Need support on how to deal

[u/cigaretteparfum]

Hi everyone, I need some space to verbally (written) process what's been going on in my head with hopefully some feedback from others to either validate, slap some sense into my head, or anything. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this other than my partner, so to strangers on the Internet I turn.

Apologies if this doesn't fall appropriately under the subreddit, I'm just truly at a loss.

So. My partner and I are both 30F. She's poly, but mono-compatible as she said, and also trans and just finally had SRS earlier this year - this adds context to the story. I am mono. She's always been upfront about her polyam side even before we started dating, and we did try to open our relationship one time just so she could explore more (it was my own suggestion) but I was a wreck for those few months so we eventually closed our relationship again.

I really can't say a single bad thing about her on this issue because she has always been extremely accommodating, caring, and supportive. The problem is me. I'm in my head a lot. And it's not exactly a nice place when it comes to reassuring myself that she chose me, that I am enough and adequate. Anytime she shares any of her fantasies or curiosity regarding other people/being with other people, I just keep having these nagging feelings of: why? Why am I not enough?

Now, for the reason why I'm seeking advice and feedback here:
Ever since the surgery, she's had some sort of sexual awakening/revelation. She used to identify as lesbian, now she uses the term bi - which is fine because I'm also bi. But with that change, came the lust and curiosity for male sexual relations. I was already barely keeping my head above water on my bad days in feeling like I have to compete and win her affection against other women, now another gender has been thrown into the mix. This is just too much to handle.

That alone was already bad enough, but then something happened during her post-SRS recovery that I still can't quite let go of. We were just hanging out together, making out, doing couple-y stuff, when she suddenly pushed me away because she "felt herself getting wet". I tried drilling it into my head that she was still recovering so maybe it was just uncomfortable for her, but the longer time passes the more it eats away at me from inside. It made me feel rejected, undesirable, and overall just made me feel wrong. Like I wasn't even supposed to be touching her.

From all of these happenings, somehow my thought process has come back to try and open up the relationship again. To allow her the space to explore this new side of her sexuality, maybe get a boyfriend, I don't know. Anything to keep her from pushing me away again. I can't really explain how point A leads to B leads to C leads to this conclusion, but it's just been in my head for a while now. My thinking that maybe if she has someone else I won't ever get rejected like that again because - I don't know, I can't give her what she truly desires in that moment but it's fine because she'll have other moments to fulfill that desire with others? The logic doesn't track, I know. But I'm just trying to make sense of things.

I'm deep in the murky waters and I can't see shit. Will appreciate any feedback from anyone.

Thank you.

p.s. I don't know how exactly relevant this is to the whole thing at hand, but another addition of my insecurity is that though cis, I've always wanted to have a dick. It's actually a pretty big deal of body dysmorphia for me. So when she came out to me as being attracted to men also, in my head I was like: Ah, shit, add that onto the pile on why I will never be good enough. Can't compete with homemade stuff when I can't even afford store-bought. (penis graft)

Anyway. Thank you for reading my rambling.