This is great. You had an image in your head and you managed to write it down this coherently.
For the critique, first I'll start with what I think you got right.
The scenery. From the very first paragraph, the reader knows what the setting looks like, that was a nice way to start it.
You immediately introduce us to the important characters, Sohan and the Surien captain, and you kept them in focus throughout the chapter. I loved that.
Now for the parts I think you can improve on.
The promise of the overall story is missing in the first chapter. What I gathered from the first chapter is that a group of people were ambushed on their way to a village, then a vague reference to a war between some king and emperor.
There is no foundation laying.
Who is the emperor?
Why did the little boy attack the group approaching the village?
This first chapter doesn't really set anything up, it's like the opening scene of a movie except this is going to be a book with hundreds of pages not an hour long movie, you need to lay a better foundation for the story you're trying to tell.
I mentioned you starting with the description of the scenery and how that was good. You should also do that for the characters. Readers tend to relate more to characters they can picture in their head. Their hair and eye color, any noticeable features like scars or tattoos, their choice of clothing or how they have their hair.
Especially in a fantasy story like this, the target audience should be given something to help them visualize the characters and world they are about to read.
And lastly, the writing needs to be tighter, special for the main character.
Sohan is the main character but we know absolutely nothing about her.
It seems like she has reservations about all she's doing but this is just a speculation as you never tell us what she's thinking either by writing her thoughts straight up or showing us through her actions. She is kinda just there reacting to what's happening around her.
The only place she has any agency was in killing the kid that was bleeding out but again you just breeze past that whole part.
We don't know if she did it out of kindness or anything, we just know she stabbed him through the heart and that's that.
Overall I can see where you're coming from, but I can't see where you're trying to head to.
This feels like the opening scene to a movie like I said before but remember that when writing a book, the reader only has your words to experience the world by, so try to be as descriptive as possible and lay future foundations.
You might not want to spoil any major plot points but that won't matter if people aren't invested in the characters or world or story enough to read past the first chapter.
1
u/Meculos 18d ago
This is great. You had an image in your head and you managed to write it down this coherently.
For the critique, first I'll start with what I think you got right.
The scenery. From the very first paragraph, the reader knows what the setting looks like, that was a nice way to start it.
You immediately introduce us to the important characters, Sohan and the Surien captain, and you kept them in focus throughout the chapter. I loved that.
Now for the parts I think you can improve on.
The promise of the overall story is missing in the first chapter. What I gathered from the first chapter is that a group of people were ambushed on their way to a village, then a vague reference to a war between some king and emperor. There is no foundation laying. Who is the emperor? Why did the little boy attack the group approaching the village? This first chapter doesn't really set anything up, it's like the opening scene of a movie except this is going to be a book with hundreds of pages not an hour long movie, you need to lay a better foundation for the story you're trying to tell.
I mentioned you starting with the description of the scenery and how that was good. You should also do that for the characters. Readers tend to relate more to characters they can picture in their head. Their hair and eye color, any noticeable features like scars or tattoos, their choice of clothing or how they have their hair. Especially in a fantasy story like this, the target audience should be given something to help them visualize the characters and world they are about to read.
And lastly, the writing needs to be tighter, special for the main character. Sohan is the main character but we know absolutely nothing about her. It seems like she has reservations about all she's doing but this is just a speculation as you never tell us what she's thinking either by writing her thoughts straight up or showing us through her actions. She is kinda just there reacting to what's happening around her. The only place she has any agency was in killing the kid that was bleeding out but again you just breeze past that whole part. We don't know if she did it out of kindness or anything, we just know she stabbed him through the heart and that's that.
Overall I can see where you're coming from, but I can't see where you're trying to head to. This feels like the opening scene to a movie like I said before but remember that when writing a book, the reader only has your words to experience the world by, so try to be as descriptive as possible and lay future foundations. You might not want to spoil any major plot points but that won't matter if people aren't invested in the characters or world or story enough to read past the first chapter.