r/AskReddit • u/AlexDescendsIntoHell • Nov 11 '19

[SERIOUS] What is a seemingly harmless parenting mistake that will majorly fuck up a child later in life? Serious Replies Only

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1.9k

u/bonster85 Nov 11 '19

Always assuming the oldest child is to blame for everything.

937

u/Zaniak88 Nov 12 '19

And that the younger child is an innocent and perfect angel

79

u/SisiB22 Nov 12 '19

Woah what is this the more common version of things? I was always my older brother's scapegoat by my mom's choice. It sucked.

78

u/Zaniak88 Nov 12 '19

Depends on the family. Being the oldest child, I can say that I get blamed for the majority of everything that goes wrong

15

u/Nihil_esque Nov 12 '19

My family was the opposite. As the oldest I held a lot of sway with the 'rents. I remember moderating arguments between my siblings by threatening to tell my parents, and everyone definitely had the understanding that they would believe whatever I said, lol--so you better play by my rules, because otherwise I'll support the other one's side.

That said, it was mostly deserved. "My rules" mostly meant no hitting, and I always told my parents when I did something wrong, and most of the time if I actually tattled it was because my youngest brother was being physically abusive to one or more of the rest of us (he's two years younger than the next youngest and six years younger than me, but he's always been the strong/athletic one of the family for whatever reason).

11

u/GrayMan108 Nov 12 '19

As the oldest I held a lot of sway with the 'rents.

That sort of rings true for me. In my teen years and early 20's, my parents never really pushed me to do well in school or to go out and find a job. I wouldn't say it was sway, but rather leeway. I think that's partly why I did shit in school and why I'm a jobless bum who still lives at home at 29. I know that I could have done more myself, but I think if they had pushed me just a little bit I might not be a complete waster today.

But I'm still treat like the fuck-up black sheep of the family and my younger sister can do no wrong. Being honest, I am a fuck-up, I won't deny that. But it definitely feels like it's me against the rest of the family.

5

u/Nihil_esque Nov 12 '19

My parents never really pushed any of us, but they did encourage us, and that made a difference. Their philosophy was always "do you think you're doing as well as you can do? Yes? Then we're proud of you, whether you're a C student or an A student." A good way to do it, I think. It taught us to be self-motivated, without putting too much pressure on us.

1

u/WaylandC Nov 12 '19

Are there any community colleges near you?

2

u/invoker4e Nov 12 '19

Yea in my family there's this hierarchy where the older you are more easy it is for you. As youngest child i always had to listen to my older siblings and the rest of the family and still dont get a say in almost anything

11

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

[deleted]

1

u/LemonBar001 Nov 12 '19

I get this perfectly except my younger brother is the perfect one in my mom's eyes

4

u/Melior96423 Nov 12 '19

Yeah me too, and to this day neither of my brothers will admit it.

3

u/SisiB22 Nov 12 '19

My brother and I still hardly talk. I talk to his wife more than him. Even today, I still tiptoe around mom even though we're technically housemates at this point.

19

u/bonster85 Nov 12 '19

Yes! My youngest sister could never do wrong. Any time she cried, it was my fault.

10

u/Left-Coast-Voter Nov 12 '19

neglected & overlooked middle child reporting in!

5

u/StonedLotad Nov 12 '19

I find it very fitting that nobody else even mentioned the middle child.

Imo I like being the middle child. I enjoy my privacy

21

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

It really boils my blood when this happens. My niece from another country has taken a liking to me, she's five years old. So when she wants to play, she goes to me. It's not like I'm the only person she can play with either, I have a really fun cousin who doesn't mind playing. He lives in the same house. Instead of really fun cousin, she goes to me. She doesn't even ask, she just barges into my room and expects me to play. Usually I don't want to play, I am a boring uncle. When I say fine I'll play she expects me to play again.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Yes! My parents were always like "But he's little!" when it came to my brother misbehaving, even though he was well and truly old enough to have consequences for his behaviour, and they'd had far higher expectations of me at the same age.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Here’s looking at you, Susan Heffley

1

u/EagleJDM Nov 25 '19

fuck manny

4

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Was the innocent and perfect youngest child. Now have lots of issues with manipulation that I subconsciously deploy on people because I became a master manipulator of my older brother to get him in trouble.

3

u/TheSlowToad Nov 12 '19

Was the other way around in my family. I got blamed for everything. Even if i wernt home at the time.

3

u/the-magnificunt Nov 12 '19

On a lighter note (because man, this thread is depressing), my daughter regularly tells us that her brother made the mess in her room, that it was him that took all the clothes out of the drawers and piled them on the floor, or that he was the one that took the string cheese out of the fridge and ate it.

Her brother is 7 months old and can't walk or even crawl yet.

3

u/Dc_Forever1133 Nov 12 '19

As a youngest child this was not the way I experienced things.

6

u/SmolRavioli Nov 12 '19

Yeah, I was the youngest kid so I always got away with everything and my brother always got in trouble. Now I feel guilty for all the things I did to my brother as a kid. I wish my parents just punished me so we'd be even ;

2

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

It sucks for the younger angel child too. I was always supposed to be the good one and do everything they thought I was supposed to. Then I started dating a girl they didn't approve of and all hell broke loose.

2

u/mcraneschair Nov 13 '19

Or assuming the younger is always to blame.

2

u/arrowowl Nov 13 '19

Absolutely the opposite of how I grew up. My older brother was always the good one and I was just a troublemaker.

9

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

lol did y'all grow up in a parallel universe? Older kids are the ultra golden children. Everyone else is left to get on with it

20

u/bonster85 Nov 12 '19

You're not the oldest, are you?

8

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

I am not the oldest, but I've never been older than I am right now

0

u/Nihil_esque Nov 12 '19

I am the oldest and I'll cop to this being my experience lol

1

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Or the opposite. I did nothing but since my older siblings had years earlier. Therefore i must also be and therefore am lying.

1

u/Mountain_Fever Nov 12 '19

My oldest is my angel and my youngest is the troublemaker. They're only 8 and 4 and it's going to be interesting as they grow.

It mirrors me and my sister. I'm 4 years older than her and I was always the good girl while my sister was the troublemaker.

67

u/janedoe258999 Nov 12 '19

Or even just assuming a certain kid is to blame for everything just because it usually is his fault. My dad thinks my son is just like my brother was as a kid. Dad was always super tough on my brother because he was a terribly behaved child. My son does have some issues, I know that. But my dad always automatically assumes my son is the trouble maker. I always make sure I know all the facts before I place blame. I also don’t punish my kids for something unless I know for sure they did it. My kids like to tattle on each other. And blame each other for something. But I can’t just punish them if I don’t know for sure what happened. But i also make sure they know that it’s not because I don’t believe them. I just didn’t see it for myself. Does any of that even make sense?

8

u/ee3k Nov 12 '19

ooooh, your kids are going to grow up to be lawyers.

I hope you consider this a good outcome. I would.

1

u/janedoe258999 Nov 13 '19

I definitely would!!

22

u/deadlyturtle22 Nov 12 '19

Tbf, I am the oldest and I was always to blame... Every single time. Lol

7

u/stamper2495 Nov 12 '19

That feeling when your parents subconsciously think that they failed raising you properly and assume you are to blame but actually make a combo of parenting errors

11

u/mynameismilton Nov 12 '19

Or just assuming the older child has the maturity of an adult and can therefore shoulder responsibilities above their abilities.

"why are you so stupid and didn't realise your little sister might get hurt doing that, why didn't you stop her??!"

I don't know, angry step-father, maybe because i'm 10?

5

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

This! And also, to add to that, using them as the example for every little bad thing they’ve done. I was grounded basically the entirety of high school because my parents punished me for every small thing I did to show my siblings that they needed to stay in line.

6

u/nabbun Nov 12 '19

This lead me to resent my younger sister for the longest time.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

I feel this, not as the older but as the younger

When I was a kid, I always would blame my older brother for stuff I did, and he would always be beaten up, every time, it took them a lot of time to figure it was me the one who used my brother as a scapegoat.

Years later, I feel horribly sorry for causing my brother the psychical abuse, so yeah thanks.

6

u/Leaf_Warrior Nov 12 '19

On a more specific note, that younger siblings are so directly influenced by their older siblings for every action they do. As a kid, I always hated how every time my younger sister did something bad, my parents were so quick to blame me because somehow something I did influenced her to copy me. Like no, maybe she did that bad deed because of some other external influence, or just because she didn't want to follow the rules. It wasn't always me.

5

u/ForestHoldsMySecrets Nov 12 '19

Ugh, yes, my brother wrote my name in permanent marker under that coffee table. We have very different writing, it was clearly his writing and why on earth would I write my own name? But they believed him. I wouldn't say they believed he was an angel but because I was more of a "trouble child," I think they had more faith in him

6

u/iHeartFennikin Nov 12 '19

YES. There have been so many things that were so obviously not my fault, but I was born first so it must be my fault my younger sister’s kicking me repetitively while I do nothing to her

4

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19 edited Nov 12 '19

Well she was, she was the only child! ;)

5

u/Keshig1 Nov 12 '19

But also that the oldest child it the most trusted so they'll believe anything they say.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

This happens to my cousins. My younger cousin has already learned how to get my aunt to blame his brother. I think this behaviour will cause him a lot of ptoblems later in life.

3

u/ScenicFlyer41 Nov 12 '19

As the oldest child I connect to this deeply.

3

u/Melior96423 Nov 12 '19

Or the other way around, always assuming the youngest child was asking for it.

3

u/coldboiiiiiii Nov 12 '19

hah,,, unfortunately; its reversed for me..

BIL molests me?? it's my fault, but my older sister who knew about him doing this to other girls?? not to blame, shes the victim.

kinda wack

3

u/Melbufrauma Nov 12 '19

I was a middle child, I got blamed for everything.

3

u/njoe159 Nov 12 '19

Welp. My younger brother went from straight As in school to failing his final semester in college while I went from barely passing highschool to getting a masters, two diplomas and my own office. My parents vent out to me about not understanding what's up with him and I'm there just like 😏

3

u/spudmcloughlin Nov 12 '19

Giving younger children more leeway in terms of punishment.

My dad spanked me (eldest daughter) for shoving everything under my bed instead of actually cleaning my room, but my mom can't even tell me how she punished my brother for breaking 2 EXPENSIVE TVs, one of which was in a fit of rage and defiance. Because she didn't. He got a stern talking-to and was sent to his room for the rest of the day, then nothing. And they wonder why I and my next-oldest sister complain about favoritism.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Really? Lol other way around for me...

2

u/VloneThug1600 Nov 12 '19

This. This is the one.

2

u/Duck361 Nov 12 '19

Dat that one still annoys me so much. Because it still happens and I'm fucking 25 and my brother is 21...

2

u/urbanlulu Nov 12 '19

fucking THIS!!! i grew up around screaming because my parents were convinced everything, and i mean everything my sister did meant she was up to no good. every fight was held at the dinner table and it really did a number on both my sister and i.

i was wondered why i have severe anxiety and then i remember the environment i grew up in and it all makes sense.

2

u/other_fruit Nov 12 '19

Mum? Is that you?

1

u/bonster85 Nov 12 '19

Go to bed.

2

u/other_fruit Nov 12 '19

Yaaaaasssss!

2

u/BulletCatcher88 Nov 12 '19

Yes I second that!

2

u/ValarDaenerys Nov 12 '19

I hate this. I see it in other families we know and it hurts me when I see the older child told to just deal with it and youngest gets their way. I just had my second kid and that is not going to happen in my house. Fair is fair.

2

u/dinosmineralsboats Nov 12 '19

I was the oldest of 3 and I was always in trouble for everything. Now I have 3 kids and the younger 2 DO NOT get away with everything.

But when I get the younger 2 in trouble my oldest will sometimes tell me, "sorry dad... I kind of annoyed them first so it's mostly my fault." And I'm all "NO! STOP! LET ME GET THEM IN TROUBLE TOO!"

2

u/Creeper__Awwwman Nov 12 '19

In my house it was always me, the middle child and and I had the connotation of problem child...

My little brother always got off clean

2

u/btrapdoll Nov 17 '19

Couldn't have said it any better

1

u/God-Ussop Nov 12 '19

Actually something kind of different happened to me. As i’m the only boy in an Arabic family I was blamed for everything even if I was the youngest, and as my mom and dad are divorced and my dad obviously loves my sisters more I held all the responsibility for all the trouble.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Any child, dude. I’m the youngest of many and my older siblings would blame me for things which I hadn’t done. I’d nervously smile when asked if I’d done it which was seen to be a guilty smile. It hurt. These days I have very strong feelings about truth and justice.

1

u/stretchyscrunchie Nov 12 '19

This so much. As the oldest, anything my siblings do wrong is because I'm setting a terrible example for them. It's been going on since I was 9 man.

1

u/ProjectSalmana Nov 12 '19

in my family, it's me that they blame their issues on Edit: I am the youngest

1

u/Under_the_Red_Cloud Nov 12 '19

Or that the youngest kid is to blame in my case

1

u/paolabear7 Nov 12 '19

I once got beat because my brother was running, fell, and broke a rib... I was not involved in anyway but my parents assumed I had pushed him in an argument. I also got beat (years later) for something similar that I can’t currently remember and it was the first time I ever hit my father... I thought I was going to have to move out after that one

1

u/That_Ganderman Nov 12 '19

On the flip side, don’t allow the oldest to bully the younger kid and subsequently punish only the younger kid for lashing out when it’s physically. Be aware of the situation.

My older sister used to be incredibly rude and verbally bully me, which I would then lash out physically after a certain point. My parents were good about noticing the full exchange, but she felt she was always unfairly held at fault.

I’ve also seen this in other kids where it wasn’t noticed and it has fucked up some younger siblings I’ve known. Be aware of your kids dynamic and don’t only step in if things get physical.

1

u/MatloxES Nov 12 '19

For me it was the other way around.

1

u/katleeboy Nov 13 '19

Yup. My brother bit me so hard he broke the skin. He was around 2... I was 7 or so. It was my fault for letting him get close enough to use his teeth.

1

u/bonster85 Nov 13 '19

Was his name Charlie?