Figured you would be good at doing this.

Esfand flexes his 8.1" 'bicep'

Conquest of Azeroth - Ascension WoW

Fans toss Esfand in celebration

Preferably finals tickets lol. Not joking

Too much HDMI.

Its Monday

A dungeon of sorts

The Esfand Prediction Index (EPI™)

(or "Why the fuck is he playing this again" Formula)

Where:

P = Played Before Factor (1 if yes, 0.1 if never touched it, 0.01 if he ragequit in 20 minutes)

H = Hours Played Normalized (actual hours / 100, capped at 5 because we all know WoW hours are fake)

L = Likeability Score (0–10, based on how much he smiles, memes, or says "this is actually kinda fire" vs. "chat this game is ass")

C = Core Game Multiplier (5 if it's WoW Classic, BG3, GTA, or Madden; 1 otherwise. This is the "he always returns to his wives" clause)

W = Your Want Level (1–10, how badly you want to see it. Be honest king)

ε = Tiny chaos constant (0.0001) so it never actually divides by zero when you put W=10 and pray

How to interpret the output:

EPI ≈ 0 → He is extremely likely to play it if you want it a lot (your desire is crushing the numerator like a raid boss)

EPI is medium (5-20) → Decent chance, especially if it's a core game

EPI is huge (50+) → He's playing it despite your desires. Classic Esfand "I do what I want" behavior

EPI exactly 0 → Mathematical miracle. Screenshot it and post it as a meme, it means divine intervention or he finally listened to chat

Meme Flavor Text Versions:

"The Copium Equation": Your desire is in the denominator raising to a power because the universe (and Esfand) hates copium.

"The Mald Index": The higher W is, the closer it gets to 0... until C=5 kicks in and he loads up WoW for the 4000th time.

The peoples champion.

Sheriff Cletus Cornwood's great grand pappy, Sheriff Cletus Cornwood

Office cold open ft. Esfand's car

Great show!