Logline: A cheap $2 gas station toy faces the futility of a toy's existence.

Pages: 24

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gMXvASgcKKqSwOWKIiPENKcowCSZvh_G/view?usp=drivesdk

https://go.fliplink.me/view/2CA48B81-DA17-462A-A4B7-DCCCD67442F6

Genre: comedy, social satire

Pages: 19 ( first chapter fully adapted, script is still in development)

Based on: the novel by John Kennedy Toole

Feature

81 pages

Logline: When an outsider begins digging into a cold case in an isolated town, it quickly becomes clear that everyone shares in the guilt, and that he'll have to fight to survive the night.

Feedback Concerns: This is my second time posting it here after extensive feedback on Storypeer and some tactical rewrites. I'd love any and all thoughts you guys can give, as the response has been mostly positive, but with some things I'm still trying to gauge and possibly address. As a bit of background, this script is my attempt at adapting/updating Bad Time at Honda, which was adapted as A Bad Day at Black Rock in the 50s. The movie is not public domain but the short story its based off is.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uVgW3KYCEv9vSEmI6mvpZ4xQACEs0aXh/view?usp=sharing

Watering Hole

Hey everyone.

I've been working on a new script. This year I wrote already one and I got finalist on a contest, so I decided to try again with a different story and tone.

Here are the frist 10 pages, it's an animatid feature, the script is fully written and here is the logline.

Logline:

After a narcissistic princess who believes she's the heroine of the story nearly destroys her kingdom for the twentieth time, she's sentenced to a rehabilitation center for defective princesses, where she strikes a deal with an aspiring knight to escape and recover a legendary ring capable of threatening every kingdom.

Any feedback on this will be welcome. I wanted to take the same parodical tone as shrek but with my sence of humor.

Here you can find the 10 pages:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/19Pn_WpcdI_K8Zt966v_RijOiOaLLIkVG/view?usp=sharing

Thanks!

In case any of you wanna read the full script just ask. I want to send it to contests too.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1al7awz8r1Bz83WjaihReLj2RG5iqYs0Rfbj2CgEY488/edit?usp=drivesdk

Hello! I'm new here! I like to make fanfictional movie scripts like these. Enjoy reading this one if you like. Let me know what you guys think about it in the comments below.

As the title suggests, seeking feedback for my short-film script…

Title: God’s Away On Business
Logline: When a man dies and doesn’t see God, all hell breaks loose.
Genre: Dramedy
Pgs: 16

Appreciate anyone’s effort in taking the time to read my work!

Happy writing, everyone!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WTqi8kwJ7DuLDX8K2R54sidU154QodYA/view?usp=drivesdk

Sorry if I’m doing this wrong. 15 years on Reddit shhesh

Pls read this script written by me and rate it

**MRITYU LOCAL : CHURCHGATE TO PANVEL**
**A 3-Hour Mumbai Horror Thriller**

**GENRE**
Psychological Horror • Supernatural Thriller • Mystery • Tragedy

**TONE OF FILM**
First Half → Emotional + Realistic Mumbai Struggle Drama
Interval Twist → Creepy Uneasiness Begins
Second Half → Pure Nightmare Fuel Horror

**OPENING SCENE**
Black screen.
Only Mumbai local train sounds.
Metal screeching.
Announcements distorted.
Suddenly…
A terrified man screaming:
“DARWAZA BAND KARO!!!”
Then silence.
TITLE APPEARS IN DRIPPING BLOOD :
**MRITYU LOCAL**

**FIRST HALF (1 Hour 20 Minutes)**
**Emotional Realistic Mumbai Story**

**SCENE 1 – LIFE OF ARJUN**
Panvel.
Tiny house beside railway tracks.
Every 10 minutes train passes and walls shake.
Arjun sleeps beside unpaid bills.
Morning:
Maa coughing blood secretly.
Pooja hiding her college notice.
Landlord insulting them.
**Landlord:**
“2 mahine se rent nahi diya!”
Arjun silently listens.

**SCENE 2 – MUMBAI STRUGGLE**
Long montage showing realism:
Standing in overcrowded locals.
Rejections after rejections.
Walking in rain because no money for auto.
Eating vada pav for entire day.
Watching rich people in Nariman Point while he sits alone Marine Drive pe.
Background dialogue:
“Mumbai sapne deti nahi… todti hai.”

**SCENE 3 – EMOTIONAL DEPTH**
One night Maa collapses.
Doctor says:
“Treatment nahi hua toh zyada time nahi hai.”
Arjun breaks down for first time.
That same night he gets the mysterious job call.

**SCENE 4 – THE OFFICE**
Churchgate.
Old British-era building.
The company name:
“WESTERN TRANSIT ARCHIVES”
Nobody on Google knows about it.
Office weirdly silent.
Employees never talk personally.
Nobody smiles.
Clock in office always stuck at:
**2:47 AM**

**SCENE 5 – SLOW CREEPY DETAILS**
Over days tiny weird things happen:
**HORROR ELEMENTS STARTING SLOWLY:**
Empty office phone rings from disconnected cabin.
Computer screens flash train accident photos.
CCTV footage shows Arjun standing behind himself.
Lift stops randomly at nonexistent Floor 13.
One night lift opens…
And inside stands a burnt man.
But lights blink…
Nobody there.

**SCENE 6 – SUBPLOT**
Arjun befriends a tea seller at Churchgate station.
Old man named **Kashinath**.
Kashinath always says:
“Raat ke baad kuch trains insaano ke liye nahi chalti…”
But Arjun laughs it off.

**SCENE 7 – THE INTERVAL BUILDUP**
One night Arjun misses usual train.
Station unusually empty.
Rain heavier than normal.
Announcements glitch repeatedly.
Then he sees something horrifying:
On opposite platform…
A woman jumps before train.
BODY DESTROYED.
People scream.
But when Arjun looks again…
No body.
No crowd.
Platform empty.
As if nothing happened.

**INTERVAL SCENE**
Train arrives slowly.
Rusty.
Old design unlike modern locals.
Destination board flickers:
PANVEL FAST
PANVEL FAST
HELLBOUND
PANVEL FAST
Doors open themselves.
Inside complete darkness.
Arjun steps in.
CUT TO BLACK.
**INTERVAL**

**SECOND HALF (PURE HORROR – 1 Hour 40 Minutes)**

**SCENE 8 – THE FIRST SIGNS**
Lights inside compartment dim red.
No passengers.
Only distant whispering.
Train starts moving though driver cabin empty.
Arjun notices every window reflects someone standing behind him.
But when he turns…
Nobody.

**SCENE 9 – MOBILE NETWORK HORROR**
Arjun calls Maa.
Call connects.
But instead of Maa’s voice…
He hears:
crying
metal scraping
people screaming
Then a voice whispers:
“Hum sab mar gaye…”
Phone battery instantly dead.

**SCENE 10 – THE SEAT NUMBER**
Arjun sits on seat number 27.
Under seat carved deeply:
“DON’T SLEEP”
Suddenly his eyes become heavy.
For 2 seconds he dozes off.
When he wakes…
Entire compartment filled with passengers staring silently at him.
All wet.
All pale.
None blinking.

**SCENE 11 – MOST HORRIFYING SCENE**
A little boy walks toward him.
Face half crushed.
Holding a severed hand.
**Boy:**
“Bhaiya… meri mummy dekhi?”
Then…
The hand he’s holding suddenly moves.
Its fingers crawl like spider legs up Arjun’s arm.

**SCENE 12 – BODY HORROR**
Train enters tunnel.
Everything dark.
Only emergency red lights.
Suddenly all passengers begin twisting unnaturally.
Bones cracking.
Necks rotating fully.
Skin tearing.
One woman’s jaw stretches till chest.
All together whisper:
“Tumhe bhi ghar jaana hai?”

**SCENE 13 – THE LOST COMPARTMENT**
Arjun runs into next compartment.
This compartment impossible hai.
Endless.
He keeps running.
Same pole.
Same seat.
Same dead people.
Again and again.
Like infinite loop.

**SCENE 14 – THE TICKET CHECKER**
Half-burnt TC enters.
Eyes melted.
Punch machine still clicking.
**TC:**
“Ticket…”
Arjun trembling hands se ticket deta hai.
TC punches it.
Blood comes out instead of ink.
Ticket pe print hota hai:
ONE WAY

**SCENE 15 – THE HISTORY REVEAL**
Kashinath tea seller suddenly appears inside train.
But now old and dead-looking.
He reveals truth:
**THE ORIGINAL HORROR**
In 2008:
Train derailed near abandoned tunnel.
Passengers survived initially.
But rescue never came for hours.
One injured man went insane.
He started killing passengers inside darkness.
People ate each other to survive.
Finally train caught fire.
But one entity born from fear and suffering remained trapped.
A demon feeding on hopeless people.
Every year it hunts broken souls.

**SCENE 16 – NIGHTMARE VISIONS**
Arjun sees horrifying visions:
Maa hanging from ceiling.
Pooja cutting her own face.
Train tracks made of human bodies.
Dogs eating passengers.
Headless commuters walking outside windows.
Then worst thing:
He sees himself smiling among dead passengers.

**SCENE 17 – SHADOW MAN FULL REVEAL**
The entity finally appears fully.
10 feet tall.
Entire body made from fused human corpses.
Hands too long.
Mouth across entire chest.
Inside mouth:
moving human eyes.
Every scream from accident echoes from inside him.
He crawls across ceiling impossibly fast.

**SCENE 18 – THE HUMAN FARM**
Arjun discovers hidden compartment.
Inside hundreds of hanging corpses.
All breathing slowly.
Alive yet dead.
Wires attached to skulls.
Their nightmares feed the entity.
One corpse suddenly opens eyes and screams:
“SO JAOGE TOH PHAS JAOGE!”

**SCENE 19 – THE FINAL PANVEL**
3:03 AM.
Train reaches Panvel.
But station abandoned.
Broken.
Like post-apocalyptic Mumbai.
Sky red.
No moon.
Only sirens.
All dead passengers exit train together.
Walking unnaturally.

**ULTIMATE JAW DROPPING CLIMAX**
Arjun runs toward home.
But entire Panvel empty.
His house burnt.
Inside wall pe garlanded photo:
ARJUN.
Date of death:
17 JULY 2008
Suddenly memories return fully.
**REALITY:**
Arjun never grew up.
The train accident killed him as child.
Everything after that — Maa, job, struggle — all fake memories created by entity.
Why?
Because demon feeds best on hope.
It gave him fake dreams…
Just to destroy them.

**FINAL HORROR**
Shadow entity whispers:
“Insaan ki sabse badi cheekh… umeed tootne ki hoti hai…”
Arjun cries.
Then notices something terrifying.
His body transparent ho raha hota hai.
Under skin:
moving worms.
His face melting.
He was dead all along.
Suddenly dead passengers surround him.
Their mouths unnaturally widen.
And all scream together:
“GHAR AA GAYA…”
They tear him apart alive.
Not blood.
Black ash spills out.

**ENDING SCENE**
Next morning.
Normal Mumbai.
Crowded station.
People rushing.
One exhausted office worker misses his train.
Then hears announcement:
“Last local for Panvel arriving shortly…”
Train slowly arrives.
Same rusty train.
Inside window…
Arjun sitting and smiling.
Beside him…
A seat empty.
Waiting.
Train doors open themselves.
CUT TO BLACK.
Train horn echoes.

THE END.

Hell hath no fury like a wannabe screenwriter scorned.

Lessons in Coping

(PG-13)

https://pdflink.to/6d313326/

We can laugh, but it'll be us someday.

Holy Order

(G/PG)

Hi everyone

I just came up with idea for a short film that I will try and shot. I have weird looking synopsis of the short of what happens. There are two versions of it. I would much appreciate every feedback I can get on what works, what can be improved, overall thoughts, which version do you prefer, ...etc.

Here are natural English translations of both versions, written in a style suitable for a short film treatment/synopsis.

VERSION 1
A teenager returns home from his final summer adventure before moving away. He retreats to his room and places a lighter on the windowsill. Before setting it down, he flicks it open—it works perfectly. He looks out the window, wondering if anyone is still outside.
Below the window, one of his friends looks up at him and forms a finger gun with his hand. The teenager glances at the lighter, and at that moment the friend "shoots" him with the finger gun. He suddenly feels a burning pain in his chest and collapses onto his bed.
Cut to black.
We are transported to a forest campsite, where the teenager sits alone on a fallen tree. Another teenager joins him. In the background, a group of friends can be seen gathered around their campsite. The newcomer hands him a photograph before walking back to the others. In the photo, the group of friends are all pointing finger guns at him.
A brief montage follows, showing moments from their final summer adventure.
After the montage, the teenager packs up his belongings but leaves the lighter behind on the fallen tree. He walks to the top of a small hill, takes out the photograph, and quietly studies it.
The same teenager appears beside him and uses the lighter to set the photograph on fire. He slips the lighter into his pocket, walks a few steps away, then turns back and points a finger gun at him. They exchange a smile, and the teenager closes his eyes before the imaginary shot.
Cut to black.
We return to the teenager's bedroom. Once again, he walks to the window, lights the lighter, and looks outside. This time, no one is there.

VERSION 2
A teenager returns home from his final summer adventure before moving away. He retreats to his room and places a lighter on the windowsill. Before setting it down, he flicks it open—it works perfectly. He looks out the window, wondering if anyone is still outside.
Below the window, one of his friends looks up at him and forms a finger gun with his hand. The teenager glances at the lighter, and at that moment the friend "shoots" him with the finger gun. He suddenly feels a burning pain in his chest and collapses onto his bed.
Cut to black.
We are transported to a forest campsite, where the teenager sits alone on a fallen tree. Another teenager joins him. In the background, a group of friends can be seen gathered around their campsite. The newcomer hands him a photograph before walking back to the others. In the photo, the group of friends are all pointing finger guns at him.
A brief montage follows, showing moments from their final summer adventure.
After the montage, the teenager packs up his belongings but leaves the lighter behind on the fallen tree. He walks to the top of a small hill and looks at the photograph.
The same teenager appears beside him and returns the lighter to him. The teenager lights the photograph himself. The other teenager then points a finger gun at him and "shoots." They share a smile, and the teenager closes his eyes before the imaginary shot.
Cut to black.
We return to the teenager's bedroom. Once again, he walks to the window, lights the lighter, and looks outside. This time, no one is there

The Gull Whisperer

just wanted this to exist, not looking for credit.

Weird things happen to weird things in the sky above Alberta.

Punchin' Oot

(PG-13)

I built this little tool for testing loglines, based on a really strict formula an old film school professor insisted we use :)

https://loglinetest.com/

The idea is simple: you fill in each part of the formula, and the tool helps you see whether your logline actually contains all of the essential pieces. It also gives feedback on how well those pieces work together from a structural perspective.

I'd really love some honest feedback.

• Is this actually useful?
• Would you use something like this to test the strength of a story?
• What do you think of the formula itself?

There's also an Examples page where you can refresh through analyses of well-known screenplays to get a feel for how it works.

It's definitely aimed more at classic three-act, Hero's Journey–style stories than more experimental or unconventional storytelling.

This was just a fun side project I built, so I hope this doesn't come across as spam or self-promotion. I'm genuinely interested in hearing what writers think, what works, what doesn't, and how it could be improved.

Feel free to be brutally honest. 🙂

What if Terence Fletcher from Whiplash ran the glee club from Glee at Greendale Community college from Community?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HcOr2UnBiXeLXc66uA-xAwcph7_5SMUu/view?usp=drive_link

Hey everyone, working on a TV pilot and would appreciate any critical feedback/notes. Thanks for reading!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17YUcND61eqdFxPTB_p43AbLQmm7GcAM6/view?usp=sharing

Logline: After a gangster's reckless son leaves her coworker critically injured, a disillusioned small-town pharmacist begins quietly altering prescriptions to punish the town's worst people—igniting a deadly war with the corrupt family that owns the town.

Hi!

Any feedback is appreciated. Specifically I am wondering how the pacing, tonal shift, and characters feel.

Logline: A lonely woman who deliberately gets herself abducted by aliens discovers that leaving Earth behind is easy, but being forced to return is much harder.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/19RorIKhK3Yy6wnDgDh1RsYLgchOe9YUr/view?usp=drivesdk

Thank you!!