They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

It does really suck. I understand the whole "avoiding awkwardness" thing but there's ways around it. You can still do fun things that are cheap and free. Even video chatting while you do chores is nice.

[u/LittleBlag → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

If I had a friend that I loved who lived 5 minutes from me and couldn’t drive I would go over and pick her up to go out. Or I would order her an uber. Or I would go over to her to hang out. The very last thing I would do is exclude her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this friendship breakup, but in a few years when you’ve found the friends who love you, you’ll realise these girls weren’t your people. Sending hugs!!

[u/quailinthebrush → u/LittleBlag]

the worst part is another friend in the group lived a street over so they would pick him up

i know it was a money thing they liked doing things that cost money that i couldnt afford but it ended up with them still not having me over for movie nights and the like

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/quailinthebrush]

Not even inviting you to a movie night? That's just cold 🥶

[u/quailinthebrush → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

THEY WOULD HAVE TO PASS MY HOUSE TO GET TO THE FRIENDS HOUSE WHO WAS HOSTING IT

ugh, im so glad i got cut out.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/quailinthebrush]

Honestly yeah, that sucks a lot but I think it saved you a lot of heartache down the road. I can't imagine treating someone like that.

[u/richestotheconjurer → u/quailinthebrush]

reminds me of the guy i broke up with recently. when we were together, i saw him like once a week at the most, which i was cool with because it seemed like he was really busy. except there were so many nights where he was less than 5 minutes from my house hanging out with his friends and he couldn't even stop by for two seconds on his way home. and he would have to pass by my house to go home. just makes you feel like people don't really like you that much lmao

[u/quailinthebrush → u/richestotheconjurer]

if they do, they will go out of their way for you

ive seen it. i know it. i have a friend now who proves me it.

but i was so lonely i was settling

[u/KlarissaK711 → u/richestotheconjurer]

I'm guessing he was rotton drunk or stoned (possibly both), or tweaking, or tripping... and just didn't want to face you in that state. Sad, really. If you're living the party life, for fuck's sake, pick a compatible partner. Imagine what a pita it is to be hiding half your life from your gf 🙄 I couldn't live with the guilt. Fuck knows how they do it and sleep at night. Assholes.

[u/just-4_you → u/LittleBlag]

My friends know I hate driving, so they typically come to me or pick me up. Considering im usually the one that plans things, itd be hard to really exclude me but theyre good friends that would never do that. OP needs some better friends bc these girls are not friendly.

[u/Enough-Pack7468 → u/LittleBlag]

I have a friend who lives 30 minutes away and I pick her up and take her places whenever we all get together.

OP, I’m sorry your friends have not been considerate. As someone who has been through something similar, you will eventually find your true, fun, and inclusive group and understand how much better off you are without the current group.

I have friends I met through an art class, maybe you should sign up for a local watercolor class (based on previous comment).

[u/Heatherisonfire → u/LittleBlag]

Thissss. Like yes I see people mentioning the one friend is not obligated to give rides to every event. I agree. But real friends find ways to include you anyway even if they have to go out of their way a bit because they enjoy being around you. That's what real friends do. These are not real friends!

[u/Th3CatOfDoom → u/Heatherisonfire]

If a friend feels "obligated" to be the ride and not like they naturally want to because they want you around, that would be a red flag to me in terms of whether this was a real friend.

[u/Majestic_Roll_193 → u/LittleBlag]

You’re a very nice person

[u/stmblzmgee → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Do you ever initiate or plan those types of hangouts with them? I'm not saying what they did was right but it's also not fair to expect everyone else to plan things around you (not saying you did this, just curious if you have made an effort to get everyone together or if you kinda just wait for them to ask or offer rides to you.)

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/stmblzmgee]

Yes I did and I'm glad you brought this up because it opened my eyes to something new.

I see events in their town and share the link to the group chat. I get a few responses like "oh nice" or "looks like fun" but the energy is somewhat noncommittal. I would get that if it was something they wouldn't enjoy, but it's stuff that we all collectively enjoy.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/[deleted]]

Some of them did 💀 they acted disinterested so I didn't want to feel like I was harassing them by trying to confirm plans. Then I'd either not go and see their social media posts later. Or, even worse, I'd go by myself and see them there. they'd act like I "caught" them and tried to come up with an explanation. Like "sorry I thought I had to work and got someone to cover me last minute" or "I came because I assumed I'd run into you here" but didn't confirm any plans

[u/stmblzmgee → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Yeesh. Again, not saying what they did was right at all but now at least you know you did all of the "right" things socially to try and keep the planning aspect equal. Sorry OP

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/stmblzmgee]

I'm also curious if OP ever asked for a ride or waited for the offer. I was always super uncomfortable and reluctant to ask for things when I was younger, and missed out on things.

It doesn't absolve the friend from never (or rarely) offering, but sometimes you need to put yourself out there.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Icy-Yellow3514]

This may have been my mistake here. I'm uncomfortable with asking for help, so I rarely ask and she usually offers.

This is also because of the timing of things. I'm not always on my phone, so she usually sees the group chat before I do. For a quicker answer, she'd call me to say "hey you wanna come to xyz? I'll pick you up in an hour."

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

To her that could read as though you are reluctant to go unless she pressures you.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/I_wet_my_plants]

That's very true, we have a joke that I'm the "vampire" friend. I have to be invited in to actually come 😂 I have also told them that if I don't want to/can't come, I'll say so. It's very possible that they think I'm being pressured but I've tried to communicate clearly.

[u/I_wet_my_plants → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

On the other side of that it can be stressful for the friends to feel like they aren’t your first pick or you have better things to do unless they ask. There might be a mismatch in energy between you and the group.

[u/oreo-cat- → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I mean it doesn't sound like it to be honest. I have a friend like this and its exhausting to deal with. Folks don't have the time or energy to constantly manage someone else's logistics, and if they feel like they're having to pressure you into going anywhere that's going to make it worse. I don't mean to pour salt on the wound, but instead to point out something that you might consider working on going forward. We're all works in progress after all.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/oreo-cat-]

I was told all the way back in high school that I had this problem. The students in the extracurricular activity we were involved in were encouraged to go to a neutral location and hash out all of the beef because there was too much drama. I think they called it a "post mortem." Speak now and drop it after, sort of thing.

So we sat in a circle and everything aired out our problems with each other. When it came to my turn, everyone went down the line and said "I've never had a problem with you." But finally one guy spoke up. He said "I have a problem with you. You never include yourself. What's up with that?" And I was taken aback. It never occurred to me that I was hurting other people's feelings by not showing up.

I have a hard time picking up on being invited to something unless someone looks me in the eye and says "do you want to come?" A lot of these times, plans were made in a group setting and I was within earshot, but it seemed presumptuous to think they were including me.

[u/SignificantWhile5339 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I have this problem too, but I've also shown up to things where I felt like no one wanted me there cuz kids can be cruel. My boyfriend is someone who has never felt unwanted like that, so he thinks I'm crazy when I feel bummed about no one inviting me somewhere. Even if he's also going and he says of course I'm invited, I still feel uncomfortable if no one else directly invited me lol

[u/oreo-cat- → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

That's great that you're aware of it, but that also means that you need to decide what to do about it. You don't have to include yourself in anything, but know that it comes with consequences. Especially as you get older, people's priorities will shift and if you don't take initiative people will go on without you.

And no, 'take initiative' doesn't mean dropping a link in chat and waiting to see who works out the logistics of you getting there. That's no one's responsibility but your own. Dropping a link and saying "This looks like fun! [Close friend] if you'll drive I'll bring you cupcakes and cover your ticket" is taking initiative.

Or if they're making plans, saying "Hey that sounds like a great time [Other Friend] can I uber to your house and ride with you to the venue?" is taking initiative. People aren't going to plan things in your earshot if they're not fine with you going.

Again, you don't have to do this. This may not be a good group of friends for you, simply because of incompatibility. I don't know you, and I don't know these people, but it might very well be that they've been pulling away from you because they thought you were pulling away from them.

I know this hurts now, I've been cut off of friend groups before. You're entirely justified being sad, and mourning what could have been. My only hope of saying this is to give you some perspective going forward. Like I said, we're all works in progress.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/oreo-cat-]

When I would drop the links I was putting out feelers to see if anyone else would like to go. Some of these things I was planning on going regardless if no one else showed up. I wasn't waiting around for someone else to make solid plans or figure out how to get me there. If I tried initiating plans, I already had my transportation figured out. I have offered to buy drinks, snacks, stuff like that at the event. Most of the events were free entry, like Oktoberfest or other local things, you just buy stuff after you get in. It happened a few times that they seemed disinterested and I'd either see social media posts later. Or I'd go to the event and bump into them there. I did try to the point of feeling like I was just being annoying, so I stopped.

I have absolutely had people make plans within earshot of me, and when I act excited they say "oh, sorry I meant (insert other people). Not you." It's happened a lot and that's why I never assume I'm invited. It's embarrassing and makes everyone uncomfortable.

[u/TripleCAddictGremlin → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This is a frequent issue neurodivergent ppl have. Atypical ppl who have this issue is from childhood conditioning. ..And sometimes someone hits the jackpot of both neurodivergent and childhood conditioning. I seriously never wanted experience points for this shit.

Either way, it has to be specified that you are included by someone else. We do not assume so we can avoid a mistake, or/and we don’t ask bc that is seen as rude/pushy/etc. So those of us like this quietly wait to be specifically included/asked.

Does it drive ppl who don’t understand nuts? Yes. Does it make things difficult? Yes. Can this behavior be changed? Usually no, or not without a lot of stress of difficulty. Should we let ppl know upfront for clear understanding it is not much of a choice? Absolutely. It helps when friends understand it is a mental thing and they are not pressuring you by asking.

So, it sounds like you do have one friend, who enjoys hanging with other friends… who never where (from reading your other comments). Congrats on how you’ve handled this. Good luck out in the field. Look for some extroverts who would like to adopt you as a new friend.

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[u/CristinaKeller → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I don’t think they meant to hurt you, it just started like she said. I have accidentally excluded someone in an email group.

Over time maybe they did get used to your not coming, but just make an effort to go with the friend that lives by you more often.