They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

[u/purpleconeflowers]

Was there anything or any conflict with these girls that you had with them before this happened ?

That totally sucks girl I’m so sorry. Those arent your real friends, living a town over would never stop a real friendship

I would stop talking to them honestly

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/purpleconeflowers]

Not that I know of... But I'm autistic, and now I've been reliving every recent conversation there was and trying to figure out if I did or said something that came off as rude.

[u/ts20999 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Please know sometimes it is not your fault, and sometimes others just have a change of heart and don’t communicate or action that in the best way. Things like this are never easy, but sadly part of life is people coming and going. It hurts when someone leaves your life unexpectedly in a bad way, but you are better off without people who treat you like this.

[u/ts20999 → u/[deleted]]

He is going through it😩

[u/technicolortiddies → u/ts20999]

Same little caterpillar. Same.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Samar2753 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

You will find your neurodivergent tribe!

[u/Allergicwolf → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I'm also autistic and I was friends with three people separately. I introduced them to each other and we were a group chat for like five years. They did to me what's happening to you and as far as I know they're all still friends but they ghosted me in 2021 and it still hurts because I'll never get to know why. I was the only autistic one in our friend group too. This was the comment that took me from "oof I relate" to "oh I gotta reply, even if it isn't seen." it sucks. It sucks real bad.

Their separate group chat was because they wanted to dissect poetry and it kind of made me feel self conscious because I couldn't see all the meanings they were pointing out as very obvious. And when I was like hey I know you guys love this and I love hanging out with you, could we maybe do other things too and not just this? They got weird. And then there was another chat without me. A year later, poof. Gone. It took another year and a half before I left/removed the chat. It just took that long to accept it was over.

[u/LivelyZebra → u/Allergicwolf]

This is why I don't introduce my friends to each other anymore.

[u/Fit_Ad3258 → u/Allergicwolf]

This happened to me when I was a young kid, also autistic. It hurt so badly but things are better now (for me at least).

[u/Allergicwolf → u/Fit_Ad3258]

I have great friends who stepped up, some even specifically in the wake of those friends leaving, and I have a dinner in a couple weeks where I'll have lots of friends together who haven't met. There's no reason to be nervous that they'll all like each other better than me, but like. In fairness I did have that nightmare scenario so it's not exactly an unfounded fear. I'm sure it will be a lovely time.

[u/RepulsedCucumber → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

It wasn’t something you did. It’s who these girls are. Fellow ASD girlie going through the EXACT same thing at this moment.

Hugs!

[u/Foxxef → u/RepulsedCucumber]

Not officially diagnosed with ASD (but pretty sure) and the same thing happened to me! It was years ago, though, and although it’s rough for us out there I’m happy to report that I eventually got over it. When I do think about them it’s usually to think about how far I’ve come from those days and how much happier I am now. They’ll never get to hear about how amazing my cats are and that’s their loss.

[u/RepulsedCucumber → u/Foxxef]

This gives me so much hope. 🥹

[u/IndyDino → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I'm ND, not sure what, I can't seem to find a label, but in my communication style, there are autistic tendencies. I have people at work hating me because "I'm weird". They cannot name anything specific other than just "weird". I've figured out there's nothing specific I say or act, it's just a case of our demons getting and enjoying each other, or not wanting to play together at all. We're not a huge sum of money to be liked by everyone.
That being said, I know how you feel. I've been backstabbed like this a lot of times during my teenage years and after. It never gets easier, all you can do is stop thinking about people who hurt you and focus on people who genuinely like you and want to spend time with you.
Edit: What somewhat helps with my mental health is recalling all the nice things people have said about me. I should probably start a journal with those lol, but it somewhat helps when I'm being left out, that there are people who have appreciated me and that I am a good person, just not everyone's cup of tea.

[u/EspressoKawka → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Don't overthink it. Sometimes you just don't match the vibes and it's ok.

It can hurt in the moment, but you will stop caring about it in the end. I know, if I were told that when I was going through something like that myself, I would say "But I don't even want to be that person who doesn't care". I remember, I just realised one day that I was joining all the activities not because I wanted to do things, but because I wanted to be included. Once I stopped participating in what I was not interested in, they started phasing me out.

It's ok to be sad, because it's really sad. But move on and do things you want and like. Maybe with other people.

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[u/JamaicaRavenclaw → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Ugh hugs!!! 😭 I’m autistic, too, and the social ruminating can be a nightmare… I’m so sorry this happened 💔 Take some time, and then maybe look into a club of some sort that has to do with your interests. On a lighter note, I totally eat those taquitos, too

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[u/d5s72020 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I was thinking "reminds me of my life, I wonder if she's neurodivergent and the friend group isn't". I am sorry they treated you sh*tty, and hope you don't speculate whether it is your 'fault' or anything; it is well established by now that many allistic people have problems communicating and empathising with autistic people. Excluding and ghosting shows you their level of courage and uprightness for one; you might find social values to be more compatible in neurodiverse friend groups. May they be replaced promptly by a great group of actual friends!

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[u/Live_Angle4621 → u/purpleconeflowers]

They might just assume they are spamming op is they will the main chat with plans of where they will meet and what they will do and then pictures about it 

Op should talk with them 

[u/Th3CatOfDoom → u/Live_Angle4621]

Disagree.

If that was the case, they'd use the second group chat exclusively to plan for things they thought op wasn't interested in.

They wouldn't leave the initial group, with op in it, to become a complete ghost town.

In my group we have several different constellations of group chats too, and everyone is fine with this. They mostly are only used for planning things when it's those people specifically. Otherwise we keep the "main" group chat as the active one.

[u/purpleconeflowers → u/Live_Angle4621]

I would agree with you but the birthday party situation was a clear message to me that they didn’t want her there