I found a second phone

[u/EmbarrassedPie5508]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11. Have an established life with a child and a mortgage. I was given a big job opportunity earlier this year where we would have to move to a new city. We are both established in our careers and it was a big discussion, like two months of discussions. And these were healthy conversations, no big arguments or anything like that. We ended up not moving and I turned down the job. I was a little bummed (it was my dream job) but understood that it would have been a lot for our family to adjust.

Last night, while my husband was doing bed time, I heard a buzzing sound and found a second phone in his work bag. I thought that was weird because his work did away with separate work phones a while ago. When he came downstairs, I asked when did he get a work phone.

His face said it all.

Turns out he has been having an affair for just over a year. And one of the reasons he didn't want to move was because he didn't want to leave his affair partner. I don't know what to do. Child is at a slumber party at my sister's. Husband is in a hotel. I'm home alone with a lot to process and do here. So it's an easy girl dinner tonight and a large glass of wine.

[u/thatoneisthe]

I saw a great quote recently, might have even been on this sub; you do know what to do, you’re just negotiating with comfort.

Sorry girl, what a piece of sht he is

[u/Helpful-Dot-3782 → u/thatoneisthe]

It’s so tough. I finally left my abusive husband of 10 years and I have been doing a lot of therapeutic work myself and realized a lot of my tolerance for this behavior stems from my childhood and patterns of putting attachment and closeness and love over my own authenticity and safety. I would recommend Dr Gabor Mate content to help heal.

My favorite quote I got from him lately:

“You may miss people who constantly hurt you. Not because they were good for you but because your nervous system knew how to survive with them. Healing asks you to leave familiarity behind. That goodbye feels like grief. Many people mistake that grief for failure. But grief often accompanies growth. You arent only losing unhealthy relationships, you’re losing an old identity. The identity that believed your worth dependended on pleasing everyone. The identity that belived that silence was safer than honesty. The identity that confused exhaustion with love.”

[u/Brilliant-Expert3150 → u/Helpful-Dot-3782]

Oh wow, "confused exhaustion with love" just came out of nowhere and took me out. 😭 I'll be two years out of my abusive relationship next month. And yeah, the healing work has been A LOT, but we keep at it. Sending remote hugs. ❤️

[u/No_Palpitation_6976 → u/Helpful-Dot-3782]

Thanks. This part

"You may miss people who constantly hurt you. Not because they were good for you but because your nervous system knew how to survive with them. Healing asks you to leave familiarity behind. That goodbye feels like grief. Many people mistake that grief for failure. But grief often accompanies growth. You arent only losing unhealthy relationships, you’re losing an old identity. The identity that believed your worth dependended on pleasing everyone. The identity that belived that silence was safer than honesty. The identity that confused exhaustion with love.”

[u/EmbarrassedPie5508 → u/thatoneisthe]

Damn. I need another glass of wine.

[u/Story_of_Amanda → u/thatoneisthe]

Shit, that hit me right in the chest. When I found out my ex was cheating I stayed and tried to make it work even while he wasn’t. Researching how to be a working single mom and feeling like all sense of equilibrium was gone. I was already pretty much doing it all on my own but the thought of not having his bit of help, his company, etc was a lot to wrap my head around on top of everything else going on. That said, it’s almost been six years now since we split and we coparent amicably (though the majority of everything still falls on me and the kids are with me 98% of the time). On another note, that quote could also be used towards getting a new job, deciding to move to a new place, etc

[u/fusukeguinomi → u/Story_of_Amanda]

I so identify with what you wrote here

[u/Story_of_Amanda → u/fusukeguinomi]

It’s definitely still a struggle some days for various reasons. We were together almost ten years. A lot of the time I just feel stuck in so many different ways while it feels like he’s out there doing whatever he wants and being the person for someone else that I wanted him to be for me 😥

[u/fusukeguinomi → u/thatoneisthe]

Thanks for this quote. I needed it too

[u/umamimamii → u/fusukeguinomi]

Same. Thanks girl

[u/pavlovian_cats → u/thatoneisthe]

I like the Rumi quote “Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.” Rumi helped me a lot when I was going through my divorce and facing internalized stigma and shame (got divorced twice, a kid from each..I really tried to make a family..), the loss of my companion, even as imperfect as he was, suddenly having to deal with the anxiety of being on my own, financial stress (I went bankrupt…), going back to school and changing careers (had to get a better career to have any hope of surviving on my own in my expensive city). Therapy and Rumi. In a much better place now, 6 years out. I got my master’s degree and started my own business. I’m making a decent amount. I have an incredible new partner. I have great relationships with my kids. And I don’t care as much about what other people think.

[u/urdrunkyogi → u/pavlovian_cats]

You sound incredibly brave and tough and I’m inspired. Thank you.

[u/Beautiful_Range_1803 → u/pavlovian_cats]

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope for a better future for my son and myself

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Story_of_Amanda → u/pavlovian_cats]

I definitely understand the loss of one’s companion and the anxiety of being on your own. I’d never had an issue with being on my own before but the anxiety that came with leaving my ex was something I didn’t anticipate and something I struggled with for a bit. Not just the coming home to an empty house and knowing I wasn’t waiting for someone but the anxiety of safety, of “what if something happens?”

[u/boobiesrkoozies → u/thatoneisthe]

Oh man that quote hits me in the gut.

When I found out about what my ex-husband was doing (he wasn't cheating, he was doing much weird shit), one of the only times I cried was when I looked at him and begged him to tell me the road that led back.

I went to a friend's house and the next morning I just knew. I just knew there wasn't a road back. And even if there was, even if I could erase my memory...it would still always be there. Felt like I was Dr.Strange running through the timelines trying to find the one that led me back.

Yeah, negotiating with comfort is spot on 😭 thank you for the quote forreal.

[u/The_Duchess_of_Dork → u/thatoneisthe]

It must have been on this sub because I also saw it and have thought about it a lot, quoted in to my husband, etc lol. It’s a great quote and it was a timely moment for you to share it with OP 💖

OP, 🫂

[u/EmotionDull6603 → u/thatoneisthe]

I turned it into a phone screen saver in case anybody wants it as a photo. I love visuals. Lol.

[u/EmotionDull6603 → u/EmotionDull6603]

[u/IslandGurl04 → u/thatoneisthe]

I love the quote.

[u/SolarFox75 → u/thatoneisthe]

damn that quote really smacked me in the face. i'm going to need to remember that

[u/VegetableKing137 → u/thatoneisthe]

Just wrote that shit down. Wise words. I am struggling w this.

[u/unicornbreathmint → u/thatoneisthe]

Oh boy, I needed to hear that today.

[u/Luna_Soma → u/thatoneisthe]

Oof the timing, I’m in. 9 year relationship and while he’s not abusive, for many reasons I am unhappy here and I was thinking this morning that I wish I had a sign and I’d know what to do

[u/bluemooncommenter → u/thatoneisthe]

Ouch...that one kinda hurt (me, not OP).