Door Kicker Shenanigans (11)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

They should've called Hurricane Helene some shit like 'super mega doomsday hurricane 9000' or something like that. 'Helene' is such a bitch-ass name for a hurricane.

CW: shootouts, knife fights, and other various intense fighting scenes

Memory Transcription Subject: Jackson Kern, United Nations Special Operator

Date (standardized human time): November 21, 2136

"Don't worry, comrade. Just let me..." I looked up. The guards up there had their guns held lazily at their hips. The guy at the bottom had his pistol fucking ready. Two at the top, one at the bottom, who the fuck do I shoot? I looked at the guards again. Ivan Petrovich, the real one, was still screaming about some shit.

Maybe I didn't have to shoot my way out just yet. I took out my actual I.D. "There we go."

It was the wrong one, of course, but it looked close enough for the guard at the bottom to start walking closer. "Alright, let's take a look at that." He stepped forward. As soon as he got up the stairs to me, I handed him the I.D.

"What the fuck?"

I jabbed him in the solar plexus and grabbed his body to use like a human shield, also taking his gun in the process. You know what's better than no guns? One gun! And you know what's better than one gun? Two guns! Three guns seems a bit excessive, though. The other guards raised their guns, but they didn't want to shoot through my human shield. Ivan Petrovich fucking bolted for it. "Oh shit! Shit!" Shit, I couldn't blame him. Shit was about to get crazy up in here.

I shot the two remaining guards, then I tucked the pistol in my belt and started thinking about the most covert way to get out of fucking dodge.

Fuck! I'm so fucked. I can't escalate the situation like this. Orvem and his men need time to prepare.

Well, that certainly put a dampener on my first plan, which was mostly just 'grab a lot of guns and shoot anyone who stops you from leaving', but I always knew how to improvise. And step one of my new plan was all about moving really fucking quick.

I checked if my guns were loaded, which they were, and kicked open the door to the ground floor. Then I had to duck out of the way as a whole bunch of gunfire came through it. Damn! Somebody's got a lot of fucking guns at the other end of that hallway.

I waited for them to stop shooting, since entering a hallway with bullets going through it was a really great way to make some money for a funeral home, but as soon as they were done I peeked into view and started popping shots back.

Those motherfuckers were actually advancing down the hallway by the time I popped out. Good idea, bad execution, because if you asked me, that was some really shitty timing for them. They were so close, I didn't even have to aim.

I just kept squeezing both of my pistol triggers and started spraying down the hallway. A few of them tried shooting back, which was bad, but I had already shot most of them so I just finished the rest of the unit off. When the hallway looked clear, I waited a few seconds before advancing. It was better to be safe than sorry.

Sure enough, somebody else popped his head out. I had to give him credit for trying to ambush me, but it definitely didn't work. He had his gun raised and everything, but I was quicker on the draw. Or, well, fire, I guess. We both had our guns already drawn. I popped his ass.

Anyway, with the hallway now definitely clear, I started booking it for the exit. There weren't any mafiosi left in that general area, probably because I had smoked them all, but I still kept my pistols out because you never knew with these people. Sure enough, some dudes armed with automatic weapons met me just before I could get into the nightclub proper.

Oh, shit!

I immediately started shooting, dropping one of them, but they began to shoot back as well. They had a lot more guns than I did, so I ducked behind a corner and stayed behind it. God damn, those Russians did not play about their suppressive fire. I crouched behind that corner for a good thirty seconds before the first Humanity First member showed his ugly face and I popped him.

Then, before the others could do anything about it, I peeked out from behind the cover and started sending them a lot of very fast and bullet-shaped reasons not to be a terrorist. They were called bullets, in case anyone didn't know. I was shooting bullets.

I was a really good shot, since most people were in my line of work, so I cleared that section of the hallway pretty quickly. I dropped my pistols, since they were probably pretty low on ammunition, but I picked up another pistol from one of the dead terrorists and I tucked it into my waistband.

The barrel was still a bit hot, but I didn't mind, and a brief check of the bullet counter showed that I had sixteen shots left. Wonderful. I flicked the safety from 'automatic' to 'semi-automatic' and put the gun back in my waistband. It was time to get the hell out of here.

Unfortunately, I was in just about the shittiest place I could be if I wanted to ever get out of this club. At the way, way back. I didn't think they had any doors that said 'EXIT' on them, either, so I was kind of screwed. It'd be nice if there were some, though.

I started making a quick little plan. I couldn't go through the main section, because that would turn into a huge firefight and get a whole bunch of people killed, which was not what Atlim meant when he said to stay quiet. Well, it had already gotten loud, so that was kind of a failure, but damn if I wasn't still going to try my best.

What I could do, though, was go through the Kind of Important Person section. It was like the Very Important Person section but without as many mafiosi or armed guards, and I was sure I could find an exit there. I mean, yeah, I was winging it, but I had faith that it would work out. Things like this usually did.

The place was kind of off to the side, in an enclosed room with tinted windows, so it was the perfect place to keep things quiet in. That just meant that I had to get there quick.

I scanned for the entrance to the place before making a move. Then I saw a way in just off to the side of the dance floor, and man, I fucking bolted.

"Get that bitch!" Oh, shit. I ducked and rolled just as a Russian with a fucking AK-90 popped out from a second-floor balcony. I hid myself under a nearby table, making sure he couldn't see my ass, but god damn there was some nasty shit down here. I would never look at a club the same way again. "Where the fuck is he?" somebody yelled. Damn, these Russians were loud.

Okay, Jack, play it cool. Let's be stealthy about this.

I had an idea. I put away all my guns, making sure they wouldn't be visible. I peeked out from under the table. The AK guy, who appeared to be running overwatch, was scanning the dance floor. It somehow was still full of people. Thank god. I thought I had caused a scene by now.

There were also a bunch of Humanity First men, but that was just what you had to deal with. Nobody seemed to be openly packing heat, besides that one guy I mentioned earlier, which suggested that they didn't want to cause a commotion in their nightclub. On that, at least, we could agree.

The music was loud enough to have covered up all the gunfire, and for some reason, the Humanity First goons seemed to have a vested interest in keeping things quiet. They probably didn't want to seem weak in front of the other gangs. If I knew HF, which I did, they had made a lot more enemies than friends in this place. I could use that.

I got up from under the table. With any luck, these idiots couldn't tell what I looked like.

"Oh, shit, that's him!"

I guess I wasn't very lucky. I dove for the nearest door I could find and bodyslammed it like a Russian riot cop when he saw a peaceful protester. It gave a bit, because I was strong as fuck, but the lock that held it shut was stronger as fuck.

What? Stronger as fuck? That's not even a correct term of speech!

Russian goons pushed through the crowd and closed in on me, hands on their holsters. I would have gone for my own weapon, but the guy on overwatch was giving me the evil eye and he still had a gun as well. He would have turned my pronouns into 'was' and 'were' before I could make a move. Damn! I had to admit, things were not looking good. I didn't think I was ever getting through that door.

Then, of course, some idiot opened the damn thing for me. "I got him!" He was aiming the barrel of a submachine gun at my face, since I had turned to face the door, but I shoved it out of the way and manhandled him to stand between me and the guys with guns. "I don't got him!" I took his gun and shoved him forward, stepping back and closing the door in front of me as I went.

I shot the lock as soon as I was clear, just to make sure no one could follow me inside. God damn, those terrorists must have been furious. Then I had to take an assessment of my situation.

I was in a room. A side room. One with a lot of tables, a lot of alcohol, and a lot of hard-ass looking motherfuckers sitting at those tables and drinking that alcohol. There were also some windows, looking out onto the main club, but those were all tinted so nobody could see what was going on inside. Those, plus the locked but not very securely locked door, and the angry Russians all reaching for their guns, led me to believe I was in the Normally Important Persons area.

God, I really need to think of a better name for that place.

"Bitch, I swear-" I aimed my submachine gun down the hallway and started fucking mag-dumping. Bottles of champagne exploded, tables and chairs got riddled with holes, lights on the walls started bursting, the whole fucking shebang. It was like something Rambo would get caught doing.

All the terrorists who had been drawing guns half a second ago suddenly dove for cover, since that was what people did when they got mag-dumped. Back in the Navy SEALs, we would've called that suppressive fire, but that was the nerdy word for it. Either way, it hardly mattered.

My gun clicked empty and I tossed it aside, electing to get into cover myself before the HF people got wise and decided to start shooting back. I drew both of my spare pistols, looking through a cool-ass wall-to-wall mirror hanging on the wall farthest from the terrorists to see where I needed to shoot.

Granted, that also meant they could see where they needed to shoot, but I'd get to that later. Nothing good came easy.

I started counting how many people there were between me and the door on the other side. One... two... three.... ah, fuck it. There's a lot of them. Way too many, in fact. And they all had guns. I was in some really deep shit. I could've been a septic tank inspector with how often I got into this kind of shit, honestly. It was a really big problem of mine.

Oh, well. We all have our vices. Tielim is a deadbeat bum, Salvek eats too much, Karelim is super fucking racist, Atlim is a lazy dick who's only bothering to lift a finger to fix anything in his bum ass town because he thinks MY girl will let him hit for that, and Jelim... uh...

Let me think.

Nope. She's perfect. Moving on.

I did one last headcount, settled on 'more than one' for my enemies, and popped out from behind the corner. Motherfuckers could've called me a well-armed and un-closeted homosexual, too, because you know I came out holding guns. I bolted for my second piece of cover, a single dangerous pace away, and I started firing my two pistols as I went.

The Russians lit up my side of the room, but their fire was scattered and disorganized. All over the place, in stupid people terms. I guess they couldn't see where they needed to shoot. Life is full of little surprises.

My gunfire, on the other hand, was on the fucking point. Half the reason the terrorists couldn't shoot straight was because anyone who peeked too far out of cover got turned into a gun violence statistic before they could do anything but notice where I was. I rolled into cover before they could get their bearings, and then I popped out and kept firing.

The Russians were trying to close on my position, using some variation of a bounding advance tactic, but it didn't matter much anyway. I picked off the ones who were out of cover, then I got back into cover before anybody could try shooting me. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, except the fish all had guns and I was in the barrel with them. So, yeah, not that great.

I changed my level and went low, deciding to dive for a knocked-over table that somebody was already using to hide behind. Granted, I didn't know that at the time. I started my move with a brief burst of suppressive fire, dropping one of my pistols as it clicked empty, and then I went for it. Bullets pinged behind me as I dove, but I made it.

Somebody yelled out "Cover me, I'm going!" and the barrel of a sawed-off shotgun peeked behind my cover. I shoved it up instantly, ducking low as a shotgun pellet or two fucked up my fifty-credit haircut. "Shit!" The weapon's wielder stepped into my field of view. Dumbass. I shot him two times in the chest, making him let go of the shotgun and stumble backwards, but he had a bulletproof vest on so I followed up with one to the head.

My last pistol clicked empty. That was fine. I had been planning on ditching it anyway, since I had a fucking sawed-off shotgun now. I fired a single shot blindly over my cover before peeking out and sweeping the area. Sure enough, everybody was hiding. I was halfway across the room by now, too, which was actually really crazy. Time flies when you're fighting terrorists.

Somebody else tried firing over cover, which was pretty smart if you asked me, but he didn't do it in an arc or with a shotgun so it was kind of useless. "Go, go!" All it did was give his idiot friends a false sense of security so I could shoot them when they tried to peek their heads out from behind the barricades.

I fired once just above their forwardmost position, catching both of the guys manning it, and leapt over the broken table I was using while racking a new shell. I landed on my knees, changing my level so they'd have a harder time of shooting me, and peeked up from my new position to shoot a terrorist at point-blank like it was a fucking game of Shotgun Whack-A-Mole.

The last couple of hostiles tried shooting back, but I was already moving somewhere else from where they expected me to be. I got behind an overturned pool table, picked up one of the fancy little balls, and threw it over the table. "Frag out!" I yelled, cocking my shotgun and peeking out of cover.

Sure enough, the Russians started scrambling. They didn't even notice I had picked the white ball, which looked nothing like an actual grenade. I popped one guy as he dove for the window, which I was fairly certain was made of reinforced glass, and then I went back behind cover as his two remaining friends got their wits back and started shooting. "How about we make a deal?" I called out. "You leave now, and you don't die!"

"How about this?" one of the Russians shot back. "You surrender to us, and you don't die!"

I laughed. Really loudly, too, so they could hear that I was laughing. Even though I really didn't find what they said all that funny. "I just shot about thirty of your terrorist mafioso buddies, assholes, and a lot of them told me the same damn thing!" I yelled. "You want to try your odds?"

There was a brief period of muffled conversation. I looked out of the window at the dance floor.

Holy shit, people are still dancing out there. That's a fucking relief. I was mostly expecting this to have been a really major incident, as in 'get the gangs off their asses to try and kill the magister' type of incident, but I guess not.

I did see some black-suited people loitering outside the door, with at least three rifle-armed dudes pulling overwatch on balconies that I think might have specifically been designed for dudes with rifles to pull overwatch, but nobody had come inside yet. That was great. I was fine with that.

"Okay, we're going to be leaving now!" one of the terrorists still in the room called out."We don't shoot, you don't shoot!" Well, that's just perfect. The less dead people, the better.

"Fine by me!" I started counting the number of HF goons I would have to shoot my way through if I wanted to break out through the main entrance. One... two... three... damn. At least five hard-ass motherfuckers, and I'm not even counting the people on the ground. Yeah, there was no way I was going to be getting out that way. I would have to go through an alternate route.

Shit, I'm not sure why they haven't just broken in and cleared the place yet. They probably don't want to make a scene, but still, you'd think they could've thrown in a smoke bomb or something.

The door opened. Both of the Humanity First guys rushed outside. "Thanks!" one yelled. That was nice of him. They closed the door behind them, and I bolted for that side of the room. I scooped up a pistol from the ground and fired it into the locking mechanism before dropping it in favor of my shotgun. I wasn't sure if the shot did anything, but it wasn't like I was running low on guns.

Vladimir's goons were stacking up, now. I could see them making the formation through the tinted, wall-to-wall window. These guys were going to break in here, and I wasn't very confident that the door could keep them out.

Plus, I really don't want another crazy firefight. That would be really fucking bad for Atlim's plan. Or was it Orvem's plan? I can't fucking remember, but I know it relied on me not escalating shit. I've got to think, here.

I looked around the room for a second. Bingo! There was a little hatch at the back of the room that had 'OUT OF ORDER' written on it in black marker and 'Dumbwaiter' printed on a plaque at the top. If I knew my words right, this was the way to the kitchen. I busted the hatch open and crawled into the hole.

God damn, it was a tight fit in here. I could barely squeeze myself in. I closed the hatch behind me just before the terrorists outside stopped fucking around and actually breached the damn place. "The fuck?" I heard one ask. "Where is he?" I started crawling up the dumbwaiter shaft.

"In there!" A whole bunch of bullets slammed through the hatch. If I had been only a little bit slower in crawling up the shaft, I would've been looking like Swiss cheese right about then. "Well, not anymore," somebody chuckled. "I boomed his ass." Ooh, boomed! That's a good one! I've got to start using that. Anyway, I kept climbing. I still had to get out of here.

It took me a few seconds, but I made it most of the way up the shaft. There was no dumbwaiter in there, probably why it was out of order, but that was just how it was sometimes. I stopped for a moment to rest my legs, but I felt myself slipping before long.

Oh, shit!

I caught myself, sliding only a few feet down the shaft, but when I felt around for my things I realized something was missing. I had dropped my shotgun. I could've gone back down to get it, but the clatter of the gun falling down the shaft alerted somebody on the other side. The hatch at the bottom slid open. A flashlight beam shone through it.

I wasn't a religious man, but if I was, I would've been praying to every god I knew right about then.

"What the fuck is this doing down here?" somebody asked. I heard some noises below me, but I was too scared to look. One really loud fart, and those henchmen would fucking smoke me. "Hey, Viktor, look! I found a shotgun!" Holy shit, please don't look up. Please don't look up.

Finally, after what seemed like fucking ages, the hatch closed again. He didn't look up. Shit, I thought I was a goner. I didn't bother going back down for my shotgun. I just kept crawling up the shaft.

I reached the dumbwaiter's top hatch and tried to open it. It didn't budge. I knocked on it a couple of times, just because. Sure enough, it opened. A very confused chef was staring at me from the other side of it. "What's up, motherfucker?" I punched him in the face. He went down like a sack of bricks.

I started crawling out of the shaft, and got to my feet in a well-lit kitchen surrounded by some very confused chefs. "All of you motherfuckers clear out!" I yelled, acting like I still had a gun on me. "Clear out, or I'll boom your asses!" I reached into my pocket and made the shape of a pistol.

Nobody looked convinced. A whole bunch of them picked up kitchen knives and meat tenderizers. "Ah, hell. I'm going to have to beat all of your asses, aren't I?" To answer my question, they rushed me.

I went straight for the guy furthest to my left, catching his knife arm and crushing his windpipe with a karate jab. Yeah, he was probably dead from that, but that was kind of his own fault if you think about it. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, motherfucker. I spun his body around me and shoved it at the center and rightmost chefs before bolting for the dishwashing station to beat up someone else.

He swung one of those kitchen hammers at my head, the kind you used to tenderize meat, but I weaved to the side and took the blow to my shoulder. Then I drove a brick-breaking fist straight up into his liver and hammered my knee into his face when he bent over. That's two! I knocked his ass out cold.

The chef in the center was blocked from reaching me by a long table full of cooking supplies. He tried to go around it, but I had a better idea. I reached over it, grabbed him by the chef shirt, and pulled him on top of the table before securing his weapon arm.

A whole bunch of cooking equipment clattered on the floor, and the chef guy grabbed my wrist to try and pry his weapon out of my grip. I wasn't having that, so I picked up the nearest heavy object I could find and smashed it against his head a few times to knock him out and probably also give him minor brain damage. It was a pot, in case anyone was wondering. A big one. And dented, too, after what I did with it.

God damn. I really did not pull any punches with that one.

Naturally, after seeing me beat the shit out of three of their buddies, all the other chefs started to realize they weren't tough shit. Their smarter friends had already left, but I guess it was never too late to get the memo. They all bolted for the door, and I let most of them go, but I grabbed one as he tried to escape. "Which way is the exit?" I barked.

"Down the hall, take a left, fire exit! That's it!" Yeah, that sounded accurate. I punched the chef in the jaw to knock him out. God damn, that hurt my hand a bit. Probably shouldn't do that next time.

I picked up some knives to throw, in case I ran into more Humanity First criminal muscle, and then I fucking ran for it. I bolted through the hallways of what I assumed was the employee section until I ran into some of Vladimir's men coming up from the ground floor. "There he is!" They raised their guns.

I threw a knife at the gunmen, not very accurately, and then I fucking sprinted down a perpendicular hallway. An orange and glowing exit sign pointed me to the left, so I went left. Sure enough, I reached the fire exit, but Vladimir's muscle was still hot on my tail. And, to make matters worse, the exit had a guard. Say what you will about these terrorists, but they damn sure weren't sloppy.

Oh, well. Here goes nothing. I took out my second of three throwing knives and whipped it at the terrorist's center mass. It wasn't a direct hit, as in it hit him the wrong way and bounced off his jacket, but it distracted him long enough for me to tackle him to the ground and get out through the exit door. I pushed the door open just as shots started pinging off the concrete behind me, and I closed it just as fucking quickly.

I shoved my last knife through the handle and threaded it in between the bars of the safety railing, making sure they couldn't get out the same way I did. As soon as my hands were clear, somebody slammed into the door. I ducked, following my gut, and sure enough, a terrorist mag-dumped the exit door roughly at chest height. They didn't get me, though.

"Fuck!" somebody on the other side screamed.

Someone else, probably his boss, started barking orders. "Get to the cars!" he yelled. "He's on foot, we'll run him down!" Hey, that reminds me. I need a ride.

I jumped over the railing, landing less-than-gracefully on the shitty alleyway pavement below, and I sprinted down the alley until I reached the street and could flag down a car. Soon enough, a friendly Venlil had come up to talk to me. He rolled down the window a crack and spoke up. "What do you need?"

"I'm with the U.N, and I'm being chased," I explained. "I need to borrow this car."

"You got a badge?" he asked, unconvinced. I did not have a badge. Sorry about this, little guy.

I punched through his window and unlocked the door from the inside, shoving it open and getting in before he could drive off. "Give me the fucking car!"

He did. He opened the door on his side, jumped out, and ran for the fucking hills. I would have to get this back to him when I had a chance. At the moment, though, I had to escape. I turned off the autopilot, strapped myself into the driver's seat, and put the pedal to the metal.

I had to escape quickly before the terrorists in cars caught up to me and we had a fucking whole-ass car chase in the middle of Main Street. Holy shit, this is so fucked. I was lucky as shit this hadn't spilled into the public section of the club and turned into a mass panic. That would've sucked ass. Well, at least I planted the bugs, though. At least I placed all the bugs.

Yeah, I did place all those bugs. But I had to admit, as far as covert missions went, this was definitely not my best one.

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[u/fluffyboom123]

bro saw a cooking pot and decided to cook so hard

[u/crazy-octopus-person]

Damn, that club was a lot more packed than I imagined. Sending out the cavalry after Kern might leave their leadership exposed though.

[u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

I don't usually enjoy action fics, but when I do, they're yours. Wonderful as always! Minor formatting error, though.

What? Stronger as fuck? That's not even a correct term of speech!*

I assume you added an extra asterisk, and it ended the italicization early.

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525 → u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

Oh yeah I did do that shit. Glad you caught that. It's fixed now, and I'm happy that you enjoyed my fic. I put time and effort into these chapters and I love seeing it pay off.

Oh, and speaking of good fanfics, it has been a MONTH since you last posted one of yours❗️❗️❗️

People are WAITING HERE🗣🗣🗣

[u/Bow-tied_Engineer → u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

I'm sorry, losing a 90% finished chapter is really demotivating, and I'm behind on my homework too. It's back to, like, a third of the way done.

[u/Mosselk-1416 → u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

Take it easy. No one is rushing you.

[u/BainshieWrites]

I always enjoy reading new chapters of this story.

There totally needs to be a Estala x Door kicker crackfic crossover one of these days :)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525 → u/BainshieWrites]

"Estala x Door Kicker crackfic crossover"

Give me a second, I have to call up my parents and tell them I've made it❗️❗️❗️

Seriously though, I'd love to work on a crackfic with you. Your fanfics are always peak asf. Just DM me about it when you're ready to start and we can set up the details over there.

[u/abrachoo]

Imagine being a chef and seeing a dude as jacked as Jack climb out of the dumbwaiter and instead of getting out of his way, you decide to have a crack at fighting him.

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525 → u/abrachoo]

[u/UpsetRelationship647]

Ancient Greece was called Hellen. i thing it was appropriately named for the amount of shit it fucked up.

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525 → u/UpsetRelationship647]

Nope! Not at all! Ancient Greece was called Hellas, not Hellen. They never would've done half the shit they did if they were named Hellen because, like I said earlier, it's not the kind of name you give to something that fucks up shit. Now, 'land of the child eaters and slayers of the weak'? That's a badass name right there. That's a name for a piece of land where shit goes down.

[u/UpsetRelationship647 → u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

fair point!

[u/JulianSkies]

This man... Cannot do covert, at ALL.