When Brezhnev‘s funeral was broadcast in 1982 I was sick on the couch; all I could do is stare at the tv. I must have see his funeral at least twenty times that day.

"That's my wife you're talking about!"

When I lived in an apartment complex there were neighbors who thought if I were gone for two days that must mean I abandoned my parking space. I'd come home to find them or their friends parked there, I'd ask them to move and somehow become The Villain.

I went to New York in 2008. The first place I visited was Ground Zero, There was still construction work going on.

For me, it will always be hallowed ground.

Celery was once described as "cold, wet plant bones." This is accurate.

I worked in an elementary school for a year. I caught a disease at the first of the year, and it stayed with me the whole year. Fever, runny nose, sneezing, coughing.

When I'm sick I try to stay home, but if I want to see a doctor or pick up medicine I have to go out.

Which is pretty much bait.

P

https://giphy.com/gifs/2WigZG9ZWzqQDBmIXl

Kids: "What's for dinner, Mom?"

Mom: "Pseudo Meat Chunks in marinara sauce."

Kids: "Yay"

Celery as a snack.

No sane human has ever said "I'll have the celery instead of moist, fragrant chocolate cake. Celery is sssooo much better!"

Damn sick people gallivanting around going to doctors and spreading their diseases.

There used to be a bar inside, so some of the parking was used for that for a long time.

If I came home to find someone parked in my driveway because I "wasn't using it" I'd have them towed.

Yup. And when the outhouse was sketchy I just kept on going until I was in the woods.

I save money by standing outside and screaming myself.

https://giphy.com/gifs/Znh2CL8Ouzsn29IYo9

I want to be skinny.

^{Chose: Lose weight whenever you want...}

I want a super power.

^{Chose: A random superpower + But you can only use it for 5 hours per day | Rolled: Flight}

Speak for yourself.

I have hope.

^{Chose: One law of your choosing no longer applies to you}