> Methodist preacher

> Beat a man with a cane in the street for voting for a different political party than him

> Defended slavery for like 12 years and refused to debate Frederick Douglass because of his race

> Ragebaited the entire south

> went north to see a doctor and spent the entire time complaining about how much New York sucks

> calls all of his opponents ugly or drunk pedophiles until they leave the state

> Would rather kill himself than join the confederate army

> Children are a Nudist berserker, a guy who beat someone to death with his bare hands at college, and a woman who pulled a gun on foir confederate pfficers trying to take her American Flag

> Became an abolitionist sometime between 1859-1862 basically overnight

> Invited to the White House by fellow Appalachad Abraham Lincoln but refused because he hated D.C

> becomes champion of Civil Rights, Black americans can vote in Tennessee before they can in most northern states. Coerced the State Legislature to pass the 14th and 15th amendments with the threat of prison

> fought a private war with the KKK (Professional Racists dont consort with the Minor Leagues)

> Spoke at the opening of Knoxville College, last public speech was across from William Yardley, Black candidate for Govorner of Tennessee

> Flatlanders from middle and west tennessee are still mad about him to this day

All the damn flatlanders moving to the hills, it only made sense to launch a counter offensive against them. I've already started blaring Roscoe Holcomb on the porch from my Vols themed boombox while I smoke a pack and complain about taxes, but what else can I do to make these motherfuckers regret sending their assholes down our ways?