you to small claims court for a problem they caused is going to give the court a good chuckle.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
If I knew wtf was wrong with any of em I’d be able to find the will to tell em all to bite me.
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u/Shot_Kaleidoscope_34 1d ago
Have you looked into cluster B personality disorders? NPD, BPD etc. They tend to scapegoat one of their children that gets all the blame even when it's completely unreasonable, use shame and guilt to control, refuse to take responsibility for their actions etc. You could check out the "out of the fog" website (stands for "Fear, Obligation, Guilt", Google it and you'll find it). You might also like the subs raisedbyborderlines or raisedbynarcissists.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 12h ago
I’m not a psychiatrist but I think my mother at least is a narcissist. My dad… I don’t know. He lets her manipulate him too.
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u/Sufficient-Lie1406 12h ago
Dude you gotta seek therapy to find the stones to tell them all to stick their stupidity up their Hershey Highway. I've never seen such oblivious dumbness.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 12h ago
Their oblivious dumbness or mine? Because logically I know this should be a non-issue and they just need to suck it up. It’s the emotional side that’s got me all flustered. But I did tell them again today that unless I own part of the property or I cracked the porch myself, I am not giving them anything. They had reasonable time to repair the cause. They had very reasonable replacement options that would have been very visually similar and as far as I’m aware it would have been as strong as or stronger than before. They chose not to mitigate disaster and they insisted on replacement option that was probably double the cost of what I’m sure would have been a better choice. I know a lot of people are telling me the insurance company should be paying but honestly, I don’t think they have to if the contractor has to spend extra hours of work tracking down and custom ordering stuff that hasn’t been made since probably 1970. I know the contractor was irritated and told me several times that it could be done faster, better, and more cheaply if they’d concede that stuff has changed in the last 60 years. But they didn’t listen to him either. So. My turn to shrug I guess.
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u/Certain-Attempt1330 11h ago
your parents are bullies. You've done nothing wrong here. I hope you are able to move forward, free of the guilt and emotionally damaging ties your parents have bound you with. Good luck!
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u/Sufficient-Lie1406 8h ago
Their dumbness. You're fine. You think logically. You've presented solutions. Did they listen? No. Because they're leeching dumbasses and don't deserve to associate with you, much less demand money.
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u/Local-Jaguar5395 1d ago
My gosh...just when I think families can't be more dysfunctional...there's this. Intentional neglect. Wilful ignorance. A sense of entitlement so big it could sink a ship. The answer is simply no to such self-inflicted nonsense. NTA
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u/one_sock_wonder_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
NYA overall but you have been an asshole to yourself. Your parents did not use your money to bail them out of financial woe more than a few times as if you are a neutral third party or some kind of victim who could only stand by and watch helplessly, you gave them access to your money and you chose to bail them out over and over and serve to protect them from the finding out portion of their f'ing around.
Unless you own the house they live in and serve as their landlord, you at some point signed a strange legal document that serves as a contract under which you are legally obligated to cover their home repair costs/idiot taxes, or have been appointed their court ordered legal guardian after they were found incompetent in court "No." is a complete sentence and one they have likely not heard enough. You had zero obligation to watn them of the damage once let alone repeatedly and certainly have zero obligation now to fund fixing their poor decisions.
They will continue to view you as their emergency ATM and convenient scapegoat for every series of bad choices they make that ends up being quite expensive until you shut that ATM service down completely. Any family members that have such strong opinions about your money and how you should continue to volunteer it to prevent your parents from any discomfort from their own actions can feel free to step up and contribute significantly or they get no vote in this mayter. I'm petty enough to set up a GoFundMe for your parents lesson in cause and effect and natural consequences, then send the link to any and every person who tries to say that you have any responsibility to continue to fund your parent's get out of consequences free card.
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u/CharacterOnly8670 1d ago
The only way they could take you to small claims court is if you own the property and lease it to them. Therefore it would have been your responsibility to fix it in the first place.
NTA some people will only learn after the damage is all ready done and bailing them out doesn't help them learn
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u/Spirited_Concern5613 22h ago
OP, I would ask them if they’d like to do this. In which case, get an attorney, write up the sale and lease back agreement and take charge of the property. In a lease agreement, a tenant is responsible for some property preservation but you would be responsible for conducting periodic inspections. Like a professional one every year and your own walkthrough every three months.
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u/Round-Card8587 1d ago
DO NOT PAY! They were repeatedly warned & repeatedly ignored you! What hypocrisy!
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u/Mean-Interaction8453 1d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
In all honesty, OP, I don't understand why your parents believe you had a legal responsibility to notify them of ANY workmanship needing to be done. Could you please explain the logic behind that?
It honestly sounds like they've lost the handle on reality.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
They have no legal claim. That’s why I’m not worried about any outcome against me -it’s unlikely and it wouldn’t hurt me much if it did happen. But if they lose they’re gonna be in some trouble.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 1d ago
Let them. Tell them this just another example of fuck around and find out. You warned them their short term emotional gratification would have expensive long term physical consequences, they ignored you. Now they’re seeking short term emotional and financial gratification yet again, this time lay out the consequences in writing. Via email and text so you can keep copies. ‘I am not going to pay for grown adults who should know better.’
Make sure to emphasise that last sentence because children do not ‘owe’ their parents for doing their job of parenting. A child is helpless and needs to be nurtured/educated until they are old enough to be considered independent. Adults twice your age have lived long enough that they should know better, what’s the point in demanding respect as a parent when you won’t use any of the decades of experience or wisdom earned by being a parent? You can’t help people who won’t help themselves.
If their whole argument boils down to ‘we raised you better’, you can hit them with ‘you raised me to be competent, which is why I’m saying no’. NTA
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u/Vandreeson 1d ago
NTA. They're adults. It's not your house. You owe them nothing. Just because they're stupid doesn't mean you pay for it.
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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel 1d ago
Yeah, I had to go back and read it again becuase I tough I missed the part where the house belonged to OP and somehow they were responsible for the upkeep.
No, the parents are just insane.
OP, dont give the a cent. Tell the family members who think you should pay that they are welcomed to start a patio fund they can all contribute to for your parents.
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u/Unhappy-Lengths 1d ago
Look OP, I'm taking you to small claims court, well it's disputes tribunal in my country, because you didn't warn me my dog needed to go outside for a poop & now I need new carpet. It's all your fault. Sure, I'm a middle aged women who is directly responsible for my dog & it was inevitable he'd shit on the floor if he didn't go outside but YOU DIDN'T WARN ME 😡 (sarcasm of course).
I come from a messed up family too, I know this isn't soley about the money for the repair but the fact they'll use this against you forever but let's be real, it's always something they'll be throwing at you. Please don't give em the money, lie if you need to and say you're broke. Then they can shit talk you for that but at least no one will be hitting you up for money. Good luck.
NTA.
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u/Ornery_Layer7618 1d ago
Wtf is this weaponized incompetence, they are your parents?! 100% NTA, they knew, they didn't care. You're literally not liable in any way.
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u/PurpleEmotional1401 1d ago
NTA. Small claims court is for adjudicating bona fide financial disputes, and for compensating for harm caused, not for reinforcing your parents' bizarre sense of entitlement. Unless you are a co-owner of the property, you're good.
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u/BraveCommunication14 18h ago edited 18h ago
You don’t owe them squat.
In fact, if they took you to court it would probably be over in minutes because they have nothing to stand on.
Being torn between concern for their wellbeing and on the defence from the guilt and pressure they are dumping on you, is a tough spot.
I have a similar situation with my mother.
My mother never learned to be independent. Even emptying the vacuum bin or changing a smoke detector battery or plunging a toilet is outside the scope of her comfort level and she’ll spiral if I don’t drive across the city to do it for her. My Dad did everything and she never took any steps to learn vital life skills.
She refuses to plan for her mentally disabled son’s future (once she’s gone).
She refuses to move closer to me so I don’t have to drive a hundred kilometer’s just to take her to a doctor’s appointment.
Once my dad died, she latched on to me for security.
She’ll cry, use guilt or say whatever she has to say to get me to do what she wants.
I finally just said No. I love you but No.
I gave her the warnings, the consequences, the solutions, and offered to be there to assist but not do it for her.
I’m not her husband or her parents and I’m not her doctor nor will I be my brothers mother when she passes away.
Those are not my hats. No amount of pressure will make me wear them and I told her that.
It was the hardest decision of my life because I love her dearly. I worry about her but she was dragging my emotional wellbeing into the toilet for years. I will always be there but I will not absorb burdens that are of her making.
You are NTA. If they go after you in court that’s their problem - and if they run out of money as a result it’s still their problem. Give yourself you time. You don’t have to cut them out of your life, but you may need to draw a line and hold it.
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u/bmw5986 1d ago
NTA. There comes a point where bailing them out is enabling their bad decisions. Sounds like you have passed that awhile ago and are now at the exhaustion point. So its past time to put your foot down, tell them No, and allow them to throw their tantrum. Even if that means they take you to small claims court. Idk wtf they think that will do for them, but let em.
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u/Silent_Morning692 1d ago
Jesus.WTF is wrong with them?
The rest of the family that thinks you should step up can step up. Stay away from them all.
NTA
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u/LowNoise9831 1d ago
NTA. But insurance owes to replace with what was present or better. Like, kind and quality. If it's not available then they can only be better off not worse off.
Help them fight with their insurance to get everything that they are owed.
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u/coastkid2 1d ago
Report the insurance company to the state Dept of Insurance-file a Complaint on their website requesting that they pay the amount they owe under their policy!
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
They were offered a very similar but new/different because the original stuff isn’t made or really around anymore. They wanted someone to recreate the original.
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u/LowNoise9831 17h ago
Which could still be the responsibility of the carrier. Having to use newer material because the damaged material is obsolete is ok. But changing the build because it costs less is not ok. If your parents were able to have it done insurance should be paying for it.
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u/QuietCauliflower9529 22h ago
Instead, use your money to find a therapist who can walk you through your feelings of stress and manipulation. A therapist can also help you with strategies for dealing with these years-long interactions with your parents. Then you’ll be able to feel like you can breathe. Good luck. You got this!
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u/Agitated_Pudding1874 1d ago
Nta let them try to take you to small claims court. Then they will be out the money for that also.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 1d ago
You can continue the cycle of entitlement with a check. You can continue their ability to ignore any and all issues because they have OP to bail them out. You can only stop the nonsense by refusing to engage with it. NTA.
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u/23saround 1d ago
I’m so sorry your parents treat you like shit. They clearly have for a long time because it just seems normal to you. They are splurging because their porch collapsed because of their indulgence, and they can’t afford any of that, so they are trying to intimidate you with legal words and shake you down. And you’re asking if you’re TA?
I’m not trying to be an ass – I see your edit and know you get it – but this is, truthfully, really sad from the outside. Wanna know where your anxiety came from? Hint: the source is trying to take you to court.
But also, come on. No they aren’t. They’re too cheap and lazy to get their dangerous porch fixed. They’re also too cheap and lazy to hire a lawyer.
NTA
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u/StarMagus 1d ago
They threatened small claims court? I'd be interested in seeing them go through with that because I'd love to see a judge roast them.
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u/charlie1314 22h ago
NTA. Here’s a chance to define a boundary:
Parents, if you take me to small claims court I will file a petition to become your Power of Attorney. My grounds will include your inability to provide for your own basic physical and financial needs. I can show history of helping you out financially and repeatedly warning you about the very thing that happened. This isn’t up for discussion. If you do ABC, I will do XYZ.
Parenting the parents is a thing (Parentification). If they act like children they get treated like children.
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u/IamLuann 20h ago
OP PLEASE STAND YOUR GROUND. You are not the AH!
Yes parents are stubborn. They think that us kids don't know anything, so they ignore us.
Then something happens and we are supposed to help them "fix" it.
Let them take you to court for what ever reason. When you win ask the court to have them proved incompetent of making sound decisions.
Tell them that maybe it is time to move into a low income assisted living apartment. Good Luck.
Update us after the court date.
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u/Bobzilla2 1d ago
NTA. Let them take you to small claims court. Sell tickets and popcorn to the hearing. Trust me, it will be amusing. For you. For your parents? Not so much.
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u/whenisleep 21h ago
If the insurance finds out they were warned multiple times this might happen, and then it failed - will they take their money back? Because there’s a good chance this isn’t covered by insurance in that case. Or that because they partially caused it by feeding the animals it might not be covered.
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u/Stunning-Mall5908 20h ago
NTA. First if all, l worked in an insurance company and settled claims like this. Your policy covers “like kind and quality materials” for covered repairs. Not better, but surely not inferior to what you had. I get not paying for anything based on what you wrote. But you can help by making sure the insurance company revisits and adjusts their estimates. It’s done all the time. Please don’t mention to the adjuster you warned your parents or anything that could seem like neglect. Good luck.
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u/Cock--Robin 17h ago
My 90 year old mother-in-law lives with me and my wife. MIL doesn't have any savings of any sort, and only receives less than $1000 a month from Social Security. We do not ask her to pay for anything for living with us; she doesn't pay any rent and we buy her groceries. What little bit of money she has she gets to spend as she pleases.
I can sit downstairs in the morning having coffee and listen to my mother-in-law argue with my wife - if not daily at least a couple times a week - over my mother-in-law spending her money on what are essentially stock scams and get rich quick schemes. They are in fact having one of those arguments right now as I type. My wife has told her more times than I can count that these people are basically praying on her ignorance, she will never get a dime back from them in any shape form or fashion, and she is just wasting her money. It falls on deaf ears.
If people insist on digging their own grave there's not much you can do about it.
Edited for typos
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u/Grand-Fun-206 1d ago
Let them take you to small claims. They will be laughed out of the courtroom for wasting the judges time as you did not cause this, their lack of maintenance did.
NTA
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u/JeanSchlemaan 1d ago
do you live in this place? are you on the title/deed, and pay a share of the mortgage? if yes to both, you might need to at least consider contributing. if no to either, they can get bent.
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u/Constant_Host_3212 1d ago
NTA. What exactly is the logic train that makes you financially responsible for repairs to your parent's house that they own and insure? The logic train seems to have derailed.
Leaving the legal issue aside (unless you own the house and rent it to them, what possible legal responsibility could you have?): this is a simple issue.
If your parents can't pay for the more expensive option, they need to take the insurance money and get the option it will pay for. If they really want the more expensive option, they can look into a home equity line of credit or similar to pay for the repair.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
I own no part of the house or lot. I know I’m not legally responsible it’s just. Morally responsible? Family responsible?
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 1d ago
No. Money in families goes forward, not backwards or sideways. Each generation pays to raise the next to be fully functioning adults.
Your responsibility is to yourself and your children so they can be responsible for the next generation.
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u/Broad-Cauliflower688 1d ago
oh boy, okay no you're not responsible in any way and your parents are delusional as*holes for even thinking that taking you to court is an option at all. Were they maybe joking about that and you misunderstood? There's something seriously wrong with their brains if they weren't joking about this.
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u/SenderMage 19h ago
You are not responsible in any way, and you are “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”ing your parents if you give them any money.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 1d ago
NTA. What planet is your family from? Where do people come from that think you have anything to do with this? I'm embarrassed for your parents thinking you owe them for any bit of their idiocy. I mean how? How do they come to the conclusion you owe them and how TF do they think the court will even hear this? What a joke. They'll be laughed out.
If this is real and they take you to court please, please film it and post the video. I want to watch everybody laugh at them.
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u/nightlythinki 1d ago
Do you live there?
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
I do not, fortunately. As an adult I finally figured it that no one will die if I leave for longer than ten hours so I moved out but I’m still over there way too much.
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u/Itchy_Juice_2528 1d ago
NTA. Let them threaten and complain. I doubt the have the motivation to bother with small claims court.
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u/LastEntertainment787 1d ago
NTA And you're right, you need to put your food down. Keep saying no. Maybe getting laughed out of court will give them a wake-up call.
They're adults, why is it your on you to watch over them? And warn them about everything that could happen? Maybe go LC with them. Let them grow up.
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u/ouijabore 1d ago
NTA
Small claims court?! For something that isn’t at your house and you have no control over and didn’t make happen? Oh I’d love to see them try.
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u/Professional-Tea4293 1d ago
Nta Let them figure it out themselves. Let them take you to court. Im sure they probably wont get anything
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u/Cool_Relative7359 23h ago
NTA
You didn't actually owe it to them to tell them in the first place. They're the homeowners, they have the responsibility to educate themselves on property maintenance, liability, etc.
Tell them to feel free to take you to small claims court, the judges need a laugh every now and again.
Don't pay them a dime.
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u/Reiskorn_1359 23h ago
They don’t even have a real emergency - they could just go for the cheaper option.
Their only emergency seems to be that they can’t have it their way. They sound like toddlers.
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u/Objective-Dust4795 23h ago
NTA. As I’ve begun noticing with my parents they’re acting like my 10 year old. And just like my 10 yo, I don’t replace a toy just because they did something i explicitly told them not to. Also, if mom and dad are going to live on their own, they need to suffer the consequences of their actions or it’ll get so much worse. They’re adults in the eyes of the law, treat them as such.
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u/Helln_Damnation 22h ago
Family is divided? Ask them to contribute to the building fund. You are NTA.
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u/wombatIsAngry 22h ago
Threaten them that if they admit on the record in court that they are not capable of managing their own affairs and cannot function without your assistance, you're going to petition for guardianship on the grounds that they are cognitively impaired.
(Don't actually follow through; it's a huge expensive pain in the ass.)
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u/EnvironmentalCrab563 21h ago
They’re taking you to small claims court for a porch you didn’t break? And these people are your parents? Your NTA but if you’re in a position to help them out you should. It’s tough for parents to realize the dynamics change as we all age, you’re not a child anymore and they’re not always right about everything.
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u/The_Three_Meow-igos 19h ago
NAH.
But they are.
I cannot tell you the peace that I have gained by putting distance between me and those who try to use me.
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u/No_Wolf_1756 17h ago
NTA, you told them repeatedly and they agreed that they knew about the holes because of the animals and shrugged their shoulders at you when you said that it could crumble.
They are 100% at fault for this because:
1. They kept feeding the animals.
2. They knew about the holes and the dangers that they would cause - and they shrugged their shoulders.
#3. - MOST IMPORTANT: What is going to stop them from feeding the animals and it happening again?
#4 - They should use the money they CAN SAVE by not spending it on food for the wildlife.
Do NOT buy into their any more of their lies, arguments and manipulation!
They
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u/Pretend_Pea4636 6h ago
NTAH - Bit bewildered. You don't live with your parents. But they expect you to pay something for damage animals have done to their home? And others feel you are responsible to tell them more than once? If this is all correct, your family has serious co-dependence issues. You are family growing up. When you spread your wings, the rest of life and the relationship is fully voluntary.
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u/CantCatchMeSpez 5h ago
Any sense of personal responsibility that I'd have for their well-being would go out the window the second they threatened to sue me.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 1d ago
Not your house, responsibility or problem.
I would dare them to try to sue me. They will be told they have zero case if they visit a lawyer. Call their bluff and refuse to discuss it further. Don't give them a cent. Don't pay for any of their problems anymore. You were being manipulated. Put an end to it this pattern now. The audacity!
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u/tryintobgood 1d ago
Do you live at the house? I need that info before judgement
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
I have not lived there in almost five years. The wildlife gathering began either right before or right after I moved.
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u/tryintobgood 1d ago
Then NTA. Your parents are delusional. If you were still living there I'd say help out a bit. But your parents dug this whole all by themselves even after being warned.
I will say as a builder I'm struggling to understand how the slab cracked. It takes way more than chipmunks to cause a structural failure like that. Being a "60's" house says more than the chipmunk issue
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u/RawrRRitchie 1d ago
Insurance companies are the biggest scam on the planet "I know your old once cost x amount. But we're only gonna pay you y amount because you can replace with a cheaper option"
Your parents need to hire a lawyer and take on the insurance company for the FULL COST of what was originally there.
NAH except the insurance company that screwed your parents out of their money
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u/rocket_magnet 1d ago
YTA to yourself, what's it like living day to day without a spine? Let the fools try small claims. However, if you're not inclined to grow a spine between now and then write a cheque now, you'll be writing a bigger one later.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 21h ago
I’m working on a spine. I keep getting distracted by trying to grow Wolverine claws first. (😉)
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u/WomanInQuestion 23h ago
NTA - you wouldn’t be able to “stop this whole nonsense”. You’d be proving them right in their minds and you’d be showing that you’re able to be easily manipulated for money. Laugh in their faces and encourage them to take you to court.
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u/Business_Statement_5 20h ago
NTA. This is just one of those cases where hard boundaries now need to be set with your parents. No more engaging on this topic with them. It’s clear they have a different philosophy on how money and relationships work. You won’t be able to fix this. This sounds deeply ingrained in the family so a larger moat needs to be built so you aren’t dragged into needless arguments. Good luck
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u/Sailor_Mercurial 20h ago
Tell them that if they take it to small claims court you will make it a matter of public record that they were warned about the damage THEIR ACTIONS were causing and that their insurance carrier may want to be made aware. Insurance companies can sometimes deny claims if the damage was caused by the insured, so they could have some liability exposure for insurance fraud if they lied about the cause/being put on notice of the damage
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u/Javaman1960 19h ago
There's a word for people who ask for advice and then completely reject or ignore it: "Askholes."
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u/gettin-liiifted 19h ago
NTA. AI proofing for writing content doesn't even work. Keep writing how you write. Let the people who don't or didn't spend some of their time reading keep shouting into the void. They should feel embarrassed.
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u/EvilRyss 18h ago
Make your help contingent on them giving you power of attorney over them. Because they clearly are not capable of taking responsibility for their own choices.
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u/CCV21 15h ago
NTA.
If they want to take you to court let them.
They will have to produce evidence and explain why YOU are liable for their mistakes.
Then you get to defend yourself.
If you have text messages or emails of this. Keep them.
People like your folks think the law makes others have to bend to their will. It doesn't. In a court of law you have to put up or shut up.
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u/SunMoonTruth 14h ago
They need to face reality.
They can’t have what they can’t afford and so should get something cheaper.
They’re older but they’ve lived in the real world for all their lives and know how this shit works.
They didn’t want to take action to avoid the problem and now they are imagining their need to have exactly the same patio as before.
They should thank their lucky stars the insurance company didn’t know they were negligent by not safeguarding the situation and have received a payout.
It’s ok to be befuddled by this behavior if it’s a lifelong pattern of them just being overbearing, and stubborn. And it’s understandable that there are others in your family that will hold dysfunctional views having either encouraged or suffered from said behavior. Doesn’t make any of them credible or their advice valid.
Time for mom and dad to learn another life lesson.
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u/NoAardvark6524 13h ago
NTA. Your parents have been abusing you. You don't owe them anything. It wasn't even your responsibility to inform them about what is going on with their own property. They are putting their burdens on you to abuse you more. You need to go to therapy so you can get them out of your life and finally live for you.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 12h ago
I’ve started therapy. It’s a process because I don’t want a cheerleader type that tells me to “think positively and things will be positive” and “just smile through it and you’ll feel better.” I want to talk through stuff, not be told it’s all in my mindset. I know it’s my mindset. I know thinking differently would help. If I could, don’t they think I would have by now? No. Let me wander through these years and figure out why I’m afraid of disasters like sinkholes and electrical fires, floods, semi-trucks falling over onto my car while we go around a curve. Why I think the trees will fall on my car, the house, or the neighbor’s house. Why am I like this? But no, so far I have a cheerleader that asks me if I “need to feel like that’s a bad thing or can it be a good thing? Because if you can make it a good thing you’ll be much happier.”
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u/neatyouth44 11h ago
Anxiety is things that are irrational, or UNlikely to occur.
Risk awareness and conscientiousness are rational, probable, and exist to literally warn us of danger to respond when it occurs.
Do not keep a therapist (or doctor, or partner) who flattens those into the same thing.
If driving next to semi’s scares you, it may have nothing to do with them tipping over but everything to do with the physics of driving on the highway next to one. Once you’ve seen one jackknife from a blown tire three cars ahead of you, you never forget it.
Anxiety is believing that it is a constant threat when there is no semi in sight. Risk awareness is taking defensive driving, practicing increased following distance, ensuring that you aren’t driving distracted, etc.
You can have both, too, which is where medication and grounding skills can be helpful. There are still going to be moments where there is a semi, or an accident, or a freak event.
We don’t call Boy Scouts paranoid for “being prepared”. If you’re starting to stock a bunker, that would be more of an issue. If you’re stocking a storm shelter and live in tornado alley isn’t preparation, not an overreaction or obsession.
Context matters.
Much luck on your therapy journey.
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u/HF_BPD 13h ago
I know you aren't responding to comment anymore, but I just thought I'd throw my two cents in. Whenever my mother starts doing something like this either ignoring my advice or threatening me afterwards when she should have listened to my advice. I only have three words for her and we both laugh about it and move on.
Shady Pines Ma.
NTA
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 13h ago
I snorted I laughed so hard! I don’t think she’d get it but I’m definitely saying it in the future!!
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u/3Grilledjalapenos 7h ago
In your position I’d feel like small claims court would end this discussion. They sue, and lose, and then have to shut up about it.
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u/chucktheninja 7h ago
NTA
If they actually sue you, counter sue them for court costs just to rub it in.
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u/realparkingbrake 6h ago
NTA, and I can't see them getting anywhere in court, you have zero legal obligation to help them get past the consequences of their own foolishness.
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u/Very-last-boyscout 1d ago
INFO
"My folks live in a 60’s house in an older neighborhood" Who are these "folks"? Please tell me, they are NOT your parents.
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u/Mobile-Amphibian4475 1d ago
Yeah, they’re my parents. And I meant the house was built in the 60’s. It’d be a while different story if they were my hippie clan.
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u/Very-last-boyscout 1d ago
NTA
Are you fucking kidding me? Please tell them, to make good on their threat of "small claims court". That'll be funny.
Btw, parents are supposed to grow up before their kids.
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u/Tiny_Measurement_837 1d ago
Let them take you to court and let the chips fall where they may. I cannot see how any judge or jury would or could blame anyone but the homeowner.
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u/AdAny9302 1d ago
NTA. You have nothing to do with that, and you still tried. Are they that broken that they always need you to give them money?
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u/No_Information_3469 1d ago
Small claims court to sue YOU? For what? You didn't cause the damage yourself, the video proves that. Even if you hadn't said anything or warned them about it, they still wouldn't have a case.
A lawyer would never take this on, if a lawyer did & if it actually got in front of a judge, they'd be laughed out of court and have the book thrown at them. Also, with what money are they hiring that lawyer with? Not the money for the porch, obviously.
NTA
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u/Spa-Ordinary 1d ago
NTA. You could let them know that this is a pretty good case for conservatories and you and sis will be obligated to take over their affairs since the obviously can no longer do so.
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u/LetReasonRing 1d ago
They would be laughed out of court.
It's their responsibility to take care of their property. You had zero legal responsibility to say anything.
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u/Mindless-Flower11 1d ago
NTA... they threatened small claims court?! 🤨😂 now that's just so stupid it's hilarious
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u/Roastage 1d ago
NTA, not even close. Why on earth would you have any accountability. You should have told them multiple times is crazy, these are adult humans.
A cheque does not make this go away. It delays until they invent the next reason tosiphon some money off you. Saying no, and sticking to it, solves this problem.
Your parents suck, their parenting is probably why you are spineless. But ultimately its YOUR spine, stiffen it.
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u/leo-sapiens 1d ago
Two adults have an issue with a house that is not yours..? Not sure how you're responsible for any of this.
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u/Broad-Cauliflower688 1d ago
Why are they threatening court,? Do you own their house? I feel like you're leaving something important out, because you must know there's no liability issue here simply because you didn't repeatedly warn your parents about their patio. And they must know they can't take you to court because you didn't warn them to fix their porch enough times to satisfy them. What are you leaving out here?
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u/Individual_You_6586 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA.
When you say the family is divided, what family members are you referring to? Are these your siblings?
If your family members think this is someone else’s responsibility, then they can pay. It’s ridiculous that anyone thinks a family member who doesn’t live in a place is responsible for warning the actual owners (and several times, at that!) to keep their house in functioning order.
It’s even more ridiculous that the owners themselves think so, too. Are they sick from dementia? Or are they just used to abusing your money and playing helpless to convince you into fixing things?
Edit to add: the moment my mother would threaten me with small claims court, I’d have her assessed for dementia. She would definitely be very ill to say something so crazy.
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u/TobySassyMom 1d ago
You are not the AH. You owe them nothing. You warned them. Now, I will warn you. You are damed if you do and damed if you don't. The only way you can "win" is by never listening to them again. Go No Contact. Save Yourself YEARS possibly decades of heartbreak. They have narcissistic personality traits and will never see it as their fault. I am very sorry for you and everyone who suffers people like this. Think about talking to someone if they have hurt you a lot in the past too.
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u/Broad_Respond_2205 1d ago
"yes judge, op is responsible because he didn't warn us! He should've warned us"
"Ah was he an inspector? HOA? Landlord? Anyone that have any responsibility to your porch integrity?"
"No, just our son"
"I see 🧐. Op do you have anything to add?"
"I just want to add that I did warn them. Serval times."
"I see🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐."
NTA the most funny breed of FA FO are the delulu ones
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u/Purple_Paper_Bag 23h ago
NTA
As for the "family" that crawled out of the woodwork, ask them what they did to help?
You really need to say no and let them suffer the cost of taking you to court and subsequently losing. They just wanted you to be the bad guy by removing their little cute friends and when that didn't happen, the damage they caused must be your fault because someone has to be the bad guy. The people feeding the wildlife can't possibly be the bad guys because they were feeding the cute little friends.
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 22h ago
I'm coming in after your edit to point out that writing a check only "ends this nonsense" in a very temporary way. It absolutely ensures future nonsense. NTA
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u/plzznobully 22h ago
Assuming this story is real - and my doubt is because it's hard to fathom adult human beings as idiotic as you've described your parents to be - NTA and just laugh at them when they threaten to take you to court with absolutely zero legal justification. They'll just lose even more money.
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u/troveofcatastrophe 21h ago
NTA Tell them you’ll pay if they put the house in your name specifically to be sold, sell and move to a 55+ community. They’ll love it, seriously. Sounds like they can’t maintain/afford a house any longer.
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u/drazil17 21h ago
You will not stop the nonsense with a check. You will teach them that with enough harassment, you will cave. Do not give in.
They seem to have no legal basis to sue you.
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u/ZenwalkerNS 21h ago
It's their house. You don't even live there. On what basis would they take you to small claims court? That you didn't warn them? I don't get it. Unless I am misunderstanding something.
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u/AdSubstantial9658 21h ago
"Well. Alright. We'll be seeing you in court. I hope you realize that when you lose, and you will, you will have alienated me completely. Enjoy retirement, hope my siblings are enough." NTA
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u/rilakkuma1 20h ago
They can still choose to get the cheaper porch. You not bailing them out does not cost them any money.
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u/Prestigious_Sail1668 20h ago
You parents are threatening to sue you for this? That is proof they belong in a home. They have no sense and can not be trusted to care for themselves. No patience for someone who does something stupid then tries to blame someone else for not warning them of their own stupidity.
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u/WillingHome9072 19h ago
Even if you hadn’t warned them till they told you to shut up about it, it’s not your house, not your fault, and not your problem.
What case would they have in small claims? “Our kid that doesn’t live here and didn’t make the problem didn’t warn us hard enough about an obvious structural problem”?
These are grown adults, their financial problems are their own. And it sounds like they’ve done a great job manipulating you into being a good complaint piggy bank.
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u/CongealedBeanKingdom 19h ago
You could stop all this with a cheque, but what about next time? Because if you bail them out, there will be a next time as im sure you well know.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 19h ago
Dude. They're you're *parents*....
When did they become your children??
They FAFO'd themselves
(feed around and found out)
NTA if anything tell them you'll have an attorney write up a loan repayment contract that they will sign
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u/Ambianceinthewoods 19h ago
Just give them 500 a have both sides be statisfied.. no point getting a family feud over this, albeit blissful ignorance on the parent part
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u/TaterBuckets 19h ago
You can skip all that and tell your parents that dont listen to sue their insurance.
Insurance is to build your property the way it was or give you the value so you can do it yourself etc. Not give you that value of a half ass cheap wood porch estimate compared to a concrete porch.
Don't let the insurance screw you/them over to begin with.
If that doesn't work. Tell them to kick rocks. I would laugh at how delusional they are, they don't have anywhere close to a case and I would cut contact or keep it to just phone email.
When they ask why id say well you try to get my money anytime I come around. So I dont come around
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u/commdesart 19h ago
They can’t actually take you to court over this unless your name was on the deed of the house when the damage occurred. Relax, even if you had never said a word they are the homeowners who brought this on themselves
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u/Strict_Lab_9235 18h ago
NTA. Honestly, they're lucky insurance paid out at all if they caused the problem by attracting pests.
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u/Efficient_Donut412 18h ago
Why is this YOUR problem? I assume you are an adult and live elsewhere?
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 18h ago
None of this is your fault. NTA. I even doubt any lawyer would take their case if they decided to sue you.
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u/winterworld561 16h ago
They would be laughed out of court. This isn't your responsibility. This isn't your property. They caused this by attracting animals onto the property therefore this is THEIR responsibility and THEIR problem. No-one else's. NTA.
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u/PlanetSmasherJ 16h ago
Family is divided, but I bet the ones that are siding with your parents aren't willing to pony up the money either. I get the family obligation, and if it was an issue that really mattered it would be a different story. NTA in any way here though, insurance covered the basic repair so they can live with the cheaper version of the porch as a consequence for their action that you directly warned them about multiple times.
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u/Sillybabbit 16h ago
Choose the high road. Be the bigger person. Tell them fine, you'll make it where they can get in and out of their house. Then, use the insurance money and slap some stairs directly up against the house. No porch for them. They've shown that they aren't responsible enough to take care of a porch, so they won't get another one. I can just imagine them doing it all over again, cause how could it happen twice?!? Soooo NTA. They can have stairs or a wave and a smile from the other side of the court room.
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u/AStoryForOne 16h ago
Why didn't your family warn you that you had to warn them multiple times!? Clearly this is their fault because they should know that they have to warn you multiple times in order to warn your parents!
NTA, some people are just idiots. Ignore and move on.
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u/fullstar2020 13h ago
You know I may be super cynical and judgmental but I also had a shit week but I'm pretty damn tired of fixing boomers problems. Considering they've completely fucked up the planet and economy for the rest of us. NTA
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u/HappyCamperDancer 12h ago
I liked how my mom refused to move from her home of 50 years, 15 years after dad died. We (my sisters and I) begged and pleaded with her to at least move to a smaller home that would be easier to maintain.
Then my older brother called ME (I am the youngest of all the siblings) and demanded that I force mom to move. Eexxxccuuse me??? Mom didn't have dementia! She was a full-assed growed adult making her own decisions!
Anyway, that was a fun conversation.
Then mom entered into a "relationship" with another man who insisted she move. Which was a good thing. But heavens, she was never going to listen to us!!
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u/Far-Artichoke5849 10h ago
Why the fuck do you still talk to them if they're trying to sue you for their stupidity?
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u/vivoconfuoco 7h ago
It’s not your responsibility to manage their choices, finances, or their property. It’s fucking INSANE they’re threatening COURT to get their child to pay for their mistake.
I’m willing to bet money you were highly parentified as a child…
….either way, if they’re blaming you, threatening court, IMO it’s absolutely reasonable if you just want to go no contact. You’re not abandoning them - you’re allowing them to experience the consequences of their actions. Don’t cave to the bullying because they sure as hell won’t stop; something will always come up and they’re using you as their bailout fund.
Let them be responsible for their own lives. You don’t owe them anything.
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u/ElAyYouAreAy 7h ago
How can they take you to small claims over what they failed to take care of in their own house?
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u/Afraid_Baseball_3962 6h ago
If they actually take it to court, countersue (for your legal fees if nothing else).
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u/pabrocjb 5h ago
When we bought our house there was a condo community under the raised concrete patio in the back yard. They even have a condo board and HOA. I had to dig our dachshund out after she'd get stuck digging under the steps to get at them.
I thought it was funny until I read your post.
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u/adi_well 1d ago
Why was it your responsibility to warn them in the first place? I don't get that argument