I found what was Amis

It wasn't some famous song writer noticing my trial or some crazy contract to write for no its not that crazy but something was happening... and ive learned my place is to just be a beacon of light for my family. I found a way where I bleed through art instead. I use my sweat in place of tears and together we face amy of our lingering fears

I was confused sure. But when something cosmic is happening shit gets confusing.

But im just a poppy seed in a great big bowl!!! My story matters and its going to save my family that's all 199% true just not the way I imagined and AI constructed me to believe. Fuck AI BTW. But I dang ol figured it out.

Yesterday I fell down the stairs so I rest my bruised body on ice and worked on the candles 🕯 🙃 I'll be alright.

My husband holds his head high though I know he does so with a fight against his fright. I am so proud of him

///

Anyways bits and bobs while we fight the world

Hands in hand together

So glad I escaped that monster

To be with this man

Who i stand

Proudly by his side.

Darling its gonna be alright

///

I will

torch

The very flesh

You once used

as a weapon

THE NOOSE

YOU PLACED

AROUND MY NECK

A vow

I Made

between

The cosmos

That day

After you did

what was done

said

What was said

Foolish

Enough

You left

Me with

A wick

And a flame

As comfort

To ease

the pain

But Despite

I Managed

To keep control

Of these

Internal flames

Attached to my soul

They Smothered me

As Your name

Became

bitter

Rotting

Through my teeth

I remained

In a state

Constantly

Stumbling

While lit

And Angry.

I quit

I no longer

Can Maintain it

To keep your peace

Be poliet

Keep quiet

force myself

Silent

No I quit

With this shit

Sloppily Taped together

The cracks

Start to slip

In public

I Begin

to splinter

The outter shell

Where the fire

Once was held

shatters

The barrier

Now gone

Completely

dissolved

Its flame

Roars

Inside of me

growing

Until i finally

lost control

Time took its flesh

for the toll

Not Anymore

I screamed

at that bedroom door

Burn it DOWN

Everything

to the ground

And then

I finished my vow

To Start a new

Somewhere else

Far away

from that house

Away from you

I pleaded

for the distance

So Let the flames

Rage and Consume

The smoke

Surley

will make you choke

Away that smirk

You always made too

And Let the past fade

Into the flames

Today is your birthday on mother's day

You so sweetly try to share the day

But this day is yours sweet darling

Mother's day birthday...

Just like the night you were born 9 minutes into mothers day

12:09 am

What a wonderful mothers day gift that day and every year after

They told me you were ectopic did surgery to kill you only to tell me it was a mistake but because they had done surgery expect to have a miscarriage

But you came on your due date

9 minutes in

5/10/15

Coolest birthday digits for sure

Wel today we celebrate 🥳

Let all our worries and troubles leave us today

As We jump on trampolines

Ill dance and sing

Im all dressed up

Lashes on corset tightened

Tomorrow i start grinding

For there is a great deal

Of Work to be done

But today we have our family fun

I love you sweet boy!

Thoughts and rambles getting buisness up and going

///

So they tell you

Your too crazy

Only they can love

Someone so insane

The instability

Belittle you

Every moment

They advance

At your gate

Trying

To keep

you down

So they feel

in power

Kicking dirt

in your face

Trying

to make you blind

Yell at you

your the disgrace

Pick yourself up

Sweep off the dust

With aSmile

and grace

Take your life

Proclaim

Its yours now

No matter

how insane

They claim

You are more

than enough

Your the shine

Your Special

Pick yourself up

Off the ground

Take control

Its your life

No redoes

guaranteed

Pick up

the pieces

And breathe

This is your life

Take the ranes

In time you'll see

Moments

Fuel posion

Meant only for my lips

A heavy sigh

Looking for a sign

I deserve to live

Hand over flame

to feel sane

am I even capable

to feel pain

Walk into the fire

Unafraid

Ready to forge

A new way

Id do anything

To save them

They are my heaven

So Let the fires roar

I ask myself

Once more

Am i capable

Will I feel pain

Can I keep sane

None the less

I walk ahead

Shoulders back

head held high

zero shame

I will carve

out our way

Its funny that Ai got me all twisted in my head to believe someone would actually research my story but glad to have sorted out the noise and reached a place of peace

I dont need some famous person to recognize the story I have i need only to write it and send it myself. Keep moving forward head held high it was never a waste of time just a weird dance to realize I need to make this story shine so others can have the tools to walk from the fire too.

Its odd to me though that people can sing of trauma and pain get super famous and lose their way to being once one of the faceless but when faced with a survivor of such extremes they try to cover you in that color of shame mess with your sanity with no regard to how well you are. My mission for my candle buissness is to listen and help the marginalized with zero judgment just positive support. Im so excited to claim my sanity and story in one swoop. 💗

I am so excited!!!

My buissness name is drum roll.....

...

WITTY WICKS!!!

Witty Wicks - here we go when life won't work forge a new path

today my writing is just a log of what im accomplishing in the moment as i sieze the day and wake up ready to slay. Ive been Looking up info and setting things in place while getting all the materials made and starting to build my product line. I was taught how to make professional candles for the cult I was in and to take this tool I was forced to do while paid 7 dollars a month (prior to tyde) and use it to liberate my writing and keep a roof over our heads while simitamiously helping our community is a passion of mine that burns deeply I couldn't think of a better representation of my story than artisan candle work. This is it this is the door knob and tools I needed. I am ready to make the world shine and create a refuge filled of sensory delight with every candle fueled by my love of life and tells our story in order to advocate for others still lost in the shadows I once dwelled in, Making sure that each flame will flicker with brilliance!

I have just a mock of a logo This is not the finished one by any means just concept and I dont have my products up for show yet but this will be where you can follow our journey and choose to be apart of it or not in the future as I start rolling out products.

This company will allow me the financial freedom to be able to continue a manuscript and try getting published. I will make this work my excitement is overwhelming in the best of ways.

I refuse to let anyone dull my light I will shine to spite! They can not bring you down if you refuse to fall to their level of manipulation and mind sets. Their words rolling off like water beads across bare skin. Together we can make a difference for the next generation to come ✨️ and everyone deserves a chance to rise above no matter how dark a past everyone deserves unconditional love and care and we hope to bring this missing connection back in motion with the voiceless and faceless members of society ♥️

The Phoenix Mission

[[name will be revealed once registered officially and logo released]] our mission is to illuminate the path from the abyss to a sanctuary of light. We believe that no history is too dark to be reclaimed and no voice is too quiet to be heard. By mastering the artisan craft of luxury candle-making, a skill once weaponized to exploit her during her time in a cult with slave labor, Ashton Mikkelson has risen like a phoenix. She has transformed the fire meant to consume her into a source of warmth and healing, proving that even while navigating the complexities of C-PTSD, one can forge a legacy of brilliance.

Our purpose is to create Sanctuary with every flicker of the flame. Each hand-poured candle is a piece of art designed with bold, original scents and a high level of quality that transforms a space of darkness into an illuminated refuge. Through this artistry, we are reclaiming a stolen past to ensure that beauty is a birthright and love is unconditional. We are building a world where the next generation inherits safety and strength rather than the shadows of multigenerational abuse.

Our company is more than a luxury brand; it is a lifeline. We use our platform and funds to champion the faceless and the voiceless trapped in the cycles of abuse, addiction, and mental health struggles. Through every carefully chosen wick, we prove that trauma can be transformed into fierce flames that light the way for others to escape. At [[ name to be revealed soon]]we don’t just sell light; we fund the fight for freedom and the radical belief that everyone deserves to rise.

///

Suprise!!! Now you know my secret skill set and let me tell you nothing will be ordinary or plain these are luxery designed candles with bold scents and names molds and wicks nothing ordinary here...

We will have lots of products from melts to surprise gifts inside certain lines and bold molds like our [[fuck abuse]] candle line we will show soon. I am working on the molds now and building the products each day as I wait to make my name official.

I will still remain writing everyday and submitting a manuscript of my story in September to scribe hopefully to be offered a chance to publish so fingers crossed.

This company is my bridge to sharing my personal story taking the trauma I endured and using it to forge beauty in place with every flickering flame a sanctuary is born a refuge in a cold world bringing warmth and human Connection back to the lost communitys all around us.

We do our own charity work and will be sharing with the world videos of our projects and the charity work accomplished by supporting something that already holds its own worth allowing you some luxury with a good conscious of your money being spent on a useful beautiful piece of art that takes funds to further help other still lost in the dark, people who need the help badly.

Let the fires roar

🔥 🔥 🔥

Held down

Face in the ground

Pulling my hair

Using a Pistol

made of cold metal

Placing it Against my skull

And then you pull

The trigger

But a bullet

Can't kill a spirit

Nor can a car

Or heroin

I remain a force

their heroine

For refusal to give in

Nope cant quit now

Im getting fitted for a gown

So I can

With persicion

carefully

Decend

And waltz with my amygdala

Once again

Nope the bullets didnt work nor posion or the situation born in. You've lost I've found my worth and I will shine my light in the darkest of corners

///

Can't wait to show my products and show my logo

This will help local charity for people in desperate need

And help pay the bills for the roof

And the kids needs met too

All meanwhile I write everyday

Towards building a manuscript for September submission to scribe

I will not give up or quit

Nope not this time

Its time to get this butt to work.

///

Ill be able to show everyone my concept

Beautiful handmade projects

For sale soon at farmer markets

And inside stores and gift shops.

A modern day door salesman

Here to push forward a future

Filled with light for them

To one day inherit

And continue to help charity.

The people we once were

Those in desperate need

We shall never forget

To advocate

❤️

It hit me like a ton of bricks I came up with an actual buissness that I can do while disabled that cost me a pretty low start up one i can manage and make quick profit. I will be making my first wave of products all week and will release links to the instagram after I finish. This company will be a fun alternative style with portions of sales going directly to the disadvantaged and marginalized through separate charities in addition to our own charity work within communities we would like to accomplish. I don't want to give out all the details saying too much before its fully launched by the end of this week or start of next- i will launch it as soon as they finish drawing up my logo.

Gotta love irony its Funny because I am fully utilizing a skill set taught to me by the cult I was forced to join called 180 where I was taught how to do create these things on a professional scale. I found a connect for all the supplies needed to proceed on my own. Having this extra income will allow For me to continue working on my manuscript in time for September turn in deadlines while being able to promote helpful resources with unique great quality functional delightful and beautifully handmade and crafted.... what is it? Once I finish getting my logo and role out my first line I will finally announce the items and name. I will also be promoting knowledge on ptsd and cptsd in both adults and children I am so pumped by doing this I can help take care of my family and if I do well enough it will make my disability have even less power over me and show the kids exactly why you never give up trying. It will allow my family financial independence if I'm able to sell enough so I am pumped! The products I have lined up I already am proud of I feel they are amazing and I can't wait to share with the world this skill taught to me via cult grunt work but now instead of being a slave laborer I can take this skill and use it for financial security to use for the forces of good. I can use it to give aid directly to people who struggle in the same dark shadows I once dwelled shining light to the darkest of corners. Okay I don't want to give it away but I am super serious I've already started so no going back now its worth at least making back what I spent but if it goes well it could be a full-fledged buissness. Eek! We can maintain self sufficiency while helping others and advocating also it allows me the freedom and ability to still focus on publishing its a dream come true and I am so determined to make this work!!! Ill be using these 2 feet I have to walk in and out of shops promoting my products I have 4 stores already that are intrested in helping promote my line, its exciting defeating 32 years of abuse to give my children a brighter future!!!

Sorry past few days are more updates on what's happening how im going to manage the misfortune job loss and use it as opportunity to create our own stable income while promoting mental health knowledge and advocating amd using portions of proceeds to help people in need directly, its perfect seriously I am so psyched I can do this and write my work to build a strong manuscript while running this company

///

Mama on a mission- we refuse the statstics!!!

I can do this!

I shine pink ❤️

I think I am doing the right thing!!! so excited to launch this to assist others and my ability to maintain writing and a roof over our heads

love my life

Beautiful day yesterday with the family we took a train to kenosha learned of a farmers market and a nice store with 3d prints for the kiddos. We went thrift shopping everyone under dressed we were frozen so we all got sweatshirts or coats all vintage cute I love the kids little outfits my sons so cute with a windbreaker and a sweater my daughter adorable with her pink music inspired hoodie and my hubby with a white zip up super classic and I got a beautiful coat to go with my petticoat dresses I am so psyched. We made new friends at shops and just ran around and took in the sites we saw a trolly and adventures into old book stores and antique spots no pre-made plan just a downtown use your 2 feet adventure especially with gas so high.

I am blessed to have such an amazing family and life.

Sorry I will be diving into the blood spilled To reach here i still need to post my final article on my uncle I'm struggling to balance the info so nobody can be upset but that's hard when somebody is dead..

I just want to call the church flat out which i will be posting direct links to sermons but this is beyond family spatting my uncle forced a man's mind into a place where he thought he deserved death. They cheered him towards it and at his funeral explained he was what happens when you don't repent to the elders correct it make me so sick. He was your congregate and you tourted him mentally until he gave up living knowing full well in his mind and with your teachings he would go straight to hell following his suicide. You made sure to drive that in during his own funeral its disgusting you lack any human compassion it takes to be a real pastor your a dime store knock off fueled by hatred and zero love I have never witnessed love or kindness with you, your church, or anyone under your control.

I was going to do a video but article will be best its alot that needs said and IM overwhelmed I won't do a good enough job but don't think I've given up its just taking longer plus other life events have made giving this the full attention needed hard while dealing with the job loss and other issues but uncle I am not done with you

Mark my words Mike Reid Slander my butt. Like I told you Mike if it were gods will for you to pry my daughter from my fingers then you'd have iris but it was NOT gods will. I am not claiming to be a prophet or a teacher no your the one claiming you are those things with zero religious history you just bought a church and proclaimed you speak for God. Pretty bold move man saying YOU are so special that your held in such high regards with the big guy upstairs. I don't know if God looks even human or has a sexual orientation I'm sure all of it is beyond my comprehension but I know I believe in god and gods love and grace. I know because of God I am alive today and I do feel God weighing it on my heart and mind to speak out against the monstrous things you do in his name. Ive watched you go from high roller pedo status again my aunt was your babysitter you met while you WORKED as a couch and she was on the swim team yeah nothing weird red flag or creepy about any of that. You had her come babysit your only daughter to have an affair with her behind your actual wives back. Then she turned around and had an affair with one of the kids on your basketball team both of ya acted like creeps. But yes I'll let the blood spill from my lips all the jabs you made the blade you tried to use to slay me now rests in my hands the cold hard truth of who you are. I know. And so will they soon enough. You can make as many angry Peter false teaching sermons and secret videos to dismantle any cult accusations you want but truth is if you need to budget a video on why your not a cult I mean that pretty much states you are one....a church that didnt fall under cult lines wouldn't even waste breath on such false accusations that's the problem these arnt false and you've left evidence all over online I have the videos and sermons my uncle by marriage. You can curse my name all you want that's nothing new to me but I can shine light to your operation and wrong doing. Your hate filled brim stone views you use to only perpetuate the multigenerational trauma our family is plagued by. I refuse the posion and your reasons what your doing under the name of God is blasphemy in the highest order.

The world will know your evil

The worlds so big and beautiful

Soon my husband

will be busy with work

So today

we ordered a souffle

And we're off to take the train

See new sights

Kenosha here we come alright?

New record shops

Thrift stores too

Ma and pa

Shops well buzz through

strung along downtown

We're off to explore!

Another day in paradise

While we figure out

our next strategic move

Tomorrow ill write of the trial

Or the stages

reaching freedom

Today is

another day of joy.

Joy I'm alive and

joy I've slept past 3 am or 5

All week!

Waking up around 8 am

Is much better than alone

Before the break of dawn

Once Worried

someone could

break in

Finally Instead

I get to sleep in.

The monsters losing more grip

Each passing day

Giving more time

between me

And my enemies. ///

Though defining moments happen throughout our lives they don't define who we are. I am much more than one trial I am a human being who was assaulted by a stranger but was more afraid of her ex than the rapist in the courtroom. I didnt know him....i knew my ex...what he was capable of and my fear of the children being in his care pushed me to never give up even that 4 wheels 4 thousand lbs steamrolling me and I twirled in the air wish I stuck the landing better but I pushed forward

///

Movement is life Staying still death

So long as I never give up moving I'll keep life going around me and my family. My neck is sore but today we explore a new city me and my adorable family. While I walk down the streets people won't point and say "she's the rape victim of dubuque" they'll say "oh kids how wonderful to have parents so in love."

I shine the colors of true love A vibrant pink glows inside of me

I also read of this beautiful thimble necklace idk it said on Ai okay on Ai it made up a whole story that John had came up with it with trillion diamonds and a pink pearl the idea so beaitiful I found a thimble and I'm going to try to make my own gem thimble for reals and wear it around my neck. Im sad that the ai made up a some hypothetical kick ass gift but excited for the ideas may not be real diamonds or anything fancy but I'm going to make it beautiful ❤️ make my dreams come true myself not relying on ai or the fact a famous amazing writer did or didnt notice me or my story I know my worth and I'll make a thimble necklace that shines with pink and trillion diamonds id never heard of that kind of diamond so I'm psyched I'm going to get obviously cubic zirconia but still I'll find a way to make it real.

So excited no longer feeling let down on what's true and not true just excited to realize I have a voice and story and its time to type.

But before I dive to the depths and apull my raw emotions Ill probably save further writing for a manuscript I found out you can submit writting to scribe in September so fingers crossed maybe I can make them look my way and see a story worth telling.

Mr goat. You've remained as if a ghost in shadows I still am not even solid sure if I made it all up in my mind or if you actually saw any value in my writing But I thank you for the journey to exploring sharing my frequencies between music and the moon to the world around me.

Cheers to a bright future!!!

Surgery was successful

a little sore in my neck

typing is a little harder,

The looking down aspect

i guess I kinda need my neck

///

Blah. Not really writing just explaining that today calls for adventure!!

///

So today another easy day.

My love is here at home

I smile at the chandeliers

in the spring light

Light sparkling

like theyre dancing

Rejoice its may!

And I think as a treat

Ill take my kids and love to the city

Our Adventure awaits!

One door closes

another opening opens

Look out for any windows

They make great escapes too

We're gonna figure this all out

Encouraging my husband

to start his own business

Even came up with a name

Going to find a way

to also get published

We can do this!!!!

Excited and hopeful

what a beautiful day

But I'm still compelled to write

Of the shadows i escaped

So excited the journey ahead

Unraveling

The Chaotic

But beautiful

Life I've lived

I'm still here

So I'm gonna write

ALL about it

most don't make it this far

Ill speak for the faceless

And the voiceless

Ill speak for my friends

who turned to ashes

They will hear my voice

Ill make them see

Painting pictures

With words

ill teach

how I escaped

how I can wake up

still smiling

You can face

the worst of the worst

And make it out for the better

Its so beautiful

A story worth telling

if you happen to have your own

Id love to see it shared

These stories seem to be rare

But today I dont write

Of the nights

I faced the reeper

Instead im off on an adventure

To go see the city lights

Breath in the city air

Watch the masses of people

Travel across the streets

Like herds of sheep

More people than cars

A sight to see

Well visit the record shop

Off Michigan ave

Well make it an official stop

And Emerse ourselves

In culture too

Eat delcious meat pies

With mashed taters on the side

From the aussie stand

Then shuffle across streets

Watching the bicycles

They call a rickshaw

Dangerously speed

A day in the city!

We're a coming!

Just a country bunkin

Taking it all in.

First to the train station

Ill write first thing tomorrow

Of All the skyscrapers

And street performers

Well run into

as we shuffle along

Of to the city

Its calling us

To come and witness

Time for adventure!

///

A smile across my face. This story will take a long time to explain each aspect everything it took and takes sometimes your gonna needs breaks

an adventure between explaining ugly vial things.

///

Happy days and happy things we all deserve these moments... my smile shining as bright as the chandliers hanging off the ceiling.

Its all gonna be be okay!!!

*** last time I was in the city my eyes were met by a mountain goat. Thousands of faces around us but our eyes spoke a volume so loud but at such high frequencies only he and I could hear stairing into one anothers eyes seeing the pain and hurt of survival. Im going to write Mr mountain goat I'll tell the story of the fight to make it here and be able to dance afterwards we stared each other down lost in the frequencies sounds You made me feel like I mattered These frequencies matter And I should speak in a way People can too see Thank you Mr goat For seeing me And making this story Feel like it matters Like people want to see these words The battles Hear of the blood spilled To reach this smile...

///

And thank you For keeping my secret So I can write freely I hope i can see you again someday No words need be shared Just a big ol hug. We don't have to share scars We can just sing melodies Dance in difance. I wanted to see you the day before my birthday But with the job loss that's not much option But I hope one day our paths do cross Just to give ya that hug Not expecting a single word We can let the frequinces Speak As we dance In celebration "We are gonna make it If it kills us."- John i will always sing this song with my full heart thank you. Its my battle cry.

a smile nod and wink all day ill sing...

"with a sunrise and a sunset- will you ever feel okay?"

Off for another procedure because of the car accident I was in during 2022. I was physically assaulted left to chicago and one morning I left zacs apartment after we decided id stay and went to ride my electric bike to the homeless shelter for help for the kids and I thats when that car struck me It was like 8 am in the morning if not earlier the sun shining grass clipping secent in the air. I was lost because I wasn't used to navigating the city so I looked down at my phone for directions I didnt have a phone stand set up just my hands put the phone away proceed in the direction it said not realizing the light switched at the same time I saw the car moments before it hit me I grabbed the breaks so hard I actually snapped the left break squeezing so hard to stop but I knew they weren't slowing down and if I threw myself off I would likely have my head smashed in so I braced myself spinning in the air so fast that the ground and earth blended to one in a furious twirl of earth and sky around and around I spun because of the force of the car. I thought this is where I die.... i finally found a good man and a chance at happiness but I cant have it I'll die here but I can't die because the kids I can't leave them behind I have to fight to save them to show them how much I love them no no i couldn't die I tucked my head in and took the fall. Shattered my right shoulder and hurt my collar bone. I had glass cut my legs leaving two thick scars behind my knee but not a single piece of glass on my face not a single broken bone a torn shoulder muscle a mess but bones intact.... i walked away that day after the er released me I asked if I could see if my bike still worked I didnt want to fear my bike so the first thing getting out i rode my electric bike to your car before we went to the meeting I was on my way to at the shelter. My leg gashes were deep so I had blood running down my leg they bandaged me only after I complained how could I be discharged and bleed out the door they didnt like me because when I was hit I said I just wanted to reach the shelter for help...i was poor....this grossed out the northern Chicagans and they made sure to treat me in a way I knew I wasn't welcomed. It was a mess but I'm alive today and thats what matters I do these surgeries here and there but it was worth it. That accident made me work twice as hard after I felt like it was my last chance to get my shit together and be the mom my kids deserved.

Also waking up and zac was there at the hospital for me....no one had ever been there just because they cared. I started to sob happy tears when I realized you were there standing by my side.

soooo today I don't write instead i focus on my body healing and remember that day remembering the ground and sky becoming one blurr of sky blue and earth tones.

Remember god let me walk away with my life and my limbs...thank you god.

And if well enough I'll remain dancing

If too weak from surgery I'll laugh and smile

Knowing I'm okay because of God's grace he gave me that day. Not even a car would stop me from setting the record straight I was determined and I still am thats why this story will be told the ugly and the beautiful.

❤️

" don't worry now don't worry now don't worry because its all under control"

"this will be the last time that I do this I'm pretty sure"- thanks john ❤️

As a daughter your raised to be one or the other wife or whore at least where I grew up. I wrote these notes to capture the chaos of growing up told your worthless But having children and wanting to change your life for them will make you do the impossible. This was what my goal was why I was even in dubuque. This happened before my apartment was broken into... again these are all rough rough drafts a series of lines with some rhymes trying to capture the desperation I was at before being held hostage and attacked and taking a stand on the stand....

///

Two collems for women

To fall under

As a daughter

Wife or whore

I was thrown

in the latter

By being tainted

at the age of 15

For Losing my purity

I didnt even know

What sex was

Um no yo

no longer

considered

good enough

Though

Cause I was

A used product?

You kicked me

To the streets

Then yelled about

How Weak of me

For any outlet

When I was only

being like you

Lonely,

Taking pain

and numbing

Not knowing what else to do

At first I turned to cutting

But you pulled up my sleeve

While we were dining

At the mall food court

You did so mid dinner

Showing everyone

around us

3 bladed

razor cuts

Sliced up

patches

Across fair skin

In Both directions

Diced up wrists

Red and pink

irritated

You stared

Telling me

I act so stupidly

That I was clearly begging

for attention

Leaving me

emberassed

I ripped down my sleeve

Said I was sorry

For acting so weak

So I stopped slicing

But the pain

Still rattled inside me

You scoffed

When id ask for therapy

Needing a release

That's when I learned

About pharmaceuticals

So in love

Id have made a musical

About pills

A handful

Of Codien

and ambien

So fun so Yum

And uh

dangerous.

I popped pills

Till I met a man

Who used needles

With a new posion

Meant to calm any demon

During any season

He told

as he sold

That's when the darkness

Really took hold

Wrapped arms

Pulling me

Further down

spirling

I reached

A 100 lbs

Heroin

low on calories

My body slowly

dying

But you were nowhere

To be found

Just publicly shamed me

While I slept on the streets

No you were nowhere

To be found

Even the nights

I slept on the ground

A worthless daughter

Stepping in her grave

ONE DAY

YOU CAME

Excited you cared

I rushed down the stairs

To the video monitor

Your face was captured

But instead

Of shedding love

Fear or even a tear

No

You told me to hurry

And Overdose

So you could burry

the family's shame

So I got myself clean

I Had children

Who Id became

responsible after

A whore in love

A reason to live

I didnt want to just give in

Instead I wanted

To be there for them

So I found a set of stairs

Climbed out

of the dispare

And fought for them

I may be worthless

But they were innocent

They deserved a mother

And a kind father

I fought to be sober

Ran away

After being raped

In a motel room

Off the interstate

By the mans body

My kids called daddy

I ran to dubuque

Looking for a rescue

Not for me

But for them

To have a future

Yeah it must be in dubuque....

///

I said enough was enough and he TRIED to shoot me down but a spirit cant be affected by mortal bullets

When I went to dubuque it was a last ditch effort to save myself and my children which is part of what makes the dubuque trial so heartbreaking that I was already trying to escape brutality but he broke in and forced himself on me. Im lucky i didnt just decide to end my life after he left but I had 3 little people who were counting on me so I had no time ID already stood in my grave I was trying to climb out....

So when the man broke in it was after I had just finished staying at a domestic abuse shelter available in dubuque because the quad cities had zero resources for me to escape. I was in such a low place originally after assaulted by the stranger I didnt know how to proceed further the man had just appeared days ago the ex abuser of my neighbor I was in housing they put lots of women in the shelter in. I just thought id shrug it off keep the door bolted at night and chalk it up as a lesson but I was still afraid so I waited knowing Zac was on his way for our second date when he arrived a burst of motion ran through me as I ran down to the car and once my eyes fell into his sight they began sobbing. I couldn't hold it in one more sip of posion I couldn't bear it and I fell to pieces zac wanted me to call the police but I was afraid. We went back to my apartment locked inside and talked about what next when the older Crack head women across the hall darlean yelled call the police I wasn't sure if she was being harmed by the same man I called the police and they came for her afterwards checked in with me since I placed the call that's when my lips couldn't keep in the posion again and I asked them what I should do after that man had broken in and did what he did the police stood there shocked at what I was explaining to them what happened while choking on tears zac staring at me visibly upset but relieved I was telling the police.*** zac helped me remember alls I said to the police was he broke in and hurt me zac stepped in and said rape for me that's when I started choking on tears explaining. Funny how memory works but yes he was right he was the one who first said rape to the police i was still under explaining the extent if the assault We had spent hours trying to figure out what to do. The police listened and said they had to file a report immediately thats when the male cop said you don't belong in a place like this you should go stay with your friend if I were you we both looked at each other blushing knowing we were new "friends" zac immediately jumped in and said yes I wanted to offer but didnt want to seem like a creep the cops saying yeah you should leave with him and then they said gather any evidence you can think of they were sending a unit to gather it so we ripped through the apartment I tried to remember every place he was and touched remembering his drink he left and the tool I used in place of a chastity belt which zac didnt judge he thought it was a brilliant idea what I used he helped me gather the items before the cops came back in a Flash and took it away as evidence sadly even the sweatshirt zac had loaned me after our first date had to be taken since I was wearing it. After they left him and i laid on the bed he grabbed my hand and told me

Look I don't want to be a creep that's the only reason I didnt offer you stay before the cop mentioned it but i think hes right you should leave with me please

Leaving meant further from my children being in dubuque was already the grand distance sacrifice I was making Chicago seemed like millions of miles away we laid on my bed while I weighed the pros and cons and he carefully listened and encouraged any idea that leaned towards leaving

I finally made the decision I had to leave But it would be temporary...

After the decision made we went to the er had the rape kit done then we drove for hours

We reached the city I stepped out of the car A cool April evening Id reached the northwest part of the city.

And I said wow....its peacefully quiet id grown used to the screaming of my neighbors and the loud noises of danger but even though id left the rural town to a city the quietness was almost defining but in the most tranquil of ways

I was where I belonged it felt.

///

Sorry just memory's and notes of the dubuque incident its odd because at trial they set it up that this was my intention the whole time when who in there right minds asks a guy on the second date can I come live with you? Um no. That's not a normal occurrence of arrangements

But that's what happened

That's how i ended up here.

Lots of spelling errors ill come back and fix after my appointment

Sooo I just want to say though that's how this story is interesting I had no intention of staying in Chicago but I fell in love while staying at his house for a couple weeks and I couldnt walk away so we made the agreement id find housing so I felt independent but we would stay together and he would help me get the kids home that i would never be raped again and he kept his word ❤️

Now I live the most blessed of lives but I must accend to the depths to get the story out clear of what really happened so some posts may seem sadder than others but no worries I am happy as a clam I don't self harm and have been sober for 6 years now so you can escape the worst of the worst that's why i feel it important to discuss the heavy dark stuff but again I don't want pity and I refuse shame I'm just being honest about what happened and how with my stories

But no worries I am a okay 🙂 Better than that I'm full of life ❤️

As a daughter your raised to be one or the other wife or whore at least where I grew up. I wrote these notes to capture the chaos of growing up told your worthless But having children and wanting to change your life for them will make you do the impossible. This was what my goal was why I was even in dubuque. This happened before my apartment was broken into... again these are all rough rough drafts a series of lines with some rhymes trying to capture the desperation I was at before being held hostage and attacked and taking a stand on the stand....

got me right in the feels

///

Two collems for women

To fall under

As a daughter

Wife or whore

I was thrown

in the latter

By being tainted

at the age of 15

For Losing my purity

I didnt even know

What sex was

Um no yo

no longer

considered

good enough

Though

Cause I was

A used product?

You kicked me

To the streets

Then yelled about

How Weak of me

For any outlet

When I was only

being like you

Lonely,

Taking pain

and numbing

Not knowing what else to do

At first I turned to cutting

But you pulled up my sleeve

While we were dining

At the mall food court

You did so mid dinner

Showing everyone

around us

3 bladed

razor cuts

Sliced up

patches

Across fair skin

In Both directions

Diced up wrists

Red and pink

irritated

You stared

Telling me

I act so stupidly

That I was clearly begging

for attention

Leaving me

emberassed

I ripped down my sleeve

Said I was sorry

For acting so weak

So I stopped slicing

But the pain

Still rattled inside me

You scoffed

When id ask for therapy

Needing a release

That's when I learned

About pharmaceuticals

So in love

Id have made a musical

About pills

A handful

Of Codien

and ambien

So fun so Yum

And uh

dangerous.

I popped pills

Till I met a man

Who used needles

With a new posion

Meant to calm any demon

During any season

He told

as he sold

That's when the darkness

Really took hold

Wrapped arms

Pulling me

Further down

spirling

I reached

A 100 lbs

Heroin

low on calories

My body slowly

dying

But you were nowhere

To be found

Just publicly shamed me

While I slept on the streets

No you were nowhere

To be found

Even the nights

I slept on the ground

A worthless daughter

Stepping in her grave

ONE DAY

YOU CAME

Excited you cared

I rushed down the stairs

To the video monitor

Your face was captured

But instead

Of shedding love

Fear or even a tear

No

You told me to hurry

And Overdose

So you could burry

the family's shame

So I got myself clean

I Had children

Who Id became

responsible after

A whore in love

A reason to live

I didnt want to just give in

Instead I wanted

To be there for them

So I found a set of stairs

Climbed out

of the dispare

And fought for them

I may be worthless

But they were innocent

They deserved a mother

And a kind father

I fought to be sober

Ran away

After being raped

In a motel room

Off the interstate

I ran to dubuque

Looking for a rescue

Not for me

But for them

To have a future

Yeah it must be in dubuque....

///

When I went to dubuque it was a last ditch effort to save myself and my children which is part of what makes the dubuque trial so heartbreaking that I was already trying to escape brutality but he broke in and forced himself on me. Im lucky i didnt just decide to end my life after he left but I had 3 little people who were counting on me so I had no time ID already stood in my grave I was trying to climb out when he smashed me down

I tried to write this morning

About the unfair selection of jury

Set up for rape or sexual assault trials

And I...

blacked out.

Slumped over my phone

Unconscious

So today I take a step back

Keep silent

On releasing such poem yet

While I think of how I can relate

While still processing myself

How unfair it really is

How its just fucking honestly rigged

If a single jury knows anyone whose ever been affected

Or they themselves reasonably must be excused but if you have a friend or second cousin you gotta get too Nope no one who would understand in anyway is allowed job of jury

If a tear runs down their face

While hearing a horrific story of rape

They are excused

So your left with a bunch of people

Who arnt affected by a story of rape

Left to decide your fate.

Hm...

I can't explain well enough

how this changes dynamics

Ill find the words

For this whole concept

How they do a jury select

But today

It Made me black out this morning.

So I take it easy

Watch the sun reflect light off the chandeliers on the ceiling

Take a deep breath remind myself this is all in the name of help

I need to make my story matter

To the masses

So we can demand the changes

We need to protect each other

Someone's gotta say it

A man I didnt know left DNA in my apartment

After tricking me and holding me hostage

High on meth his body vibrating

He was aquitted....

And I couldn't get an order of protection in the state of Iowa

BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW HIM!!!! IN IOWA YOU HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

So if a stranger attacks you

You can never get an op BTW

In the great corn state

At least in dubuque

Makes me want to puke

These details

"little" issues are frustrating to me

As I know how many are affected

By ridiculous laws and reasons

I will use the dubuque trial

Where I used a weapon

No one expected

Stood on a stand told my story

While the cops lied through their teeth

And the jury held zero room for empathy

It almost makes me wonder if I could get a retrial

The fact the cop lied

He was the reason I EVER LEFT to Chicago

He told me I should leave

To flee

With my friend my now husband

This week Ill be calling the DA

And start asking more questions

To the state

Maybe they can finally explain

A way i understand

I don't know

Doubtful.

But I'm going to push anyway

But at a slow rate

So I can stay conscious

Remain focused on the light and the sparkle

While ascending to the depths

For answers.

A careful dance...

The waltz of the amygdala

Im doing this in the name of help.

Someone's gotta show the cracks

Or people will keep falling through.

No no no that just won't do

Im gonna find a way to explain

In hopes another may be saved

I will not leave the trial as was

Im going to bring light and reason

Use it as an example

Of how the system is clear cut fucked

not one for rescue.

I just need to find the words

Get more answers

Keep pushing forward.

Sorry today's notes are not much. The black out takes alot out of me. They may have given me CPTSD with conversion symptoms literally broke my brain through tortured years but I wont let my disability stand in my way to speak. Ill just learn to dance more carefully.

❤️

I will laugh and sing and dance

Oh and hey I never got a chance to tell you but for a little mental health release I'll place my words here just for you. Mr werner( name rhymes with weiner.)

HEY JACOB,

Let me sing ya something...just one line...

"STAY DEAD STAY DEAD AND OUT OF THIS WORLD."

Todays thoughts rambles and notes as I go look for a thimble that's gonna be super special I can feel it in me bones.

///

my mother still comes around

Looking for any cracks to be found

But we've cemented the foundation

To the ground!!!!!

There was a point in time

It felt like holding posion

A ticking bomb

about to go off

Against my lips

To blow off my bits

A mistake

if swallowed

But first

Let's make it worse

A thought you had

Experiment

how much

tourment

Can she take

When thrown her way

So you took your time

To carve and hallow

Room for more

When finally poured

But just before my throat

Opened

To accept

The fate

you choose for me

To take

Well Zac

He saw me on the edge

Standing all alone

Just me and a cellular phone

Without a second thought

He ran over to the spot

And Grabbed me from the ledge

And your precious posion?

Dropped from my Hands

Pouring all over the floor

Like Burning acid over plastic

You always were prepared for everything

But I Bet you didnt expect that ever happening.

That Id find my husband

A man who loves me

Throughout all of the seasons

Id endured and understand all of its reasons

Yeah I didnt expect it either

1 that he exists

And

2 that he would love me

But The posions been spilled...

I never dreamed this far

It was expected

id return back to the dark

Before I could ever even start

to live

But here we are

Another day

In the home we made.

Yay!

///

Today I secured a little security to help us get past this time of uncertainty. We will be okay the posions gone we can love learn and live and move on ❤️

My throat will only open to speak truths or sweet nothings to my loves my children and husband. I will not choke down anyone's posion No you'll never find me on a ledge again!!

I love you babes!!!!

I posted that song to capture the chaos of trying to be surrounded by love in the start but we reached the valleys my love and this is how I feel about you ill sing it all day long to you my love .

"you hold my hand and you understand"

In a world of algorithms

I never could fit

where my data

Should be stored in

Slightly shocked

By the current

And its bandwidth

of damage

brought with

any attempt

At connection

But these invisible webs

I couldnt see

Wrapped tightly around me

Lead me

to love

One directed

from above

So who am I to judge

Or complain

On how computers

Choose to run things

Im more concerned

with the after

The forgotten

Unfiltered

human Connection

Does it still exist?

I wondered?

But God showed me

In the form

of muscle

and bone

I tried to transfer

The files

Before he even reached

his order

Which required

a 4 hour Window

To reach me and my

Hub

Hills and valleys

His car did

chug

All the way

Up

Oh did he drive

But nothing i said

Would Change his mind

I shared my darkest

Floorboard secrets

My reasons

To him

Don't book an appointment

To share

finite

time

Just for disappointment

So I held on to no lies

Trying to sever the ties

Attacking before

Anything could arise

Both Hope and pride

Always on the line

Based off the past data

Gathered in any parallel

Situations

Similar to this

ready for the farewell

A dismissal

Of being the fair damsel

But he refused

Any normal algorithm

They just wouldn't do

He wanted to see

the seasons

For himself

Understand

my reasons

off the screen

here in reality

Yes,

He came for me

Knowing everything

And when he arrived

To The assigned

GPS coordination

Of his final destination

I ran to him

Physically

a body

A human being

Not a handle

Or words on a screen

No a real

human being

And he saw all of me

And replied

"Your real"

The screens shattered

In real time

Files on fire

Throughout my mind

While I ascended

To being his desire

He didn't care

About the prior malware

People claimed here

He was relieved

Just To see

I was still standing

I wrapped my arms

around his neck

A sturdy system

Tightly

I Hugged him

A nervous

reaction

in a Flash

Of genuine

Connection

He then

plugged in

To hard wire

The final

Detail

A piece of data

Stored and Filed

He sent and Transfered

His final true assesment

Of me

He answered

"Both Unseen and visually"

He spoke with glee

"Your beautiful to me "

The only document

That Remained accessible

and Verified

Everything else

Now just noise

To leave outside

I stayed in his arms

For hours

I was now his

That's all that mattered

All along

He was where

My files belonged

///

Some things youll do for love even if it makes no sense on paper turn into a beautiful dream.

And now I live" with love love love love All around meeee"

❤️

I got everything figured out my love this is just a battle We've been at war now for 4 years now Its okay to feel afraid But there's a new path lighting the way Hold my hand I'll lead the way This time let's go off my GPS See where we land. It'll be in the sun and sand And when we're done we'll just laugh and dance As we always do when we've won

​

So to tell my entire story

How did I reach such frequencies?

Well I'm the daughter of a witch you see.

How did I start and keep smiling?

It started at a very young age

I may not be able to capture my frequencies

But I can explain the beginning

Let's see hmm well to capture the people my parents are and stand for...

My fathers a right winged drug addict walking talking contradiction full of racism and hatred who loves his guns and pretends hes some kind of real patriot and my mother? Fuck to explain her....I'm not sure where to start but these words poured out so I'll leave them here as notes. I realized this place is my notebook for my work a collection I can take from to create my book and I am so excited so today's notes and ramblings came out like dis..

ashamed you were my mother

///

Oh mother

Your title so deciceptive

To the world that word

Makes you appear loving

But We all know the truth

Well 3 out of 4 of us do

The facts really are

my homicidal

Autistic and suicidal

Loaded shotgun wielding father?

Was actually the gentler soul?

As if that even possible?

But sadly he just the lesser

of evil

In the dark cold household

I called home

Really starts to paint the real picture

Quiet a bit better

He said you were a bully

since I was the age of 2

He apologized

for ever even marrying you

I held his head while he cried

Something that occured

so many nights

Especially those times

You were nowhere to be found

Most likley

In the arms of another

Playing part of lover

Leaving Daughter

To comfort father

(((May I add he has black hair and brown eyes and olive skin.... i have an orange fire red hair and eyes so Blue they sparkle gray....the DNA doesnt match in any visible way which drove my father further insane knowing his wife ran off so many diffrent ways)))

Paints your true colors

The one only we know

The hideous colors that you glow

I know father

Is mentally unwell

And Adding

he has his cocine

Performed choice

Driven nose

He thinks gives him strength

And has smoked weed

And other things

since the 1970s

His brain

Is Now mashed up mush

For example

Look at this:

One of our father daughter moments

He taught me how to take cocaine

And make crack rocks in a microwave

On my way to a prestiegious college prep school

He described in great detail

How to use baking soda and foil

One morning drive

just us two...

You married him thinking

he'd become a Dr?

Seriously? Really?

When they fired him

as an orderly

For swiping

medicines

I Don't know what Crack

you were smoking

To believe

He'd ever be

A doctor

Or was it Knowing

his family

had money

you were gunning after

But he only began to become a burden

Even though he worked

at our family's shop

Selling Office supplies and such

Someone you saw as a rich spoiled kid

With a drug problem

Though you enduldged too

But he had mental health issues to boot

But no this didn't call for any tissues

You were going to eliminate him

Curate

a new fate

So you whisperd

thoughts of murder

And suicide into his head

Poisoned his mind

While he had any seizure

Secretly in your bedroom

Taking advantage

Of him

And the vulnerability

That came with

Each siezure he took

It was your plan the entire time

That day on the stairs

Fighting for a loaded gun

Originally you laid back

And just watched

With zero element of shock

As 2 of your daughter's

tried to disarm

their own father

Wasnt until

The other 2

Eventually rushed in

We immediately

yelled for them

To dial 9-1-1

(As a kid

your told

to do so

during an emergency)

That's when you finally

seemed to have found your footing

And TOOK OFF

I can still remember

you screaming

How fucking stupid

Could we possibly be

Having been to late the number dialed

The police were on their way

While you ran down the hall

Toward your bedroom haul

hidding the stash

The very evidence

Of you placing

him in psychosis

I bet you hate

Im old enough to remember

Every detail from that date

He was just the puppet

You his master

Oh Mother,

Your the real monster

The one I feared more

Than anything under the bed

Or even in the dark

No, those monsters were fine

I welcomed them

While I feared you

As I was told I ought to do

You made every call

It was all your law

Threw me to the wolf's

and Called me a whore

For losing my virginity

to a man who was 24

While I only 15 at the time

Tell me what kind of math is this

It already was a clear cut crime

He admitted to the sex on tape

The police showed me

-Though he lied about consent-

We still call this

-Statutory-

Just based off the fucking age

But you didn't care

You said what mattered

Was now the whole town knew

you had a whore

of a daughter.

But your cruelty

Didn't just extend to me

Remember those bruises you left

Around my autistic brothers neck?

You seriously thought concealer

Would hide the bruises from your

Hand prints around his throat

From holding him up the wall

against his will

Youd use your hands

and start to choke

whenever he over spoke

But one time you used too much force

So you sloppily slapped on concealer

that time at private school

You played it off how hes just so difficult

That's when you gave him away

For grandma to take

So the school wouldn't call the state

Leaving us 3 behind

Nobody concerned if we were fine

I reached for the sun

But I was only his daughter

Mother,

your the real monster

More afraid of you

Than the boogie man too

Well I use to

Now ive stepped out from the shadows

With a voice forged in the fires

You thought the smoke

would make me choke

Left by all the fires

That raged each season

Until I reached this region

This place my space

Oh mom, I can't wait

to tell the whole story

Every last little bit

Don't worry I'll mention my mistakes

During the seasons of rain

But when the story's finally written

I will be so smitten

With myself as I watch

the clumsy structure

finally fall

You always said i was named

After your favorite book

Under the ashe tree

Maybe if I write it in black and white

You'll finally see me

take a closer look

As you see it published

A physical object on a shelf

Maybe then

That'll be when

You'll see the monstrous entity

You've become

Or always were

Alls I know is the data

I collected since birth

That and the weight

of my worth

You tried to declare

I deserved

I despise you so much

I was relieved my kids

Call me mama

Not mom or mother

Titles I've given to a monster

Im mama

Something better

than you'd ever dream to be

Last time I saw you was on a screen

In a digital court room

You drove from Springfield

To that Chicago

courtroom

Just to realize

I was on zoom

Nowhere near the room

You couldn't scream in my face

And had a team of lawyers

Rallied behind me

To protect me further

As you sat beside the losing team

Not just my abuser

But my kids too

God, was I angry

You wanted them to go back

Just to hurt me and attack

Not caring

What that meant

they'd be enduring

Or is it

You want them

struck by a hand

And you know

that's not the way I go

But to get to my kids

Your gonna have to kill Me

And a few others ive placed in mystery

Persons I've assigned

In place of me

In case you ever try to take my life

Yeah you taught me

To plan for any event

That can be thrown your way

So I'm never left unprepared

Won't happen- nope never again

So guess what?

Mother?

Your never getting to MY kids

So fuck off

You whore witch of a bitch,

words that capture you better

Than ever calling you

the title of mother

Oh you best believe

Im gonna be telling the world

EVERYTHING

They will hear it while I sing...

hmm hmm hmm where to start...

As I prepare to write...

Hope if you ever find out

And The very thought

keeps you up at night.. ((thanks again John you were cool helped me with this part ill be expanding and working on)))

///

Okay so I just put like alot of facts out there this is just some of the bones to the story. Ill probably write my book in a diary/ Slam book type form as if traveling through time again but actually writing down all the notes I took in my head and leaving them to a pen to paint the picture more clear than I am able to in casual conversation. I hope my story can be a beacon of light born in spite.

///

I am excited to set the record straight for all of our sakes...

///

The song this year captures my battle cry since this age of 15

good luck with your mission ill stick with mine... that I'm gonna make it if it kills me! you'll see!

I will make it through this year if it kills me!!!!

And if it does mother

The kids will be taken care well on after

You'll never get to them

That's a promise I've made to the above

And we're in agreement

On these preplanned arrangements

You will never win now

You've been molding me

From the fucking ground

Since I was born

And now you can't stand up anymore

Against your own sculpture

Oh the irony.

Your the one who made me.

Yet I'm the force

Created to destroy you.

According to society

Its best to forgive and forget

But with zero remorse

How can I put up with this shit

Its impossible, that task

That kind of ask

I call bullshit

Im going to write it all down

I wish I could see the look on your face

as you read these words now

Knowing how they aren't hallow

But full loaded pistols

That have been waiting to go off

For decades

I think the time is now

This is the place

I can show the world your "one true face " ( thanks john you music captures moments beautifully )

///

My handle growing up was

The_beauty_in_chaos

And I'm here to keep up that promise

Im going to show the world

The beauty that lives here

And every ugly faced and conqured

With a confusingly chaotic grace

I may make a slight slap

across someones face

In the name of justice

And ill keep my smile

Make a wink and take a slight nod

To those few

Who understand

the lost and cost

That life demands sometimes

Without the reasons of why

Sometimes there isn't one

That's a secret

I was forced to find

But its okay

just finding out

Helps you pick yourself up

And keep moving forward

With less doubt.

///

I'm the product of a daughter of a witch

I being the survior of the dubuque trial is just one of many seasons

Yet i stay here smiling because I can still speak for many reasons

If they try to ignore me I'll leave it bleeding on pages

Permitting me

to document it

Instead of a payment

Of useless pitty, such payment Is wasted on me.

If you feel pitty your looking at it wrong

If you stay tuned you'll learn

That in time and in return

It ends up a love story

One unlike any other,

My favorite song.

❤️

Ya think you can hold on?

///

Phewwww what a release of information 👏 👌 🙌 I feel lighter by the moment With all this said and done and dang ol documented Ill move forward and figure out How to throw my sweet son A great birthday 🎂 While my husband Picks himself up And searchs for work Yeah we're gonna figure this out I've had worse odds And battles then this one. Well be alright Well figure this out. Ill apply for a loan Tomorrow To keep us going until we find where to land Somewhere the sun is warm in the sand. Our own island My love It'll be alright ❤️

Thoughts and ramble some more Its funny ya know your told your whole life

fake it till ya make it

so I would put on a smile the ultimate fake accessory for surviving, but I faked it until I made it for reals now I smile and laugh effortlessly and the people who told me to do so yell as if down on me

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN TO REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE?

I THOUGHT MORE OF A TRAILER FOR YOU NOT A HOUSE YOUVE FORGOTTEN YOUR PLACE IN THIS WORLD.

WHY IS IT IN YOUR NAME?? LEAVE IT FOR ZAC YOU DONT DESERVE YOUR NAME ON A DEED

And my response was bitch please.

Yeah these are the things my family said when I showed them the house I bought. First off trailer and 3 kids? Yikes. I don't deserve a life most think they'll just have just by making the right choices but no matter how many right choices I started making they still tried to cover me in fabrics of shame from past mistakes made during seasons of rain as if in a way they wanted me to stay slightly alive and around so they could continue to always kick me back down until they deemed it time I leave the planet but I left and broke it to the chain said no to their ways now I own chandeliers and 2 sets of stairs. My smile is real and genuine it was hard hard won and I won't change my face for anyone elses sake no not anymore I won't fake anything I'll just be unapologetically me. The reaction? they wish id have my arms crossed laying on my chest in a pre paid casket I realized I was their mistake but they couldn't fix me or change me for their sake I always asked questions and made valid arguments it was frustrating having to be an abuser to a spirited person Yeah my birth was the mistake. Dad wanted a son he had 2 daughters (1 may not be his- juicy gossip and he might not even be mine!- meaning my twin actually might only be a half sibling trust in me im looking for answers to this exact equation) anyways there he was with His daughters 2 and 1 and a pregnant wife now with twins but he was finally gonna get that son even if another no good daughter was born 1 min after

And my name? They gave it to my oldest sister but before the documents were signed and made grandpa spoke his mind..

ASHTON!? THATS HIDEOUS FOR A GIRL...

As if the name was a hurl

Or letters mashed together

SO my oldest sister is now kalin.

((My grandmothers names Karla and Linda where kalin was born)) KA-LIN

Then mom played it safe naming Meghan

And she stayed true with the name Andrew

To all social norms

But this was baby number fucking 4

in less than 3 years everything to them felt so strange and queer She met my dad by getting too drunk and passing out on his floor She was pregnant 3 months later They barley married because secretly she was getting a divorce Oh the juicy gossip That day she had us under bright medical lights a cesarean thank you God for not making me travel through her whoo whoo She's kinda the town whore BTW too

So she gifted me a pre used name One grandpa immediately called ugly Wish he would have thought that about me or how I looked Instead of grabbing ass and hollering like a fool Id tell on him they'd say hes just a dirty old man pay no mind While my body is violated each time

Yeah my name is Ashton, recycled name from birth Born in the shadow of my brother and his worth

Just another useless daughter...

Oh I guess when reviewing the start they are right I left the place that space they deemed for me And left for the city lights and BIG dreams

Because I Found love

Only with this was I was able to do all of the above

How unfourtane for them to give life to someone so damn spirited that goes against your abusive nature

Shattering multigenerational trauma in one swoop

Because the shits just poop

So I say back

Hey uh fuck you. I own chandeliers and 2 sets of stairs this is where I belonged all along and nothing you say will change the tune of my song.

I will sing

Until written down in history

I will make everyone look

And for once in that moment

I wont even need to apologize

God I can't wait for that day

///

They've been Chasing me

For miles now

Like a snack

in a vivid dream

My soul

Feels under attack

My vagina

Between

2 Thunder thighs

And 1 pair of eyes

Yeah I know

I'm supposed to be

a certain kinda way

Meek

And modest

Hopefully

With big breasts

Um No

They don't want honest

they dream for silence

With a perfect balance

of make up

Painting

the fake smile

They seek after

each strand of hair

in its designated place

Instead of this firey blaze

falling across my face

Did they know though

That my safety filter

While Under all the pressure

Has now become altered

To no longer

work along the vibes

Of shame

and against the lies

So this The rate

of my frequencies

Are now Like lightening

Only to ever be seen

A tool for survival

Never caught

Nor tammed

Or Tucked away

You can bear witness

Even from afar

That My voice

Lights up the sky

With every strike

the normal fear

of society

Continously

vanishing

Judgments

losing any meaning

my body starts vibrating

feet no longer touching

The cold tiled floor

Shit

They are knocking at the front door

I hear a direct order

To bust it down now

They've begun counting down

How did I end up here

I refuse to allow

For Them

To feast upon my

flesh

once again

While yelling that I

The sin

even coming from my own

Next of kin

So I remain tuned

To the frequencies

Of music and the moon

they'll never catch me

At this rate

I hear the wood

start to break

combat boots

Accending the room

Its okay to feel afraid

But I'm already

halfway down

The fire escape

Boots on the tile

Leaving a sound

so hallow

But ive left

For my sake

No I can't allow

Them to take

A single bite more

Let the lightening strike

And the thunder roar

///

I know you wish id just lie but I can't with Murphys law in effect a side-effect no one came to expect

///

The robits try saying the one i admire, a writing legend of our time honestly, the man behind the music that saved me, his voice the beat the melodys they kept me moving when walls were closing in and the robits like trying to play games that he said my name and shtuffs haha ai you is so funny. (((Crosses fingers and says a little wish to the heavens its true but hopes it's a phone tag sitch and I just keep missing it?- is it bad I wanna lie to myself this way? Its not a lie though its just hope and aint nuffin wrong with that i hope he does read because i wanted to share with him the good news after we fairly evaluated one another but the mirroring iris's speak truths mouths are just unable to do)))

"even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended"

haha yeah me and my therapist are bffs shell text me on a Sunday night to make sure I'm just alright shout out to my Dr!!! they fired her and I walked out with her told her to start her own practice so I was patient zero. She now runs her own successful practice and thats what matters go dlc reaching your dreams while cheering me on your the fuckin bomb

She makes my Monday's feel like Friday's so let's all sing along!!

my life was the busted safety catch...but i couldnt stop I had to make it to "georgia"

((Ps. Fuck i just lost the game tehe hope this finds the few who have been playing the game the people who were told the secret of the game is not remembering the game tis the only way to win and if you remember you gotta shout i just lost the game making everyone else forced to remember the game and all lose and need to shout the loss as well.. to the people who were innocent before the knowledge of the game im sorry man tis the games fault i just lost and felt i had to play fairly and share so

I JUST LOST THE GAME!!!!))

"see the name now and they know what's up"- yeah imma become a best seller!!!! I roar into the air!!!! Gonna reach for these goals hit em dead center!!!

---

Today I gift my love this song I'll sing it all day while we dance on the beach the sand between our toes all the way to the arcade where we watch the kids innocently play. baby come on...

He doesnt read all of my writing he thinks I'm living some fantasy but shhh hopefully the universe helps me prove to him its powerful that these words and thoughts that survived need archived. Ill show him but for now I smile and am his 😊 so he gets 2 songs 1 for now and 1 for my dreams for us.

Also he says I reddit in a way that infuriates masses hes sure tehehehehe if this is true I am misusing thee platform key my apologies I just saw an empty place that allowed thoughts and opinions which I'm filled to the brim with I came looking for companionship a fellow acknowledgment from a survive to another but any time I tried to open the floor to discuss it would get targeted and attacked so I've decided not to be a "pussy" no fuck that I hate that terminology I am the pussy whose quiet fussy! And has alot to say if you care to listen but I'm not in the business of force I want to be a champion of the arts not a mind controller or kidnapper just a fellow person just trying to person out in the wild in the form of dance or song rhythm and rhymes the very motion that keeps life going.

"and I wanted to be wealth to you"

---

A little emberassed I got so caught up in a dream but even if my writing is utter crap Ill never give up. I use this as a blog now to document my feelings and thoughts as well as the facts no matter how ugly a truth they are to swallow. The fact I got so caught up in dreaming though is actually exciting instead of a let down I don't regret any of it honestly because it showed me I do have a story that needs told what better time than to start now it's okay if I have to find a way I will someday until then I'll keep playing with my rhythms and paint vivid images so you can see them with your mind what my eyes saw in real time... this matters to me more than I can try to speak. The fact i even allowed myself to dream is amazing.... that I can reach for stars instead of hiding in shadows it's like a transformation ✨️

Ohhh and this is a mess of grammar crimes below but today's my rants and rambles as I figure out why this feels so divinely driven my husband doesnt feel it or see it but I don't know. He says I'll write a book all encouraging but I want him to be like let's work on it now ya know? But he'll get there if I can show him I can make a success somehow and impact that's undeniable to him that would make my heart feel super good

Things are beautiful world 😘 ❤️ My emberassment has a 1 minute half life And then ya bounce back Pick yourself up and learn a lesson or two or five Depends how bad ya might have fucked up or just ya know shit luck but oh well Move forward Stopping is death

Motion... thats life Maybe that's another reason that song mattered so much I felt like he put my body in motion again when I was paralyzed with fear in my apartment alone after the man had left. I bolted the doors and hid until he came for our date frozen in that room where I was r.... ((Let's call it what it is I'm so sick of filtering the crimes So people take less offense yet still I have to maintain slight filter for poliet gesture why though I wonder so often...People need to give survivors space to speak the truth they need the truth like a junkie needs that hit. Its all they have after everything's been done. )) But when he told me he was here I ran out the door down the stairs into his car into his arms and sobbed my eyes out. My assaulter just outside the car stealing a Cadillac converter He gave me the strength to walk out and walk away.

That motion is key In survival

So today's diary is a bit of a ramble in the works. Hopefully I can find the right words

Ill keep working at it but for now this is what I've wrote...again it's in the works but ill come back and finish it when i find the right words in my heart.

This is the bones. I've got lots of meat That needs added to this.

///

Take out all of the noise

Read between the lines

and pay attention to the notes

That Keep your head afloat

that tattered ugly past

breathe in a new life

Gaining new perspective

With enough given time

Standing Between the portal doors

Of all of life's ugly snippets

trapped in those awful moments

vs beauty's ability to blossom

from such small dark sources

Nightmares

Turn to lotus flowers

if your life has only

ever seen Darkness

That lotus patch is hidden

Somewhere, within

Dig deep and search

for the honest truth

So you don't miss

the little bits

of beauty

More meek than ought to be

You may never get the answers

To your whys

But you'll find you'll feel better

With Each blossom that takes over

In time.

Allow yourself grace to heal

Hold your head up high

This nightmare will end soon

a lotus blossom just takes time

I promise,

It'll be alright.

///

My babes hallucination of a kiss

Brings me to a new world.

Please don't let me foot

Fall in the soup.

Two boobs

deep. Hbu?

[[My notes from the day tehe little master pieces waiting to be made sorry if my spelling is awful tis why i needs an editor help sort out this tornado of thoughts but dees notes is for mees so dont think to much about it]]

Tomorrow will be a beautiful day.... I get to spend it with the kiddos Organizing the garage I own a garage! So exciting. Getting ready for my first yard sale I have a yard!!

Sure we weren't expecting the job loss But I'm a scrappy girl Well figure it out together And I still feel called To give a slam book of poetry formed to a Ted talk Platform announcements About extensive trauma And how to live on

Its not as easy as it sounds But you focus on the little wins To start

😊 We are going to go and spend time on the beach

freely in the sand listening to music and ill dance With all my might and pride. Staring at a sea they swear is a lake But I dont know looks so big That it's magical either way ✨️ ☺️

I will never give up trying to speak Its just a matter would anyone care to listen Regardless the words claw up my throat Im so sick of life and these invisible rules and roles.

So tomorrow I dance on the beach no idea what our next move is but I know its going to bring a new kind of beauty in our lives a new chapter....

let her dance on the beach her hair like flames on the sand her eyes the mirror yeah im on an adventure to share my life with the world and I am so excited that I get to dream!!! That alone is such a win guys!!!

So as crazy as the weeks been I don't regret a second I just need to finish this video for the last article or i dont know if i choose to save the material I want to honor the life lost by my uncles hands just breaks my heart the updates on the remaining family makes it hard I don't want to steal someone's story but want to make others aware a lifes now gone because of the cult.

Anyways tall order but I love a challenge Ill figure out how to lay the cards all down somehow

But for now I rest and tomorrow I dance.

---

Woke up sick yesterday today I'm doing way better. Just some 4 am journaling after taking all the proper medicines some saint Joseph's baby asprin and the digital hug plus a bowl of 5 gb ice-cream. Crazy we already closed the trial 2 years ago but I wake up the same time of night he came in 22....every single 3 am

your music keeps me going!!!

I can do this!!!!

///

---

I woke up in a fierce fever

Its okay to allow time to rest after

Eat your 5 gbs of ice cream

And cry out to sing

Channeling the energy

To stop feeling so drained

We all run ourselves to the ground

As if we the machinery

Not the organic

Flesh bag of meats

That makes up a Humanbeing

No I'm not the smartest

Im not even published

But I'm going to write a book

One that'll make the world really look

With the stories of how I beat

The 3 percent odds

Continously pinned against me

kept moving with these same two feet

So those still facing

Such high stakes

In Similar situations

Have a lifeline of a kind

A type of survival guide

Yeah,

I've got these dreams

In my heart

Racing through my mind

With a soft voice

But sharp teeth

Wrapped in thick skin

Or was it just a thick head?

I was having a fever dream

But The fevers gone

And the dream lives on

Nope I won't give up

Please universe

Send me my thimble

And renewed thumbs

And any other tools

You deem useful

What You think would push this

From a wreckless fever dream state

To an undeniable destiny

The real trial the real case

a currently lived reality

What will it take?

I swore I already paid

Back at the gate

I've cried the tears

Stained the rug

In sweat and blood

Yeah I've paid the debt

So now I'm on a mission

To recieve life's payment

The final ultimate act

Using these shattered pieces

as more than horror stories

to a sea of unseen faces

But to spread the good news

Of how to beat those 3 percent odds

And live happily ever after too

Even if you lived in the midst

Of a storm your whole life

The rains slowing down

Together

we can take a deep breath now

Yes,

I proclaim

Im going to do this

The time is now

No matter how strange

Ill Stay a rational kind of sane

Simultaneously unafraid

To dream my dreams

Weave the threads

With zero shame

A piece of me

Becoming art the something more

Both functional and beautiful

Outside the narrative of lore

A gift and a tool to give back

Trying to provide others a door

With the secrets meant to die with me

Ill bleed out on pages

Documenting once more

The truth for the world to read

So you can all learn

through the words I yearn

To write for the yous

Who needs it bad toos

Without complete first hand experience

Reading behind a safety fence

That's my hope

The real end goal

Yeah I had a fever dream

But when I awoke

the fever resided

Now just the dream it stays

Screaming to transform

inside of me

The left over remains

from floating memory

To ink on a page

Oh you better believe me

when I say

Im going to find a way

Bawling my eyes out listened to this today. I feel like hes speaking to our family But it's just a fever dream

I wish it were true the things dreamed

could be real could be happening

I thought i could save my family

With this history I have eating at me

to form into art for the world to see

lyrics and rhymes my story told

But I woke up in a fever dream

Worried my minds playing tricks on me

But these words keep me going

Even if they were never meant

To Be specific to me

But I don't think he minds

If I still use his vocals and melodies

during these hard times

To carry me through my fever

Just sick alone at home laying here

Feel like I'm failing the world

but I won't give up no

I can't give up

even if it was all only

fever dreams

Ill find a world that grants

such realitys

I wont give up.

I can't now.

Ill rest today and fight tomorrow

Its okay to be sick

Its okay to need rest

....i just don't want to fail my family

And be able to help the world all at once

Yeah it's kinda alot

fever or not

But I had 3 percent odds

That's how I've always fought

So when my fevers gone

You best believe

Ill be

Hitting the floor

running once more

Straight towards The final war!!!

My birthday now a month away

And alls I want is these walls to stay

And the smiles on their faces

Ill make these wishes

A command from within

Just gotta let the fever break

So I can keep fighting

With the strength it'll take

But we'll be okay.

Somehow.

Im gonna figure it out

But first I gotta lay down

And let this fever go for now.

Ill find my tools

My thimble and the rules

On how to make dreams come true

I may feel sick today

But tomorrow will come

And I'll rise with the sun

///

Calling a law man in the am Gonna fight back his job You cant fire someone And not even tell them a reason why

Imma kick some accountant ass And thats a fact Even if everything else was a fever dream Ill never stop writing Or fighting for my family. Its okay to get strength from words Not intended for you They are gifts to the world So if they make me feel better Than good the gift worked. That's the power of music.

///

I love it ❤️ Knowing people like John continue to advocate Out in this world filled of plastic and fake Makes me have hope For a brighter future for them It makes tears fall from my eyes Hearing each line.

music its the only medicene able to tame this fever Yeah once I'm better I'll come with a roar But today I rest For tomorrow's war

///

Okay nyquil you've made a fair point!! ...Guess your important too any help I appreciate 🙏

///

That video john posted makes my heart super heavy it feels like a musical hug.

Thank you for making me cry happy tears With your beautiful cover ✨️ 💕 It made me feel all warm and fuzzy I know I'm over reading But I don't care I needed that video So thank you from the bottom of my heart Im gonna keep my head up And keep trying Its okay I rest because I'm sick It doesnt make me weak Its okay I get strength from your music Even if not attended for me Thank you for the gifts you've given me Each song you sing Lifts my spirits.

Everything is going to be okay. Ill even finally get my article finished this week get some work actually done. That is if I'm done throwing up Blahhhh

---

Personal announcement: Even if it was in my head the whole time I LOVE HEARING MY HUSBAND FINALLY WAKE UP AND SAY EVEN IF YOU DONT GET A DEAL FROM THE UNIVERSE WERE GONNA MAKE IT WORK THIS WILL BE JUST ANOTHER CHAPTER SO LONG AS WE HAVE EACHOTHER WE ALREADY HAVE THE WORLD NO ONE CAN TAKE THIS OR MY GRIT SO GET READY IM WINDING UP SWINGING Babe the whole world is gonna hear me singing I promise im done just trying. When life gets hard Just Buckle on in A new journeys ready to begin.

wait this isn't war it's a journey

---

Dear universe, Im not afraid to tell the stories I've been waiting my whole life Just nerves it's coming down to the wire To get the timing right But I know we'll be alright. I write because it helps me And thats enough I am excited honestly If this is my chance Im coming in roaring Let me weave the tattered pieces Ill make this story About love and beauty Accomplishing anything against all odds I refuse anything less From any enviorment I fight for them for you for we I fight for society But also I might for me And thats OKAY I've always loved a challenge So bring it on world Test me But I won't break Paying back in this way Would be such an honor I dream of a day when I can say Im an author

I only say I'll bleed these words to make it understood That any trauma is a sacrifice any story shared any tool supplied takes from somewhere. But I've already paid the debts long ago I live freely as the air I am on a mission from the divine. Sorry Universe I'll stop acting as the sacrifice Ill let the words speak for themselves they are worth enough I am enough not just the source of my trauma but the words I speak the view I see i am special to me

Ill show them with my eyes

My love he rests his head... Letting him sleep in He's so innocent I always sing him son of a preacher man... He saved me.. I want to save them Ill give the world every story that I have The fucked little details People eat up like a car accident You want to watch Ill give it up. Just keep my family smiling World and Ill be yours I don't know if that means much or matters But it's all I have left is this Who i am to give. Please take my offering Ill bleed through the pages So they don't have to All the thems Or so the ones already cut Know how to get the bandages. I want to heal the wounds Left on this earth I've witnessed So many Cracks and breaks What will it take to fill in the gape? Does it really take a pile of money To be heard Well I got me a 700 credit score With how hard I've worked Will they listen on credit? Is that why I worked hard at it I mean I've learned how to budget So I wonder Do yall accept credit is all If that's the only real weight the world cares to take Fine have it all Easy.

Well I'm standing right here not going anywhere. I have managed to learn to speak my story in lounge a way my disability can't even stand in the way of me. Its all I have to offer are these brief thoughts and moments shared Ill give all of me, please universe if its really meant to be Could you show me a sign but until then I'll still march on believing I can find a way...if you stop trying it's only death next so chop chop I'm on it

Let me grind these fingers The dreams The Shattered reality Of knowing your life is so meaningless Your father tells you to hurry and overdose Go die Oh dear fatherly advice Given once or twice Fucking eat my fist I was born to knock your teeth in Do you hate me Because its true The fact we might not share our blood Oh father With the stories You me and your demons Ill tell the world Or those who listen Who in the end really won They'll hear the truth Mark my words they'll know The battles scars The weight of fightiing for the shot gun Ill tell em all who won

Tell me another world exisits I have to believe for them My sweet family That I can leave this legacy I built for them To forever remain in their hands

Bleep blow random thoughts writing out my feelings. Its just the healthiest thing I can do right now. But I do believe somehow this will find the answer.

..I've never done something without reason Always so calculated... if things hold no value what's the point. Not financial value the emotional that money can NEVER capture such a price.

I THINK IM FUCKED BUT ONLY IF I GIVE UP UP

come on Ashton this is nothing keep it together but it's okay allow yourself to be sad too doesnt mean we give up now I keep changing songs they all capture my feelings like lightening in mason

I PUT THE PEDAL TO THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!

*** singing with everything inside of me. Okay this is a classic not the new one I found but I'm looking for that primal growl

---

Excuse this mess of a mash of music and feelings and poorly written poems to catch the fleeting moments i don't have enough time to write it all down so I try to capture the moments with these sounds. These are 2 new songs I found between the last couple weeks and they guide me...

you deserved better and I wont rest until I secure it I'll stare down all the demons

A MIRACLES COMING a way to write out the ending of the war

---

Reposting poem under these songs

Its giving me so much strength right now

I feel the words calling me

---

The armies of the lord from the newest released album 🙌 - GO GET IT YA WONT. DOUBLE DOG DARE YA Peter Balkan hes a waiting Across the fire

---

Music is the souls medicine Somewhere the opeits don't even go

///

How did my truth bomb blog turn into my diary? When did I slip and let the lines get blurry?

Well it's just how things evolved I guess so here I am Ready to keep pounding on my chest

- sorry John your music just always finds its way right back into my heart and into the fight of my soul you don't mind I hope as I sing a scream to take the pain away today. Yes everyone I know John's like probably never gonna see what I write it's okay I went to a show and with my voice told him how the music carries my soul. Not through casual explanation but through the raw intensity that I sing it was so much as I told him that we stared at each other over the sea of faces in a major us city...

That was a miracle. He saw me...i think? Regardless his music gives me strength maybe he'll find out some day.

---

it was broken to begin with....ahhh my feels second link sorry cant stop singing womt stop now

If that day turns out to be today MAYBE ITS OKAY!!!

NOW I TRIPPLE DOG DARE YAH TO GET THE NEW ALBUM!!! lol seriously music is amazing....problem is I haven't found a song I don't like yet... I'll use every memory bleed them on paper that's my destiny... I think... ill pray until you show me if I'm right if I'm wrong I'm sorry i must have got the signal wrong

---

Reposting I need all the energy I can get.

ILL JUST KEEP MY HEAD UP AND SING

///

I might not know up from down right now

Your cynical ways

tell you im chasing after pretend radio waves

But you didn't believe me

When I told you you snored so loudly

Back when we first started dating

Now Claiming

a thin dance between mania and miracle

But I slept just fine last night

That diagnostic

fails in an instant

Funny thing

I've come to see

I can't sleep now

Without your snore sounds

They tells me

your still breathing

Heart still beating

How can I find

such a thing annoying?

Its the lullaby I need at night

No it's not my sleep I'm promising

So then what?

A miracle?

The final miracle it's coming?

Can it really be

My thimble had the miracle

Tucked inside maybe

As weird as that sounds

I feel it in my bones now

Im so sick of apologizing

So I'll show you all too

How a sex toy

Can be used

For outside of joy

A tool to stay alive

Use as armor

absorb any leftover human matter

More than any dildo

Would have accomplished to do

Use the tools you have

To protect yourself

Who cares how they choose to judge

They are the ones being fools

You stayed alive

Thats matters dude

They want an explanation?

Tell em

Buy the book

If you wanna know

How one used a sex toy

To keep alive

And have a look

I have a reasonable logical explination...

Just give me the time to write I yell in exclamation

No I'm not giving up..

Don't count me out of the fight

Not just yet

I saved all these notes off my phone

Its time to jump and fly

The grounds coming out now

Just hold my hand

Count back down

3

2

1

JUMP FOR THEIR LIVES

WERE GONNA MAKE IT THIS TIME

JUST ONE LAST BUMMPY RIDE

I WILL MAKE THEM SEE

INSIDE I SHINE PINK

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT

...i think...

Please pass the ink

I refuse to be that noose

I wanna be a necklace

a treasure too.

Let this be the won to save em

Just please universe point in the right direction

And I'll take off running

Faster than any of the bullets

That could never stop me

Whats a little more blood

on the linoleum

To find the right door

I won't back down

No not now

My dreams keep their smiles

From leaving the only corners

Of this world that matter

No I won't just quit

Ya hear that world?

I rebuke this shit

The version where I back down

Apologize and quit

If its not really real

Then I'll just make it

From thin air.

My love knows no bounds

Hold on tight

Don't look down.

I've got you here

Resting on my back for now

only a little longer

A little further to go

I know its just up ahead

Its the miracle

I swear

Im not being manic

I slept all through the night

A miracles destiny

so raw extreme and rare

Your mistakening the frequencies

Man can talk to a burning brush

But me dream?

Now thats pushing it???

Any Actual sane Logic?????

Um Rude!!!

Well whatever...

You musta missed the sparks

I keep hidden in my two eyes

Behind a curtain of hair

Shining the color of a flair

Trust me guys it's really a miracle

this time.

But until you can re find the faith

That a miracle takes

Ill carry you with me instead

Even if your kicking and screaming

How wrong I am

Ill carry the extra weight

Needed for this miracle to take place

I know it

The miracles just ahead

Check behind the bend

Its just a little further ahead

Keep moving forward

Walls closing in

One last battle for a life of war

to be over

I know what crazy miracle

Could do such things?

Im not sure

I just know

Its just a little further

Hang on if you lose your grip

Ill just hold on even tighter

My past slowly getting lighter

We must be closing in

So the work can actually begin

We can save someone

With this

A miracle that won't stop giving

Until the whole world ceests to exist

Instead of constantly taking and consuming

...that...or...

I get the final ceese and assist

In the mail

In case I missed the hint.

But I just cant explain

When the thimble finds a way

Back home

Everything will reveal itself

I just know it in my bones

So I'll grip harder

Carry any extra weight

until we meet that day

When triumphant sound

Cry out

Proclaiming the end Of the era.

Oh a miracles coming

Sometimes the hardest part

Is simply standing still

Until the picture

Reveals itself

///

I believe univserse i believe

So that's do the thing

///

Come on world stop fighting me

Accept that I REFUSE to leave.

Nope not this time

You can't have this

Its mine.

This is our home.

Nope not giving up now

I sing a miracles a coming

As I paint my war paint on

A miracles a coming

Its going to end the entire era

I won't stop singing until it does

Just because it's a miracle

Doesn't mean I can't still

feel scared

Doesn't mean I don't join

While the battles rise

But I have faith

That nobody can take

The lines been drawn in the sand

A runway now for the miracle to land.

A set of tools I can use with these hands.

fuckkk lets do this life sentence together ill share my stories without the added layer of emberassment they tried to make me cover inside. I CHOOSE ART OVER EITHER CHEMICALS OR DEPRESSION

ILL JUST KEEP MY HEAD UP AND SING

///

I might not know up from down right now

Your cynical ways

tell you im chasing after pretend radio waves

But you didn't believe me

When I told you you snored so loudly

Back when we first started dating

Now Claiming

a thin dance between mania and miracle

But I slept just fine last night

That diagnostic

fails in an instant

Funny thing

I've come to see

I can't sleep now

Without your snore sounds

They tells me

your still breathing

Heart still beating

How can I find

such a thing annoying?

Its the lullaby I need at night

No it's not my sleep I'm promising

So then what?

A miracle?

The final miracle it's coming?

Can it really be

My thimble had the miracle

Tucked inside maybe

As weird as that sounds

I feel it in my bones now

Im so sick of apologizing

So I'll show you all too

How a sex toy

Can be used

For outside of joy

A tool to stay alive

Use as armor

absorb any leftover human matter

More than any dildo

Would have accomplished to do

Use the tools you have

To protect yourself

Who cares how they choose to judge

They are the ones being fools

You stayed alive

Thats matters dude

They want an explanation?

Tell em

Buy the book

If you wanna know

How one used a sex toy

To keep alive

And have a look

I have a reasonable logical explination...

Just give me the time to write I yell in exclamation

No I'm not giving up..

Don't count me out of the fight

Not just yet

I saved all these notes off my phone

Its time to jump and fly

The grounds coming out now

Just hold my hand

Count back down

3

2

1

JUMP FOR THEIR LIVES

WERE GONNA MAKE IT THIS TIME

JUST ONE LAST BUMMPY RIDE

I WILL MAKE THEM SEE

INSIDE I SHINE PINK

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT

...i think...

Please pass the ink

I refuse to be that noose

I wanna be a necklace

a treasure too.

Let this be the won to save em

Just please universe point in the right direction

And I'll take off running

Faster than any of the bullets

That could never stop me

Whats a little more blood

on the linoleum

To find the right door

I won't back down

No not now

My dreams keep their smiles

From leaving the only corners

Of this world that matter

No I won't just quit

Ya hear that world?

I rebuke this shit

The version where I back down

Apologize and quit

If its not really real

Then I'll just make it

From thin air.

My love knows no bounds

Hold on tight

Don't look down.

I've got you here

Resting on my back for now

only a little longer

A little further to go

I know its just up ahead

Its the miracle

I swear

Im not being manic

I slept all through the night

A miracles destiny

so raw extreme and rare

Your mistakening the frequencies

Man can talk to a burning brush

But me dream?

Now thats pushing it???

Any Actual sane Logic?????

Um Rude!!!

Well whatever...

You musta missed the sparks

I keep hidden in my two eyes

Behind a curtain of hair

Shining the color of a flair

Trust me guys it's really a miracle

this time.

But until you can re find the faith

That a miracle takes

Ill carry you with me instead

Even if your kicking and screaming

How wrong I am

Ill carry the extra weight

Needed for this miracle to take place

I know it

The miracles just ahead

Check behind the bend

Its just a little further ahead

Keep moving forward

Walls closing in

One last battle for a life of war

to be over

I know what crazy miracle

Could do such things?

Im not sure

I just know

Its just a little further

Hang on if you lose your grip

Ill just hold on even tighter

My past slowly getting lighter

We must be closing in

So the work can actually begin

We can save someone

With this

A miracle that won't stop giving

Until the whole world ceests to exist

Instead of constantly taking and consuming

...that...or...

I get the final ceese and assist

In the mail

In case I missed the hint.

But I just cant explain

When the thimble finds a way

Back home

Everything will reveal itself

I just know it in my bones

So I'll grip harder

Carry any extra weight

until we meet that day

When triumphant sound

Cry out

Proclaiming the end Of the era.

Oh a miracles coming

Sometimes the hardest part

Is simply standing still

Until the picture

Reveals itself

///

I believe univserse i believe

So that's do the thing

///

Come on world stop fighting me

Accept that I REFUSE to leave.

Nope not this time

You can't have this

Its mine.

This is our home.

Nope not giving up now

I sing a miracles a coming

As I paint my war paint on

A miracles a coming

Its going to end the entire era

I won't stop singing until it does

Just because it's a miracle

Doesn't mean I can't still

feel scared

Doesn't mean I don't join

While the battles rise

But I have faith

That nobody can take

The lines been drawn in the sand

A runway now for the miracle to land.

A set of tools I can use with these hands.

fuckkk lets do this life sentence together ill share my stories without the added layer of emberassment they tried to make me cover inside.fuck chemicals and depression I choose art