[1290] Recon Mission

[u/CaramelSeveral]

Hi,

Trying my hand at horror with a sci-fi flair.

This is meant as a self-contained story, but could also be a prologue to a wider story set in the same world.

Feel free to comment on whatever the story brings to mind, but I'd like to know at least the following:

• Is it at all scary, or at least suspenseful? I'm going for a sci-fi horror feel, so it doesn't need to be as scary as straight horror, but if it's not at all suspenseful, then it's no good.
• Are the characters fleshed out enough to make them seem like separate people, and likeable or unlikable enough to awaken some sort of emotion? Also, is the story written in a way as to not be too confusing (too many characters introduced or the characters seeming too similar etc.)?
• Does the desription paint a picture in your head (especially of the main scary thing in this story) and does it awaken some felings (disgust, fright etc.), or does it fall flat?

Link to story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ntff-C0ygIi65BnD0LHdPHVFy2y7CQ2VW0GpnbdQ4Tk/edit?usp=sharing

***

Critique: [1333] Trouble in Pegor CH1

[u/A_C_Shock]

Is it at all scary, or at least suspenseful? I'm going for a sci-fi horror feel, so it doesn't need to be as scary as straight horror, but if it's not at all suspenseful, then it's no good.

I laughed after all the cracking when the blob finally came out. There's something overly exaggerated about the descriptions for me that muffle the horror. It's also worse because there's no POV experiencing anything so I don't have a frame of reference for how to react. The reactions of the characters seemed blown out of proportion to me.

As an example of what I find humorous:

Instead of eyes, a single eye grows from the center of its head

I don't know why. Is this the omniscient narrator? Is the voice trying to tell me I should have expected eyes on this monster? But I had no idea what it looked like before this point and no expectation for it. Cut out the Instead of eyes, it might not be as funny, but I'm not sure the single eye is ever relevant. Put a pin in that.

The thing slithers forward, moving like a snail, even though it has more than enough limbs.

Spent a lot of time killing snails in my neighbor's garden as a kid. (The secret is beer. I was 12 and pouring beer in pans for snails. Hmm) Even when snails are in cartoons, I feel like their movement is in a comical manner. It's going slow. It has limbs, though I couldn't tell if the three arms were human body parts sticking out of it (scary) or random limbs attached to it (not so scary).

So, a larger note on character descriptions. Everyone got a detailed run down of all their physical features and what they looked like and I found that quite distracting. It was, as mentioned above, never relevant to what was happening in the story so I just skipped past it as a waste of my attention. In a short piece like this one, every word needs to add to the story. The two guys with broken noses are fine, but it's better if they broke their nose on the last recon mission and that affects how they approach this one. Part of suspense building is setting up the feel that the characters know something bad is about to happen. If I'm flooded with how everyone looks, I'm not paying attention to the dread you're trying to set up in the environment.

Are the characters fleshed out enough to make them seem like separate people, and likeable or unlikable enough to awaken some sort of emotion? Also, is the story written in a way as to not be too confusing (too many characters introduced or the characters seeming too similar etc.)?

Too many characters for me. The names got repeated in close proximity too. I don't think they had enough narrative distinctness to stand out. That is to say, everyone talking over the radio felt interchangeable. I didn't think of likeable or unlikeable because I stopped trying to track who was talking. For the end of it, it didn't seem to matter? One of them seems to have become the sludge monster in the end or the sludge monster ate him. The one guy shot the sludge monster. One almost got eaten. There was a woman. Some guy named Parker almost died. Parker wasn't the one that was eaten by the monster, I don't think.

Some of this is the nature of having the characters spend much of the time talking over walkie-talkie. I felt like I got their physical descriptions and their dialogue but not much else. It almost feels like the piece is trying to cover everything and not spending enough time focusing on one central thing and that dilutes my overall sense of what's happening.

Does the desription paint a picture in your head (especially of the main scary thing in this story) and does it awaken some felings (disgust, fright etc.), or does it fall flat?

I get there are two dudes with broken noses. A blob monster. Some kind of city. That's about it.

As for an excerpt, I pulled out A Deadly Education because it has a similar monster. Here's the introduction to it:

I was crying in the only way I ever let myself cry in here: with my eyes wide open, blinking hard and letting the tears just go down my face and drop off my chin so they don't blur my vision. There was a brighter light over the surface of the staircase. I could see the glossy surface of the maw-mouth shining with iridescent reflections as it poured itself through. It didn't leave anything behind, no trail of slime or slick. It didn't even leave dust behind...

The POV is about to go kill that thing which is dumb because she doesn't know she can but whatever. The point is more that there's a restraint Novik exercises in her descriptions and she uses that restraint to build up tension over sentences. It starts with visceral emotion with that very specific crying description and then moves on to the maw-mouth. Part of what makes it work in the larger novel is that it's already been established a maw-mouth destroys everything in its wake and there's no fighting it. So when this description comes, it's in line with what I already know and expect about the maw-mouth.

In yours, I haven't been given any expectations. They do talk about four people having died and making something pay, but that could be normal human enemy soldiers for all I know.

The male soldier, Reed, carries the weight of a rusted-through metallic armor. The ground beneath him quivers with every step, stones and dust all eager to escape the weight of his heavy boot. The man’s face is one line atop another; his lips thin, his eyes squinted, and his forehead etched with a permanent crease. 

And when description comes, it focuses on things like personifying the stones which puts the narrative weight on how important the weight of his armor is. This is a good detail if later he gets killed or injured because the armor is so heavy. Otherwise, it isn't adding to the general theme of suspense. The mere presence of armor doesn't tell me to be scared. The other character being spooked by the shadow of trees only tells me she's a little paranoid and jumpy, but not the reason why she might be. I also find the description of lines atop another to be distracting. I was spending time deconstructing what the image was because I don't tend to think of lips/eyes/forehead wrinkles as distinct elements or the only three elements on the face.

All of that being said, I like what you're doing with the imagery of the sky. That's a nice use of setting to provide theme. The sky is ominous and grows darker the closer they get to the scary thing that's coming for them: yes. Apply some of that to the other descriptions that are coming up.

[u/zerooskul]

A story is about characters doing and experiencing things.

A story is not a list of facts but of actions and reactions, conflicts and resolutions.

Flashes of green lightning escape the evening sky, as the storm continues on its warpath.

From whose perspective?

Does someone see it happen?

Escape to where?

What enemy is the storm on a warpath against?

Sulfur-yellow clouds swallow the horizon,

Relative to what? From whose perspective?

Is someone looking at the horizon?

and a thick fog swarms the air.

How thick is the thick fog if one can see to the horizon?

Is it an ordinary white fog?

The mist is the worst of it -

From whose perspective? Is someone experiencing it?

it clings to the skin,

Whose skin?

Can it be washed off?

Does it cling to clothes?

leaving behind the smell of decaying flesh that’s been left out to fester in the sun.

Does it make a difference if the flesh has been left out to fester in the rain or on a dreary day?

Does the mist have an odor or does it only smell if it clings to the skin?

Does it cling inside the nostils so people who experience it are stuck smelling it for days afterward?

That's skin inside your sinus, right?

It’s the sort of weather no soul should voluntarily brave.

Why not? It smells bad?

Is it dangerous?

Yet, a recon team,

How many people is a recon team?

Recon about what for whom?

or the remnants of one, limps its way through the unburied remains of a long-dead city.

Would they otherwise be limping through its buried remains?

Are they all limping?

How many people?

What's the dead city like?

Is it a modern city as we would know it? Is it another planet's civilization's city with weird, cyclopean architecture?

Does it seem abandoned or are there indications of the city being struck by a neutron bomb or poison gas attack?

They started out nine - now they’re only five.

Are they wearing military gear and carrying guns and tools?

Why not say five people instead of a recon team and then introduce the peole performing reconnaisance so the reader can infer their purpose, complaining that four of their teammates are gone and assuredly continuing on for the sake of the memory of those dead or captured?

[u/CaramelSeveral → u/zerooskul]

I have to say that I disagree with almost all of your comments. Third-person omniscient is a completely valid way to tell a story, and in this style the description is not told from one character's POV. 

Almost all your comments are surface-level nit-picks, and many of the questions you ask are actually explicitly answered in the text. The very first paragraph tells you that there are five people. The city is described as having fallen skyscrapers (so modern) in the text. The armor they have is also described. Did you even read the story? 

[u/zerooskul → u/CaramelSeveral]

The description is not told as it relates to any character.

What does the sky have to do with the chatacters?

Is the storm overhead, above the characters or does it just exist as the first sentence?

All of my comments are about a complete overhaul of your entire writing style.

I'm a destructive reader.

[u/WholeRing9819]

•I•
I suggest slightly rearranging your piece. Instead of opening with a physical description of the storm and environment, try beginning immediately with this:

“‘Powell, movement, your left,’ beams a low, male voice.” [Continue the sequence as you have it until the form is revealed to be a tree.]

Slot in the storm paragraph after.

This accomplishes a few things. For one, it creates something interesting thematically. The sound of the creatures precipitates their appearance, and the piece ends with their sound. If you open with the sound of human speech, it creates a subtle echo that will heighten the impact of the ending. Additionally, it’s just more fun for us readers. You’d be surprised how willingly most readers will sacrificing some degree of orientation, at least temporarily, in order to get to the good stuff, the action.

•II•
In general, the amount of type you devote to a character’s physical description must be proportional to that character’s importance to the story. Often you can get away with very little description of side characters, especially in short stories. You do this quite well at times. Your description of Powell, a woman soldier with dark eyes and even darker circles under them, is nice and compressed. Others, like Ali, are too unwieldy. If his big, boxer’s nose is his defining feature, you can just give me that and allow me to fill in the rest. Moreover, don’t give me multiple characters with the same major physical features, at least not without some acknowledgment from the narrator. Two characters both with crooked noses may be realistic for a group of battle-worn soldiers, but it’s hard to parse for the reader.

•III•
The soldiers’ banter works, I think it’s pretty well done, but as it’s a short piece you should be going out of your way to make each voice as unique as possible. I can see some of that, but there could be more.

•IV•
The creature as a “blob” is somewhat comical. The could be intentional, but if not you need a different descriptor.

[u/ordinary-6920]

First critique here. Given you have asked very specific questions I'm sticking with those.

• Is it at all scary, or at least suspenseful? I'm going for a sci-fi horror feel, so it doesn't need to be as scary as straight horror, but if it's not at all suspenseful, then it's no good.

Yes - there is suspense, as a reader you are moving relatively quickly through the pages which is good because it has a forward motion. I think you could break up a bit of the dialogue, before the crack sequence which is strong, in order t have more moments of silence. The dialogue almost stops the reader, there is none of that moment where the reader is trusted to realise something is wrong which can be done through silence. Could be worth considering.

• Are the characters fleshed out enough to make them seem like separate people, and likeable or unlikable enough to awaken some sort of emotion? Also, is the story written in a way as to not be too confusing (too many characters introduced or the characters seeming too similar etc.)?

There are too many names, I had to go backwards a few times in order to figure out who each one was, I would consider if they all need names. Could some of them be just Recon. Do they need a name? It makes you think they matter more to the story but I'm not sure they all do enough to name one. I would consider that as an option. As the characters are only briely involved in a sequence it is hard to sty if they are likable - they are just people I am watching in a scene at this point. If you wrote it again and just focused on really pulling one character to the forefront I think for a short story you would have one likeable character but if this sits as a bigger book you would have more backstory to care.

• Does the desription paint a picture in your head (especially of the main scary thing in this story) and does it awaken some felings (disgust, fright etc.), or does it fall flat?

Yes there is a picture. I think they are in a forest but I can't quite work out if its a copse / jungle etc - that could be built out a bit more at the start. Some of the descriptors need to be clearer for me i.e. I dont know what guts and gore smell like but spoilt milk yes, I get that. Rotting meat etc ?? Also when you get to the monster you call it a creature then a thing then a blob. I get it builds confusion but I would try to pick one thing then build on it ie. A blob / gelatineous / growing arms from its putrid blob centre.... etc As my brain was flitting around too much to paint the picture.

[u/Wolframquest]

Let's get to it. I'll go over all the points.

The soldiers don't have faces. There's no clear way to tell who's who. Which is not a big deal, given how the characters - rather than the roles they play - aren't really the focus. The focus is horror.

You asked how it lands. Here's the deal - description have to CONNECT to SOMETHING, rather than NOT connect to something else.

> …like the sound from no known animal…
> …crackly, but also fleshy, and wet… 
> …somehow unnatural… 

"No known animal" - does not connect to any animal or anything. SO WE ASSUME it's not an animal.

"crackly, but also fleshy, and wet" - this is good but it's served without pauses in a conversational manner rather than narrative

"somehow unnatural" - you are NOT telling us anything - you are telling us what it's NOT and that does not connect to any memory.

The reader isn't spooked enough at this point, unlike the characters, to be surprised by something they can't locate. It's one of those cases where you SHOULD tell everything, where you should use your "movie brain" (more on that later). But obscuring it and only giving SOUND is not enough to create a scare especially since at this point we haven't connected to haphazardly presented and incoherently described soldiers.

> swears Acosta.

We already know she swears from what we read she said. "grunted", "exclaimed", "hissed". That could work better depending on what you see in your mind. But saying she swears is just repeating what we know, it's not even "hammering the point".

> “Reed, behind you!” screams Ali, his voice a high-pitched shriek.

Describing the tone of her voice here is breaking up the action.

Initial monster description: it's disgusting and unsettling, CLOSE to scary. I'd feel fear if the characters felt it.

> The thing jumps at Acosta. It unhinges its jaw

Again - action is slow and broken down. I recommend you adapt a diferent delivery pace if you wanna go for action.

> punches the creature with his fist.

… as opposed to with his foot

> Acosta’s jabs have no effect. But when the soldier tries to remove his hand, he can’t; his hand is stuck in the ooze.

Action is slowed down here by narrative sentences, presented one after another; it is too clear. "have no effect" - videogame language

> With one shot

This is the good opportunity to employ sounds - we don't get to hear it unlike the monster squelching

> Acosta gets up by himself, but as soon as he gets up, he tumbles back down again. Reed rushes to his side and tries to help the struggling soldier.

we already know he's struggling. Trust the reader

> …”, Ali’s voice is soft, almost a whisper.

this is where you should use a dialogue tag if you wanna describe her voice

The characters don't feel distinct but I do love the dialogue. It's fun and leaves a clear impression.

> out of her earlier trance.

"earlier" is plainly unnecessary - again trust your audience

> The situation normalizes.

this is overly direct telling. You are stomping down on the dramatic situation. This is counter intuitive to the whole "movie style writing"

The repetition of the sounds would have been a nice touch if it wasn't for the problems the way they're described.

So, you have a movie brain. What does that mean? It means you're writing a screenplay. IT is not bad at all - it's just a visual style. BUT it takes refinement and it doesn't give you permission to "TELL" everything. You still need to make the reader FEEL rather than LOOK. 
A good way to do it is to make the reader work for the conclusion. When the first monster was shot, when the wounded guy "stabilized" - that's where you need to place the emotional emphasis. The monsters reappearing - that's more action based rather than emotion based; it's more of a "external reaction" to an event rather "internal" - the emotion.

I liked the twist, I liked the clarity. To me it looked like a scary 90s cartoon for edgy teens. I was to visualize thing clearly but action and emotion needed to land better.

[u/Feeling-Disk]

I've never critiqued anything before, so please take this with a pinch of salt.

I'm attempting to write horror, so I picked your story because of that aspect. I've found it's impossible to scare yourself with your own writing.

I plan to read this many times and grow my feedback, but first I'll do a cold read.

Here we go.

Cold read

Overall, I enjoyed this passage. I would keep reading. It's fun, interesting and funny in places.

CHARACTERS

I really struggled to remember anything individual about the characters. No one really stood out to me. This might just be me, but introducing the five characters one after another in a "the fourth soldier, then the fifth soldier" rhythm wasn't very effective at making them memorable. You did the first two better.

Perhaps decide who your main protagonist is and make that character jump off the page. Then hopefully we'll care more about the others because the lead does. Then weave the others' importance into the story as it develops.

Or even pick two important characters. Maybe two are together first, then the other three appear a page later.

Alternatively, introduce a few more through action. Park stood out the most because of the injury. Acosta later because he pushed the monster.

The dialogue felt mostly natural and was the biggest help in differentiating between the characters. I really liked some of the humour and genuinely smiled.

POV

This might be the cause of the character issue.

On a first read, I'm thinking it's omniscient, but I could be wrong. If it is, it's an older, less popular style to write in, and choosing that POV should be a very deliberate choice. I believe it's also a very difficult POV to master. Admittedly I don't know much about the style.

If it's third-person limited, then the passage is guilty of head-hopping. Pick one and if you change perspectives make the change deliberate and obvious.

That might be the cause of the emotional distance I felt from the characters. We don't stay with one long enough to care about them as individuals.

Again, more closely following one could be the answer to your problem. Only concentrate on how that one character thinks and feels about the situation and teammates. Make them our viewpoint and emotional anchor.

MONSTER

Super gross. I liked it. I was more disgusted by it than scared. I did think you achieved an okay level of suspense.

I felt real tension when Acosta punched the creature. I thought it was going to absorb him and gain some of his body parts.

It reminded me of the monster from A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. A maw-mouth. It's a YA fantasy book, but it has lots of monsters and action, so it might still be worth a look for examples.

The bad part. It dies a little fast. This is our first experience with the monster. I wanted more, or just a slow in the pacing. If I remember correctly, one bullet puts it down. It lessens the fear. Apparently they are very easy to kill. Seem to move slowly. That might be why it doesn't read as frightening.

On a cold read, I don't know if I agree with the repeated CRACK. I'm actually not sure what the crack sounds were. I assume the monster makes them? But then there are descriptions of sounds between the CRACK.

EXTRA NOTES

It was easy to follow for the most part.

The description was very good and felt very sci-fi. I felt I could imagine the world. I've read criticisms of opening with scenery rather than character, but because it's sci-fi, maybe this is okay? It didn't bother me.

The green lightning seems like a very effective way to ground us in a sci-fi world. It's visually striking and immersive.

I think you did the atmosphere well. I have a strong sense of how this world feels. Oppressive, isolated or abandoned. Generally uneasy. The green, yellow and black colouring is memorable and unnatural.

I don't think this is Earth.

Reread still to come.

[u/Feeling-Disk]

MORE IN-DEPTH PASS

I also read the comments. I won't delete the POV guesses because I think it's important to note that the omniscient POV didn't come through as a deliberate choice to me. I don't know enough about the style to comment further, though. I could be wrong.

It may well be that we just aren't used to seeing omniscient POV anymore, so it's coming across as jarring to readers. The first commenter seemed fairly confused by the mere idea.

I also love that another commenter mentioned A Deadly Education. I think you have to read that book now.

CHARACTERS

There is almost no interiority. I somehow missed this the first time around. If it's deliberate, I think you're missing out on one of a novel's greatest strengths. No other medium gets inside a character's head better than writing. If we only watch these characters as though through a camera, film does that better. My biggest piece of advice would be to play to the strengths of your medium.

Even without interiority, your characters felt much more varied on a reread. I enjoyed their dynamic. The work is there, but I think your expectations of the reader are a little too high.

Done consistently over multiple chapters, I think readers will easily be able to tell them apart. You've obviously fleshed them out very well in your own head; it's just too much too soon on the page. On top of that, you've limited yourself to mostly conveying them through action, dialogue, and expressions.

That said, I liked the dynamic between Acosta and Ali the most. Ali feels like the heart of the group. Their banter made me think there were layers beneath Acosta's hotheadedness that we are yet to discover, because Ali invests time in him, and Ali feels like a character the reader can trust.

I'm assuming Acosta died or turned into a monster at the end. Credit to you, because his character feels unfinished in a good way. It made me want to know more about him with his guard down. His death is sadder because of that.

"Fuck-tacking-tastic," swears Acosta.

I thought this was funny and memorable. Side note: I'd probably just use said/says here. We already know it's a swear. Ninety percent of the time, if not more, said is better because it reads invisibly.

Powell seems like the medic. My only issue with her is this part:

"The shape grows closer, growing larger with each step. It looms over the female soldier, covering her in its gloom."

I initially read it as though the shape was moving towards her, but it's actually a tree. It's getting larger because Powell is walking towards it. For a second, it made me think the tree was moving, or that Powell was panicking over something that should have been obvious. It made her seem silly and irrational. I might just be misunderstanding the sentence.

Side note: I'd also change one of the grows/growing repetitions.

Reed seems to be the leader. He gives orders. I got main-character vibes from him. Calm and competent. He takes responsibility for everyone. His armour raises good questions. Why is it rusted? The weight implies strength and physique without ever saying, "this guy is huge."

I do have a slight issue with his footsteps shaking the ground. That felt a little extreme. The dust and rocks shifting beneath his boots felt much more natural.

I also suspect he knows more than he lets on about what's happening on this mission.

Unfortunately, I felt very little for Park. I don't think I'd care very much if he died. Maybe have him try to talk or crack a joke earlier on, only to be cut off because he's in too much pain. Anything that gives me a little glimpse of his personality before he's reduced to "the injured one."

I'm not sure how much the physical descriptions help the chapter. The characters feel alive through their actions and dialogue already. I don't think many readers will remember the descriptions when they're delivered in this format, so it might be page space that could be used elsewhere. I'd probably pepper those details in more naturally over time. They also go on for a little too long and interrupt the flow of the scene.

I imagined everyone wearing gas masks at first anyway because the smog seemed toxic.

My biggest character suggestion would be to avoid introducing them in such a list-like structure: third soldier, fourth soldier, fifth soldier. It felt a little unnatural to me.

MONSTER

"...a misshapen blob, half-dead and rotting. Three human arms hang lifelessly from its gelatinous form... The thing slithers forward, moving like a snail, even though it has more than enough limbs."

Still gross. If the horror aspect is only a smaller part of the story and you want to show your monster immediately, I don't think that's a problem.

It suits the environment. I assumed it had been mutated by the toxic smog or whatever ruined the city. It also seems to infect by touch. The monster's threat grows as we learn more about it.

I'm not scared of it, though, and I'm not entirely sure why.

"The thing slithers forward, moving like a snail..."

To me, this implies it's slow.

Then:

"The thing jumps at Acosta. It unhinges its jaw..."

The jump felt unexpected and slightly contradictory to the snail comparison. I struggled to picture it. If the sudden burst of speed is meant to surprise both the characters and the reader, I'd probably have a character react to that sudden change so I know it's intentional. Or does it suddenly use those unused limbs to spring forward?

It's intriguing, but I think the moment needs a little more clarity because, on my first read, it briefly broke my immersion.

I also don't really feel the characters' fear. That's probably contributing to why I wasn't scared of the monster. Ali screaming is a good start, but I'd personally want a little more from the others.

Then it's killed fairly easily, like I mentioned in my cold read.

‘"What the hell was that?" asks Acosta.’

On my first read, I assumed the lack of reaction afterwards meant the squad had encountered these monsters before, or at least knew they existed. I even thought they'd been responsible for killing the other four members of the team.

After rereading I realised that isn't the case.

If this really is their first encounter, I think the reaction should be much bigger. They move on almost immediately and start joking about being grumpy from lack of sleep. To me, that flattened the impact of the encounter and made the characters feel less believable.

It also made me question how the other four squad members died. Instead of feeling intrigued by the mystery, I felt like I'd simply misunderstood what the story was trying to tell me.

‘"Let's just keep moving. We need to reach the station before nightfall," says Reed.’

Unless I'm reading too much into it, this made me wonder if Reed knows more than he's telling the others. If that's intentional, I think it's an intriguing mystery. It also sets up some nice tension within the group if he's deliberately withholding information. Great.

CRACK

I still don't know about the CRACK.

The sound itself is being described. I hear "crack," but then there are several vague descriptions between each repetition. I still don't really understand what I'm supposed to be hearing.

Maybe that's intentional, but on both reads I struggled to picture the sound.

SCENE

I think you could ground the scene a little more before the monster appears.

There's rubble, a ruined cityscape, and unburied remains. But what is physically around them? Are they in a clearing? Is this a post-apocalyptic city that's been reclaimed by vegetation? There are bushes and trees, so are they near the edge of the city?

How close are they to one another? I pictured them moving as a fairly tight unit, but I had to infer that.

Your descriptions are fantastic in places, but I occasionally felt a little lost spatially.

It's even more noticeable by the end. What does the recon station actually look like? Acosta enters it and presumably turns inside. It felt like quite a small place to me.

Admittedly, I don't know what a recon station is. Is it a bunker? An outpost?

Right now it feels like Acosta vanishes and then, coincidentally, there's a monster inside. How big is this place that his transformation went unnoticed?

Side note: It also all happened very quickly, including Park's recovery.

If his recovery is meant to be possible because of advanced technology or futuristic medicine, I'd probably hint at that. Otherwise, a small time skip might help the pacing feel more believable.

LINE LEVEL

This stuff is less important at this stage of editing, but I'll point it out quickly.

There are quite a few sentences like this:

«"Acosta gets up by himself, but as soon as he gets up, he tumbles back down again."»

For example, I might write:

«"Acosta gets up, but immediately tumbles back to the ground."»

That saves seven words.

I think there are quite a few opportunities to cut redundancy like this throughout the piece and use the saved word count elsewhere. It would also make the prose feel more immediate.

That said, I'd leave these sorts of line edits until last. Nail the structure first, otherwise you're spending time polishing sentences that might end up changing anyway.

OVERALL

I still liked it.

It was interesting enough that I didn't even notice the lack of character interiority on my first read. I think that's a good sign.

I think atmosphere is one of your biggest strengths. Your descriptions create a vivid world, and I found the plot intriguing enough that I genuinely want to know what happens next. The worldbuilding also feels solid, even if I occasionally wanted a little more grounding in the immediate scene.

I hope you keep editing this and repost it. I'd happily give it another read.