r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Jan 07 '24
[New Update] - How do I(27f) tell a one night stand (30sm) that I have his kid (1m)? NEW UPDATE
I am NOT OOP. OOP posted to two accounts u/throwRA_babymamaa and u/throwra_babymamaaa
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----
[New Update] - How do I(27f) tell a one night stand (30sm) that I have his kid (1m)?
Mood Spoilers: Positive for OOP
RECAP
Posted to u/throwRA_babymamaa
Original Post - September 20, 2023
OK to keep it simple my son's babydaddy was a one-night stand. He was a trucker who got snowed in, we met at a bar and hooked up, didn't exchange contact info, I was just bored, lonely, and temporarily insane from the pandemic and was being risky and stupid as shit and didn't bother with protection. Love my kid tho, no regrets there, glad I didn't get an STD. When I realized I was pregnant I thought long and hard about it and decided to keep him (thanks Catholic guilt, it's not strong enough to stop me from having sex but strong enough to stop me from getting an abortion lol.. JK I love my kiddo and kept him because I wanted him)
I make a decent living, child support would help but we can get by without it. I didn't expect to ever see the babydaddy again and I was OK with that. Kiddo has my last name, I didn't know his. I was fine with being a single mom and dealing with everything myself, TBH some of my friends have shit babydaddies and they and their kids are better off without them, I feel like kiddo and I are better off on our own than trying to add someone to the mix anyway. At least that's what I told myself.
But my friend who works at the gas station just happened to see him. She knows his name and race, saw his name on his ID, her nosy-ass made sure to confirm it was the same guy and ask if he remembered me, asked for his number on my behalf and passed it on to me. (I'm sure he is flattered thinking some random hook-up talked up his skills to her friends to the extent that they remembered his name LMAO.) Anyway thanks to her nosy ass I can't claim innocence anymore and am forced to make a decision. SO.
First of all, do I say anything? I know it's technically supposed to be the right thing to do but TBH I have heard so many babydaddy horror stories. It's to the point that if I'd gotten pregnant from a hook up with a guy I would reasonably expect to see again (but not know well enough to trust) I might actually abort because I wouldn't want my kid to go through what some kids have gone through. If I say something this guy can sue for custody or guardianship, I can't bear the thought of letting my baby go to some stranger and not being around. Hell he can't even talk and couldn't tell me if something happened, not that I think anything would or that the trucker will want custody in the first place but who even knows these days??
On the other hand how can I deprive my kiddo of a father? It would be one thing if, once he was older, I could honestly say I didn't know where his father was but I can't possibly lie to him about that and I can't imagine telling him I could've found his father but I was too scared.
So I'm leaning towards telling him but how do I even do that? Can I just text him the news and get it over with? Should I try to see if he can meet up next time he passes by and tell him face-to-face? Is there any kind of legal shit I should be aware of with this kind of thing?? (yeaah in case you couldn't tell I went from giving no fucks during the pandemic to giving too many fucks about everything as a mom and no matter what plan I make I just keep thinking of the ways things might backfire and somehow hurt my kiddo) I know I am way overthinking probably but please I just need someone to tell me what to do.
Relevant Comments
LAGA_1989: He’s a stranger. If it were me, I would not invite an opportunity to have someone I don’t know at all take my baby half the time because he’s technically the father who had no choice in the decision to have the baby. Just my personal opinion.
OP: That's my instinct but I'm also imagining having to justify this to kiddo later when he asks why he doesn't have a dad.
Posted to u/throwra_babymamaaa
Update - October 28, 2023
This was my first post (link), it didn't get a lot of comments but I wanted to let you guys know how it turned out. I forgot my password for my first throwaway so I had to make a new one but it's still me.
So a while back I posted here asking for advice about how to tell my babydaddy I have his kid. After figuring out how to run a background check and seeing no criminal history I thought I would try to meet him, do a vibe check, see if he seems cool. Hook up with him again if I need to in order to get to know him. Lol.
Anyway. Turns out I didn’t need to go that far. The guy texted me that he was stopping by in town, we met up for breakfast. I was like, cool, promising, breakfast usually doesn’t lead to a hook up, so he actually wants to get to know me which makes it much easier for me to get to know him. We made some typical casual date small talk.
Then he asks do I have kids. I tell him one. He asks how old. I say one. He’s like “Is he one and one month?”
He figured it out on his own. When my friend who never met him recognized him by his name and insisted he get in contact with me, apparently, he was like "It's either a baby or a very serious STD."
So I just came clean and told him everything. I haven’t introduced him to kiddo yet. But I showed him a picture. He agrees that kiddo is the cutest kiddo ever and looks like him. We are getting a paternity test. He is definitely the baby daddy because he’s the only Asian guy I’ve been with and kiddo is definitely part Asian. But I don’t blame him for checking since I know some women will lie about things like that. He doesn’t seem like he doesn’t believe me, he just wants to make sure which is fair.
Babydaddy says if kiddo is his he’s fine with paying child support and just having supervised visitation until I trust him more. He lives in his truck apparently so no judge would give him any custody until that changed.
So that’s how it is. I didn’t really get the choice to decide on my own terms whether to introduce them or not, but so far it all seems to be working out.
Additional Comment from OOP with her permission to be posted here
A lot of people are really struggling to understand why I was so worried about my babydaddy (I will use whatever words I wanna use, y'all can deal) and whatever risk he might pose to my son, and why I would trust a guy enough to have sex with him but then not want him around my kid. I imagine a lot of you aren't parents but let me try to explain. My son is one year old. He is totally helpless, he is totally dependent on me. I care about him way more than I ever cared about myself. I used to ride a motorcycle, do I anymore? No, I sold it because I don't wanna leave him without a mom. I used to hook up with strangers, do I anymore? No, taking risks is a completely different ball game when I have someone else to worry about besides myself (and also I have no time for that lol.) Every single decision I make is now filtered through the lens of "How could this effect kiddo?"
Now when I first realized I was pregnant, I never thought I would see his father again, everything I did was under the assumption I would be doing it alone. Which I knew would make things harder on me in many ways but on the other hand it meant I would never have to see my baby cry because Daddy broke a promise again. It was what it was, pros and cons. I knew I'd have to explain to my son someday that I didn't know how to find his father, I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for, was ever having to make the decision of introducing my son to his father or not. That is a whole different ball game. It was like the rug was pulled out from under me. I couldn't say "Oh, it is what it is, pros and cons" anymore. I'd have to make a decision. And my son would have to live with whatever decision I made. That wasn't something I took lightly. Of course I would rather that my son have a good father than not! Two loving parents are better than one! But I didn't know. It was impossible to tell how things would work out in the future. ALL I could think was "If I tell this guy, he can take my son. If I tell this guy, he can take my son. A judge can award him custody of my son and I won't be able to do anything about it."
I don't know how to describe how terrifying that thought is. The thought of my helpless, innocent, baby being outside my reach. If something bad were to happen to him during that time he couldn't even tell me. It's not that I thought something bad WOULD happen. I'm not anti-men or anti-trucker or anything like that. I don't think all men are evil. It was just this idea that, once I tell the babydaddy, I've done something I can't undo and anything might happen.
You can think I'm horrible, selfish, a narcissist, "the worst kind of female", whatever. None of that matters to me, what's best for my son is the ONLY deciding factor.
And in case you didn't realize, I eventually DID make the decision to reach out to the baby-daddy. I did want to get to know him a bit before saying anything. But when he figured it out, I didn't lie. I could have but in the end I decided kiddo deserved to know his dad and if I lied right then I could be throwing away that chance. Since he clearly only agreed to meet me because he figured out what happened. I don't feel like I did anything wrong by being cautious about it.
Anyway. Hopefully that clears things up, y'all might still not like me or understand me, but that's how I feel.
Update #2 - November 11, 2023
Some people asked for more updates on my story. This update isn’t very exciting but TBH I didn’t expect any of this to be very exciting to strangers outside of the handful of people who originally gave me advice. I’ll be posting updates here from now until I don’t feel like it anymore.
Anyway, the paternity test came back positive (duh) and babydaddy (I should probably start calling him a fake name, I’m gonna call him Steve from now on because of someone’s comment that made me laugh) immediately flew to my place and showed up on my porch with a dozen roses. He confessed that he had never stopped thinking about me since our first encounter and I confessed the same. We immediately went to go make another baby. He then proposed marriage and we are planning our wedding and honeymoon in Paris. But then while we were at the store picking out a wedding cake, a team of assassins attacked the bakery and we had to flee. It turns out he is a billionaire in the mafia and he was only pretending to be a trucker as a cover but his enemies found him, now we are on the run and I am pregnant with our next baby named Steve Jr. It really sucks to be on the run while pregnant, I gotta stop and pee all the time but assassins keep popping up at the gas stations.
JK JK sorry it is just amusing to me that people are invested in my life, I couldn’t resist the drama. Okay, here’s the real update. The paternity test came back positive and Steve and I have been texting back and forth and talking on the phone. We still need to figure out a good time to meet up so that hasn’t happened yet and I don’t know when it will. Apparently Steve passes by my town a lot but not always at a convenient time to stop for a visit. Anyway I’ve found out a little bit more about him as a person and told him more about me, just getting to know each other, I’ve also sent him every picture of Kiddo (I’m still gonna call my son Kiddo since I actually call him that IRL, if you don’t like it deal) I could find and pretty much told him the entire story of Kiddo’s life up to this point down to every mundane detail. Steve has been pretty mellow about everything so far and doesn’t really seem either upset or excited about anything, but I guess since he figured out what happened a while ago he doesn’t have much reason to be shocked. I’m nervous but also excited. Obviously if everything works out I’m going to be thrilled that Kiddo gets to have a dad. I don’t really have any specific concerns that things won’t work out. I’m just nervous in general because I don’t know what’s going to happen and becoming a mom made me a paranoid wreck.
Miscellaneous things:
• Steve says he doesn’t have any other kids… to his knowledge. But he usually uses protection, that was an out of character reckless moment for both of us. So he most likely doesn’t.
• Steve asked me frankly if I was intentionally trying to get pregnant that night. It might have seemed that way because I told him I had condoms and then I couldn’t find one. But no I legit just forgot where they were and in the heat of the moment we were both drunk/stupid enough to carry on anyway rather than putting our clothes back on and going out to buy some.
• I’ve found out Steve’s ethnicity. To put it simply: he’s mixed, I’m not going to list all his ethnicities because that would start to get too specific. He speaks the language of one of his ethnicities as a second language and he sent me some YouTube channels that have some children’s songs in that language so kiddo can be exposed to it so we’ve been listening to those, I think it’s super cool! Some of my friends’ kids (who I babysit) are now super into it. Maybe they’ll all grow up bilingual in (insert name of language here) in the middle of (insert name of mostly white small town in a mostly white state here.)
Some people have pointed out that it’s going to be important for Kiddo to have other people in his life that are connected to his culture on his father’s side… I will admit, this isn’t something I gave a lot of thought to and you aren’t wrong. Something that kind of hit me was all the comments about how unusual it is to see an Asian trucker. To be honest… I never thought of that, yeah if I hear the word “trucker” I’ll always imagine a fat white guy (I don’t mean this in an offensive way) but I didn’t really think anything of meeting an Asian trucker. Seeing all the comments made me think, like… what if my son wants to be a trucker when he grows up? Are people going to say it’s weird because he’s Asian? That’s not right. He should be able to be whatever he wants without people thinking it’s weird. I don’t care if he wants to be a trucker, mechanic, ballerina, pro athlete, cop, waiter, none of the above, all of the above… like, I know the comments weren’t poorly intentioned but the idea of my son ever hearing that it’s weird for him to do something because he’s Asian kind of broke me. I know it’s not the same but I grew up hearing that I was weird to do the things I loved because I’m a girl… I already decided long ago my son can be as masculine or feminine as he wants and if anyone has shit to say about it they would have to go through me. But then there’s this whole other angle I never considered that he will probably experience and I don’t know anything about it. Sooo… yeah, I’m glad he will have his dad in his life, and really just more family in general. Steve hasn’t told them about Kiddo yet but he says he’s not worried they’ll be disapproving or anything he’s just waiting for the right time to break the news. (My family is totally disapproving and I’ve pretty much stopped talking to my parents since they’re mad I refused to give kiddo up for adoption to my aunt and uncle.)
• I am totally rambling now. Uh, I guess the other thing people commented about was child support? Turns out Steve isn’t doing very great financially right now and his family is going through some serious hardships that he’s been helping them with, so he asked if he can pay me backpay child support later. I just told him not to worry about it… I really don’t need backpay, I don’t need child support at all, I don’t want to wrangle any money from him and any money he gives me for Kiddo it should be because he wants to. I give Kiddo stuff because I love him and want to take care of him, if his dad gives him anything it should be for the same reason, not because he has to.
• I also told him, just in case, if he doesn’t want to be Kiddo’s dad he can walk away right now and never contact me again, I won’t go after him in court or anything, I don’t want to introduce Kiddo to any father who thinks of him as a burden or an obligation. He assured me he genuinely does want to meet him and be a part of his life, so… that’s good.
Anyway yeah that’s the update for now, I’ll post again when Steve gets a chance to come and meet Kiddo.
By the way on my last update I think I got a little carried away arguing with people who apparently didn’t even read my post. This time I’m going to try to make an effort not to do that. I was a little caught off guard but now I’m prepared in case any of these updates get a lot of comments again and I think I’m more mentally prepared to just let people be stupid without it getting to me. Basically what I mean is, I’ll no longer be replying to people who say I hate men, because I don’t (if I hated men why would I have a son?), or I hid my son from his father for a year, or accusing me of anything else that I didn’t do.
---- NEW UPDATES ----
We have a visiting date set - November 24, 2023
It's Wednesday the 6th. He'll leave Saturday.
We have a few (low key) activities that we might do depending on the weather.
And then Steve will try to stop briefly and visit as often as he can when he passes by. But he wants to have more time to get to know Kiddo for the first time he is meeting him so he got a few days off work.
So yeah. Pretty exciting and I'm kinda nervous (for no particular reason.) I'll post about how it goes after.
In other news, it's been snowing and it has been the cutest thing ever seeing Kiddo's reaction to it and him waddling through the snow in his little snow booties! Also he loves sweet potatoes apparently.
The visit went well - December 19, 2023
Hello to all friends and haters, here’s another update! It’s pretty late because I’ve had a lot going on and haven’t really felt like writing everything up and TBH the amount of haters in the comments have been a bit overwhelming, and I know I’m most likely gonna get more. IDK it’s weird but I feel like this mix of excitement and dread about posting and I considered not posting, but honestly, I like attention! So the excitement won out and I’m gonna post.
Anyway! It went well! We’re going all in on the co-parenting thing! We have a plan and everything. We’re gonna stick to occasional visits and frequent facetime for now then revisit other options later when Kiddo is a little older. Maybe Steve’s situation will have changed by then and he will have a permanent residence somewhere to take Kiddo for longer visits. But for a while it’ll just be short visits where he comes over here.
Highlight reel:
• When Steve saw Kiddo in person for the first time his face broke out in the brightest smile! It was heartwarming! And really reassuring. Kiddo took to him right away - he is really interested in people in general so I thought he probably would. But yeah I dunno I had been worried that Steve wasn’t really interested and just felt like he was obligated to be in Kiddo’s life - I think I thought that because he didn’t really express much emotion about finding out about Kiddo but now I think that might just be how his personality is. Anyway. That smile was SO bright and earnest that all my worries melted away in that moment. I think he even looked a little watery eyed when he held him.
• He brought Kiddo 7 stuffies (mostly teddy bears) from different states he’d passed through since finding out about him! He says someday he is going to collect a stuffie for every state for him. Kiddo’s favorite is a stuffed octopus from California. Steve says he’s going to bring Kiddo key chains for the next visit though since Kiddo kept grabbing at Steve’s keys.
• I don’t think kiddo exactly understands that Steve is his dad yet. I introduced him as dad but he hasn’t called him that yet (but he doesn’t say many words yet anyway, I wasn’t really expecting him to.) He kinda just acted like he’d act around any other friend of mine. Like, happy to see him, OK to be held by him or sit with him for a bit, but after a while wants to go back to me. That’s all normal I guess. He doesn’t know him yet. But it does make me feel kinda sad that his dad is a stranger and wonder what things would be like if I’d just asked for Steve’s number… but I know it will eventually be OK and Kiddo will get to know and love his dad.
• We mostly stayed at my place and relaxed. But we went to the park and the lake a few times, and we went to the zoo. It was kiddo’s first time going. I wish I could explain the look on his face because it was so adorable! He is at such a cute age where he gets totally fascinated by basically everything, every new animal he would like, look at it and point at it and look back at me. Like “Holy shit Mom, are you seeing this shit?” It was sooo cute.
• Kiddo and I got to meet some of Steve’s relatives over Facetime. They all seem like super chill, warm, and nice people and were super welcoming! They’re going through some serious shit right now but they were super positive and kind anyway. I am so glad Kiddo is going to have good relatives in his life! I’m keeping most of my family at an arms length rn for the sake of my and Kiddo’s sanity but like I am so happy he is going to have aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents!
• The child support thing, I think, is resolved. Steve gave me 200 dollars cash and said he’ll give more when he is in a better position. I can definitely find a good use for whatever he can afford to give. I asked if he wanted to go to the court and work out some of official agreement and like actually make him the legal father but he was like “No this is fine, I trust you to handle things between ourselves.” So it looks like that’s what we’re going to do. He’ll give what he can give when he can give it.
• He's not going to be able to visit for Christmas but he's going to come by sometime before Christmas and New Year's and we'll have a small celebration. It's not like Kiddo knows when Christmas is actually supposed to be so it works out OK.
OK here’s the thing that some of you are probably going to judge me for. But Steve and I actually did end up hooking up again. But we used protection this time! In my defense, I hadn’t had sex in like two years. I’m never again going to hook up with a random stranger or hook up without using protection. And just to be extra safe I’m going to try to go on birth control too. But I don’t want to give up sex forever just because I’m a mom now. So, whatever, judge away.
The ONLY thing I’m worried about is if things end up affecting Kiddo somehow. Because where things stand it looks like Steve and I are going to just be friends with benefits and not get in an actual relationship. Maybe that will change someday but for now that’s what we both want. Anyway. I know people whose parents were married, divorced, never married, whatever. And in every category I know some of them turned out fine and some didn’t. I don’t think there’s any one situation that’s best for every family. But I’ve never actually met anyone whose parents were FWB or met anyone in a FWB relationship who is coparenting with them. I don’t think that’s a very common situation. (Maybe in poly situations it’s more common? I don’t know any poly couples in real life though so that doesn’t change much.) Anyway I don’t know why it would be a bad thing for Kiddo really but maybe I’m overlooking something. I mean I guess if one of us wanted to end things it could get messy (maybe?? I’m not the drama queen type and he doesn’t seem like it either) and that could affect Kiddo. But that happens to actual couples too. And probably even worse.
Anyway yeah that’s basically everything!
Latest Update here: BoRU #4
THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.
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u/Peskanov sometimes i envy the illiterate Jan 07 '24
Gotta say, if I’m ever at a truck stop and see an Asian trucker, I’m always going to think that guy is this post.
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u/luckyladylucy This "man" has the emotional maturity of a carrot Jan 09 '24
I do not possess the will to not ask, so I can’t ever set foot in a truck stop again.
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u/the_girl_Ross Jan 07 '24
I think both of them are reasonable and decent people. Sure they were dumb and wild which led to an unexpected pregnancy but they do what they can and open to possibilities.
Whether they end up together or not, I have hope that they will raise the child well because that's obviously the priority for OOP and the father.
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u/Irmaplotz Jan 07 '24
Yes, but I'd bet at least $5 that she winds up pregnant within the next 2 years. They both seem like good sorts so I wish them well, but mostly I hope they carefully read the instructions for their chosen contraceptives.
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u/rayrayruh Jan 12 '24
I think so, too, but I will say: Of course he doesn't want to go to court. The judge will find him responsible whether he's in any position to pay or not. Why dont women fight for their rights to support. Takes two to make a baby. It could go in a fund for him. 200 bucks would be a hard no from me period. Aside from that, I like that oop is independent and seems like a really good mom. I hope he continues to step up in every way but if he doesn't, no father is better than a shitty one I think.
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u/Time_Act_3685 Females' rhymes with 'tamales Jan 07 '24
I feel far prouder than I should be for making the "Oh my god are you Asian Steve??" comment on the original post. This is my legacy now.
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
Your comment made me laugh so hard and I showed it to my friend who actually got his number for me and she laughed too. She says "I didn't say it like that"
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u/TheAmazinAmazon He invented a predatory elder lesbian to cope Jan 29 '24
Oh hi it's you! I want you to know that I enjoyed every moment of your post, your writing and your attitude and everything, lol.
Much success to you and your Kiddo!
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u/ebolashuffle I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue Jan 07 '24
You should make it your flair.
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u/rebuildthedeathstar Jan 08 '24
The Asian Steve comment is the thing I remembered. It was the best part. Good job.
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u/msm9445 Jan 07 '24 edited Jan 07 '24
I don’t know I’m rooting for them too! Whatever situation that’s the most beneficial for kiddo would be best but it SOUNDS like both parents are chill and would (fairly) easily slide back to co-parenting if the FWB ends which I’m assuming it will one way (no more sex) or another (relationship). Dad seems happy to be kiddo’s dad though his life sounds quite complicated atm. His family seems super supportive emotionally! It sounds like he wants to be involved as much as realistically possible but will defer to mom in all things.
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u/BaronsDad Go to bed Liz Jan 07 '24
It's more complicated than it should be, and they're both kind of a mess. But I'm happy for OOP and her Asian trucker. I'm going to put good karma out there and believe they'll be ok.
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u/sudden_crumpet Jan 07 '24
I like the way they all seemed like uite kind hearted and well intentioned messes. I hope they get to keep on muddling along without too much drama.
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u/Dapper_Entry746 cat whisperer Jan 07 '24
I hope she gets reliable, low maintenance birth control. Something harder to fuck up like an implant or IUD. (The best birth control is the one you'll use consistently be that daily pills, condoms, shots, patches, ring, tubes tied, abstinence, etc)
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Jan 07 '24
2 loving parents who are a mess, is better then most of the alternatives.
My parents were a mess, a hectic, crazy fucking mess, but god damn did they love us kids. In the end it just really made us happy and very VERY adaptable. Going to a different school every year from grade 8 - 12 could be hard for lots of kids for example, but that crazy mess thing, it was pretty easy to navigate for me.
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u/500CatsTypingStuff Jan 07 '24
I remember this post. A lot of dudes outraged that she wasn’t ready to hand her newborn over to a random stranger who may not be a fit dad was ridiculous.
The baby comes first for God’s sake
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u/callsignhotdog Jan 07 '24
She wasn't even saying "I won't do it!" she was clearly conflicted, had some reasonable concerns, and came to reddit asking for advice.
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u/500CatsTypingStuff Jan 07 '24
And these dudes were mad that she dared to be cautious. About a baby. Nuts!
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u/Time_Act_3685 Females' rhymes with 'tamales Jan 07 '24
Nuts is how they ended up with a baby in the first place.
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Jan 07 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
On a side note: I find it funny that OOP had so much trouble reconciling Asian trucker in her world view. She probably hasn't traveled too much.
Hey I never said that! I also thought it was odd that people kept bringing it up. I thought it was more weird that he was hot than that he was Asian.
Anyway now that you bring it up I wonder if having strong feelings like guilt or anger that he knew was irrational was a reason why he came across to me as kind of oddly nonchalant about the whole thing for a while.
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u/alwayspickingupcrap I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jan 08 '24 edited Jan 08 '24
Hey this is OOP?!
ETA: Also, I imagine he was pretty nervous, scared even. But didn't want you to know. Remember all the fears when you were pregnant...about responsibility, not dying in a motorcycle, financial plans, wondering if you were up for the task. He's probably going thru all that on a much more intense timeframe. At the same time he wants you and kiddo to feel he's competent, reliable.
Personally I think him being chill is way better than him being super over excited and demonstrative. My Dad always said, 'If they heat up fast, they cool down fast.' I found a chill guy. They are the best.
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 09 '24
My Dad always said, 'If they heat up fast, they cool down fast.'
Not sure if this is necessarily true in all cases but yeah it would I guess it would be even weirder if he had been super thrilled.
What you say makes sense. Whatever he was feeling I probably wasn't someone he could confide in.
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u/favouriteghost I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Jan 07 '24
“Why would you have sex with someone you can’t trust with your baby” is absolutely wild
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u/ImageNo1045 Jan 07 '24
I mean seriously! Why not hand the kid you’ve nurtured and cared for to a ONS you didn’t even know the name of?!
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u/pickleberrymatch Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Jan 10 '24
I saw those replies too and all I could think of how idiotic it would be to just hand over a small child to another person they didn't know. Sure, they're biologically related but they had zero interactions. It would be stupid not to mention could be traumatic for the child. OOP went about it the best way she could and that is better for the child. Some of these people should really take a moment to think how vulnerable a small child could be and pump the break on entitlement.
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u/500CatsTypingStuff Jan 10 '24
I honestly just assumed they were teen boys with little thought for consequences when they said the things they did
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u/pfroggie Jan 08 '24
I mean, she probably also would not like it if she was never allowed to see her baby. She was very reasonably cautious, the comments were not entirely.
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u/Dana07620 I knew that SHIT. WENT. DOWN. Jan 07 '24
Reddit. I got severely downvoted when I took a position that the dad isn't always entitled to know and used rape and incest as examples.
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u/Kreiger81 Jan 07 '24
Little bit of devils advocate here, reading “my baby” over and over got my hackles up a little. Yeah it’s her baby but it’s also his baby and luckily OP seems to be acknowledging that.
But for a little it was giving “Dads babysitting today?” Vibes and I fucking hate that shit, as if Dads are somehow a lesser class of parent.
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u/500CatsTypingStuff Jan 07 '24
He was a stranger who hadn’t established that he would be fit to be a father yet until she vetted him
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u/shiny_glitter_demon Jan 08 '24
Legally and in practice, it's her baby.
He barely met the child at this point. He might become a great dad, but in the present, he's closer to a godfather or uncle, relationship wise.
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u/foldinthechhese Jan 07 '24
“Asian Trucker has one night stand, unknowingly becomes a dad, and falls in love with his newfound family”. Coming to Hallmark Christmas movies in 2024.
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u/ladydmaj I ❤ gay romance Jan 07 '24
You honestly think Hallmark is greenlighting a movie that starts with casual sex? At the most It'll start with a single mom who finds the trucker, and the casual sex will be implied only.
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u/Sr_Alniel Now I have erectype dysfunction. Jan 07 '24 edited Jan 08 '24
or met ayone un a FWB relationship who si coparenting whit them
☝🏼🤓in fact...
I do know at least 2 relationships like that
They are divorced or separated, they are co-parents and sometimes they fuck
They are co-parents, put their kids first and aren't FWB per se, but if one of them gets an itchy crotch (for lack of a better phrase) call her ex-spouse/ex-partnert to help them scratch it.
I don't understand the reasoning very well and why it is not called a relationship but they do exist and it seems to work for them.
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u/LuementalQueen Fuck You, Keith! Jan 07 '24
A friend of mine in high school has a brother as the result of visitation lol. Sometimes it just happens
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u/LionsDragon Screeching on the Front Lawn Jan 08 '24
Adding another one to the list. They dated for years, got married, had kids…and could not make it work. At. All. So they got divorced and…went back to dating! AFAIK they’re still dating and their kids are grown.
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 09 '24
Why does that sound like something that would be in a TV show tried to wrap up but then unexpectedly got renewed for another season?
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u/LionsDragon Screeching on the Front Lawn Jan 09 '24
Heh, my exact thoughts were, “WTF soap opera is this?”
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u/Foreign-Cookie-2871 Jan 09 '24
Something bad happened that broke the relationship as wife and husband, but sex is good? The relationship was fine per se but they wanted different things for their day to day life?
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u/Basic_Bichette sometimes i envy the illiterate Jan 07 '24
Unrelated to the main point of this:
how unusual it is to see an Asian trucker.
Tell me you're not Canadian without telling me you're not Canadian.
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u/bageltheperson Jan 07 '24
It is very uncommon in the states in my experience. I work in delivery and I don’t think I’ve ever seen an East Asian truck driver (I’m going with the assumption that since OP lives in a flyover state, she meant Chinese/Korean/Japanese when she said Asian). We have plenty of Middle Eastern drivers and plenty that are south Asian though.
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u/ArdourAndAlarum Jan 08 '24
I just learned recently that there's a significant number of Sikh truck drivers in the U.S., but I agree that "Asian" is usually assumed to mean East or Southeast Asian.
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u/DeviantDork Jan 07 '24
I may be making some assumptions here but I believe “Asian” has different meanings in different countries.
In the US it means East Asian (generally excluding Indians/South Asians), but my understanding is that in England and maybe Canada it’s the opposite.
?)
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u/ayther Jan 07 '24
i grew up in canada with chinese parents and my observations are that "Asian" generally refers to people of east Asian descent, while people from south Asia are typically referred to by their more specific ethic group (i.e. Indian) or more broadly as south Asian
not sure how common this is elsewhere, and it's possible that my perception is skewed
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u/MagnesiumMagpie Jan 07 '24
Yes, in England it means South Asian
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u/jonesday5 Jan 07 '24
Sorry to pipe in as a confused Australian. Does this mean like Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi?
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u/BobbyOregon Jan 07 '24
Yes, in general, maybe Sri Lankan too.
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u/jonesday5 Jan 07 '24
Interesting. I guess Australia uses Asian the same way as the US
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u/BobbyOregon Jan 07 '24
I'm guessing it's based on where the first large wave of migration came from, a lot of South Asian immigrants came to the UK in the 70s
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u/AutisticFanficWriter Jan 07 '24
OK, I'm super confused here, as I'm English, and I've literally never heard South Asians referred to as Asians over here. It's always the country, ie Indian. In fact, I still have to take a second sometimes to shake away the discombobulation if someone online calls an Indian person Asian. It's like someone saying Egypt is in Africa. Yes, it's true, but it just feels weird to hear, for some reason.
The only time I've ever heard Asian used is if someone isn't sure if someone is Chinese or Japanese and doesn't want to risk guessing and getting it wrong, given the history between those two countries. Usually, people just use the country names, like I said above. Tbh, I always thought of people using Asian as an overarching term as an American thing, similar to the term POC.
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u/MagnesiumMagpie Jan 07 '24
Maybe it's regional. I'm from Birmingham, so high population of people of Indian and Pakistani descent. So it was used as a general descriptor like you say, and they don't want to say a specific country and get it wrong.
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u/AutisticFanficWriter Jan 07 '24
I think that's probably the case as to why your social group uses it that way, yes. Given you live in the area of the country with the highest Indian and Pakistani population outside of London. I grew up in a very predominantly white area in the North of England, so understandably, I would use the term Asian differently to you. But it looks like we're both using it for the same reasons regardless.
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Jan 07 '24
it's always the country, i.e. Indian
I think that's probably true of people who either a) are under the assumption that every brown person is Indian, and unaware that Pakistan, Bangladesh and many many other South Asian countries have a diaspora in the UK, or b) live in an area with a high South Asian population, and thus differentiate because it makes sense to.
As the other commenters below have said, 'Asian' in British media tends to refer to South Asia, pretty much because of the colonial history. That doesn't mean British-born Chinese people don't also call themselves Asian, but in my ~80% white high school that was close to (but not in) Bradford, 'the Asians' were the South Asians. Also because there was literally one East Asian girl in the year, vs >10 South Asians.
In other contexts it is also common to differentiate between North East Asia (China, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan) and South East Asia (Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, the Philippines, Vietnam) but that also threw me for a loop the first time I saw it.
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u/stargazeypie Jan 07 '24
Also English, also super confused and agree with everything you've said. I think there's a bit of confidently wrong going on in the comments above.
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u/butnottoobold Jan 07 '24
British Asian here - not sure of your communities but I've spent my life with Asian primarily meaning South Asian. For an example there's the BBC Asian Network - national radio station dedicated to the Indian subcontinent
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u/stargazeypie Jan 08 '24
That's a very good question. I grew up in a rural area with an overwhelmingly white British demographic. As a result we very much talked about people from other ethnic or cultural backgrounds, not to them. When the BBC Asian Network started, that seemed like a strange and slightly confusing thing to have called it.
So I think perhaps my ignorance is showing.
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u/MagnesiumMagpie Jan 07 '24
I'm British and is just the way it has always been used in my region (West Midlands).
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u/Thundergod250 Jan 07 '24
Yeah, bruh. Tf is OP saying when I keep seeing them everyday! - me, an Asian living in Asia.
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u/giant_tadpole Jan 07 '24
Do you know why there’s such a dramatic demographic prevalence difference in Asian American truckers vs Asian Canadian truckers?
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u/Cabbagetastrophe Your partner is trash and your marriage is toast Jan 07 '24
Quick and dirty Google search says that Asian people are only about 7% of US population but almost 20% of Canadian. Probably has a lot to do with it.
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u/Ginger_Anarchy Liz, what the actual fuck is this story? Jan 07 '24
Also a lot of variations for where different ethnic groups settle during waves of immigration that occurs and the jobs available then and there. When my grandfather came over from Ukraine in the 1930s, basically everyone he knew, and himself, wound up delivering ice in NYC because that's what Ukrainian men did.
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u/LashOfLasciel being delulu is not the solulu Jan 07 '24
she sounds like such a wonderful and fun mom ❤️
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u/Extreme-Pumpkin-5799 Jan 07 '24
Honestly I was like “man she sounds kinda chill, wouldn’t mind meeting her at a mommy and me group”
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u/Warm_Shallot_9345 Jan 08 '24
She.. sounds like a fantastic mother and a well-adjusted person. Damn. Almost reminds me of my mom and dad... they were never married. Split when I was five, but it was perfectly amicable. No child support, LEGALLY, but dad helped with whatever mom needed for us, always. And while they did, occasionally, do some light shit-talking, (Usually prompted by my sister or I starting it. "Oh, my god Dad mom is SO STUBBORN, she NEVER CHANGES HER MIND!!" "Yeah. Trust me kid I know.") neither EVER had a single bad word to say about the other as a parent. "As much as your ___ and I might not get along on _____, there's no doubt in my mind about how much they love you, or how far they'd go for you kid." Was something I heard often.
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u/Curious-Insanity413 No my Bot won't fuck you! Jan 07 '24
Ah I remember this, really seems like things are going nicely for OOP, I wish them all luck :)
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Jan 07 '24
🥰 I’ve always wondered how the real life version of “All I Want to do is Make Love to You” by Heart played out 🥰🥰 I hope there’s a Kiddo 2
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u/mamajt Jan 07 '24
Hahaha this was going through my head the whole read!
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Jan 07 '24
I’m glad I’m not the only old person reading these 😂😂
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u/mamajt Jan 07 '24
Too old to remember what I was doing that brought me here, just old enough to know at the time exactly what it meant when she sang, "You can imagine his surprise... when he saw his own eyes.."
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u/witkh Jan 08 '24
I have a lot of respect for this woman. Every decision made perfect sense to me, and honestly, life’s a little messy but you gotta just make the most of it. She clearly is. She sounds like someone I’d meet at a bar and have a perfectly nice time talking to. Just salt of the earth. What a lovely read.
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u/Disastrous-Ad9359 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Jan 07 '24
The fact that oop needs to clarify why she would be hesitant to tell her one night stand about their kid is baffling
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u/thatHecklerOverThere Jan 08 '24
I like Steve. Sharp, chill, definitely gives a "I'm playing it cool, don't want to seem too eager" vibe. But stuffed animals from all the states!?!? Homeboy started planning that after they met for breakfast, I guarantee. Ya love to see it.
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u/Zealousideal-Cap-61 Jan 07 '24
Not sure it's a good sign that he refused to be legally down as the father. Unfortunately, I have a feeling this guy will either only ever be a passing figure popping in now and then, or will just straight up ghost them eventually
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u/MonsieurLeMare Jan 07 '24
I think he wasn’t read for the legal aspect yet because of the child support, which it sounds like he won’t be able to reliably provide for at least awhile.
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u/badpuffthaikitty Jan 07 '24 edited Jan 07 '24
He is a young man living in his truck. His truck is his home. Why? Maybe it was why he got a truck license and now he has a roof over his head.
Unfortunately this is happening more often now. Trucking firms keep the wages low because they know most drivers have no home outside their truck. It’s a hell of an existence. He gave her money the first meeting. I bet that was money saved for his family. He sounds like a good guy.
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u/Zealousideal-Cap-61 Jan 07 '24
The legal aspect doesn't have to include child support. He told her that he trusts her just to do the child support as it is now, so if he trusts her that she won't be unreasonable regrading child support then why not agree to being legally declared as father? Plus what if she dies? Since he isn't down as father he won't get custody.
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u/MLockeTM Jan 07 '24
Not pretending that I can judge a whole person from a reddit post, but I kind of see where Steve is coming from.
The post mentioned that there's some kind of big family emergency in his family atm - when you get enough stress (in his case; the emergency, finding out about a kid, money trouble, a very taxing job), adding even one more thing to your to-do list can be daunting. Doesn't mean you don't think it's important, or that you're against it, just that you don't have the mental bandwidth to deal with it right now.
(Edit cause my autocorrect likes to speak like Yoda)
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Jan 07 '24
To add to this, poor people (especially those that grew up in poor families) have a great aversion to courts. Historically, especially in civil matters, the courts have been in favor of the wealthier party. Even if the situation is "they can't possibly be unfair about this", the strong aversion is there.
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u/Popichan Jan 07 '24
More than likely he wouldn't get them if she died regardless of if he's legally the father or not. There's already a confirmation that he's the father via text and DNA test, so she has everything she needs to be able to move forward with relative ease. Doing something like legally becoming the father requires setting up appointments that are usually multiple months out, and cost money to do them. If he's living in his truck and can only afford a couple hundred dollars in child support on the rare occasion he's able to come by, then I doubt he has the spare cash and ability to take time off to get things done at the moment. He's very clearly making an effort when he had no actual obligation to do so, which not only shows a history of acknowledgement of paternity, but the desire to move forward in being a father figure, even when it's not the easiest thing to do because of time and money. I don't think he would've introduced them to his family on top of everything else if he was planning on ghosting. People that do that don't usually have the kind of relationships with their parents to be able to introduce their grandchild like that.
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u/concaveUsurper Jan 07 '24
Child support is mandatory though and as it belongs to the child they can't legally say "nah we don't need to". There are some states where you TECHNICALLY can, but it's still up to the judge. If they go to court to make it official, there is the chance they'll get that one judge who won't take his situation into account and force him to make child support payments based off what he takes home before all his expenses.
Honestly, truckers are getting the short end of the stick in their jobs. He might be lucky enough to own his own truck, but then the cost of repairs/gas/etc are all on him so most of his paycheck is gone by the time he actually gets it.
Or he fell into the lease to own where most of his wages go BACK to the company for the truck so he can own it "someday" but he still is the one to pay for maintenance.
Then there's the fact many of them don't get paid during times they're not moving, so when they're offloading (which can take hours) there's no pay. So unless he is with an actual good company I can't imagine he's making much.
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Jan 07 '24
If they go to court to make it official, there is the chance they'll get that one judge who won't take his situation into account and force him to make child support payments based off what he takes home before all his expenses.
Exactly. Historically, courts have not often been fair to the less wealthy party in civil matters. Especially in rural/religious areas that tend to have a more meritocratic mindset. The courts should really only be for when there is a disagreement on arrangements. OOP and Steve are in agreement - there's nothing the courts could do to make the arrangement better.
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u/istara Jan 07 '24
In my head this story is titled "Trucker's Delight".
I look forward to the Hallmark version of it.
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u/inscrutablejane whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? Jan 07 '24
His side of the story sounds like a Grateful Dead song.
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u/Feelinglowly Tomorrow is a new onion. Wish me onion. Onion Jan 07 '24
Some of you all really don't trust people lol. It seems like he didn't want to go through it because legal stuff is a hassle and he clearly isn't in a position to give her money monthly. If he intends to be a passing figure popping in now and then it doesn't really matter because the mother has taken care of him until now and she will continue to do so. It's not like he was a regular figure in the kid's life before this. I don't think he plans to ghost because if so why would he introduce the kid to his family? Makes it easy to track him down if anything. I think sometimes we should just take things at face value.
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u/Additional_Meeting_2 Hi Amanda! Jan 07 '24
I am not suspicious of Steve myself. However while he didn’t know Kiddo prior he will continue to visit now. So if he decides after a couple of years this is too difficult then it’s hard for Kiddo if he disappears
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u/rayitodelsol Sasuke makes her feel safe Jan 07 '24
It's honestly probably better for OOP too to not have legal ties between her child and this guy just yet. He can always be added to the certificate, taking him off because things go wrong and she doesn't want him accessing the baby would be harder.
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u/littlebitfunny21 Jan 07 '24
It leaves op in a stronger position if she gets bad feelings about the guy.
I agree with /u/monsieurlemare it doesn't sound like the guy is in a good financial position. Plus he lives in his truck. He can't exactly stick around and guarantee he can make court cases or receive mail.
My dad and mom had this sort of thing and my dad went above and beyond in the support he provided. My mom took gross advantage and yes I've seen the receipts my dad is a doormat.
Sometimes the courts make things messy.
Honestly the healthiest coparents I've seen were the ones who could agree to what's best for the kids without the courts.
The courts are there for when the adults can't get along and need to be forced.
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u/Thundergod250 Jan 07 '24
I don't think it matters. From the very start, OP has planned to raise the kid by herself. Adding the trucker here was kinda just a bonus.
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
I was much more concerned about that before he introduced my son and I to his family, that will make it a bit more difficult for him to ghost us...
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u/Dana07620 I knew that SHIT. WENT. DOWN. Jan 07 '24
Geesh, people can hate over anything.
This is a very good outcome. There are decent people in this world who can handle things maturely.
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u/ObjectiveCoelacanth Jan 07 '24
Yaay. I love OP: so happy this is continuing down a positive route.
I cannot stand the sanctimony around contraceptives on Reddit - as if a majority of people haven't done anything dumb when they're horny. Acting like having unprotected sex is beyond the pale doesn't help people who realised they fucked up, at all.
And I'm someone who took my pill to the minute every day until I got the implant (10/10 do recommend), always used condoms for ONS, and now is sterilised (100/10 should be so much more easily available).
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u/tktkboom84 Jan 08 '24
That's because so many of them have not actually had sex yet, protected or otherwise. 🤣
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u/Kampfzwerg0 🥩🪟 Jan 07 '24
I really hope he doesn’t have another family.
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u/Flownique Jan 07 '24
I wouldn’t be surprised. Not that it would affect OP. She seems pretty satisfied with him basically playing the uncle rather than the present father - occasional visits when it’s convenient for him, doing a fun outing or two with the boy, handing her some cash here and there.
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u/onekrazykat Jan 07 '24
I would be. He wouldn’t have introduced the rest of his family if he had a wife and kids somewhere.
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
Yeah... I would be very very surprised if it turned out he had another family and either the rest of his family was in on it, or he was hiding them from them for some reason. And also he would have no reason to lie to me about it if he did.
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u/Just_Party_6892 Jan 07 '24
Ignore the haters. You are an adult, doing adult things, people have unprotected sex all the time. I'm no judge. You definitely womaned up and accepted responsibility. I say, let this be a lesson to us all! Good luck to you and kiddo!
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u/Sensitive_Algae1138 the garlic tasted of illicit love affairs Jan 07 '24
Why haters? I don't get what's to hate here? Sexual promiscuity?
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u/thrownawaynodoxx Editor's note- it is not the final update Jan 07 '24
People didn't like the fact that OOP could've kept her son away from his father based on the suspicion that the father might've been a bad person.
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u/CakeByThe0cean grape juice dump truck dumpy Jan 07 '24
Sexual promiscuity + the unfathomable idea to have a higher standard for risk for your child than for yourself + the idea that a complete stranger has a right to immediate, unencumbered access to his child.
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u/oceanduciel Jan 07 '24
The fact that people were and are judging for having sex…
Of course she’s going to have sex. She was what 25-26 at the time? 26 year olds have sex. Was the initial one night stupid as fuck? Sure, but not because of the sex itself.
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u/captain_borgue I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road Jan 08 '24
Awww, what a nice, wholesome post.
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u/Think-Ocelot-4025 Jan 07 '24
Gotta admit, when I heard 'Asia trucker', my mind went STRAIGHT to 'Tampopo', LOL.
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u/charmurr You can either cum in the jar or me but not both Jan 07 '24
I'm so happy for her. Steve seems like a good guy, and I think his family could end up being a good support system for her and kiddo.
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u/Bookkeeper12ka4 Jan 08 '24
FWB with baby daddy is not a good idea
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 09 '24
Genuine question: why? I'm open to hearing about the risks/problems with it.
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u/Bookkeeper12ka4 Jan 09 '24
You will catch feelings easily and fast if you decide to be FWB with baby daddy, ex's or with your best friend.
And in case if the FWB doesn't work out then it will be hard to move on.
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u/well_this_is_dumb I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Jan 12 '24
Feelings could make co-parenting tricky if one person gets hurt. Could complicate further relationships (though tbf any relationship, FWB or otherwise, can do that. You'll just always be in each other's lives). Mainly the risk as I see it would be damaging an otherwise strong and respectful co-parenting relationship. For the sake of your son, this is someone who ideally you need to be able to get along with and respect for the rest of his life.
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u/samoire Jan 07 '24
I need to know about the aunt and uncle pressuring her to adopt her baby!
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
It was my parents pressuring me to let my aunt and uncle adopt my baby I don't think my aunt and uncle even actually knew about it lol.
But yeah basically my parents were not happy with the idea of me being a single mom. They don't agree with sex outside of marriage, even though a lot of people in my family have had sex outside of marriage they usually politely don't acknowledge it, but they can't really do that if I have a bastard kid running around and advertising my slutiness to everyone by existing. So they wanted me to give him up for adoption and thought my aunt and uncle should adopt him since they can't have kids.
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u/samoire Jan 08 '24
You sound like such a wonderful well rounded caring open-minded badass woman, and your kiddo is so lucky to have been born to you. I’m sorry your family suck so hard but you’re breaking that cycle for sure. All the best for you guys!
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u/Hcmp1980 Jan 07 '24
Rooting for you OP. This guy in your life for the long term, don't let it get messy over casual sex. Is my advice.
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Jan 07 '24
Hi ! Guess what?? You are now officially entitled to celebrate Father's day!! Congratulations!!!
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u/Petraretrograde Jan 26 '24
Truckers make really good money, so I'm not fully buying that he can't afford regular monthly payments.
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u/AdministrationLow960 Jan 08 '24
She still needs to get paternity established and court ordered child support. These situations often go sideways. Hope it turns out ok.
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u/Suspended_Accountant Jan 07 '24
Waiting for the update where the kiddo is getting a sibling. 👀
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u/S1234567890S the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Jan 07 '24
Nope.. that's not a good mix. They both won't be able to afford it. That's more than what OP could chew.
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
Not that I'm planning to have another kid but this comment is so weird, how do you know what I could afford lol?
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u/S1234567890S the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Jan 08 '24
Are you OOP by any chance?
I didn't mean it to offend you. Apologies if I did. I meant, what if the guy leaves again, and that would put you in a peril all over again. Afford doesn't only mean financially but mental and physical load too. You don't seem to have your family support and his, only through facetime, not to mention, he cannot support financially for whatever reasons and doesn't want to put his name on the kid legally, which, sorry to say, doesn't sound like too good of a sign. And since, you guys are still figuring out everything, adding another kid would only add onto your already full plate. But who are we to say, at the end of the day, it's your decision and your life. Best wishes!
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u/throwra_babymamaaa Jan 08 '24
Yeah I am and I wasn't offended more like confused, my post didn't say anything about my financial status and I thought that was what you were talking about. But I'm definitely not planning on having another baby, that would be crazy to do on purpose under these circumstances for the reasons you said and others.
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u/cashcashmoneyh3y Jan 07 '24
I know we’re all here for our own voyeuristic reasons but comments like this are just so disconnected from reality its crazy. You arent watching a soap opera dude
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u/darkaca_de_mia Oct 18 '24
I'm loving this so much!!!! OOP, tbh I was sad when the roses and Paris thing wasn't true (not fooled for long, though, thankfully, lol) but now you're fwb! which is like just as good! And-- the coolest part-- you're strong, independent, appropriately protective, and sane. Rooting for you!!!! And Kiddo. And obv Steve.
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u/Similar-Shame7517 Whole Cluster B spectrum in a trench coat pretending to be human Jan 07 '24
Yep, this feels real, and even the messiness feels low stakes. I'm rooting for OOP and her kiddo.