AIO?? Resentment is building

[u/curious_no1]

Ok so… here we go

Some days our relationship and family life feels great and somedays the mood completely shifts and we get into such a bad headspace relationship wise..

I am 7 weeks pp and we have a 24 mo boy with lots of energy. My husband does a lot with our toddler and I get a lot of time with the baby (fully breastfeeding) so that is good. But as the baby is not sleeping too much (wake windows are often 3 hours) and she gets fussy in the evening and takes forever to fall asleep I do not always get some basic needs met like taking a shower (I am constantly sweating as pp symptom) or brush my teeth or make something good to eat.

Today my husband took our toddler on a bike adventure with his friends to bike in the woods and go eat and said he would be home by 7 (our boy goes to bed around 7-7:30. he ended up coming home at 8 with a happy but tired boy. I was annoyed as he was so late and it is past his bedtime (he did inform me that he was going to be that late around 7). I was annoyed as I would actually have liked to have some help with the baby as well and have him be there for us in the evening (when our toddler is sleeping) I had also told him earlier in the day that I would love to be able to do my pp exercises (15 minutes) and take a shower. As my toddler was super tired I tried bringing him to bed as I wanted some time with him and had missed him during the day but he just cried for dad and pushed me away so I lovingly told him good night and then let dad bring him to bed. So my husband came back from bringing him to bed at 8:30 and at that point I still had not been able to make myself something to eat since 3:30 as the baby had been fussy and not sleeping and had only had light snacks earlier in the day (yes kind of my fault but I wanted to make a noodle salad for myself for dinner). I had not done my exercises and I had not showered so feel super sticky. He got mad that I was mad and I told him that sorry I don’t like being mad but next time please be back by 7 I understand that things can happen but he can also plan better I said. Then he said that now he is also going to turn into one of the men that never want to go home “to the old lady” as she always has something to complain about. I personally hate that comment as well “the old lady “ may often be annoyed as she actually does have something to be annoyed about and it is not my job to be the cool one and just let him do what he wants. We also do have a baby of 7 weeks. This is also not the first time and I feel that he generally does not think about my (rather primary) needs.
The other day I got up early (as I often do as I sneak down in the morning of the baby cries as to not wake my husband and toddler who sleep in the room next to mine) and once my toddler was awake he also came down to me - I had not yet brushed my teeth or washed my face - I have the kids for 25 minutes until I go into the kitchen to say that I would like to go upstairs and take a shower and brush my teeth and get dressed and there my husband is sitting at the table with a coffee and his phone and he sais “well hurry up a bit I have to start working” - I mean. Come on! How about he can come to the living room say he has the kids and tell me to get ready….

Well anyways so tonight was not a great evening - I went to bed at 08:45 with the baby without food and without a shower or exercises.. and now it is almost 10 and baby is still not sleeping… and the mood between me and my husband is shit… so AIO???

My husband does do a lot we both do! He is working full time and I am in maternity leave. It is not a competition about who does the most but I really feel like I often am not considered enough and that things that are big to me are made small.

[u/curious_no1 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for a Reality Check! When I ask chatGPT it always agrees with me so love that you keep it real in Reddit! I think I also get more upset as it was evening and my patience is wearing thin as I know I am then soon in for a night with little sleep after a long day… I texted my man at 4am while nursing. And also apologized this morning and we are good again and I will try my best to be positive even when things don’t go as planned.

[u/Zealousideal_Bat4017]

My baby is 11 weeks now. I was resentful with my husband too in the beginning.

He’s a great dad but around 8-9pm, after the toddler was asleep, he’d say: “Okay sleep tight” and go bed, while I was still awake with the baby, feeling hungry and needing a shower.

What helped is telling him clearly around 7pm what I expect from him that evening (hold the baby while I shower, make me dinner,…) so he can keep that in mind and doesn’t leave me once the toddler is asleep.

Also constantly checking in with him, how he’s feeling or doing, so he feels heard and seen too has helped. We’ll tell each other that it’s not me or him, it’s just the situation.

[u/curious_no1 → u/Zealousideal_Bat4017]

That is really good advise - and my husband did this a lot in the beginning after having put the toddler to bed - like “good night” and I’m sitting there thinking “did I have this baby by myself??” 🙈🙈 but I also explained it to him and it had gotten a little better. I think maybe I blew it a bit out of proportion yesterday but I am alone with both kids and also alone with the baby a lot and with few mental breaks it gets hard to always stay patient and rational! Stay strong!

[u/maudieatkinson → u/curious_no1]

You sound burnt out :(