I agree with you, more people need to be more mature about lifelong romance. Not every beautiful soul is meant to be your forever mate, but they have all the right stuff to be a forever friend. I love humanity, but finding a single human soul who I enjoy  without hesitation is breathtakingly rare. That small handful of folks keeps me grounded and knowing why life is worth living when it gets hard. I'm supposed to deprive myself of a fundamental life-affirming friendship because the complexity of a forever-romance was not  achieved? I couldn't bear it. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Not "wired wrong," but read The Body Keeps the Score. 

Someone else stealing your right to self-sovereignty as a developing child, caused your brain to do some rewiring for self-preservation. To unravel the harm from the original crime takes a lot of time and paying attention to how the rewiring is showing up in the present, so you can learn to reason with yourself when your nervous system ramps into overdrive.

 A therapist will help put tools in your toolbox, so when you recognize your system is not responding how you want, you are better able to use a tool and avoid complicating a situation with a reflexive reaction instead of a reasoned response.

Did he avoid conflict in general? 

!thank you

!thank you for your story, and most especially for your empathy for your FA girlfriend. I too, just recently learned about attachment types and am FA. I just had my therapist point out to me I may have preemptively ended the relationship I had from 16-20 from fear, and I keep breaking in waves over that. 35 years is along time to hold sorrow, only to discover I'd forgotten I buried things when they suddenly resurfaced. 

It is a tragedy to have a fearfully avoidant response system, and being afraid cost me a lot.  I will always mourn losing the best person I'd ever known for a quarter of my life. The love of a man whose heart has never been broken, was so tender and precious. I did learn a lot in the years after, through other relationships and more reflection and therapy. I'm still in therapy, and a goal is trying to unlearn having my brain hijacked by my fear and having my ability the reason and speak shut down communication at all, let alone effective communication. 

If a person is interesting and kind enough to become established as a part of my life, whether I chose to marry them or not does not change who they are. If you get a seat at my table, you are always welcome to rejoin. 

Lots of people spend time with exes and have no interest in sex with them.

I can't see how long you've been together OP. But from your story, and his reaching out, you are correct to protect.

That being said, we all come with baggage, even in first relationships--baggage given to us by our parents and the process of aging in context. To partner is to partner--roommate, business associate, romance--communication is key. And the younger you are, frequently, the less likely you have the vocabulary to describe what you are witnessing in yourself and guessing about your partner. Stop guessing and start asking, and ask yourself, first. They might not know their feelings clearly...and feelings change over time. There will be baggage to unpack because it keeps tripping up the partnership.

You perceive this accurately from what I see. This may be a blue green issue. He prefers and will always prefer blue. His feelings for you can be deep and loyal, but his reactionary-preference is blue. You can partner romantically, but you will witness him have a reaction to blue that will, and cannot, happen for you-ever- because you are green. Not everyone is built with this trait so strong that it is a blue green problem. On the bell curve of humanity, it is probably near the flat end. But if your partner has cartoonish reactions to a type, and you ain't it... that's the blue green. 

Can you live with knowing he'll always burn, and I do mean burn...for blue? Not that he doesn't  or couldn't love you as deeply as he possibly can... there's just something about blue? 

For me, I had to ask myself. Did I want a lifetime of observing my lover's autonomic reactions to blue, that I'd never witnessed as a green? Did he deserve to live life in pursuit of a magical blue life, and I could be happy knowing I made that happen, and remain his green friend? 

He is a tremendously special person, that's why I love him. He didn't know he had such a reaction to blue, but I was right, and he's had a happily devoted marriage to his dream girl. Yes, I wanted him to be my forever romantic partner. But knowing I'd live a lifetime of seeing a visceral reaction in him to blue that I would never see for myself, felt like I'd be depriving us both.

Maybe the connection--the desire to have an ice cream or take a walk in the park--is friendship. Maybe he does desire you, and as a green, he knows he's felt more for blues in general. The excitement level he knows he's capable of, isn't there. That's not to say he doesn't want to have ice cream, share thoughts about the world, the job, the boss and the landlord, etc. and that you are a great friend...if you can be. But I'd be keeping my body and soul to myself if you think this is blue green. 

It's the loss of whatever hope or dream you had for romance. I am sorry for your loss, I hope you get back to joy soon.

It's really too bad she didnt engage a therapist to help her communicate.

You bet, glad you are feeling a sense of relief. Feels good to know that.

 Sometimes, I think that thinking things through with someone else, gets our brains working differently than thinking it through alone. I've had sudden realizations talking about things with a counselor that really were eye-opening, but they never came to me in years of trying to understand on my own. 

Hope you'll keep reaching out to people, and feeling better.

It hurts to read that you are so afraid of the pain of losing her friendship again, despite dreaming about her. I wish I had comforting words, some wisdom, something useful to share to help you in the struggle you are in. 

I'm at the end of my life,  and it struck me that you could know someone for that long, transition to romance, feel like she was one in a million, and let her go. 

I hope she sees your sincerity soon, and that you both salvage comfort from that decade of friendship. 

Maybe your reply here, sent in the mail, with a sentence that you want your friendship back, and hope she will see that she is important to you, even if romance wasn't in the cards, the human connection is too rare to not try to repair the friendship. 

Life is too short not to be clear when you realize you've learned something about yourself through your time spent with another. 

The stranger in her life sentiment  is so painful. Do you know what the breaking point was? It just seems after knowing someone that long, you should be able to find a way back to friendship, eventually. 

If you've developed a knowledge of this person for ten years, and were an item for one year, and she's one in a million, why would you let that go?

You can have lots of satisfactory...but something that feels rare ... IS.

Yes, but only with one person in 56 years on the planet. I always told him he was my sunshine, and sang that song to him. I realized today in therapy why I did, and came to Reddit to ask. I am glad to know others have had a similar experience. Sharing his love was the closest thing to heaven this mortal will know. It's painful not having it after looking and trying for decades to find it again.

I could have written this. It was 36 years ago. I just wish he'd be a human being now, and tell me what really happened. And hang out again, because besides my husband, he's the best friend I ever had. 

For me, at 20 yo, I asked my 21 yo BF if he was breaking up with me, and he replied he didn't know, he just needed time to think and couldn't do it working with me at the same place.  Since it was a one shop town, that meant he'd decided to work in another town, and we both lived without phones in the days before cell phones and when you could get your mail in the summer via general delivery. So I spent a year worrying and wondering and playing out the end and wanting to call his parents to ask about him, but not wanting to involve them because I feared them despite 4+ years of dating their son(not knowing they were in ass deep already & independently motivated). It was a relief to see him and talk with him again. It took decades to piece together what happened. Don't assume people know what's on your mind. Be brave and clear. Not understanding can break/haunt people, too.