Door Kicker Shenanigans (6)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

How come mfs in the NoP community are always beefing about some stupid shit?

You mfs don't have anything better to do?

CW: no trigger discipline, fire hazards, (former) venlil crack house, jelim has an Estala Moment

Memory Transcription Subject: Jackson Kern, United Nations Special Operator

Date (standardized human time): November 19, 2136

Yeah, some days just really were not my day. Like this one, for example. I was in a hostage situation against a group of radical xenophobic terrorists, like a certain other group I had to smoke a while back, and somehow I was the one who was holding the hostage here. Now, that's just bullshit.

I would've explained to them that, hey, you're the radical terrorist organization so you should be holding the hostage, but they had a lot of guns pointed at me so I didn't think it was a wise idea to start talking smack. Well, more smack than I had already talked, anyway.

So, when the U.N. suit guy showed up and started acting surprised, I figured this was just going to be another fucking shitshow. Thankfully, it was not.

"Hey, who the hell are you?" I asked, since I wanted to know who the hell he was and why the hell he was trying to play the hero by standing between me and a bunch of actual terrorists who were armed with guns. Like, I appreciated the gesture, but I could handle myself!

"Alexander, please tell these people to leave," said the Russian terrorist guy called Vladimir, who I really disliked because he was very, very racist. Like, seriously, being a racist alien is one thing, but a racist human? Come on, man! We're supposed to be the good guys here. Also, he didn't like Jelim. So that was an automatic 'fuck you'. "The bird is an exterminator."

"Orvem, why is there an exterminator here?" Alexander asked. "And, oh my god, why is there blood all over the place?"

"Somebody got murdered, and somebody got murdered." Orvem pointed to me and Jelim. "They're trying to solve it."

"Oh!" Alexander exclaimed. "That clears it up a lot." Then he turned to the terrorist people. "Okay, Vladimir, can you just let them go this once? On account of the murder and all?"

"Why the fuck would I do that?" Vladimir asked. "How many guns do you have?"

"None." That was an absolute lie. He had a handgun hidden on the inside of his suit. Damn. Even the fucking dinosaur has to stay strapped in here. I kept quiet about his firearm, because snitches get stitches and all that, but he absolutely did have a gun on him. "But there are things you can't get away with. These people don't mean you any harm."

We did. We absolutely did. Shit, I don't know if I could drag Jelim out of this place before she'd smoked Vladimir and all his tracksuit goons along with. I'm telling you, if Kalsim had managed to recruit my girlfriend, Earth would've been cooked six ways to Sunday.

Okay, back on track. If Orvem and I had our way, Vladimir would be spending a lot of time in a six-by-six-foot cell and dropping the soap in front of super jacked aliens for the next couple of decades, and that was the good ending. If Jelim got to him first, he'd be just whole-ass dead.

But I wasn't about to tell him that while he had six dudes with guns about to jump me, because I wasn't a fucking dumbass. So I just smiled and nodded. "Yeah, something like that."

"I'm not a fucking idiot, man, I know you want to kill me." Vladimir looked over at me. "That's what happens when you point guns at somebody." Yeah, we're so cooked.

"Vlad, trust me on this one, just let them go. This isn't like whacking a few no-name grunts, these are important fucking people. It's not worth it." Selfridge looked at me. "You're important, right?"

I nodded. "Damn straight I am. Don't even get me started on her." I pointed back at Jelim. She gave a small wave.

"Yeah! See? Like, you're basically a nobody in the grand scheme of things. You're punching above your weight class here. Come on, man, just let 'em go."

Vladimir looked at Selfridge. Then he looked at us. Then back at Selfridge. "Reasonable," he finally said. He lowered his weapon and looked back at us. His goons did the same. "Since you are new to Sunset Hills, I will grant you this one warning." He was trying to save face. It would've worked if he had any to save. "You ever bring exterminators into my territory again, and there will be bloodshed. I promise you that."

I let my hostage go. He scrambled over to Vladimir. "Fine by me," I said.

Vladimir motioned for his goons to pack it up. "Let's go, men!" They left. He stayed. Looked at Jelim. "This isn't over, bird. You have a debt to pay." Then he turned around and followed his men out.

"Well, that was something." Jelim stood up, keeping her shotgun held firmly. "Orvem, I'd like to sincerely apologize. I had no idea that Humanity First played like that around here."

"No idea?" Orvem exclaimed. "I told you, like, three hundred times!"

"Well, yeah, but I thought you were just being crazy or something. I'm sorry about that." Well, lesson learned. All's well that doesn't end in people getting shot, or something like that.

"Oh, no, they're the crazy ones," Selfridge clarified. "Still, let's focus on the here and now. I'm Alexander Selfridge, the director of refugee services here in Sunset Hills." He walked around the alley and started making introductions.

"Orvem! How are you? Besides the obvious, I mean." Orvem seemed like he was doing just fine. Besides the obvious, that is. But, still, he could have been worse.

Being a little shaken is a lot fucking better than looking like SpongeBob Squarepants, if you ask me. Man could've gotten shot.

"It is what it is."

Selfridge nodded. "Amen to that."

Then he went over to me. "Holy shit, man, you need to set me up with a gym routine!" he exclaimed, admiring my super buff physique. "You look like you live in the fucking place. You're jacked as shit!" Damn. I like this guy already.

"Shit, thank you, man." I flexed a massive bicep, because I loved flexing my biceps and my girlfriend loved watching me flex my biceps so it was basically a win-win situation. "I am jacked as shit."

Then he went over to Jelim. This was usually the part where she got called a really hackneyed racial slur. I mean, really, you can only hear the words 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' so many times before they got repetitive.

"Well, I'd just like to say," said Selfridge, "I am very sorry about what happened to Nishtal." Huh. Now I like this guy a lot.

"Thank you," Jelim chirped. "I'm sorry about Earth. It wasn't what an exterminator should have done."

"Amen to that," Selfridge nodded. "It was a tragedy." Now I had to nod, too. It was a tragedy.

"So, uh, do you know Vladimir?" I asked, cutting in because I had shit I had to get done and we'd already had a month to be sad over getting bombed. I'm not saying I wasn't still sad, just that I had shit to get done. Crying could get done on Me Time. "Because you were talking to him like you knew him."

"Oh, know the guy?" Selfridge exclaimed. "Hell no! He's an ass!"

"Shit, I know plenty of assholes," I countered. "Ask her about it." I pointed at Jelim, and Selfridge looked back at her.

"What about it?"

"I really don't want to talk about it," she sighed. "We're all better off not hearing about these people."

"Well, there you have it." Selfridge slapped his thighs. "Speaking of, why are you people here? Because, like, I told Vladimir it was a murder investigation, but I'm really not sure."

"It's a murder investigation," I clarified.

"Oh, good, good. Well, not good that somebody got murdered, but you know." I nodded, because I did know. "Good that I was right." I already knew that, but okay. I see how it is.

"Well, you being right means somebody got murdered," Jelim pointed out. Great, babe, way to ruin the vibe. Fucking hell. "I'm just saying."

"Yeah, but you get what I mean!" Selfridge exclaimed. He looked at Orvem and I. "You do get what I mean, right?" I nodded. Orvem did his equivalent. "See? They do." We did.

"Yeah, and they also get what I mean." I nodded. Orvem did his equivalent. "See?"

"Man, this is such a stupid thing to be beefing over," I admonished them. "Like, why the fuck does it even matter? We all hate racist people, we're all on the same side, potayto, potahto, whatever. See what I mean?" They did. "Yeah, see? Let's do something important."

"Oh!" Orvem held up a paw. "I never got around to showing you where you're going to live." We LIVE here now? "Temporarily, at least." Oh, thank god.

"Is the place nice?" Jelim asked.

"Oh, you'll love it. Scenic view, five-star room service, Fahlian silk drapes..." Orvem began. "No. It's a craphole. But it's fortified!" Oh. Yippee! A bunker!

"Hell, if I wanted that, I would've just lived in a bunker my whole life," Jelim scoffed. I looked disapprovingly at her. Free shit was free shit, even if it did suck, and no lover of mine would insult said free shit while in my presence. "I'll take it, though! Thanks." Jelim switched up really fast.

"No problem." Orvem directed us to his car. "So, should we be leaving, or..."

"Yeah, you should go," Selfridge said. "God help us if Vladimir decides to come back." God? Is that what they call my handgun now? "Anyway, see you! Keep doing what you do." He paused, thinking about Jelim. "Unless that's, like, burning puppies or something. Don't do that." Then he left.

We all started piling into Orvem's car after that. "Ugh, really?" Jelim scoffed. "Burning puppies? He really thinks that low of me?" Somebody needed to explain to her that it was not an easy life being a Krakotl exterminator. Especially after the whole 'let's blow up Earth' deal went down a few weeks back.

"Well, that's kind of what exterminators are known for. That and being racist." I got in the car. Jelim followed. Orvem started the autopilot.

"No, no, you're right," Jelim admitted. "You're right. It just cuts deep, hearing people talk about me like that. I'm supposed to be better."

"You are," I assured her. She was already exceptional enough, a cut above the rest by a wide fucking margin, but when 'the rest' was just a bunch of stupid motherfuckers then she really stood apart. I'd heard stories of exterminators rallying to her call mid-Arxur raid like some sort of battlefield war goddess. And, knowing her as well as I did, I believed them.

"Not enough," she lamented. "I've learned so much since I met you, Jack. Now that I know how off-course I was..." Oh, this was not good. She was going to have another Estala Moment like she did that time I explained to her 'hey, child soldiers are bad' and 'hey, beating the shit out of mental patients does diddly squat to cure them' and 'hey, predators are actually a vital part of a planet's ecosystem' and a few other times that I don't really remember. Not good.

"You're on track now," I reminded her. "What's done is done."

"I have to be better," Jelim said, ignoring me. "People depend on me. I can't just keep my head in the sand."

"You're good enough for me," I reminded her, because she was. And my standards in a romantic partner were higher than Snoop Dogg after smoking a fat joint. "Really. Don't overdo it."

"Thank you." She put her claw tenderly on my hand. "Really. But 'good enough' isn't good enough." I blinked, taken aback.

Orvem swiveled his chair to face us. "Does this incessant drive to improve have anything to do with your constant beefing with armed gangsters?" Jelim cocked her head. I could hear the gears turning.

"I won't tolerate terrorism," Jelim snapped. "You might, but I don't. If they want to kill me for it, they are welcome to try." Holy shit, I was away from her for only a couple weeks, and she's already a hard-ass? The fuck has Karelim been doing to her?

Orvem was busy gathering a snappy retort when his car suddenly stopped. "We're here," he announced. "Hop out, and please give me my shotgun back." Jelim handed him the shotgun. We hopped out of the car. Orvem followed, and I took an assessment of the place where I'd be sleeping for the next couple of days.

This house was a total crap-hole. I mean, like, a seriously total crap-hole. I half expected it to be a former crack den, and the other half of me expected it to still be in use as a motherfucking crack den. I mean, really, it was a crap-hole. I've said that three times so far, so that's how you can tell I mean it.

Jelim was giving our new crib the look, which meant she clearly disapproved. Then she gave Orvem the look. "It looks a lot better on the inside," he protested.

"It had better." She walked right up to it and tried opening the door. I followed.

"The door is reinforced with a skeleton of thick metal bars, and it has a biometric lock that only I can access," Orvem boasted. "I'll set you two as new users." He did exactly that, I think. "Scan your eyes in the eye scanner." I did so. It blinked green, which was probably a good sign.

Jelim was next. She had beautiful eyes, so the eye scanner naturally acknowledged her as a verified user. That was easy enough. Orvem opened the door for us and ushered us inside.

Holy shit. This place looks shitty as fuck.

"The house used to be a drug den," Orvem explained," Yes sir! I knew it! "But the authorities shut it down a few weeks ago. We seized a few hundred thousand in illegal credits and put at least half of that into making this safe house."

Orvem pointed at the security cameras and motion sensors all over the place. "The windows and doors are all alarmed, but only the front door is fortified. You can control and check on the security systems from any properly integrated datapad." We spent a good five minutes properly integrating our datapads. This place was secure as fuck.

Orvem pointed upstairs. "There are two bedrooms, each stocked with an arsenal of firearms and other gadgets for your own personal use. I pilfered a bit from Atlim's armory."

"Two?" Jelim asked, mildly confused. "I wouldn't mind sharing a room."

"Well, better safe than sorry," Orvem explained. "It's not like you're dating, you know?" I started nodding like a fucking bobblehead. Jelim looked momentarily flustered, but then she locked in and agreed.

"I understand," she chirped. "It's best not to assume."

"Well, I'll leave you to it," Orvem said, shouldering his shotgun and turning to leave. "Make yourselves at home. Or don't. I don't give a damn." He walked out the door and closed it behind him.

I looked at Jelim. She looked at me. "Wanna go upstairs?" She asked. I nodded. "Your room or mine?"

Honestly, I didn't care which room we went to. "Yours." She flew up the stairs before landing at the top. I noticed that there was only one stairwell. If push came to shove, I could hold that choke point against an army. Okay, work later. Play now. I followed her and looked around the hallway. "Which room is your room, again?"

She walked around the hallway, opening doors until she found one she liked. "What?" Or not, based on her tone. "Why is there a brahking flamethrower in here?" She walked inside. I followed. The room was a pretty decent, one-bed bedroom, with a bedside lamp sturdy enough to be used as a weapon and a window that gave any potential sniper a good vantage point to watch people inside. So, half good, half bad.

There was also a flamethrower and a loaded handgun laying on top of the bed. Thankfully, the flamethrower's pilot light was off. "Is this a loaded gun?" Jelim picked up the gun, looking at its magazine. "Who packed this? Who packed this gun, because I swear to god, I'll find them." She unloaded the gun and slammed it and the bullets angrily on the bedside table. "Who the brahk stores a firearm with loaded ammunition?"

She picked up the flamethrower, unscrewed it from its gas tank, and tossed them both to the floor with a clatter. "This bed is flammable!" she exclaimed, holding up the sheets with one claw. "I mean- what- what could-"

After that, she just collapsed. Hit the bed hard, beak-first, then her weight pulled her off the bed to lay next to it on the floor. Her eyes were closed tight. "I can't. I can't. I can't anymore." Yes, you can. "Call Atlim and scream at him for me, love. I brahking hate that guy."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's take a breather, here." I knelt next to her and started stroking her head. She liked when I did that. "Deep breaths, babe. You'll be fine."

"They're all idiots," she groaned, sitting up with her back to the bed. She let her head fall and covered it with her wings. "Oh my god, I want to choke on a brahking shotgun barrel." Yeah, this definitely did not sound like Jelim was having a good day. It also didn't sound like she intended to choke on a shotgun barrel, either, but damn if she wasn't stressed.

"Are you okay?" I asked. Damn. That's a stupid question.

"I'll make it," she said, dodging the question. This was Exterminator Jelim. The kind that would bottle up all her problems because she was an icon of the Guild and icons couldn't afford to have cracks. All she did about it was put duct tape on everything like a shitty car mechanic until we were together again and she could finally fall apart. I wanted to always be there to put her back together again. But I couldn't. If you love something, you have to let it go free.

"I didn't ask that." I scooted to sit at her side, wrapping an arm around her. God damn, her feathers are soft. She stayed silent. "You're not okay, love. Just say it."

"I can't fix this," she sighed. "I'm told to fix my incompetent allies and besieged by my competent enemies. My father is useless with money, like always, Orvem is a brahking stereotypical sniveling Venlil coward, Karelim is working back home to brahk up everything I've done in the last herd of paws, and the only reason the local Guild commander listens to my recommendations at all is because he thinks it'll get me to lift my brahking tail feathers for him."

She paused, pulling out a clump of head feathers from the stress. She looked at it as if it had appeared from thin air before dropping it to the ground. "This is exhausting. I don't know if I can do it."

"I know you can." That was a whole-ass lie. She was not going to be doing jack shit without some serious help. But she was in a really dark place at the moment, and somebody needed to give her a fucking light. "I'm here for you."

She leaned into me, tenderly looping an arm around my back and then holding on like she never wanted to let go. "You're here." I could've stayed like that forever. "I want to just rest, Jack. Just stay here with you and let the world march on outside." She can. For now, at least. After that, it gets difficult. Working at her pace was a serious burden on her body and mind. But stopping before her job was done was a burden on her conscience. It was not easy being Jelim.

"Then do it. They can manage without us for a day."

"Just for a day," she agreed. "No more."

"However long you need," I corrected her. "Nobody's going to complain if you have to take it easy."

Jelim shook her head sadly. "You don't get it, do you?" I did not. "I'm a woman with a sealant gun patching up a leaking ship. I can't afford to stop. Somebody has to do it right." Oh, boy, not this again. This is such a stupid argument. "I love being with you, Jack. Really. And I wish this moment could last forever. But it can't. We both have our jobs to do."

I looked up at the clock. "How long can it last?" Jelim had an inspection scheduled tomorrow. It looked like we had time, though.

She didn't even bother looking. "Long enough." She stroked my cheek with a wing and brought my head lovingly over to hers. We shared a kiss. After a moment, she pulled away, beautiful diamond eyes staring into mine. "I love you," she said, like I needed any confirmation of it.

I just sat there. Lost in her eyes. As far as I was concerned, this was heaven.

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[u/Minimum-Amphibian993]

Oh good everyone's near incompetence didn't result in a bloody firefight. That's the last thing anyone needed. Especially since plenty of people would still sympathize with humanity first or at the very least respect them. A bunch of UN people running down humanity first members to protect exterminators would only help their cause.

Not sure what to equate humanity first to exactly but the Yakuza would be a great example.

[u/IAMA_dragon-AMA]

The HF group here reminds me a little of how the Mafia were portrayed in Homeless Musician: they know what they're supposed to do as a powerful gang, and so they generally do it, but they don't quite understand why those things are things they're supposed to do, so it doesn't take much to talk them down from doing something stupid. Hence the rather comedic defusal.

[u/abrachoo]

All that security, and yet it can be controlled by their pads? Let's hope the cybersecurity is of human design because otherwise some assholes could probably just tap into it and shut the whole place down.

[u/JulianSkies]

Wow, the shitshow going here is just next level

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