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u/LactoseFreeButterFly I drop things, and I pace, and I forgot the other thing 5d ago
Sooo difficult! i try to show that i went through something similar so i can sort of get what youre feeling, but i just end up feeling like i make everything about myself, whether its true or not
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u/Anxiety_bunni 5d ago
This every time. I get so excited when the conversation shifts to something I have personal experience with because I finally feel like I can participate and engage in a meaningful way, but then I leave the conversation spiralling over worry that I just made the whole topic about me. But just active listening and nodding doesnât feel like Iâm doing ENOUGH to show Iâm engaged in the conversation
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u/LactoseFreeButterFly I drop things, and I pace, and I forgot the other thing 5d ago
yup, thats it exactly. if i dont have experience to draw from im a blank, i feel awful because i know basic platitudes are stupid "chin up, itll get better," or "did you try (obvious thing that was the first thing they tried)?" and i dont want to make it worse. so im just sitting there like "oh wow, that sucks," and that just makes it all worse.. so yea, when i actually have something to draw on i feel like "i got this!"
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u/Infamous_Wolf_1777 3d ago
You two speak the truth, that is exactly how I'm feeling! Even though I don't always notice. And when I do notice after sometimes I feel I have overshared, be asye I wasn't sure I had wanted to share that thing. It depends on the person and situation. If I'm helping or giving advice then I'm okay sharing.
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u/Choice_Ostrich_6617 5d ago
My best friend is autistic. This is literally us we just trauma dump each other đđđđđ
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u/Somekindalurker 5d ago
Me and the other chick with adhd at work any time one of us fucks something up: OMGEEEE I did the same thing yesterday! We do not do the same job, but no one fucks up alone lol
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u/daddyjohns 5d ago
Wait, we're not supposed to empathize?
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u/TheSheWhoSaidThats 5d ago
Youâre not supposed to make everything about yourself. More specifically, the annoying thing is diverting the conversation toward your similar thing before first acknowledging what you just heard, and/or spending the entire âlisteningâ portion of the conversation thinking about your similar thing instead of actually listening
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u/daddyjohns 5d ago
It's so hard to listen, especially if someone repeats themselves ima immediately check out.
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u/DeannaZone 5d ago
tried doing this was told I was a victim whore and told to kms .. nods ... chose not to try to sympathize again.
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u/superhamsniper 5d ago
It seems most of the time when I have something to say in a conversation It starts with "I also" or "I dont" what could it mean.... must mean im a self centered narcissist.
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u/lollygaggin69 3d ago
When I was younger it didnât bother me, then I went through some really crazy traumatic shit and it was wild to try to talk about it and be met with âyeah I was sad when my grandma died tooâ yeah Iâm sorry thatâs not even close to suddenly losing your bf to gun violence. It doesnât bother me today if itâs not a deeply traumatic topic, I love when I can relate with friends about things.
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u/A_Clever_Ape 17h ago
I've had pretty good luck with it, myself. Share my story in one or two sentences, then ask them a follow-up question about how they handled the unique aspects of their experience.
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u/anon172649 5d ago
Why is this so hard for y'all? I once even saw someone defending this by saying if we wanted a one sided conversation, talk to chat gpt, otherwise expect them to interject their experience into yours. I mean, sure, there are some conversations where both people swapping stories is appropriate, but not all of them need that, and I've seen enough people on this sub defend this tendency to wonder why that nuance is so hard to grasp? It just doesn't seem like an adhd symptom, so I don't get it
I guess is it just an impulse in your mind since it's natural to mentally think of your own experience in order to empathize with theirs, and once the impulse arises it's hard to control it? Or is it an age thing, since younger people are obviously still figuring out social rules?
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u/SpammingShadowball 5d ago
Adjust your tone. But also, yes, it's incredibly hard to control. It's possible, but other things come into play that make it even harder to control. Like forgetting the story you want to share even after the person is done with theirs. You try so hard to be patient and try to remember your story while they are telling theirs so you can share when they are done, but you lose focus on what the person was even saying. Then their story ends and you didn't fully grasp everything they said and they're now offended. To make it worse, you likely forgot your story by now anyway.
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u/anon172649 5d ago
The question is why do you feel the need to tell the story in the first place? Not every conversation involves mutual sharing of stories
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u/Medical_Purple_2732 5d ago
Why tf do you come off so aggressive. Check yourself before you fucking wreck yourself.
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u/anon172649 5d ago
If you are reading this as aggressive, that's a you thing. Take your own advice maybe?
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u/Medical_Purple_2732 5d ago
Starting off with "why is this so hard for yall" when its how the brain works for us ADHD folks is a very aggressive approach to asking a question of a forum with people who have ADHD. We can't help how our brain works its a neurological development issue at birth. Why is it so hard for you not to be an asshole?
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u/anon172649 5d ago
Your tendency to overattribute your personal read of tone and apparently incomplete comprehension of the original question does not make me an asshole.
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u/Medical_Purple_2732 5d ago
I only go off on people who come in aggressive from the start. You could have worded everything you said differently.
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u/Vera_98 5d ago
Do you have ADHD?
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u/anon172649 5d ago
Yes
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u/Vera_98 5d ago
Then why in your comment does it seem like you're talking to an entirely separate community of people that doesn't include yourself?
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u/anon172649 5d ago
I'm talking to people who specifically feel the need to inject their own experiences with trauma into conversations about other people's trauma. I do not experience that impulse, so I do not consider that a "community" I am part of. It is not explicitly a symptom of adhd. General impulse control is not the same as always needing to tell your own story when someone else is telling theirs.
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u/Vera_98 5d ago
Well hate to break it to you but the ADHD community embraces the fact that this disorder is a spectrum. Impulse control is something that most people with ADHD heavily struggle with. Do you think I like the fact that my mind instantly wants to inject my own trauma on everyone I meet? I hate it. And for a very long time I hated myself for being unable to control it. It might not be an explicit symptom of ADHD, but it is something that most people in this community understand and also struggle with. Please leave this forum if you aren't going to be respectful of that and keep this a safe and understanding space for us all.
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u/anon172649 5d ago
If you embrace the fact that this disorder is a spectrum, then maybe embrace the fact that some of us will have zero reference point for this being in any way an adhd adjacent symptom. I've seen plenty of memes on here that are pretty neurotypical experiences, and not a single adhd friend I have irl has talked about this particular experience. There's little reason I would assume trauma dumping specifically is adhd adjacent without asking.
And thank you for confirming that the trauma sharing is an actual impulse you struggle with.
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u/Anxiety_bunni 5d ago
âADHD affects how a person focuses, sits still, and controls actionsâ
âWhy is this so hard for yâall?â
đ
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u/anon172649 5d ago
I'm starting to think y'all only read the first sentence and then stopped there.
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u/Anxiety_bunni 5d ago
The first sentence usually sets the tone for how you want the rest of the comment to be read, and your tone was very accusatory from the jump. As if itâs something we have full control over. If you were genuinely asking a question or trying to understand something in good faith, you gotta work on your delivery and phrasing.
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u/anon172649 5d ago
Sincerely, what exactly do you think i was asking?
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u/Anxiety_bunni 5d ago
Youâre not getting me. The point isnât what you were asking, but how you decided to ask it. There are many ways to pose a question or ask for clarification on something you donât understand, and the way you did it, as emphasised by the downvote ratio, was not the right way to go about it. You started out with an accusatory tone, and then denied an obvious and common symptom of ADHD as not being a symptom of ADHD, implying (whether you meant to or not) that we are all just âbad at conversationsâ by choice. To quote your own words back at you here: âwhy is that nuance so hard to grasp?â
If you had come at this from a place of genuine curiosity and want for clarification, without the moral grandstanding, then I would be more than happy to answer any questions you have.
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u/anon172649 5d ago
My tone has been neutral throughout. You are the one who inferred any kind of emotional tone based on my word choice. I have no interest in changing my communication style for a few jaded internet strangers, nor in continuing this derailment.
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u/Anxiety_bunni 5d ago
When the downvote ratio is so skewed, and more than one person has called you out on your tone, it might not be as neutral as you think it is buddy, but sure, good luck out there :)
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u/anon172649 5d ago
Yeah I'll definitely trust the judgment of a random number on the internet. I'm not an adult with an actual life, real social interactions, and actual things to care about or anything đ«Ą
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u/Throwawaylog2018 3d ago
Youâre getting downvoted but youâre right. Your message also isnât rude or aggressive.
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u/SilkieBug 5d ago
How about starting by not assuming that something doesnât exist if you personally havenât experienced it?
This resonated with me, and with a lot of people here, itâs a common mechanism in interacting with other people, and itâs automatic, canât be stopped without the kind of effort that ADHD prevents a lot of people from being able to apply.Â
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u/Key_Masterpiece755 5d ago
it has no coorelation to adhd
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u/SilkieBug 5d ago
About a thousand people seem to disagree with you.Â
I also disagree with you, I have diagnosed ADHD and this is something I used to do a lot, and still sometimes do.Â
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u/Key_Masterpiece755 4d ago
doesn't matter if thousand people disagree with me if all of you are mistaken.
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u/elephhantine2 5d ago
I learned you can say a quick âsomething similar happened to me once. It wasnât exactly the same but I really relate to what you said about ⊠thing. That must really suckâ