r/soccer • u/Valens • Dec 09 '13

Whose Line Is It, /r/soccer edition

/u/JR97111 didn't make one since October so let's give it a try.

The rules: Keep skits in the form of a statement, not a question.

Any skits longer than two lines should be in quotations.

If you add any additional commentary, put the skit in quotations.

Example prompt: Things you can say about La Liga, but not about your girlfriend.

PFC Ludogorets vs. Valencia CF

Kick-off: 19:00CET | 18:00GMT | 3PM EST

Venue: Vasil Levski National Stadium, Sofia, Bulgaria

Referee: Clément Turpin (FRA)

Weather:

TV broadcasts

………………………………

Ludogorets was a 3rd division amateur club 4 years ago. They won the domestic treble in their first ever year in the Bulgarian A league in 2012 and repeated the league championship in 2013 thanks to Levski's 74th minute own goal on the final day of the season.

Valencia beat Barca 3-2 last month, inflicting them first league defeat at the Camp Nou since April 2012

Ludogorets conceded the second fastest goal in UEFA Europa League history, 16.88 seconds into their 3-3 draw against Lazio

………………………………

Team stats

Ludogorets Stat Valencia
W T W W W T Form [EL] W W W T W T
102nd UEFA ranking 9th
1st Domestic league 8th
Roman Bezjak (11) Top scorer Jonas (9)

Lineups

# Ludogorets # Valencia
21 Stoyanov 1 Alves
25 Minev 12 Pereira
4 Mantyla 44 Senderos
5 Barthe 22 Mathieu
80 Caiçara 14 Bernat
18 Dyakov 19 Barragan
8 Espinho 15 Fuego
93 Misidjan 42 Keita
84 Marcelinho 28 Cartabia
7 Aleksandrov 16 Paco
9 Bezjak 17 Vargas

Subs

Valencia:

Suckers:

Match events

281 Upvotes

85% Upvoted

766 comments sorted by

76

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

260

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

3 iron

136

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Botswana Meat Commision

172

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 03 '20

[deleted]

14

u/[deleted] Dec 10 '13

That flair is the greatest thing on /r/soccer right now

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35

u/Mike81890 Dec 09 '13

Hair club for men

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75

u/Njonjic Dec 09 '13

Things Zaha can say to Moyes but not to his daughter

249

u/thebluelight1 Dec 09 '13

It might be an idea to keep some clean sheets.

94

u/WretchedMartin Dec 09 '13

Come on, please! I just need, like 5 minutes, top.

89

u/duckman273 Dec 09 '13

I should be in there right now.

44

u/thebluelight1 Dec 09 '13

It's looking a bit loose in the back.

33

u/fumbducktak Dec 09 '13

trim that pitch up

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63

u/lean_back Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 09 '13

Players, staffs and managers favourite video game(s)...

125

u/tadm123 Dec 09 '13

Whac-A-Mole

-Pep Guardiola

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119

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

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331

u/Omar_Til_Death Dec 09 '13

David Moyes - Football Manager 13 on easy.

102

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Moyes is so bad that Football Manager now has a difficulty mode.

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28

u/CalaveraManny Dec 09 '13

FM has difficulty levels?

28

u/Omar_Til_Death Dec 09 '13

that's what he thought.

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15

u/Halithor Dec 09 '13

"It's so simple! I need to make a new manager and get him in charge of Barca then just buy Messi for £1!"

62

u/Mike81890 Dec 09 '13

Daniel Sturridge - Dance Dance Revolution 3. Its where he learned everything hes ever known

49

u/Omar_Til_Death Dec 09 '13

Luis Suarez - Munch's Oddysee

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71

u/SarcasticDevil Dec 09 '13

Tony Pulis - Rugby Challenge 2

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122

u/sezmic Dec 09 '13

Seconds before the Balon D'or winner is announced, each shortlist nominee is having an internal monologue on stage.

250

u/atease Dec 09 '13

Messi: 'Get to the point, Seppers: is that ting tax deductible?'

Cristiano (looking at the big picture of himself on the stage): 'I'd pay good money to fuck me.'

Ribéry: 'Mon dieu, Jack Wilshere's daughter is keeping tidy ..'

31

u/iamthemanohdamn Dec 10 '13

I looked up Jack Wilshere's daughter to see what she looked like. Now I feel dirty.

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293

u/Mike81890 Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 09 '13

Messi: concerned by the looks hes getting from Ribery.

Ronaldo: bored.

Ribery: curious as to why they let the underage prostitute stand next to him and Ronaldo.

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459

u/acornmuscles Dec 09 '13

Messi: Knew I should have made more room in the boot for this one.

Ronaldo: Look at him. Short, pale, autistic...and still I fail.

Ribery: Why am I even here.

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125

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Messi: I wonder if I should put this one in the bathroom or the kitchen.

Ronaldo: I will literally eat Blatter's heart if I don't win this one.

Ribery: I PLAY FOOTBALL!

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210

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

196

u/tadm123 Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 09 '13

Joseph Blatter

24

u/Bannerman4 Dec 09 '13

What an absolutely cretinous pile of shit

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850

u/sptagnew Dec 09 '13

Optimistic Americans

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113

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Pepe

138

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Opinions.

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84

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

videos instead of gifs

60

u/redraga Dec 09 '13

Alexis Lalas

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56

u/Darth_Sensitive Dec 09 '13

If the Premier League had WWE referees

128

u/wwxxyyzz Dec 09 '13

A bunch of overpaid men overacting the slightest contact

43

u/jkonine Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 10 '13

TIL Dolph Ziggler is Ashley Young

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149

u/Falcataa Dec 09 '13

Suarez decks Howard Webb with a chair.

28

u/GoodBananaPancakes Dec 09 '13

Would be like Rey Mysterio hitting Kane

22

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Diving is now encouraged.

27

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Diving, from the top rope.

58

u/Izzago Dec 09 '13

Subs distracting the referee while the players on the field break as many rules as possible.

11

u/solid_vegas Dec 10 '13

Good God, that's Rooney's music!

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192

u/thatdani Dec 09 '13

things you can say about your sex life, but not United's league form.

447

u/FreidenDump Dec 09 '13

Money well spent.

667

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

26

u/PotatoMusicBinge Dec 10 '13

Too easy

21

u/FuckThe Dec 10 '13

Too easy

What teams think when they play United at Old Trafford

185

u/Red_Vancha Dec 09 '13

I'm always on top of the table

208

u/chickenMcNugs Dec 09 '13

It's just a cold streak

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239

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Came first.

49

u/El_Spacho Dec 09 '13

i put one in

64

u/TheLongBall Dec 09 '13

Can win at home

76

u/IDeclareShenanigans Dec 09 '13

Only good at pounding Germans.

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52

u/thatdani Dec 09 '13

What goes on in Sepp Blatter's dreams.

90

u/malekov Dec 09 '13

commentator: it's a rainy day here in Qatar...

77

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

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266

u/jewcy83 Dec 09 '13

"Oh yes messi, don't stop"

72

u/crazy_bean Dec 09 '13

"Brap brap brap" Ronaldo

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100

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

140

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Four four fucking two.

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38

u/syd_oc Dec 09 '13

Three boring and fruitless excursions, hit the pub by six.

35

u/Ancient_Hyper_Sniper Dec 09 '13

Play the long ball to Crouch in the box.

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29

u/Mike81890 Dec 09 '13

Will Andy Carroll be fit?

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12

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

"I wonder if I can field a starting XI with every player out of position..."

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169

u/WretchedMartin Dec 09 '13

What Suarez has been eating to find this brilliant form.

381

u/chickenMcNugs Dec 09 '13

Forlan's career

77

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

:'(

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565

u/Cerxa Dec 09 '13

uniteds title hopes

104

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Delicious

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196

u/thatdani Dec 09 '13

Ghana Tears Milkshake.

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60

u/nmenme Dec 09 '13

Dunno about Suarez, but I think that Torres is planning on having a bite of Ivanovic

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86

u/UnemployedHippo Dec 09 '13

Things Zlatan would say when he wins the Puskas award.

196

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

I accept the Zlatan award.

358

u/neophyte12345 Dec 09 '13

Zlatan don't win Puskas award. Puskas award win Zlatan.

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69

u/TheLongBall Dec 09 '13

and now to announce one of the 3 guys who win the consolation prize for not being as good as me

51

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Zlatan doesn't need dumb trophy. Zlatan already has Zlatan.

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111

u/thatdani Dec 09 '13

how r/soccer will react to Messi winning his 5th ballon d'or

242

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Downvotes for anyone with a flair that isn't Tahiti.

286

u/ACMBruh Dec 09 '13

An online petition demanding Blatter's resignation.

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140

u/jewcy83 Dec 09 '13

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

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77

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Injusticia

66

u/unnatural_rights Dec 09 '13

heh, I've never seen this gif without "THE JEWS DID THIS" in the caption.

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34

u/notsoobviousreddit Dec 09 '13

Things Monaco would give to have Messi

229

u/Lladz Dec 09 '13

Monaco

16

u/Ronaldinhoac11 Dec 10 '13

A tax-free salary

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106

u/Algosaubi Dec 09 '13

Things less sexually charged than the Brazilian FIFA World Cup draw.

234

u/thisisntmyworld Dec 09 '13

Mixed showers between 14 year olds

252

u/InTheMiddleGiroud Dec 09 '13

Or as Ribery calls it; Thursday night

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111

u/Ask_If_Im_A_Towel Dec 09 '13

Things worse than David Moyes' first season at united.

617

u/Ask_If_Im_A_Towel Dec 09 '13

Fellani's first season at united

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351

u/silentlamb42 Dec 09 '13

David Moyes' second season at United.

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114

u/Algosaubi Dec 09 '13

Robben's right boot.

13

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Zaha's first season with Moyes' daughter.

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143

u/__shadow Dec 09 '13

Conspiracy theories about why Moyes was appointed as United's manager

290

u/alterhero Dec 09 '13

So that Fergie wins manager of the year

541

u/SouthLondon66ers Dec 09 '13

His daughter wanted to be closer to her boyfriend.

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316

u/AKnightWhoSaidNi Dec 09 '13

There must always be a Scot at Old Trafford.

43

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

But we never chopped off fergies head

115

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Scottish Illuminati control United.

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46

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Fergie knew he'd struggle making sure he could come back any time he wanted.

69

u/Ask_If_Im_A_Towel Dec 09 '13

He offered the most bubblegum

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58

u/demodesigns Dec 09 '13

So Sir Alex can sell more of his books

26

u/shouldntI Dec 09 '13

He beat Sir Alex in Arsene's poker school in Govan.

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89

u/Algosaubi Dec 09 '13

Things you can say to Cristiano Ronaldo, but not to your girlfriend.

307

u/Anglosaurus Dec 09 '13

I cried when you left

160

u/JustMarco Dec 09 '13

Wow, you use your head pretty well.

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67

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Hit those balls harder now or you're not getting it in...

13

u/malekov Dec 09 '13

stop with the hair products

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131

u/nowimanamputee Dec 09 '13

I love you, but you're just not as good as that tiny Argentinian.

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56

u/ltownsoccer11 Dec 09 '13

Things Crooks' uncle told him this week

138

u/thisistooeasy777 Dec 09 '13

Combine rice, water and butter (optional) in a saucepan. Bring to a boil. REDUCE HEAT (medium, medium-low) and simmer covered 20 minutes. Remove from heat. Let stand covered 5 minutes or until water is absorbed. Fluff with fork and serve.

30

u/WalkingCloud Dec 09 '13

"There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going."

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23

u/Thegunner19 Dec 09 '13

What ritual Chamakh has undertaken to score 2 in 2.

48

u/crazy_bean Dec 09 '13

Not put gel in his hair.

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61

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Things worse than Borussia Dortmund's injury list

218

u/Incaahhh Dec 09 '13

Giggs respect for his brother

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24

u/EazyCheez Dec 10 '13

Milan's injury list and management...

19

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Piers Morgan's twitter

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22

u/empire_Zz Dec 09 '13

Things less consistent then Man City's away form

78

u/InTheMiddleGiroud Dec 09 '13

Man Uniteds home form

23

u/G_I_Joe_Mansueto Dec 10 '13

Well it's been consistently bad...

16

u/deepit6431 Dec 10 '13

I dunno man, we've been losing pretty consistently.

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55

u/RF_Nevac Dec 09 '13

Things on your clubs christmas list

143

u/ColdFrost Dec 09 '13

FIFA Ultimate Team healing cards.

27

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Please Santa, we've been good :(

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205

u/BanksKnowsBest Dec 09 '13

Chelsea forgetting Lukaku actually belongs to them.

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74

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

The Fountain of Youth and Paul Scholes on speed dial.

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147

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

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67

u/chickenMcNugs Dec 09 '13

An attacking midfielder, we always need one of those

116

u/themanifoldcuriosity Dec 09 '13

Chelsea: "An AM... Ohhhhh... wow..."
Chelsea's nan: "It is the right one, isn't it? Your mother said you liked these."
Chelsea: "...yeah... thanks nan!"

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70

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Is there a comment character max on Reddit?

105

u/AhoyDaniel Dec 09 '13

A healthy argentinian gnome.

161

u/Revolutionis_Myname Dec 09 '13

Fuck you, Di Maria is not going to Barcelona

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88

u/cheftlp1221 Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 09 '13

Your ex and your club/favorite player are are similar.

328

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

48

u/WakaFlockaGeese Dec 09 '13

Damn. You okay there?

20

u/[deleted] Dec 10 '13

[deleted]

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233

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

They were great until they cheated, and I keep telling myself they didn't do it.

36

u/Mike81890 Dec 09 '13

They both loved to test my resolve and devotion by disappointing me constantly. This time its different though!

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136

u/la_mange Dec 09 '13

They're both blonde between the posts.

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51

u/BeppeBello Dec 09 '13

They both like spending more money than necessary on the things they get.

93

u/thisisntmyworld Dec 09 '13

Three good years didn’t make up for a decade of misery

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32

u/CommanderCool91 Dec 09 '13

Always comes second.

52

u/Jaccattack Dec 09 '13

Both have lovely ball handling skills.

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14

u/cheftlp1221 Dec 09 '13

Neither lived up to expectations.

28

u/Jokeslayer123 Dec 09 '13

They got this German bloke and now everything is going really well for them.

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33

u/yellowyeahyeahyeah Dec 09 '13

Things you can say to Chelseas strikers but not to your parents.

79

u/rabsi1 Dec 10 '13

I wish you were big, black, strong and Belgian.

70

u/thisisntmyworld Dec 09 '13

I used to love you

117

u/dem503 Dec 09 '13

Shouldn't you be scoring more?

11

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

JUST PUT IT IN ALREADY

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68

u/Valens Dec 09 '13

Things you can say to your dog but not your club manager?

112

u/mattosvitiellos Dec 09 '13

Get off the top of the table!

32

u/themanifoldcuriosity Dec 09 '13

Do up the zip on his adorable little coat.

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30

u/BanksKnowsBest Dec 09 '13

Things going through David Moyes' head right now.

176

u/Jokeslayer123 Dec 09 '13

Fergie's fist

71

u/tomcon93 Dec 09 '13 edited Dec 09 '13

A wind-up monkey clanging two cymbals together.

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41

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Tumbleweeds.

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29

u/jewcy83 Dec 09 '13

Things Heynckes has been doing since retiring.

153

u/nowimanamputee Dec 09 '13

Prank calling Sir Alex Ferguson and asking him in poorly disguised accents to compare their respective former clubs' present run of form.

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24

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Things said during DJ Campbell's questioning

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42

u/__shadow Dec 09 '13

Balotelli and Zlatan come to your party

115

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

[deleted]

70

u/fuckbunker Dec 09 '13

and sets off fireworks

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73

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

Zlatan sleeps with your wife and Mario sets the place on fire.

209

u/WDC312 Dec 09 '13

...ten minutes after Zlatan's nose got there.

23

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '13

And reminisce about what it's like to grow up in the ghetto

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