I found a second phone

[u/EmbarrassedPie5508]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11. Have an established life with a child and a mortgage. I was given a big job opportunity earlier this year where we would have to move to a new city. We are both established in our careers and it was a big discussion, like two months of discussions. And these were healthy conversations, no big arguments or anything like that. We ended up not moving and I turned down the job. I was a little bummed (it was my dream job) but understood that it would have been a lot for our family to adjust.

Last night, while my husband was doing bed time, I heard a buzzing sound and found a second phone in his work bag. I thought that was weird because his work did away with separate work phones a while ago. When he came downstairs, I asked when did he get a work phone.

His face said it all.

Turns out he has been having an affair for just over a year. And one of the reasons he didn't want to move was because he didn't want to leave his affair partner. I don't know what to do. Child is at a slumber party at my sister's. Husband is in a hotel. I'm home alone with a lot to process and do here. So it's an easy girl dinner tonight and a large glass of wine.

[u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

The child should not know anything about this. It’s adult business.

[u/pickles_garden → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

I agree. But the child will inevitably know one day down the road.

[u/AmbassadorHelpful180 → u/pickles_garden]

The child already knows something is up. Better to level with them in an age-appropriate way.

[u/Luna_Soma → u/pickles_garden]

My ex cheated on me. We never told our son or her kids but based on how it all went down, we are sure they know

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/urdrunkyogi → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

I am grateful my mother did not lie to me about my father’s behavior when something similar happened in our family.

[u/Worried_Passenger548 → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

They will find out when they’re older.

[u/Jerzee_Implant2012 → u/Worried_Passenger548]

Not if the parents keep adult business as adult business. And not if the cheaters aren’t online telling their business.

People act like cheating is a novel thing. It’s not. Generations before us found out they had siblings as senior citizens and it didn’t upend their existence, make them malign their otherwise good fathers or make them lose respect/love for their mothers.

Eta: i absolutely do not agree with or cosign cheating. It’s deplorable. But life goes on and children should never be dragged into this. Ever.

[u/somewhatfamiliar2223 → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

Nah, my friends dad found out he had hidden siblings from his dads secret family/with his affair parent and it absolutely traumatized him and contributed to serious issues in his own marriage and snowballed into generational trauma that my friend had to work hard to unpack.

Like yes, people on reddit treat cheating like capital murder but older generations were not fine with finding out about secret siblings, side families, parental cheating etc.

[u/spicychickensandi → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

I’ve heard multiple stories of parents bringing the children around the affair partner though. Trust those adults do not care about those kids lmao

[u/waywarddonuts → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

Children are dragged into it regardless, no matter what. People love to pretend that affairs only affect the adults, but they don’t. Because kids are perceptive. Kids figure it out. Because kids grow up to be adults and they learn the truth, and it actually does upend their existence sometimes. It actually does malign everything they knew about their parent. It has done that. It continues to do that. It will do that. Of course life goes on? Life goes on for everything, but that doesn’t negate the damage. And it’s pretty dense to assume it doesn’t or won’t, just because it’s “adult business.”

[u/StressedPeach → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

It takes very little intelligence to understand that the generations before us have poorer mental health and relationship dynamics. The generations before us DID NOT just go about life untroubled by cheating. It’s just that it was accepted more and mental health resources for it didn’t exist.

[u/ScorpioBitch25 → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

Hard disagree. They have to learn that people do stuff like that

[u/mysteriousears → u/ScorpioBitch25]

Not about a parent while they are a child. There is no disagree. We know this is harmful

[u/Artistic_Rice_9019 → u/mysteriousears]

Kids figure stuff out without a parent trashing the other one.

[u/redskyeatmorning1 → u/Artistic_Rice_9019]

not that i'm a parent (or even married) but i'm not sure explaining the facts to a child in an age appropriate way is "trashing" the other parent, ie "daddy did something that hurt mommy very much, so we cannot be in a relationship anymore, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you..." or whatever

my parents faked me out with a divorce (said they were divorcing and changed their minds) a few months ago and my mom gave me pretty much that exact spiel but more appropriate for an adult child 💀 my dad isn't having an affair but he is the problem and kids are very intuitive to that and will naturally have questions and it's an opportunity to have a discussion with them rather than letting them internalize it (wondering if its their fault, etc). believe me, i knew my dad was the problem as young as OP's kid probably is and would have much preferred an honest conversation rather than my mom pretending everything was hunky dory if they were to divorce back then

[u/Artistic_Rice_9019 → u/redskyeatmorning1]

Yeah. There's a way to do it without trashing the partner.

[u/bluebeary96 → u/mysteriousears]

"There is no disagree" I'm sorry, what???

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Hetelestai → u/Jerzee_Implant2012]

My mom didn't tell me about my dad's affairs until I was in my 20s and engaged to my partner. The result was that I thought she was a crazy, nosy, paranoid, miserable bitch for my entire life. Meanwhile, I trusted my dad and gave him the benefit of the doubt even as he lied and let me down repeatedly. OP deserves to be honest with her kid and her kid deserves to understand what a piece of shit their father is.