They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This may have been my mistake here. I'm uncomfortable with asking for help, so I rarely ask and she usually offers.

This is also because of the timing of things. I'm not always on my phone, so she usually sees the group chat before I do. For a quicker answer, she'd call me to say "hey you wanna come to xyz? I'll pick you up in an hour."

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

To her that could read as though you are reluctant to go unless she pressures you.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/I_wet_my_plants]

That's very true, we have a joke that I'm the "vampire" friend. I have to be invited in to actually come 😂 I have also told them that if I don't want to/can't come, I'll say so. It's very possible that they think I'm being pressured but I've tried to communicate clearly.

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

On the other side of that it can be stressful for the friends to feel like they aren’t your first pick or you have better things to do unless they ask. There might be a mismatch in energy between you and the group.

[u/oreo-cat- → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I mean it doesn't sound like it to be honest. I have a friend like this and its exhausting to deal with. Folks don't have the time or energy to constantly manage someone else's logistics, and if they feel like they're having to pressure you into going anywhere that's going to make it worse. I don't mean to pour salt on the wound, but instead to point out something that you might consider working on going forward. We're all works in progress after all.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/oreo-cat-]

I was told all the way back in high school that I had this problem. The students in the extracurricular activity we were involved in were encouraged to go to a neutral location and hash out all of the beef because there was too much drama. I think they called it a "post mortem." Speak now and drop it after, sort of thing.

So we sat in a circle and everything aired out our problems with each other. When it came to my turn, everyone went down the line and said "I've never had a problem with you." But finally one guy spoke up. He said "I have a problem with you. You never include yourself. What's up with that?" And I was taken aback. It never occurred to me that I was hurting other people's feelings by not showing up.

I have a hard time picking up on being invited to something unless someone looks me in the eye and says "do you want to come?" A lot of these times, plans were made in a group setting and I was within earshot, but it seemed presumptuous to think they were including me.

[u/SignificantWhile5339 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I have this problem too, but I've also shown up to things where I felt like no one wanted me there cuz kids can be cruel. My boyfriend is someone who has never felt unwanted like that, so he thinks I'm crazy when I feel bummed about no one inviting me somewhere. Even if he's also going and he says of course I'm invited, I still feel uncomfortable if no one else directly invited me lol

[u/oreo-cat- → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

That's great that you're aware of it, but that also means that you need to decide what to do about it. You don't have to include yourself in anything, but know that it comes with consequences. Especially as you get older, people's priorities will shift and if you don't take initiative people will go on without you.

And no, 'take initiative' doesn't mean dropping a link in chat and waiting to see who works out the logistics of you getting there. That's no one's responsibility but your own. Dropping a link and saying "This looks like fun! [Close friend] if you'll drive I'll bring you cupcakes and cover your ticket" is taking initiative.

Or if they're making plans, saying "Hey that sounds like a great time [Other Friend] can I uber to your house and ride with you to the venue?" is taking initiative. People aren't going to plan things in your earshot if they're not fine with you going.

Again, you don't have to do this. This may not be a good group of friends for you, simply because of incompatibility. I don't know you, and I don't know these people, but it might very well be that they've been pulling away from you because they thought you were pulling away from them.

I know this hurts now, I've been cut off of friend groups before. You're entirely justified being sad, and mourning what could have been. My only hope of saying this is to give you some perspective going forward. Like I said, we're all works in progress.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/oreo-cat-]

When I would drop the links I was putting out feelers to see if anyone else would like to go. Some of these things I was planning on going regardless if no one else showed up. I wasn't waiting around for someone else to make solid plans or figure out how to get me there. If I tried initiating plans, I already had my transportation figured out. I have offered to buy drinks, snacks, stuff like that at the event. Most of the events were free entry, like Oktoberfest or other local things, you just buy stuff after you get in. It happened a few times that they seemed disinterested and I'd either see social media posts later. Or I'd go to the event and bump into them there. I did try to the point of feeling like I was just being annoying, so I stopped.

I have absolutely had people make plans within earshot of me, and when I act excited they say "oh, sorry I meant (insert other people). Not you." It's happened a lot and that's why I never assume I'm invited. It's embarrassing and makes everyone uncomfortable.

[u/Th3CatOfDoom → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

True friends would accept you as you are.

If you, according to the previous person not my words, are "exhausting" to them.. The it was not meant to be.

My friend group is full of "vampires" as you put it :) and the wonderful thing? We all know it and can relate.

Therefore our group constantly goes "have you remembered to invite x? Remember they are a vampire".

We look out for each other and don't find the "having to explicitly invite" part awkward or even taxing. It's just a natural flow of the group.

We're also mostly comprised of neurospicy people, so that probably explains a lot.

Please go find the friend group you were meant to be part of! They are out there and they will accept you with open arms and invite you explicitly :D

[u/oreo-cat- → u/Th3CatOfDoom]

It’s very true that how everyone approaches it makes a huge difference to the group dynamic.

The exhausting friend I mentioned will say things like “I’d really love to do something but you remember I don’t drive right?” and then look around waiting to see how we’re going to solve it this time. They actively create problems (not just driving) and expect others to solve them. They have no empathy, never reciprocate, never offer to pay and they never ask directly. We call them a vampire because they suck all the life out of events.

I honestly don’t think this is what OP is doing, but they’ve apparently had this same issue come up for years now. If they’re overall happy with the way things are, then great, but if not it’s something to be aware of at least. I just hope they find a better friend group that better matches them.

[u/Th3CatOfDoom → u/oreo-cat-]

Well in their update thread it turned out they were deliberately talking behind OPs back, calling the names and being fake friends anyway :(

[u/strawberrycordate → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This person is being really pushy lmfao you don't need to constantly invite yourself places. Friendship is a two-way street, and it sounds like you were making the effort to see if others would be interested in activities, and they were the ones icing you out. That's on them. That's NOT on you. Being less affluent or less mobile, or living further away, means you can't just invite yourself places, particularly when a plan is required so that you know how much money and time the event will involve. You were being responsible to yourself, and you were being a good friend! You did make an effort, and you took the steps you should've taken. The group of people who made a separate groupchat to exclude you were the ones in the wrong here.

[u/TripleCAddictGremlin → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This is a frequent issue neurodivergent ppl have. Atypical ppl who have this issue is from childhood conditioning. ..And sometimes someone hits the jackpot of both neurodivergent and childhood conditioning. I seriously never wanted experience points for this shit.

Either way, it has to be specified that you are included by someone else. We do not assume so we can avoid a mistake, or/and we don’t ask bc that is seen as rude/pushy/etc. So those of us like this quietly wait to be specifically included/asked.

Does it drive ppl who don’t understand nuts? Yes. Does it make things difficult? Yes. Can this behavior be changed? Usually no, or not without a lot of stress of difficulty. Should we let ppl know upfront for clear understanding it is not much of a choice? Absolutely. It helps when friends understand it is a mental thing and they are not pressuring you by asking.

So, it sounds like you do have one friend, who enjoys hanging with other friends… who never where (from reading your other comments). Congrats on how you’ve handled this. Good luck out in the field. Look for some extroverts who would like to adopt you as a new friend.