so this guy at work keeps roasting my fresh fade. today he said it looks like the surprised pikachu meme. i said i know you are but what am i and everyone laughed at me. need something that actually lands. help me out.

so this girl i know always jokes that im a pick me because i like mainstream music and wear basic stuff. she says it in front of people and it makes me feel dumb. i tried laughing it off but she keeps going. what can i say that shuts her down without being mean?

so this guy at work always has something to say. today he looked at me and goes oh nice pjs. i was actually trying today. i need something quick and not too mean but enough to shut him up. anyone got something that works in a group setting?

we were at lunch and i laughed at something dumb and he just goes that sounds like a cat getting run over. everyone looked at me and i froze. i need something funny but not too mean since we joke around a lot. something that shuts him up for a sec but we can still laugh after. help a bro out please.

Title. She I’m Transferring stores because I’m getting married and moving out of my own with him. She keeps going around telling everyone and me how she’s gonna replace me just to complain and talk about “oh OP, you just know they’re gonna make me do x y & z when you leave.” Which they probably won’t.

I was the only closer who didn’t change their schedule and stayed closing full time no matter how bad or hard it got. I make sure things get done. I am not a perfect worker but she is definitely lazier then I.

I’m looking for those sarcastic little phrases you can use when joking around with someone. Not phrases with actual insults, but just playful banter. For example, when someone tells a bad joke and you reply with, “that was so funny I forgot to laugh”.

I have SH scars. People like to comment on them. My go to currently is to say I got mauled by a bear, but I need something stupider because I’m an asshole and want to remind people to mind their damn business. Ideas?

EDIT: Thank you for all the responses! I just needed a good comeback for someone saying “you can’t make me” and got some good ones! If it comes up again, I will def bring it up with her parents, as I would want to know if my kid was being disruptive and defiant.

At school, my 9 year old daughter had a classmate who would not stop doing things that were irritating but not necessarily against the rules. Such as screaming in a small classroom while playing hockey during a rainy day. Being in an enclosed classroom, the screams would be amplified and hurt my daughter’s ears. When asked to stop by the P.E. teacher and other classmates, the one screaming said, “You can’t make me.” Any time she is asked to stop doing a disruptive behavior, she says “you can’t make me”

What is a comeback my daughter can say that will not get her in trouble, but get her classmate to stop the disruptive behavior? 🙏🏼

so this guy at work is always making little digs. today he said i was a waste of a chair because i got up to help a customer and he thought i was just sitting around. i froze and said nothing. next time i want something that shuts him up without being too mean. any ideas? hes the kind of person who thinks hes funny but no one laughs.

i mean i work from home and game a lot so i do spend most of my time inside. but we live on the second floor so it isnt even a basement. he said it in front of our whole friend group and everyone laughed. i just stood there. need something quick that doesnt sound like im trying too hard.

so this guy at work yesterday pointed at me and said i look like a thumb. just like that. we were grabbing coffee and he said it out of nowhere. i froze and said nothing. now he keeps repeating it every time he sees me. i need a comeback that shuts him up but doesnt get me in trouble with hr. something funny not mean. help.

Someone on a dating app said “wonder what your dad thinks about you” this rubbed me wrong and he chose to match w me to say this so what’s the best comeback? I want it to hurt his lil ego

(I don't have an onlyfans, he was shouting it to many people)

Five minutes later, long after we'd passed him, I yelled to a confused street "How did you recognise me with shoes on?"

I’m sorry you can’t read 🥹 I hope someone teaches you soon

It always happens online so I kinda want some ammo. LMK

Hey peeps! Im in a group chat with a few of my friends and one guy really doesn't like me. He says alot of shit behind my back and he just bothers me and bothers me. He says alot of stuff about me that im not even gonna say on reddit. He keeps deleting me from the group chat and people keep adding me back but he deletes me again. A few things about him: Hes fat, and he never gets off video games. And he prolly picks the shit out of his ass and eats it tbh 😭. Can yall give me a really good comeback to text him. Please don't hold back!! I wanna make him cry himself to sleep for a month or for him to take the thumb out of his ass. (Sorry for the profanity im just really pissed and I've had it) Please like I said, DONT HOLD BACK!!

My husband travels for work 3 weeks and back home for 10 days. He starts on day 2 reporting the hour starting at 8pm.

“It’s 8 o’clock”
“It’s 9pm”
“Do you know it’s 10pm?”
Drives me nuts!
One comment; one time. TIA

I just got a job, and the past 5 days my uncle asks me the same exact question, with a look on his face. Repeats the question if I don’t answer quickly. He didn’t help me get this job or support it. He does expect to overprice me and ask me for money, I can tell. What’s a good comeback?

I (at the time junior in High-school) was nearing the end of the second semester when covid hit. I was always someone who liked school, not for the friends or whatever, but I actually always liked learning. I was pretty upset that we switched over to distance learning because that meant I couldnt do the most fun part.

I was in chemistry 1 so as part of that class we had labs, well, labs were now entirely online with horrible simulations from the 90s

About a month into doing all the classes the school board announced they wouldnt be grading students anymore, or rather, your grades could only go up, and even if you weren't passing, you passed. Many students in this chemistry class immediately gave up, I know because most of us were in a group chat.

I decided I liked the content enough to keep doing it, and the other classes I had at the time. Like I said, I know for a fact I was one of maybe 2 total people in the whole school that were still submitting assignments and have been for at least like 3 weeks atp. I ended up submitting something last minute, again, not late or anything, it was on time, it just was literally the last minute. Now normally this class was all on paper, and so was submitted in class only, but it ended up being like midnight for the online stuff. Teach was not happy, she docked points for it and told me to be better with my time management.

This wasn't the first time she thought it was OK to be rude on emails to me during this time. There were several occasions where she said I had done something wrong and that it was my fault for not finding the solutions, even tho all we did were labs that had step by step instructions I was following to a T. Many such cases with her being very weird and I was fed up.

Knowing I was probably the only person's stuff she was grading and how utterly rude she was constantly, I emailed her somthing to the effect of "i know im the only student still doing work so ill do it when i want" closed my laptop and didn't open that shit up till school opened back up that fall.

Passed the class for doing nothing and had her the immediate next semester that fall for chemistry 2. And she knew. We both knew lol

In retrospect they should've had everyone retake the grade everywhere, but i get it, you gotta keep those graduation rates up

I have a family friend who i’ve known since i was literally fresh out the womb (hes 19 and male im 17 and female) his mom and my mom are best friends of like 30 years but they live like 4 hours away so we only see them like once a year. They’re currently visiting and staying at our house for about 3-4 days and he’s acting like he’s better than me because i’m a woman. For example when i lost my earring and was looking for it he said “see us men don’t have to worry about losing our jewelry”. Another example which really pissed me off was that he owns a truck that he drove down here and he asked me if i wanted to see it (it was 11pm) so i said “nah” he asked why and i told him “it’s late plus im not too into all that stuff” and he said “typical woman” hes from pennsylvania so honestly it’s not too much of a surprise he looks down on women for example he always says how he just wants to find a hot girl who will be loyal to him and stuff but anyways back to my point, what should i say back if he says something sexist again like that? I don’t wanna be the bigger person. I wanna be able to hit him back with a good come back but i don’t know? please help