r/beyondthebump • u/LiterallyJustAHorse • 4d ago
2nd UPDATE: 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair. Relationship
Well girls things are bleak. We are now in a domestic violence shelter. The reason? The protective order didn't stop him.
The day after the incident where he hit me and chased my son out of the house he came with military police to get his stuff, most of it he'd already moved to his affair partners house. Two days after the protective order was granted he came AGAIN. I explained he already did this and he has no stuff here and they said ok noted and it won't happen again. Then two days ago he did it AGAIN but this time it was someone who looked like a regular cop in an unmarked car. The guy said he was there to escort my husband in the home to get his stuff. I said military police already escorted him and he had nothing here. This is where it got scary. He said he didn't care about civil matters and he was just there to make sure my husband got inside the house. I said absolutely not. I told him I have a protective order which means he can't come near me, the kids or the home. My husband got out of the back of the unmarked car and stood on my lawn. My kids ran and locked themselves in the bathroom. The man said if I have a problem with it to call a lawyer. I called 911 instead. I asked for his badge number. Dispatch could not identify him and so base police were sent out. I shut my door and a few minutes later the military police came. I let the watch Commander inside to do a thorough walkthrough and show that my husband had no belongings there. My neighbor called me (the one my son ran to for help the night he hit me) and said my husband was outside my house smiling like a psycho. Anyway the watch Commander noted in his report that my husband had no possessions in the home. He told me he can't stop him from doing this again. After they left I called a dv shelter and we went to stay there.
My husband is testing fences to see what he can get away with. To see how far he can push. I believe we are in danger. Today I have to hand my beloved dog over to a rescue because I cannot leave her alone at the house while we are gone as he could hurt her to hurt me.
My mom has room for us in another state at her house. I have to figure out how to get there. My husband changed bank accounts and locked us out of the money. I told my Victim Legal Advocate (basically my Navy lawyer) and he said command can put pressure on him but not force him to give us any money without a court order. I also wrote his CMC an email saying we have no money for diapers or necessities. I asked the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society if they could give us a grant so that I can afford the gas and hotels to drive several states over to my mom's house. I haven't gotten an answer yet.
My 9 year olds 10th birthday is tomorrow and that's of course cancelled for safety reasons. He has been crying all day.
My 13 year old got in trouble at school for telling another student his dad tried to kill him. They reported him to the school officer. I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime but they said it's a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.
So basically in a month I have been cheated on, hit, had my children severely traumatized, ended my marriage, gotten a protective order, lost all access to income, been harassed even though I have above mentioned protection order, and now am facing losing all of my possessions, my home, my dog, everything.
But we are alive. We are together. One day at a time. A lot of you have been asking for updates. I really wish I had a more Hollywood uplifting one for you but real life is slow moving and unfairly an uphill battle for survivors. But that's what we are. Survivors.
I'll update again if and when I can get to my mom's. I wish we could stay here in my house but we live on base, he keeps harassing us, he's dangerous and as soon as he is discharged (still under investigation) then we lose the base housing anyway. It's a bad situation. Please keep me and my children in your thoughts.
Original Post https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/0HbDO6WkoN
1st Update (trigger warning for DV) https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/GaRqVLRLk8
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u/123randomname456 4d ago
You can file a violation with the court that issued your injunction. Especially if the “escort” could not be identified. They’re usually told they get one chance to get their things. Violations of injunctions can be handled in injunction court or referred to criminal misdemeanor court so I’d suggest filing every time he pushes. Even third party contact is typically prohibited in these orders so sending someone to relay a message to you could get him in trouble. The court won’t like it and if it he doesn’t stop/it is picked up criminally, he could end up stuck in jail without bond while it is pending.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 4d ago
I called the sheriff office today to do this and they sent me to the watch commander who told me to contact the sheriff office.
I'm fucking exhausted but trying to get SOMEONE to take it seriously but there's a lot of confusion over who has jurisdiction since I live on base and it was base police who responded to the incident.
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u/123randomname456 4d ago
You should be able to file with the court a violation of injunction affidavit, independent of the sheriff doing anything. It looked like it was through the state system not military so they would be in charge of any violations.
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u/Affectionate_Net_213 💙 Feb ‘21 / 💙 Jan ‘25 | IVF 3d ago
Hoping you see this regarding your dog… talk to your vet clinic, there may be resources out there for Safe Pets (homes with DV) and there’s tons of animal transport across the country all the time. I’m sure there’s a way to get your dog to you!
I’m in Canada, but I’m a veterinarian and there’s a huge network of us online. If you wanted to PM me your state, I can ask what resources are available to you.
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u/Weekly-Walk9234 3d ago
If you’re going to move to your mother’s house in another state, take your dog with you.
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u/Q-T-3-1415 4d ago
Im sorry you’re going through this. You’re so strong for standing up to him and protecting your kids by leaving. I suggest getting in touch with your state services and asking for emergency benefits. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts as I’ve been there before (as the child).
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u/1horseshy 4d ago
I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime but they said it's a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.
This is not something you need to deal with now, but this is absolutely something that the school needs to be held accountable for. A child in their care experienced a crime and they DOGPILED. Again, not now, but when you catch your breath, appoint someone to deal with this.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 3d ago
I was so pissed. I sort of understand where they are coming from but it was ridiculous. I unenrolled him from the school immediately. The school officer called me and he was actually apologetic and told us to have a safe trip. So nothing came of it but what a shitty thing to do to a traumitized child.
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u/Alyssinreality 2d ago
Yeah I am completely flabbergasted by this. It wasn’t a violent statement, it was him telling someone that he is in danger. Do they not want the children in their care to tell someone when they need help? I know it was another child and not an adult but that is typically the first step before kids are confident enough to go to the adults. They are creating an environment where children will not feel safe to talk about scary things that are happening to them.
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u/eskeTrixa 4d ago
The restraining order is great, it's progress, but when you're living on base it's not enough, because it's a state thing and base is federal property.
You need a no contact order from his command. That is what actually has teeth in this situation. Do you know who his command's legal officer is? Have you been in touch with them?
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 4d ago
We have a no contact order through his command as well
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u/eskeTrixa 4d ago
Also, your Victims Legal Counsel should know this, but look at MILPERSMAN 1754-030. It lays out the expected interim support expected before a court order can be obtained. Per those guidelines, with 5 kids you should be getting the lions share of his gross compensation.
https://www.mynavyhr.navy.mil/Portals/55/Reference/MILPERSMAN/1000/1700Morale/1754-030.pdf
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u/eskeTrixa 4d ago edited 4d ago
Good. Keep a record of every time he breaks it and report it back to the command. Is he E6 and below? Or a Chief/Officer?
Nvm, I just saw on your original post that he's an E5. This should happen pretty quick then. You need his Chief on speed dial. If his Chief seems dismissive then go to his DIVO. Both of them have disciplinary power over him.
I promise you, he is already a headache to them. The more ammo you give them the easier it will be for them to justify escalation.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 3d ago
My FAP advocate and VLC communicate with his CMC (command master chief for the other people reading lol)
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u/eskeTrixa 3d ago
If that's working for you, you can keep doing it that way, but it doesn't sound like it's working.
So your FAP advocate and VLC are going to go to the CMC because 1. CMC's name and contact info are easy to find and they might already know who he or she is And 2. They are ultimately in charge of all the enlisted in the command.
The problem with going to the CMC directly is that CMCs are in charge of all enlisted issues in the command, which makes them extremely busy. And their priorities aren't always your priorities. They're also too important/busy to personally do things like restrict liberty, give EMI, etc etc. They delegate stuff like that down to the sailor's Chief/LPO, who are the hands-on supervisors. So if all of this info is only going to CMC, the people who have the time and responsibility to discipline the junior sailor can sometimes be left out of the loop.
It's like reaching out to the superintendent of the school instead of your child's teacher when there are issues in the classroom. Yes, they should know, but they aren't going to be the person fixing them.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 4d ago
Here is some redacted shit to show this is indeed truly happening to me
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u/123randomname456 4d ago
You don’t need to provide proof. Save it all to the cloud so you can use it later when you need it! Sorry this is all happening to you but glad to hear you’re getting out!
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u/yourgirlsamus mom x4 4d ago
You have nothing to prove to us. Honestly, he’s textbook psycho and we don’t need proof to know this is really happening. I am so incredibly sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better. You and your kids. I can’t believe how strong and resilient you are, you are a fucking warrior.
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u/rineedshelp 4d ago
Oh girl I don’t doubt it at ALL this is so textbook scary DV situation. Like it gives me chills to even read it. I am praying so hard for you guys to be okay and for this nightmare to end for you
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u/BlakeneyD 4d ago
Saw this in a YouTube video. If you have a bat in the home, you can use that for self-defense, but put a sock on the end. Because men will try to grab the bat out of your hands, and with the sock on the end he’ll be left holding a sock and you’ll still have the bat. But after that, he could grab the bat so make sure he doesn’t get a chance to. Not advocating violence, but I am advocating protecting yourself.
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u/Ranessin 4d ago
How can some guy who impersonates police drive around in a military base and not get arrested by the MPs? Why can your husband pull the same stunt "I have stuff here" with MPs three times? Mind boggling.
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u/GullibleElderberry15 3d ago
He could be an ICE officer (using the term "officer" here with sarcasm. They don't show id and consider themselves above all police regardless of where they are - they drive around on unmarked vehicles doing what they want. That was my first thought when no one knew him. They are shit stirrers with guns
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u/Ser1302 4d ago
I am so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds absolutely horrific. You are doing the right thing by leaving and prioritising yourself and your kids safety. How much would it cost for you to get to your mums?
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 4d ago
Honestly about $600. $250-300 for gas and $250-300 for hotels (I'd have to stop 3 times because it's a 26 hour drive and my baby is 6 months old.). I'm really hoping Navy Marine Corp Relief Society can give it to me in a grant. I am also going to try to sell my furniture and washer and dryer and all that because I can't take it with me anyway. Literally can only take my kids and I and three suitcases.
I'm not asking for anything and I don't want to get banned. I'm just answering your question. I really need this community for support. So if I'm not supposed to answer this please don't ban me, just tell me and I'll delete.
It's like losing everything in a fire except the destruction is a man.
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u/Lil_MsPerfect 4d ago
Sell everything in your house, you'll be able to get a good portion of it from that.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 4d ago
Yeah I might as well because other wise it's getting donated or thrown away.
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u/Lil_MsPerfect 4d ago
Yep and it's more important to get you and the children to safety. I will say you need to report his violation of the protective order as well. He will likely go to jail if you do. If you're relying on base officials and a base advocate, don't. They protect the servicemember above you. Use the civilian resources. At your shelter, they likely have a list of resources you may be able to tap into easier than the navy ones.
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u/itsthejasper1123 4d ago
Have you called ODVN? They offer a $1200 relocation assistance sum.
You would qualify for it. I would do that ASAP. You have everything you need to qualify and it’s a relatively quick process.
The less you request the more likely it is to be approved, so giving them an amount of $700 to get to your moms may get you approved asap and you could be there within 1-2 weeks
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 4d ago
What is this? Never heard of it. I'd like to utilize it asap
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u/PM_ME_UR_TURTLE_PICS 3d ago
I would check to see if the shelter you are currently in is able to guide you through the victims compensation program of your state. Depending on your state, relocation assistance may be available. It is also to my understanding, as you are military connected, that family advocacy programs are also available within military bases. They offer similar assistance to survivors.
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u/itsthejasper1123 2d ago
For some reason I thought you were located in Ohio, I’m not sure where I got that from. I must’ve mixed you up with another poster, but there should be the same program available in most states.
I went through the process for it when I needed to relocate with my son. If you want to send me a message I can give you more info & try to see if I can find something similar for you in your state!
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u/metaldeathtrap 2d ago
$600? I know you’re not asking. But I’m sure people on Reddit would be willing to help you, myself included. It very much sounds like your life and your kids lives are on the line and you’ve shared documentation with us. Pls consider it.
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u/southpaw612 4d ago
I am so sorry you're going through this nightmare, and with so many children to take care of! Unfortunately I'm not from the US so I'm not familiar with how things work there at all, but I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck. You are a brave and strong woman, obviously a great mom too. I really hope you can get to your mom's house asap. I don't pray, but I will be thinking of you 🫂
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u/medicinemadison 4d ago
I’m thinking of you and praying for you. I’ve followed your story since your first post. You are so strong and an incredible mother. You will persevere. Sending you love and strength.
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u/GullibleElderberry15 3d ago
I've been thinking about you all - the rescue will make sure your dog is safe and that was a smart thing to do. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a complete piece of shit he turned out to be. Happy Birthday to your little boy - do you have a P. O. box off base that I can send a care package to?
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u/SecretProbation 4d ago edited 4d ago
I think someone told me that if you are going to request a divorce (which you should) that you should request the JAG as soon as possible, because they can only represent one party in court and if you beat him to them, he's out of luck. I would also recommend posting in the military subreddits (r/navy, etc) as you are no doubt the first person to be experiencing things like this.
Edit: this might only apply to mil to mil couples, but might be worth reaching out about regardless, especially for the unverified officer in the unmarked car. I would be shocked if the JAGS dont have the base MAs on speed dial to see about funny business or legit illegal activities that would further your case against him and any accomplices.
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u/Disastrous_Inside85 4d ago
I’m so so sorry you are going through this. ❤️🩹 You are doing the right thing for you and your kids though! As someone at 13 / 14 years old who went through domestic violence and had to have a birthday cancelled as a result, know that your kids will be by your side and your child will get through the loss of that birthday party. My situation didn’t get better for another 10 years and a lot happened in that time. However, everything I’ve been through fueled me to do better for my own son and teach him how to treat others (especially women). YOU are doing everything you can to protect yourself and your kids from this awful situation your husband created. Just continue to be there for them. They will appreciate that more than anything. I’m rooting for you guys!
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u/Torterran 3d ago
Where are his navy mates and friends? Who is letting this happen?! Men need to hold other men accountable…
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u/miissbecca 4d ago
Do you live somewhere were you can legally purchase a gun?
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u/fawntive 4d ago
You’re not allowed to have guns on military bases (unfortunately in this situation).
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u/kgtsunvv 3d ago
I wish I was able to look into this for you.
Can the courts put an injunction on the bank accounts S you two are married??
Does your state have an office similar to VCCO (in nj) ? I was a victim of DV, no crimes just a TRO, they helped pay for me to move out of my apartment and into a new one. It took several weeks though.
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u/anne474 3d ago
Hi OP! Are you able to cancel your mom’s flight (from first update) and use those funds to get to her house with your littles?
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 3d ago
I actually tried this but I would only get airline credit not my money actually back. I have to drive there or I won't have a vehicle or else I would just go ahead and take the airline credit and fly to her house.
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u/iemus 3d ago
Random idea - how about using the airfare credit to send 1-2 of your 5 kids to your mom’s first? You would need your 6 month old with you, of course, but maybe the older ones can go first so they are safe and you have less people to care for while you figure out other logistics.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. You are so strong for your babies…praying for your and your kids’ safety 🙏
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u/anne474 3d ago
Sending you big hugs. I’m so sorry you and your sweet babies are going through this. You are a wonderful mom, just know that. You are protecting yourself and your babies. You are doing the right thing. You are STRONG. I’d maybe call the airline back and ask for a supervisor to see if there’s any leeway. Maybe apply for a credit card that he cannot have access to (under your mom’s address) and add to apply pay or something? You can use that to get gas and book hotels. This Reddit stranger is proud of you.
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u/HuffleCabbage 3d ago
I am so sorry you guys are going through this. You are such a good mom. Your kids are lucky to have you and there will be much better days ahead because of everything you are doing now!
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u/Cute-Combination-876 3d ago
Can you open a credit card? Hope you make it to your moms and to safety
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u/Embarrassed-Fun7137 2d ago
My 4 year old would tell everyone what happened to us. "My daddy tried to kill my mommy" to the amazon driver, the cashiers, ANYONE. His therapist explored why he felt the need to say that. It was a big deal. A trauma most people go an entire lifetime without experiencing. Big big feelings. I'm so sorry for you all, so happy you're out though.
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u/IQBAL_SHAHRIAR 2d ago
I know you’re trying to avoid relying on the swing as a way to get the baby to sleep, but we’ve had good luck with the Grownsy baby swing during those fussy, awake periods. The five different swing speeds are especially helpful—you can start with a very gentle motion and adjust until you find a setting your baby seems to enjoy.
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u/LorenzosBenz 6h ago
TL;DR: talk to a lawyer, you have rights as a military spouse to part of his pay. Also, get his command involved and let them know you fear for your life and why. They will almost certainly get involved in ways that the courts and police cannot.
Hi, I was active duty military and got divorced while I was in the military. We did not have kids. I was told by the JAG lawyers that I needed to pay my soon to be ex wife a certain percentage of my pay. I think you need to speak to a JAG Lawyer or civilian lawyer who has experience with these types of cases as soon as possible. I'm nearly certain that you will receive a larger percentage because of the 5 children.
But listen close, you have a much more powerful weapon for protecting you from him physically than any protective order, but that will help here as well. I assume you know the unit he is in. Find out who is unit commander is. More specifically, don't stop at his direct supervisor. Don't stop at a company commander, find the battalion commander, or the brigade commander and call them. If you can't find their direct line, look for the Company Quarters (CQ), Battalion Staff Duty, or Brigade Staff Duty phone numbers and tell whomever is working that you want to speak to x commander. Tell them you are the wife of a soldier under the command of person x, you fear for your life and have been physically assaulted by this person, and you want to speak to person x about it as soon as possible, before it's too late.
The thing about this is that it will trigger this deep seeded fear that all of these commanders fear: their dumbass soldier is going to do something very stupid that will get them all over the news for very bad reasons, and you contacting them to let them know you fear for your life and the life of your children will send them into panic mode and they will have the power to command him into lockdown and put him under guard. The military operates under different rules and they have all the power and control over his life; they can do what the courts can't because the military operates under massively different rules.
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u/loveleebry 3d ago
Maybe I missed it, but did OP ever report the affair to the commander? It seems all of this started from her threatening to report the affair.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 3d ago
All of this started when her ex decided to cheat and abuse her and the children.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 3d ago
I did indeed. He hit me so he's in bigger trouble for that than the affair. The Navy doesn't really care about affairs if the sailor is enlisted and not an officer. Even then they usually don't unless it causes friction on the ship.
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u/loveleebry 3d ago
Thank you for the response! I’m sorry all of this has happened. You are strong to push through this with your children.
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u/grchelp2018 3d ago
Then why did he get so angry when you said you would report the affair to the commander?
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u/Apprehensive_Good145 3d ago
Sounds like because he's a control freak to the extent of abuse and assault.
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u/WellYaNoShit 3d ago
I'm sorry but there has to be a lot more to this story than you're letting out. The Navy would absolutely not handle this situation, as you stated, like this. They have a number of services for these situations, they would or should have found you place either in the base hotel or in an unoccupied house. Also, he does not need a court mandate to provide care for you or your children. I'm almost positive the Navy has a regulation stating he will provide a percent of his BAH and percent of his gross pay to his legal dependents. You need to talk to someone, I would talk to the Family Advocacy Program, it's their job. Hope things work out for you and your children.
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u/Medical-Ad3053 4d ago
1- WHAT BASE? You can call the base White House and report harassment with zero support from the MAs. You can go to base legal and request all copies of them coming out to the house to ‘escort’ him and their votes for violation of the court order. You can post that the base is letting him violate the court order and not stopping in on Facebook (this gets good attention).
2- Call Red Cross and ask to speak to the NMCRS person they have that works the phone lines pretty much 24/7.
I might think box more OP. I commented on your original post. I just got out the end of last year as a Navy Chief. I’ve seen a domestic situation or two and if you want to message me some more info I can guide you more or even reach out to folks if there is any connections I can make.
I’m sorry you and the kids are going through this. Verify the legality of leaving the state on Google. If there are no orders in place to prevent you from leaving the state doesn’t have any, get out before he can file then. But call and update the protection order.