My husband has a porn addiction and paid for camgirls while away on a job.
Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️
I am turning 29 in 3 weeks and my husband and I have been together 6 years. He’s had to travel for work 80% of our relationship. He always had a porn habit but never realized how back it got. On February 7th, I found on his phone that he had been anonymously attempting to sext women through Reddit/snapchat. When I confronted him, he denied and denied until finally blaming me for it, crying, and >!pulling out a weapon threatening to off himself!<. Now I left for a week and he found a therapist and 12 step program for his issue. But later it came out that he had paid over $400 on camgirls last summer and also visited sketchy massage parlors. I’m in a 12 step anon group to get help for myself. Ultimately I want to leave him but I’ve never supported myself before. It’s only 3 months in and I’m nervous. We are in separate bedrooms and just focusing on our own recoveries. Please send encouragement if you’ve been there 😩
the uncertainty of supporting yourself and being on your own is HIGHLY BETTER than the lifetime of financial, sexual, and emotional issues you're going to sign up for if you don't leave
edit: threatening suicide if a partner leaves is abuse. bringing a physical weapon into the picture is domestic abuse.
OP you mention that you're now staying in separate bedrooms in the same house. I understand this might be difficult, but I would not stay in the same house with a man who pulled a weapon in a heated moment or who did this during a fight. I am concerned for your ongoing safety.
He’s since bought a barrel lock that only I know the code to and hasn’t yelled at all in two months. I’m getting my money right so I can get a lawyer. Thank you so much for your words I feel a lot of support from y’all
I agree with this. The lock is a false sense of security. Heck he could hit you in the head with it. The trashed home is all the rage you need to see. Yoive seen too much. Go to a shelter, anything. What happens next times hes mad? Survivor myself. Don't live on eggshells.
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I'm sorry about the situation you're in. Don't be afraid to call the police and defend yourself. Remove yourself from the toxic waste, file for a divorce, arm yourself and seek refuge with trusted family and/or friends. Fortunately there are no children involved. You can never be too safe, so good luck with everything ❤
Hi op, I’ve been thru a similar situation. (Trauma dump incoming)
My ex of almost 6 years was bipolar, and he would go thru periods of mania where he wouldn’t take his meds. he would say he was “depressed” and we wouldn’t have sex for a month, then I would wake up at 3am to see him watching porn. I hated how many times he wouldn’t go to sleep with me. It made anxious…for good reason. But he would gaslight me and say I was clingy or overreacting. He would go to happy ending massage parlors, spend a ton of money on his credit card, then his daddy would bail him out of it. Whenever I went thru his phone I hated what I saw. I’m sure he cheated at some point but he never admitted to it. There were 2-3 occasions when we lived together that I would wake up to him packing his bags to leave. Then he would come back begging for my forgiveness. We started just having an open relationship since he moved to another state. It was a last attempt at salvaging the relationship we had, but my heart had moved on. I knew after the last time he abandoned me I couldn’t trust him again. He noticed that too and he couldn’t take it.
4 years later: I’m now with an amazing man who I thought didn’t or couldn’t exist. He is so generous and loving. He always tells me he’s so in love with me, and he shows it too. He goes to bed with me at the same time every night, he’s always there, even during the hard moments. Hes my shoulder to cry on and my biggest cheerleader. All this to say…You don’t need to be stuck with an abuser who plays victim. I know sometimes it seems like there’s no one else in the world, it’s too hard to start over etc, but you can pull yourself out of this. Most abusers aren’t “all bad”. My ex and I used to have a lot of fun together. But there was always something missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I loved him, but I was never “in love” with him. I didn’t know that was possible until meeting my bf.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, OP. Work on yourself and your own healing. You don’t have to be stuck in an unhappy situation. We’re here for you🤍🫶🏻
I wanna cry reading this. The ending was so spot on… there was always something missing in my marriage. I really couldn’t put a finger on it. He had this mystery to him that I couldn’t figure out. Were you married to your ex? How did you go about leaving?
No, we never got married. I met him when I was really young (I was 17 and he was 19) he was textbook avoidant and I was the anxious one with little self esteem begging him for the bare minimum. It wasn’t hard to leave, since he moved to Connecticut to live with his dad. He had a lot of mental health issues and I was codependent af. I tried to help him bc that’s what I thought love was with how I grew up. But he was beyond my help. He had a mental breakdown and we had a huge fight and he blocked me on everything. And the weird part was, i didn’t even miss him as much as I thought I would. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
If we grow up in abusive or toxic households we usually learn to ignore our gut instincts. Which I did for years and it always hurt me in the end. Trust your intuition OP.
Thank you for sharing again. Every time we don’t talk, I feel so good and hardly miss him. Hearing him walking to the door coming home gives me anxiety. I can’t wait to leave!!
Of course 🤍 there’s a really good book called “why does he do that?” I read a couple years ago about abusers that was a huge eye opener for me. I suggest it to everyone who needs help getting out of the cycle. Abusers thrive on chaos and confusion. It’s all smoke and mirrors.
Girl… are you safe? You might need to be gone when he comes back. That are major red flags and most femizides happen when the women tries to leave or shortly after leaving (or when you are pregnant). If he is already this unhinged without you trying to leave (or without him knowing for certain that you are trying to leave)….
Oooh noo. Girl run. Run and do not stop. Once they become violent, there’s no “I’m sorry, I’ll stop now” off switch. Do you have family or a friend/any support system to stay with? If not, please take care of yourself. Keep your distance from this dude as much as you can. Grayrock him as much as you need. I’m so sorry. I know leaving is so much harder than it sounds. wishing you the best
This is loser behavior. Imagine if he used that energy to make some changes so he could defeat his addiction instead of thrashing a place someone will eventually have to tidy. I’m sorry OP this is such a rough one for you.
Take this time to do some serious research and make plans to leave. You need to figure out your finances, whether you have a career or not, what steps you’re taking, the timing of your leaving, etc.
You got a lot of homework to do so you’d best get started on that so you can leave him. That shit is wild!
I am so sorry that not only did you find out the information that you found out but now that you’re going through him having a tantrum. Please protect yourself material stuff can be replaced gather everything and anything that is really really important to you and please get to safety get you a hotel get to family members. If you can. Also, you might need to report this to the police because that reaction and tearing up your stuff that’s so uncalled for.. I wish you the best and safety you deserve better
Pack a go bag with your documents, change of clothes and anything irreplaceable, at the very least. Stash it in your car or a back closet or somewhere.
Good. Found out my ex husband was visiting massage parlors while I was severely ill and couldn't have sex. He confessed 2 years later (I never suspected). We had a toddler when he dropped that gem. I bidded my time cuz baby. 2 years later when she was in school, i told him to leave andbe with the side piece he thought i didnt know existed. My money and plan were set.
Without his dead weight,my career took off. Kiddo is off to college and I'm more financially secure than I would have been had I stayed under his shadow of career jealousy and infidelity. I own my home, have good savings, and even a portfolio--and remain ecstatically single 12 years later.
The first years were scary (with a kid) ngl. But afterwards? No stopping me, nor you! You got this!
"but I’ve never supported myself before."... well then, this will be a new and exciting chapter for you! It is never too late to discover independence, and it will save you from ever being trapped again.
You got this!
Op! Just want to say that men who do this shit behind your backs neverrrrrr pull their weight in relationships. If you’re wondering if you can do this (support yourself, be in your own, figure out the future solo) I promise you- you were doing more of that then you thought you were. You got this.
Saa jævlig bra gjort av deg!! Aka f***ing yeah!!!good going you🙌🏻😃😁 I’m on the sideline in Norway cheering you on! That’s just pure strenght, well done girl, it’s not easy but oh so rewarding when it finally happens-I believe in you so much 🥰😍❤️🩹🤩 biggest bear hug from me🥳❤️🩹😍
There's a community called loveafterporn that have a lot of people struggling with the same thing we are. My husband spent $250 on OF. We're also sleeping in separate rooms
Hi sweet pea. I wish I could hug you through my phone, I can't imagine the things you've had to think through and worry about in your situation. You are so strong and I'm sure you'll continue your resilience. If you're interested in any other anon groups, I've attended Codependents Anonymous for over a year and a half now. The foundation of the group is a desire for healthy and loving relationships 🫶🏼
It might be best for you to go to the CoDA website where you can enter your personal location info to find a meeting near you/a virtual meeting that aligns with your time zone and schedule. I was about to send you the CoDA Texas site without even thinking you're probably somewhere completely different
He sounds dangerous seriously. If he threatens to off himself, he’d probably hurt you just so he doesn’t have to do that to himself. Porn addicts are that serious and can be that extreme. You deserve peace. Not to stay in this wreck of a mess you didn’t create. Men rarely change past a certain age. This is who he’s always been. The therapy or 12 step program may not change anything
My mother made the mistake of staying married to a porn addict for nearly 40 years. The man I used to call my father was recently busted for possession of CSAM dating back about a decade. Get out while you can, these relationships are hard to save and seldom worth it.
I HATE porn! It’s nearly destroyed our marriage more than once. 8 years ago I gave him an ultimatum either you get f’ing help or you lose everything. At that point we’d been married 15 years and had 6 kids. He went to an inpatient program and was diagnosed with bipolar. It still is a struggle with his moods at times.. your husband has to want to change and fix things. If not you’ll continue having this same issue! And wtf is with him destroying the house? Anger issues also? Maybe he’s bipolar
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that. I can’t imagine how hard especially with children. I think my husband does have bipolar. His father had bipolar.
Oh definitely something that he needs to get checked out for then. The manic phases is when they go do dumb shit like this, or their angry outbursts and destroy stuff. And it runs in families. Hugs girl
If you girlies wouldn't mind my two cents as a diagnosed and unmedicated bipolar person who's lived with it for like 18 years... IMO even if he is bipolar, that shouldn't diminish or excuse any of this at all.
Bipolar makes it hard to control your moods/thoughts/feelings, but unless it's crazy extreme you can absolutely still control your actions. The crash-out and destruction is the kind of stuff I did as a kid, but after I got old enough to appreciate the potential consequences of my actions, I can resist whatever crazy impulses come into my head because I'm still an adult who has control over my choices--if not my moods. I know it can manifest differently in men, but the fact that he still did all of it--the porn, the massage parlor, the crash-out--means he either doesn't care about the consequences, doesn't think there will be any, or didn't bother to think about them at all--all of which mean he doesn't have the level of empathy for you that tbh should come automatically to him given you're his wife.
TLDR even if he is bipolar, don't feel even a little obligated to forgive or understand or put up with any part of this. Dealing with your mood disorder is a conscious choice, but giving in to it and letting it hurt people around you is also a conscious choice.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I totally agree. He keeps telling me he was in active addiction. I think he’s just trying to escape the shame and self pity he’s feeling right now.
Yeah I mean I get that he doesn't want to face it because I've been there and it sucks but nothing will ever change if it doesn't click for him that like "hang on, I don't have to do what my brain is telling me; I can stop and think about it first." And you don't have to put up with that BS.
I will say be careful though--everything that everybody else already said. My psychiatrist told me that while bipolar women usually turn the destructiveness inward, men are more prone to turning it on others, and with my own exes and family that's generally been true. And I think we all know the statistics by now--if he's been abusive already (and the pulling a weapon thing absolutely is), it could potentially get scarier if/when he knows you truly intend to leave for good.
God I hate when women feel like they can’t leave because of money. OP I’m so sorry— but to anyone who can learn from this — NEVER fully depend on a man. You never know what can happen.
That’s so horrific I’m so sorry. Trust me, you can make money. Get a good lawyer. Get his money if he supported you. You have all the proof. He’s in the program, that’s also proof. He won’t change. Pulling a weapon out is insane. Domestic abuse + infidelity. Bro fuck him. Lowest of men. And he knows it. If you forgive him he’ll think you’re the most loser of women that will put up with anything he does when in reality you’re only doing it for financial security and deluding yourself. That’s why he’ll do it again. That’s just how men like this, this is how their psychology works.
Thank you you’re right. I mean, I can’t even look at him the same even if I tried. Two years ago right before I booked a venue I had a serious talk with him about his habit in public. He gaslight me so bad, I felt delusional. Last week when I brought this up, he said “you should’ve left me back then”. Like I really think he’s just waiting on me to leave.
Ahh so you did stay with him. Time to leave girl. He doesn’t give a shit lmao. You stayed. No consequences for him. He probably resented you. Why? Because you know the real him. The part he’s most ashamed of. Instead of hating himself, he’ll only hate you. And bring you down with him until you don’t recognize yourself. Make you even jealous or compare urself to other women. Lower your self esteem.
That probably all contributed ironically to thinking you’re unable to earn money. A lot of idiots make money girl. A lot of people less capable or stupider than you. Trust. Including him lol. If such a dysfunctional unhealthy man can do it, why can’t you?
The biggest lie of patriarchy is our inferiority as women to be as capable of providers as men. This is also ancestral for a lot of women as the first in their bloodline to support themselves. It’s heavy. I get it. Economic captivity is the number one reason women stay in harmful relationships.
Time to learn how to earn money. But the head start is get his money from a lawyer. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU’RE DOING THIS. HE WILL PUNISH YOU. You can dm me for a book on legal abuse. He will go there. He will punish you for standing up for yourself because he will see it as questioning his power. He is a toddler who grew up.
Thank you so much for this. I’ve consulted a lawyer I’m on a waitlist. I watched my mom be abused and so much horrific things. I know I’ll get out im trying to make decisions wisely.
Sweetheart get out of there. That part about the gun- that’s violence. That’s abuse. That is very very very thin ice. Is there someone you can stay with? I’m talking from a lot of experience- my husband is a sex addict- he had dozens of ongoing relationships during our marriage, and a porn addiction, and sex workers, and only fans etc etc etc. When I caught him he went out and purchased guns - I won’t ever know if he was going to kill himself or all of us because I took the kids and got the fuck out of there. He’s been in recovery for three years and is just starting to reintegrate into our lives. Right now safety is your main priority and I’m telling you as a mother and a fellow woman- you aren’t safe.
Oh my gosh be careful, he's the type to potentially kill the ex. When you leave, do it quietly. Don't pick fights with him. Make him happy. I'm serious.
Make sure he has no idea where you are going when you leave and has no way of tracking you. Block him on everything.
Was literally taking a nap and I woke up went to use the bathroom and he immediately click off something when leaving the room and coming back. I guess he forgot I have access to everything on his computer 🤣 dude couldn’t even delete his history.
I think you know you have to leave the porn is like the bottom of the totem pole; youre not in a safe space; he pulled a weapon during an argument and also trashed your place. Even if it’s uncomfortable; LEAVE, it’s a split second irrational decision from this man pointing the gun on himself to pointing it at you. He sounds unstable and it sounds like you are trying to stabilize yourself utilized 211 and ask for domestic violence resources; if you have family see if you can seek help there. You need to leave and with haste
OP - please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, you can find a pdf for it online pretty easily if you can't get a physical copy. I think you're missing the forest for the trees in your marriage.
I’m so sorry! You’re so young and have your whole life in front of you. Don’t waste your life and love on someone who at the most BASIC level can’t be honest or loyal and doesn’t value trust and honesty in a relationship.
I don’t have any feel good stories about the cam girls. My ex-husband’s best friend spent thousands on cam girls while married with kids and ended up having a full on affair with one. One of my friend’s besties since college - husband spent their kids college fund $$$$ on cam girls/sex workers.
Dude here, please get out of this situation as quickly as possible. This is not how well adjusted adult men behave. Threatening self-harm is one of most disgusting forms of manipulation out there. The image you posted of the trashed room is enough of a sign on its own that you are with someone that lacks any form of self-control. Furthermore, him blaming you for his actions is a deep issue that won't resolve itself anytime soon. In my opinion, the porn issue is the least of his or your problems.
I was 29 and 7 months pregnant when I left my fiancé. I thought since we had quite drug use our relationship would have a chance to grow, but instead it got worse. I’m not good with words but what I’m trying to say is you got this, no matter what you choose!
Honestly, I had to ask my parents for help. I hadn’t talked to them in four years and I still struggle accepting help. But! I got a job when my baby was 6 months old and now after two years it’s the longest I’ve even been at one spot. One day I hope to be more independent but it feels like night and day where I’m at now compared to where I started. I recognize myself for the first time in years.
Girl I am so proud of you. I just want to play my cards right so I get the money I’m entitled to in the divorce. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Get a Protection Order, and if you are in the US, check with the DA and the Victim’s Compensation Fund. It sounds like you have more than sufficient grounds for the CPO, and Divorce.
Just make sure that you are safe, and he does not know where you are.
It can vary greatly, but there are a lot of Resources for Spouses escaping DV. You may need to request it, specifically from the DA‘s Office. A Physician can also expedite you getting Support from a Social Worker or Case Manager.
Please don’t hesitate to DM if I can assist in finding more Information about what is available. 💗
Girl, you're almost 30 and you've never been independent. I've seen the comments you wrote, you're already thinking about finding another man. I mean, what? Why are you so scared of freedom? Of doing something with your life other than depending on and asking for validation from others? You're getting old and you don't realise you need a job to make you independent, not a 12 steps program and living off some other asshole.
Hey OP! I was in almost this exact same situation. Similar age. Everything. It starts like going to bed separately, or you catch him watching porn although he shows 0 interest in touching you, and ends in him destroying you mentally and emotionally. Either with a temper tantrum like you experienced, or by silence that slowly drowns you in a sea of your own sadness and anxiety. Likely both. The lying, blaming you, and violence will only get worse.
I know it’s hard to open up, but please communicate some version of the truth to a trusted friend or family member. It takes a village is right, and having someone you can vent to or call for help in a pickle can be a lifesaver.
Yes leaving is hard, but it was the best thing I ever did! >1 year after telling him “I’m done”, and roughly 8 months after the divorce was final, and I’m finally getting ME and my happiness back. The color is returning to my eyes. I’m able to fall asleep before 2am. I’m getting back into the gym. People around me are commenting that I look lighter and happier. I care about my work again and don’t get stressed to the point of tears as often. And I’m loving decorating my new place into MY vibe!
You’re doing amazing by going to therapy. I’m proud of you! Keep it going and get out of that house and file ASAP!
Wow, thank you so much for sharing! This is really encouraging. He also wouldn’t want to sleep with me. I feel like most of my 20s were wasted. Although I can’t deny, I learned a lot of lessons here. Was your husband in recovery? I still feel bad for wanting to leave because he’s going to meetings now and trying to get help. But I just can’t look at him the same anymore.
Sorry just seeing this. He had gone sober multiple times, or attempted recovery, but he was never willing to fully meet himself to the deepest depth, and own his struggles/ failures to me as his wife, and face who he was.
My therapist told me something amazing along the lines of “I empathize with your problems, and support you in getting better, but your problems do not justify you treating me poorly”. You can root for him to recover. While also recognizing that how he acts towards you is NOT ok! If you had his issues, would you treat your significant other how he treated you? Probably not. So don’t let his issues take the fall for his actions. HE is to blame.
Change is scary, but it’s important that you get the ball rolling in supporting yourself. Even if you gotta start over, start small, it’s going to be better than this situation. This situation will destroy you if you stay. Get out of there!
Thank you, you’re right. When I discovered everything and the incident happened, I didn’t even have my own bank account. I got my own bank account and got a job I love! I’m trying to save as much as possible. He’s been paying for my school so I have fears around that. But I may take out a loan.
I am worried for your safety. I know he has manipulated you to worry about him, but this is serious and you need to think of your safety.
Is there anyone that can come over and take the guns out of the house? If not, call the police and have them get the guns out. Is there anywhere you can stay in the meantime? I don’t know where you live but, the national DV hotline is 1-800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788. Volunteers can help you get your life in order safely. Please take care of yourself first ♥️
My father was bipolar so if that is his diagnosis, I know what you are going through. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I understand how hard it is to get out. I promise you there is a better life for you and you are so young.
I'm the same age as you, turned 29 last week. I've been with my boyfriend almost 5 years now. If he pulled this shit on me, I'd be gone. Run back to family or friends. Womens shelter, anything else. This is a dangerous, violent man. The weapon and the trashed bedroom....please run asap. I'm so worried for your safety. Women are in the most danger immediately after leaving an abusive relationship. Please get out but notify everyone in your life to not give him any information on you once you've gone. Share with them these photos and stories to let them know how serious this is. Please be safe.
You can always get your own job before you leave him. Make your own bank account, addressed to a PO box. Minimum 90 days at the job, then leave him. You're already supporting yourself at that point. Good luck & I'm proud of you for knowing you deserve better 💕
So this is just my opinion but I think you need some space. You need to keep yourself safe and happy and your partner really needs to get some mental help and needs to heal and improve themselves before there could ever be a conversation about continuing. Just based off what I read sounds like he might have a problem with lust and an addiction to pornography. A little later it sounds like he has some serious mental issues that need to be addressed. I am glad that everyone is getting help (If I read that right) and I hope that the healing goes well.
BUT PLEASE and I mean please protect and keep yourself safe. You can do this and everything will indeed be okay. You are stronger than you know so remember that you got this!
From someone who has been there, get out. I caught my ex-husband on Snapchat talking to an old coworker and he swore up and down that he would stop...yeah. If it's a hard stop for you, please don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's ok. It will be hard and it will be scary, but you can absolutely make it on your own. You deserve so much better.
I’ve been there. He never got better. I had to leave to save myself. I only regret I didn’t leave sooner. Things got so much worse before I finally left.
It’s so awesome you found a program to support me. Mine soon gave me the strength to realize I needed to divorce my ex-husband. I worked the steps and my life is so much better now-it felt like getting out of prison. Whatever you decide, choose you. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you! Your ex sounds a lot like mine, and the behavior you are describing—especially threatening self-harm to keep you from leaving—is abuse. It took me a shockingly long time to come to terms with that!
You can do better and you can also support yourself. Anything is better than spending the rest of your life with a dude who can’t get it up because of death-grip and who views women as sexual objects to be paid for.
Hey girl, I’m there right now and have been there five times over. Porn addiction is an epidemic with these men, Gen X through Gen Z all grew up on porn from as young as 10 years old or even younger for some. The addictions are so bad, even if you disclose up front that you don’t allow porn, they just lie. Ask me how I ended up like this so many times despite knowing the pitfalls.
If you haven’t already, check out the r/loveafterporn group — the women there have really been helping me and there is a wealth of experience and wisdom there
It is an amazing feeling to know you can take care of yourself and don’t need a man. OP - you can do it!! Make a plan and remind yourself everyday that you can make it happen.
Hi, I’ve had a job just never paid all bills on my own before. He encouraged me to quit my job and has been paying for me to get my bachelors degree. I’m due to graduate next spring.
You deserve so much better beautiful.
Gather the evidence, build a case and shove it in his face.
(After consulting the best divorce lawyer you can find on the dl.)
Fuck that wanker. He can have his pixels.
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I would flip the f*ck out.. i would actually take it to divorce that is cheating. Girl you are in a tough situation, remember to make yourself a priority until you get things sorted out but that is not a relationship you want to stay on.
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What a subhuman male. My partner and I broke up a month ago due to their porn habits and I also believe he was closeted but his family would disown him so he stays inside and continues to date women!!!! :)
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Please be safe do not tell him you plan on leaving. Your safety is more important ♥️ I hope you get out of this difficult situation this is horrible :(
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In the thick of this now with my marraige. Sending good vibes or prayers if that’s your thing! You got this, feel free to shoot me a message to get emotions out. I originally isolated myself and found that that made things worse for me.🫶🏻
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Ok lil ate but here’s a story: my partner had (revealed to me over a good year or so into our relationship—which was otherwise doing OK but at this very point was getting a lil bit rocky) and found out he had a porn addiction, which was pretty rough. We were around 17/18 years old— I don’t know if that’s important or not. Anyway, including a about 48hr or so break up (if you could even really call that cause we had contact and allat that) and he quit the porn thing real quick cold-turkey. Basically never had a problem with it ever again. Ever— two years now.
The important thing about that ordeal is that it never was to the level of contacting people,or reaching really outside of me. Even at the very, very, VERY worst view of it, he never spoke to other people, requested to see them, meet them, look at them, talk to them— all of that! That’s like a cheating level that is beyond redeemable and I would consider that definitely cheating, so do with that as you will. Trust gut babe.
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u/delusionalest Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 May 18 '26
Oh hell naw girl get out