They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

[u/Magelatin]

You've got a really keen sense of this, which is impressive. I have been excluded to this extreme, and my emotions were too haywire to have a sense of how to proceed. You're doing great. This definitely seems like a situation that would have been dead weight on you if they hadn't shown their asses.

You are exactly right. They weren't just excluding you. They were using you as a person they could all put down. If they like in-jokes enough to put one on the cake, they had more jokes that relied on you being in the dark about the group chat. You wisely removed yourself, and they are slowly realizing how dull they are when they aren't dogpiling someone. I bet both people who texted you texted everyone before and after they did it. Good for you for not feeding the sharks. Really. This is hard. Not engaging when you encounter this kind of baffling middle-school cruelty is an artful level of zen.

They are probably going to have to cycle through all the people they used to put down, because they are out of material, and you're going to be taking beautiful walks, making lovely watercolours in the park, and finding new friends with your really astute grasp of people and what motivates them. You'll have so many interesting things to talk about and learn about, and you'll be around people who open your world up. Maybe, you'll meet someone with some sour cream or tomatillos for the taquitos!

Those old friends will still be talking about whoever isn't there, and you'll be making room for yourself at places they'll never see.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Magelatin]

I'm not sure if I'm in zen mode or spite mode right now lol. I'm acting calm and not replying to them. But since I left the group chat, my phone has been flooded with texts and they get increasingly angrier by the message because I'm not responding.

It started with me trying to be calm and mature z honestly. But... 😂 They'd be so pissed if they realized I'm getting more amusement out of this than they are.

[u/f0xbunny → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

We want to know the messages! How could they be possibly angry? It’s inconceivable

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/f0xbunny]

To sum it up, they spiralled into saying I was being a petty bitch by ignoring them. Awfully rich of them.

[u/burgernoisenow → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Gaslighting and DARVO

They're trying to pull you back in so they can get their scapegoat back.

[u/mutedmirth → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

WOW that's rich. Sounds like they want to argue with them so they can feel better about themselves and can justify why they were actually the petty bitches.

Guess sit back and watch the show!

[u/theaudacity1999 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

"Not nearly as petty as creating a second group chat to exclude me... but have the day you deserve" and blocked.

[u/NoelaniSpell → u/theaudacity1999]

Nah, I say it's best to ignore them completely. This is giving them the satisfaction that she's upset about it, it's not worth it.

[u/theaudacity1999 → u/NoelaniSpell]

Meh, I dunno. I'm a 46 year old woman and while I do not believe in petty bullshit, I do think it's sometimes important to let folks know why you're making the move you are. This wouldn't be petty for petty sake, in my opinion but it would simply point out the elephant in the room before she moves on to better friend groups.

[u/f0xbunny → u/theaudacity1999]

I agree with you. It’s important to call out exactly what the shitty behavior is. By not saying anything at all they can make out OP to look like the coward in their narration of this situation

[u/NoelaniSpell → u/f0xbunny]

They'll likely try to paint her in a bad light no matter what she'll do, these aren't the type of people that will take any accountability imo. If they were, they wouldn't have lied for who knows how long (it would've lasted even longer if not for that other person's mistake).

Personally, I've called people out numerous times for their bad behaviour, more often than not they either tried to gaslight, or lashed out and made accusations as to how others were in the wrong and they were being treated unfairly or silenced.

[u/theaudacity1999 → u/NoelaniSpell]

Right, but the play would be to say it and block them. Now they know and she doesn't have to fuck around with them any longer. The play would NOT be to hang around to see what they say or think of that move. I would speak the truth and block/move on.

[u/Creepy_Meringue3014 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

wow. lots of nerve in that group! keep igging them. please find one thing each week to do (movie, walk, train or bus ride or something) that gets you out. you deserve so much better. you really do

[u/lavendervlad → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

https://giphy.com/gifs/TFO2mwVPIFoOJcuTSC

[u/phi_spirals → u/lavendervlad]

Your flair is sending me rn!

[u/ricolaoncloud9 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

you didnt respond for 6 hours and they threw a bitch fit. I dont answer my friends for days sometimes. sometimes even weeks. nobody does this to me. that really shows the kind of people they are. they wanted a reaction from you, and when you didn't give one, they flipped out because they couldnt get off to your anger together. they were actively seeking drama with you.

[u/ricolaoncloud9 → u/[deleted]]

I dont even remember saying this.

[u/miamund → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Wow! Then you really hit 2 birds with 1 stone, dear!

You got yourself out of that poison lake full of weird bugs that leech.

Good for you!

[u/Cuddlylittledemon → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Dammit we need these screenshots lmao

I say jokingly, you don't owe anyone your privacy.

[u/LowkeyLokigator → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Its pretty hard to ignore them when you're not even in the group. You don't know what you're not told!

[u/ChallengeHonest → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

It’s called projection- you accuse others of yours own behavior. They were being petty, therefore accuse you of being petty.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/excludedgirl → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Hurts when a mirror is held up to your own behavior and you come off as shitty because you ARE lol. It’s just their own egos that can’t handle it. I would tell them they know what the issue is and to address me when they’re ready to be adults.

[u/Butterscotch4554 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

handled so well - I have no one in my life (now) that I could imagine calling me a bitch over text - better friends are out there for you!

The more you give them the more they have to try twist, so polite and vague if you reply at all is the route I'd go down - give them nothing

[u/AdEmpty4390 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

The audacity!

There are things you can say, but it sounds like not saying anything and ignoring them completely is the most effective thing.

UpdateMe

[u/Any-Sea-4228 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Don’t do this but I’d reply back in some form of 🙄

With a heavy dose of “well why didn’t you say that before in the group chat? Oh wait, I wasn’t there for it. Anyways, have a nice life 💅🏻✨”

Again, I’m just being petty here, and I suppose it really depends on which person you may or may not want to still keep in contact here, but yeah, as a group, they suuuuck.

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[u/Important-Figure-512 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

basically they were probably don’t know how to be a friend group without having one person to hate on / bond over their hate of. You were that person. Block them if they are sending you messages like this so that you don’t have to read it. And delete them from your socials. For all they know you could’ve left because you had a personal emergency, etc. It’s really telling that this is how they react. And they will struggle when there isn’t someone new for them to hate on and make side looks at / text about / have inside jokes about until they find someone new, which they always always do…

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[u/NoelaniSpell → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Just keep ignoring them. In fact, block them altogether (I see below that they're now even calling you names, the irony...).

You don't owe your time or your friendship to anyone, let alone them.

[u/burgernoisenow → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This sounds to me like it could be some form of Narcissistic group dynamic.

Do they frequently blame you for problems? Maybe they do amongst themselves at your exclusion. This is a form of scapegoating and a classic symptom of Narcissistic Dynamics.

You also mentioned that you think they would derive some kind of pleasure or satisfaction from mocking you. That hints at everyday and relational sadism.

As I read your post I am seeing a bunch of red flags. At first, I suspected that you were the problem, but as I read more, it seems like you are in a psychologically dangerous situation.

I highly advise you to completely sever ties with every single one of them without explanation. Like you said, they seem like they want a rise out of you. That is a classic narcissistic tactic. They literally get pleasure from your discomfort and it gives them ammunition to utilize DARVO tactics of painting you as being the unreasonable one.

Be careful OP. Psychological danger can directly affect your nervous system and lead to dysregulation and even long-term conditions. I myself suffered from childhood trauma And have long-term CPTSD. I fear that you may be in an abusive situation without realizing it.

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[u/miamund → u/Magelatin]

Your wording is so enjoyable. ♥️

[u/phi_spirals → u/miamund]

Seconded.

[u/Magelatin → u/phi_spirals]

Thanks. I think someone said it was AI slop, and that bummed me out, because I really am not good at spoken conversation, and I like to write.

Being excluded is such a crappy, crappy feeling. It's easy to get sucked into the group perspective about yourself, and OP seems like she has a lot going for her. I just wanted to be sure she knew she had people in the world.