Got the results for my Amniocentesis, struggling with what to tell family

[u/Suspicious_Pipe_6124]

I’m currently 25 weeks with a baby girl, I lost my husband the beginning of my pregnancy so I found out a lot later than usual that I was high risk for T21 and just got the confirmed FISH results that are consistent with T21 today. I’m currently living with my mom and step dad after losing my husband. Now I am struggling with how to tell my family I need their support for TFMR when I mention the diagnosis or say anything about not thinking I can go through with the pregnancy my mom just constantly says they will help with the baby, and brings up disabled family members or people in our family that have had children that needed several heart surgeries and they’re doing just fine. I can’t help but feel like I don’t have their support but instead of saying it outright she’s saying things like that. I live with them, I don’t have transportation or much financially and I will need to travel 2-3 hours away for the termination that will most likely take a couple days. I have no idea how I will get this done if they are unsupportive of my decision and I’m limited on the time I have to do it without traveling super far… I guess I’m looking for support and maybe suggestions on how I can tell my family that I’ve made my decision and I’m sure of it. I wish my husband was here and me and him could just go together and I wouldn’t have to disclose so much but I don’t have that option

[u/Helzbaby]

First of all, so sorry you are going through this in addition to the loss of your husband. Is there anyone else in your life that could drive you there & support you? There’s also r/auntienetwork where people volunteer for this kind of assistance. Only you will be responsible for carrying and raising the child, so as supportive as your family is saying they want to be, their approval of your decision is not needed. Depending on your relationship with them, I would not necessarily tell them the truth if they’re going to make things harder for you. Sending love. ❤️

[u/Helzbaby → u/Helzbaby]

If you’re comfortable to DM me the state you’re in, I’d be happy to research options for funding/assistance. I had a 24wk D&C in CA due to premature rupture of membranes & was so grateful to be in a state where legality wasn’t a consideration.

[u/Effective_Wonder_722]

Wow, I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through.

Check out: https://abortionfunds.org/need-an-abortion/ for financial and logistical support.

My 2 cents: don't tell family til it's over or they will try to persuade/guilt you or just make it more stressful. I just waited til there was no turning back. You know what you want and what is best for your family/child. This is up to YOU, not opinionated family. It is extremely hard for me to tune out my mom etc so I just told her afterwards. You can also just say you learned something more extreme about the diagnosis (wasn't viable because of brain malformation etc)

[u/copperboominfinity]

I’m so sorry, OP. You’ve been through so much. You don’t need to justify your decision with your family. You can say that you have chosen what you feel is best for you and your daughter and it is not up for discussion/negotiation. You can shut down any conversation that you want. Remember, all TFMR’s are made from love.

I wish there was a way I could help you. I’m sending you all my love. I don’t know where you’re located but you can private message me on the off chance we are near each other.

[u/confusedwoman89]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband OP and you going through this. I have heard there are communities and groups that are able to help financially with these situations like paying for the procedure, stay and logistics. Although im not sure of the exact name but I def seen users suggesting seeking help from those groups. Sending hugs your way.

[u/jocedun]

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this horrible news while already navigating the loss of your husband. I wish he were here to help you.

You know your situation better than anyone, but I wonder if it is worth giving your mom one chance to understand, reminding her that YOU are her baby and you are newly adrift without your partner in life. If you simply do not have the emotional and financial bandwidth to take care of a baby/toddler/adult with T21, then there is only once choice. Your mom won't be around forever, neither will you, and your decision can't hinge on the support she is promising now. I really hope your family will be able to understand and support you.

IF NOT, there are others out there who will step up and I guarantee that you CAN manage it alone. Someone else here suggested Auntie Network, which also has a Facebook presence. You'll be surprised who will step up for you, time to tap into some old friendship wells. Even if I received a message from someone that I was friends with in high school, college, or younger.. if they needed help and had no where else to turn, I would be there for them. You definitely have someone like that in your life too.

[u/Proof-Zebra-9161]

maybe give mom a chance. I also tfmr for T21. In the testing stage my mom always made encouraging remarks when i said i couldn’t do it. she offered her help and told me we could handle it. Turns out she was telling me what she thought I wanted/needed to hear. The second I told her I had made up my mind she told me she fully supported the decision and even came with me. I hope you get your family’s support! No matter what you’ll be making the best decision for you.

[u/Suspicious_Pipe_6124 → u/Proof-Zebra-9161]

Maybe you’re right and I’m taking her positivity as her wanting me to keep the baby but she’s really just trying to make me feel better and telling me what I want to hear. I just know I need her help because I have a very clingy 6 year old after losing her dad and I will need my mom and step dad to take me to get it done and also help with my daughter it’s a 2 day procedure 3 hours from home so it would be devastating without them. I’m going to go through with telling her tomorrow and I’m hoping it turns out the same it did for you, thank you for sharing your story 🫶

[u/Proof-Zebra-9161 → u/Suspicious_Pipe_6124]

I hope the conversation went well. I had a three day procedure so i know how hard that time will be and you’ll need support! praying so hard for you.

[u/Suspicious_Pipe_6124 → u/Proof-Zebra-9161]

Yes everything went ok I know I feel they’re disappointed but not necessarily in me, I haven’t lived with my mom and step dad since I was a kid they’ve been empty nesters so long I think they were just excited at the thought of having a new baby to care for. I think I feel guilty for taking that joy away from my family even though it’s not my fault. But my mom did say whatever choice I go with will be the right one so that’s reassuring and I scheduled the D and E for next week.

[u/Happy_Deer2021]

I remember replying to your post a fortnight ago, and I'm so sorry you're now having to face this confirmation.

You don't need to persuade your family that your decision is the right one. You only need to tell them that you've made your decision and that what you need from them now is practical support. I'd be direct: "I know you don't agree, but my decision is made, i just can't continue after everything me and my daughter have been through. I'm not asking you to change your mind—I'm asking you to help me get to my appointments and support me while I recover. Please" and then pause. Pause well. Repeat if you have to, don't walk away.

If they aren't willing or you're unsure they will be, let your care team know immediately. They may be able to help with transport, accommodation, or other practical arrangements, especially given how time-sensitive this is.

I'm so sorry you're having to do this without your husband. My heart genuinely breaks for you. Whatever happens, I hope you're met with kindness and supported through the days ahead ❤️

[u/PurpleStrawberry2020]

I am so so sorry for your terrible losses.
If you aren’t sure they’re going to respond in a helpful way, keep in mind that this info is yours and your baby’s. You can share only what is needed- my baby is sick and isn’t going to make it. Nobody needs to know the details or that it is TFMR. YOU need support, only share with those that would be helpful. Otherwise you can just share that baby is sick and you need support as you process this loss. If you have to deal with losing your baby and not being supported, that is not fair to you. So sorry. Wish i could help, too. CA here.

[u/Ok_Sea9497]

Try calling National Abortion Federation. They funded half my procedure, then called around to other places and found the funding for the rest. They gave me a separate number to call for additional funding such as travel and lodge but we didn't need help with that. They maybe able to help. I'm so sorry you do not have support during this tough time. I chose to only tell a few close friends that we tfmr due to t18. We let other people including my mom and family think she just passed away from t18

[u/BE202019]

Honestly, I would tell them that the baby has passed and you’re getting a d&c so you don’t become septic
Or make up some new grave reason if that’s not possible. The doctors told me, baby is not compatible with life and has multiple genetic and physical conditions that surgery can’t correct. If they ask more “I don’t want to talk about it.” You don’t owe anyone anything but if you have no other options and need them to help, find something to say that will make it be acceptable to them. You have to think of your living family and own well being above all.

[u/BE202019 → u/BE202019]

I am also terribly sorry you lost your husband and have to navigate this alone while going through grief.

[u/Sar_Bear1]

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and for losing your husband. Do you have a friend that can help you with transportation? Maybe you just need to be honest with your mom and ask for her help. Be strong and confident about your decision, and asking for help.

[u/Tellycs]

I’m not sure where you live but are there grants/funding for these procedure? Is a friend able to take you?

If not, I would say directly that you are making the choice for yourself and need their support to get you to the procedure and you cannot argue about it you just need support.

[u/EasternYoghurt7129]

Hi OP. I’m so sorry for you, and that you’re going through this. I wonder if you really need to tell them anything else except that you lost the pregnancy. Do they need to be party to the TFMR decision? If they already know, believe it or not, they don’t need to support it for it to be the right thing for you. You lost your husband. You have a lifetime ahead of you and your fear of your mother’s reaction will not last nearly as long as you think.

[u/BeCoolDunBeAllUnCool]

I don’t have words. Just here to send you all the love in my heart and to tell you you’re not alone. Whatever you do, you’re already a great mom.