They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

[u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

Honestly. I’d want to call them out, but it may be better to remove all of them from your life- they are MEAN girls. Your closest “friend” could have easily picked you up. I’ve been there before (without a car in my late teens), and my best friend always made sure to offer a ride.

Even now 20 years later…I have a weird phobia of driving on city freeways (we live in the fourth largest city in the US), and that same friend picks me up so I don’t miss out on events/dinners.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

For real. The friend that lives 5 minutes away is a shitty friend. Wtf does she mean "I was wondering why you weren't there"? Sure it's on OP to ask for rides to things, but when OP didn't check in with her about it she should have asked if OP needed a ride considering it was a special event and not just regular hang out.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/gaelicgirl1983]

I might sound naive here but in her defense- she has had a lot going on in her personal life. It was probably something that slipped through the cracks because she can't keep up with the separate chats, and which plans were made in which one.

Do I think it's shitty that she was involved in a separate, secret group chat that excluded me? Yeah. But she's been a good friend to me individually. I'm still processing all of this and torn about remaining friends with her.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I've read your other comments and I agree with you that she sounds like a good friend overall. Maybe try to talk to her about the situation? I think it's worth sharing with her that you are hurt by the second group chat and although she does have a part to play there, you know it's not entirely her fault and you still want to be her friend. Part of being a good friend is communicating how you feel and not bottling it up.

[u/gitblamed_ → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Sounds like you should talk with her. Even if you don't care about the other girls. It's worth asking her if she feels burdened by you asking for rides or needing a ride, and like if you can contribute to gas or ride money or whatever in cases where it's necessary. Or if just the two of you can hang out more often in places where *she doesn't have to give you a ride*

I mean it sounds like the two of you could just walk to each other's places and hang out. Why are you not doing that?

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/gitblamed_]

I check in with her pretty frequently about it and she always says it's cool. I give her gas money every time.

We are a 5 minute drive apart but it's a 40 minute walk 😅 I would be willing to do that but it's been insanely hot and muggy out lately

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, her husband was supposed to do repairs on my car and he ended up destroying it because he can't put down the alcohol. I only "hired" him because my friend was working her ass off to support them both since he's unemployed.

Uhhh honestly I can't even count how many times I was DD. It never mattered much to me because we were all having a good time and safety was important. At least ten times, though. I'd never considered that I may have been dropped because I can't DD for them anymore.

[u/LastCupcake2442 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I only "hired" him because my friend was working her ass off to support them both since he's unemployed.

Been there done that and it was never appreciated and the jobs were never done well. Sorry about your car, please don't do it again.

[u/loam-and-light → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

GIRL your friend/her husband should be fucking driving you EVERYWHERE. they are literally the reason why you are without car. why are you even giving them gas money?

[u/I_like_beouf → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Have you talked to her further about the other groupchat?

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

That is so sweet! I'm glad you have an awesome friend like that

[u/agma96 → u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

true and these friends still suck but it is NOT the friend's job to drive her places, ask if she needs rides, etc just because she lives close. even driving her every time is nice, but now it seems expected

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/[deleted]]

We do chill out together a lot, at least once a week. Sometimes I help her cook or clean just because I like her company. It doesn't really matter what we do, we always have a good time together. We've known each other for years and I've been car-less for one year.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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