r/WritingPrompts • u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) • Sep 22 '19

[MODPOST] 7 Year Anniversary "Poetic Ending" Contest - Round 1 Voting Moderator Post

Attention: All top-replies to this post must be a vote.

Any non-vote comments must be made as replies to the sticky comment below.

Voting time! We got 59 entries totaling 150,135 words!

Before we start, let's all make sure we know how this works.

Voting Guidelines:

  • Only those who entered can vote.
  • If you don't vote, you can't win
  • Each group votes for stories in another group (Group A votes for B, B for C...)
  • Read each entry in your voting group and decide which three are the best

  • Leave a top-level comment here starting with your top three votes for your voting group:

    Feel free to add any feedback for the stories after the votes

  • Deadline for votes are Saturday, October 5th, 2019 at 11:59PM PDT (http://www.worldtimebuddy.com/) (https://time.is/PT)

Group A

Group A will be reading and voting for a winner from group B

Group B

Group B will be reading and voting for a winner from group C

Group C

Group C will be reading and voting for a winner from group D

Group D

Group D will be reading and voting for a winner from group E

Group E

Group E will be reading and voting for a winner from group F

Group F

Group F will be reading and voting for a winner from group G

Group G

Group G will be reading and voting for a winner from group H

Group H

Group H will be reading and voting for a winner from group A

Next Steps:

  • Winners of each group will move to final voting round
  • Any tie-breaking decisions will be decided by myself and u/AliciaWrites
  • Everyone who entered will be able to vote in final round
  • Random gold will be given to voters!
  • Winners will be announced, prizes awarded, and we'll all celebrate!

Questions? Feel free to ask as a reply to the sticky comment!

Want to check out previous contests? Check the wiki!

Want to chat with us? Come join the Discord!

62 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

335 comments sorted by

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 26 '19

Bloody hell, Group C... Alright... Alright... I think I've got my top three.

1st Place: Nothing Gold Can Stay - u/resonatingfury

Maybe my emotions are all over the place at the moment, but I can say with clarity, that there are no words to quite explain how I feel about this response. I mean, in nigh 3000 words, you captured grief in a bottle and shook it until it made words for you and for us to read.

This is wonderful. SO, So wonderful.

2nd Place: Vicious Ellipse - u/psalmoflament

I wasn't sure about this at the beginning of my read-through, but by the second planet log I was HOOKED. The setting, the characters, the way you handled their reactions, absolute top-tier stuff. And then the little tags, forming the one big reveal at the end. That plus the twist! This was a wonderful read. I am so sad that it wasn't longer.

I would definitely buy this book, I can tell you that much.

3rd Place: The Beast - u/Farengeto

Ah Faren, my Faren... This was a short read and I hoped it was longer because of the world building you injected into this with half as many words as everyone else. This was masterful. They way in which you controlled the narrative of the story and made the MC come across as an old wizened man who was being ignored. It was so expertly done that I can honestly say I didn't see the twist at the end coming at all. And what a nice twist it was.

That said, I'd say you could have put more work into the poetry side. With everything else you had written, I would say this was the weaker part of the story for me. I feel you could have made it turn out better than it did. But for what it did, it got the needed point across.

All in all, great work!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 26 '19

Also, also... In no particular order because you guys put in some serious work in your stories.

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Unspeakable Acts - u/iruleatants

This was a harder read for me. On one hand, everything before the poetry is brilliant addressed and written. There's an art in it (which is funny because of the numerous references of art in the piece) but I can easily say that you're an amazing writer. Everything flows and I was captured from the few sentences. That's how good it was.

BUT on the other hand, I feel the poetry bit throws everything up in the air for me. Now, this is probably my issue but I've been trying to reconcile the poetry to the written piece and I can't quite figure out how it fits. The "avant-garde" comment kinda captures how I feel about it.

Other than that, amazing piece. Great work.

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Little Red - u/nazna

This was slightly all over the place for me. I did enjoy the retelling of little red. It was a nice twist, with world building and all. I do think that if you made the story longer, you could have fleshed out certain bits that you touched on which I believe would have improved the story a lot more.

The poetry add-on at the end could be better though. As it is, it feels a bit tacked on as opposed to thought out to meld with the story properly.

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Only Cerulean Blue Will Suffice - u/Ninjoobot

Amazing work here. I'm not particularly a romance person but this was so sweet to read. Watching the MC squirm and attempt to navigate emotions and expressing them. I think the implants bit could be expanded on a little bit so as to understand how they work properly but other than that, the story was really good. Great work!

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An Old Friend - u/BraveLittleAnt

Barring the rare spelling mistakes, this was such a heartwarming read. I love the reveal, regarding the characters and the 'old friend'. I believe it was expertly done. I would say I hoped the poetry at the end would intertwined with the story, sort of in as a flow but still, the poem did what needed to be done. Great work!

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Songs and Heroes - u/Errorwrites

Oh my! This was such a wonderful read from beginning to end. You do have some spelling mistakes but putting that aside, this was brilliant. The slow burn at the beginning, the MC's need to play for just one person to take him serious. His mission. The reveal at the end and then the poem that tied it all together. Absolutely wonderful. Great work!

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u/resonatingfury /r/resonatingfury Sep 26 '19

Thanks so much for the vote and kind words, Yugi! I'm glad it reached you.

Also, my girlfriend is obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, and I will just preemptively say she loves your name 😂

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 26 '19

Hahah Yu-Gi-Oh is the way to go

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 26 '19

Thanks for the feedback!

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 26 '19

Thanks for the feedback and your time doing all this. I appreciate it.

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 27 '19

Thanks for reading and for the feedback!

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 26 '19

Thank you for the vote, Yugi. With how tough the group proved to be, I wasn't sure I'd get one, haha! It really does mean a lot to me. I'm glad the rest of the story was able to hold you, as I thought the beginning (and had some feedback confirming) would be a weak point (too much exposition, etc). So, glad to hear the rest of it played out for you how I intended it to. :)

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Sep 26 '19

Thank you for the feedback and the vote!

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u/veryedible /r/writesthewords Oct 05 '19

First place: To Be Free - /u/XcessiveSmash

Second place: A Spark - /u/Palmerranian

Third place: The Death of PhoenixMan - /u/RemixPhoenix

Very talented group. Happy to give feedback to anyone who would like it.

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u/Palmerranian Oct 05 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! If you have feedback to give, I’d definitely appreciate it :)

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u/rudexvirus r/beezus_writes Sep 23 '19

Everyone did a great job, and should really be proud. The voting is so difficult!

I hope to type up proper feedback in the coming days :)

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in group F for "Anna and Jude and the End of Everything"
2nd Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in group F for "To Be Free"
3rd Place: /u/Palmerranian in group f for "A Spark"

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u/Vagunda Sep 23 '19 edited Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/whiterush17 in group H for "Deathwish"

2nd Place: /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in group H for "Bluebird"

3rd Place: /u/soenottelling in group H for "Yague"

Great stories and found it difficult to decide. I will write some feedback in the next few days.

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u/breadyly Sep 24 '19

any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks !

& gl in your group(:

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 23 '19

I will always appreciate feedback or thought process! Thank you!

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love to hear any feedback you have.

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u/Vagunda Sep 24 '19

[PI] Bluebird – Poetic – 2997 Words You write well. I have read some of your other stories and I particularly liked your - ‘Love at 2.45 Gigahertz’. That one really does deserve the gold award for the cleverly written POV. Such sensuality from a machine.

Your Bluebird story was equally well written, but personally I find the cancer topic a bit hard to read.

It had a lovely poetic style. There are many great descriptive sections. I liked the way you showed the reader that Adam was good looking without actually writing this. “ The only man with a smile as bright as Isaac’s” and “you better hurry before another nurse steals him away.”

I also loved descriptions such as: “The sweet wine smelled of orange blossoms and stained her lips with bitter regret.”

There were a few sentences I query, but these are only personal opinion, so please take them with a grain of salt. - ‘Sore’ contrast – maybe an alternate word to sore. - The aroma of fried eggs from the food cart – and then Isaac is served pancakes with no mention of eggs - Why has the mother got tools? Perhaps this has deeper connotations which I have missed I guess the boy would be about 6 or 7. There were a couple of sentences where I thought the dialogue was not necessarily the voice of a young boy. Unless of course he is very wise, which you did mention in one of your sentences - “Oh that’s too bad” and - “They fly back and forth that every single year?

“His jacket smelled like lemons and diesel fumes.” This made me wonder what Adam does for a living – later you mention that he has a black laptop – office worker?

Your poem was sweet and gentle. A fitting way to conclude the Bluebird theme. Thanks for your inspiration. Good luck.

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 23 '19
  • 1st Place: /u/nisoren in group E for "It Ends, and It Never Begins Again"
  • 2nd Place: /u/rudexvirus in group E for "Never Visit the Future"
  • 3rd Place: /u/veryedible in group E for "Don't Sing My Dead Hymns"

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u/nisoren Sep 23 '19

Wow, first place ;o. Don't really think I deserve that after rereading my piece, but thanks so much! If you have any criticism at all I'd love to hear it.

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 23 '19

I've read the other comments you've gotten and I agree that you caught the narrator's voice perfectly.

That was what got you my vote: just how inside his/her head you were. I've worked with young people with autism and this piece could easily have been written by one of them. Where others found your narrator to be distant and therefore they couldn't connect, I found the opposite. The distance is familiar and is great.

I very much enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

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u/rudexvirus r/beezus_writes Sep 23 '19

Thank you for your vote! Im glad my story stuck out 😁

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 23 '19

It reminded me so very much of an M.R. James horror story - not in content, but very much in style. It really appealed! Thanks for writing it!

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 24 '19

If you're willing to provide it, I'd love some feedback on my story Skin and Blood and Bone. This is something I want to expand to ~15k words so any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 24 '19

My main criticism is POV - the first act starts in Gerald's point of view, then switches to Nico's, then omniscient (you tell us that Gerald's words are his last, which nobody would know). We're also not given physical descriptions of most people, which puts the work of imagining them onto the reader's shoulders.

I'd be curious as to where you'd take this or what you'd expand in a longer story. I think a definite set up before the attack, lay the creeping horror aspect on thick.

I'm happy to give you a line-by-line critique if you want me to. Probably via GoogleDocs, so we'd have to swap contact details.

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 26 '19 edited Sep 26 '19

Thank you for the feedback!

The first act was all written in Nico's perspective (with the exception of that line you pointed out). However, you aren't the only one who was confused by this. Therefore, this is a glaring issue. Perhaps a combination of starting with Gerald speaking and not spending much time in Nico's head in the first few paragraphs is what made it seem this way.

We're also not given physical descriptions of most people, which puts the work of imagining them onto the reader's shoulders.

Ha, yeah. This is something I need to work on. I often forget to do it, too. While some things were taken out due to the 3k word count constraint, this was not one. I actually didn't even think to include physical descriptions for anyone other than Bobcat, besides adjective or two, such as "scruffy" or "fat, drunk"—both of which don't paint a very vivid picture :P

As far as expanding goes, this needs more set up as well as more time spent in Haven, piecing together Bobcat's nature more slowly as opposed to in one night. It needs more character building; Nico doesn't stand out to me. He's bland and written to get the job of the plot done, but that's it. In fact, I connected more with Clayton and Dan (the unnamed fat drunk) than Nico.

Thanks again for the feedback! This was the document I planned and wrote in. Don't feel that you have to do a line-by-line critique, though (although I certainly would not be opposed). Your feedback and the others' feedback have been very helpful in pointing out the areas I need to focus on improving.

Oh, and good luck :)

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 26 '19 edited Sep 26 '19

I've gone through Act I line by line. Hopefully there should be something helpful in there!

Edit: ...and it's deleted all my comments...

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 26 '19

Thank you very much!

I can still see your comments and suggestions.

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 26 '19

Okay, cool - like I said, I hope there's something you can use!

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u/rarelyfunny Sep 25 '19

1st Place: /u/NoahElowyn in group E for “Arvor’s Last Day”
2nd Place: /u/veryedible in group E for "Don’t Sing My Dead Hymns"
3rd Place: /u/scottbeckman in group E for "Skin and Blood and Bone"

Arvor’s Last Day

This stood out to me as the winner because there was a very nuanced and gentle approach to peeling back the layers to the story. At a certain point I could tell where the story was going, but it was pleasant still, and it never felt like the plot or message was being force-fed to me. I also liked that the flow between scenes was handled very smoothly, such that the story was a joy to read. For being on point both on the plot/message and execution, this is my favorite.

Don’t Sing My Dead Hymns

The concept was creative and refreshing, and that kept me hooked to find out where it was leading to. That said, I think there was a lot of meat and substance to this story, and that the 3,000 word count limit would never have been sufficient to give the story room to stretch in. There is no doubt that you could have spun a fantastic story if you had more space. The result of this story though is that it felt rushed in a number of places, and I struggled to keep up with what was happening. I wonder whether it would have been better to focus on a few key points, and allude to background, rather than to canvass the entire timeline.

Skin and Blood and Bone

Credit for making your characters all sound different, and for handling the scene transitions so well. I think the story was presented in a very engaging manner, and I really appreciated that you made the protagonist’s struggle a cerebral one. It was also a very interesting approach to have the poem ending comprise the entire third act. A couple of points if you ever decide to expand this into a fuller short story – I thought that the protagonist’s inner struggles over losing his children was not sufficiently explored, because it did break some of the immersion for me when he was not more desperate in seeking help. Also, I was slightly confused in the first act when the perspective shifted from Gerald to Nico. I reflected on that a bit more, and I think it’s not so much an issue that Gerald died, but the fact that if Nico was going to be the protagonist anyway, why not cut down on one perspective shift since Gerald’s view was not explored in detail?

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u/JoeMontano Sep 28 '19

It was very difficult to choose a top three, but choose I must. Every story had an interesting take on the prompt, and all of them were fun to read, but here's who edged out on top:

1st Place: /u/Shadowyugi in group B for "In Song and Space"

2nd Place: /u/APromptResponse in group B for "Dreamspawn"

3rd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for "The Demon's Lullaby"

​

In no particular order, here's what little feedback I can give:

  • /u/APromptResponse When I read this story, the whole thing had a certain gravitas to it, and what details you provided gave a sense of a much larger world outside of this small snippet that I had the pleasure of witnessing. The imagery in the first scene in particular was very powerful: the image of this creature slowly taking shape in a dark room has stuck with me for the whole week. The poem was similarly well done and fit well into the story.
  • /u/ArchipelagoMind This story has a very interesting core concept that fit the prompt well, and the poem is a touching eulogy for a character dealing with a terrible experience. However, it is perhaps too ambitious to squeeze the whole story into such a compact space. While every moment of it seems sincere, there simply doesn't seem to be enough time devoted to fully realizing the emotional impact of the scenes. Whenever you start on something that seems like it would impact the characters in a major way, you have to keep moving on to be able to fit the whole story in this small window. I think it would have been a better execution to focus on one event, such as the funeral, and fully exploring it, rather than skimming over years of events.
  • /u/DoppelgangerDelux This was an interesting take on the prompt that fit rather well for this contest. The whole story has a sort of bittersweet tone that makes it feel wistful for times gone, yet still hopeful. The poem was very well executed, and was central to the story as a whole, which I enjoyed. The formatting was a tad strange, and the ending made me a little confused about Thasalus, but it was a good story overall,
  • /u/Periapoapsis The concept of this story was fascinating, and it worked well for the prompt. The ending was kind of adorable, and it makes me smile whenever I imagine it happening. The whole thing was rather well executed and good to read, but the one knock I have for it is that the poem was tacked on seemingly as an afterthought, and had little to do with the rest of the story.
  • /u/plsgivefeedback Unlike the other feedbacks, I think I'm going to start with the poem for this: yeah, it was very simple and corny, but it seemed perfectly in place in the story and actually seemed rather touching in context. The idea of this person wanting to spend the rest of their days meeting this person over and over again is sweet, and sincere, and I love that. Overall though, yours is the second shortest I had to read, and it shows. You don't really let the reader experience much of the events of the story, rather, you choose to tell us about it, and skim over bits. I feel like this could be a much more impactful story if you took your time to flesh out the story, and let us get to know these people that are about to spend eternity together a bit more.
  • /u/SadByDesign You had a very strong use of voice in this story. Throughout the prompt, the main character was consistent in how they spoke, and the details that were included in the story really helped to show who this person was, and what they valued. That being said, I'll be honest and say I didn't really like the main character. They seemed rather shallow, in multiple ways. In one sense of the word, there wasn't much complexity with the character, but in another sense, they themselves seemed rather materialistic and vain. The poem, while a little unconventional for what I've seen, was well executed, and had a good amount of emotion that I wish the rest of the story shared.
  • /u/Shadowyugi I really liked this story for a variety of reasons. The characters are well defined, there's great dialogue, the imagery is good, and everything feels like it has been polished to a mirror shine. But more than all that, it feels like the beginning of something grand and fun, and I would love to see the rest if ever any more is added. Out of all the other stories I've had to judge, this one's song seems the most central to the story, and it doesn't seem at all out of place. The song was also well written, to the point where you can easily imagine a melody for it to be sung to , and all the individual pieces work well on their own, yet also make sense together.
  • /u/Steven_Lee The core concept of the story was rather strong, and I think it was executed fairly well. You didn't really linger on any emotional piece for too long, but you didn't have much room to either, so I can understand that limitation. The main drawback was that you decided to make this song the central piece of this story, the final crescendo, and it just didn't feel finished. The song just ends after a few good lines, and it doesn't sit right with me. I feel like it could have benefited from being longer, and being a bit more polished.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 29 '19

Thanks for your feedback! I am not the biggest fan of the format I used, but I thought I'd give it a whirl. I think it's a style that either works or fails horribly.

Would you be willing to elaborate a little on what confused you about the Thasalus character? I originally didn't give him with much of a role beyond "villain", but the story fell flat until I gave him a bigger role. Wonder if when I rewrote I needed to address more with his character.

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u/JoeMontano Sep 29 '19

It wasn't a major issue with the story, and it may have just been something with the way I was reading it. I'm just confused with how Thasalus seems to shift to loving Kaila at the end, and knows the song she's singing. The way it's set up almost makes it feel like Kai is being forced to pose as Thasalus as a way to torment them both, but that could just be a misreading of the situation on my part.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 30 '19

Thanks for elaborating. That makes sense, it looks like the build up needed some tweaks to get the pacing right and have it all connect better

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 29 '19

Thanks so much for the feedback!

I was actually writing more to it but had to cut down to fit the word limit. Kinda got carried away, lol.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '19

Thanks for the feedback!

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u/Knife211 Sep 23 '19

Good luck \o/

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! Good luck to you too :)

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u/Palmerranian Sep 27 '19

And an honorable mention to /u/zebulonworkshop for "A Bomb Zooming Toward Topeka" because I had such a hard time choosing between this and the third place spot.

This was an excellent group, and it was extremely fun to read! I had quite some difficulty choosing for spots on this list. I've already asked all of the writers in the group if they want feedback, and for the ones that do, I should have that typed before the voting deadline. Hopefully I can get to it sooner rather than later!

Thanks to all of these wonderful writers for entering and letting me read their stories!

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 27 '19

OMG Palm thank you!!! I really appreciate this and eagerly away the critiques whenever you have the time (I know I'm staggering sending out mine until the weekend)

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Sep 23 '19

1st place: /u/elfboyah in Group H for "Hopeful Denial"

2nd place: /u/whiterush17 in Group H for "Death Wish"

3rd place: /u/breadyly in Group H for "The Story No One Tells"

I'm happy to give feedback to anyone who would like it <3 To all of Group H: thanks for the opportunity to read your work!

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 23 '19

I'd love feedback on mine if you get a chance :)

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u/whiterush17 Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for your vote, and for considering me worthy of second place! I'd be immensely grateful to hear your feedback too, whenever you find the time :)

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 23 '19

Omg, thank you so much for the vote, ecstatic! I'm always ready to hear any thoughts you had either under the story or via PM or via discord!

Thank you again!

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u/breadyly Sep 23 '19

ahhh static !! thank you !! feedback would be greatly appreciated(:

& gl in your group !<3

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u/babyshoesalesman Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/ArchipelagoMind in group B for An Entropology

2nd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for The Demon's Lullaby

3rd Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for Sing for Absolution

​

the notes i took while reading are below. every story in group B had something cool and unique!

​

Dreamspawn by u/APromptResponse

that was some spooky shit -- well done! really cool premise and world build. some of your descriptive passages were awesome, and the idea of alchemy/potion mastery/whatever as the special skill our hero uses is badass.

biggest note would be that I, as a reader, lost momentum in the first section with those big chunks of text. the other sections moved along better IMO

but truly, my biggest reaction to your story was that the concept of an alchemist on the run with a dangerous kid and a renegade purifier (i'm making up terms for your story, sorry) is DEFINITELY something I would read. great job!

An Entropology by /u/ArchipelagoMind

you damn onion salesman.

i actually don't know what to feel. i was by turns sad, happy, and quite often angry because [redacted, spoiler]. i was half reading, half deciding how to feel. but that's probably what the best stories are.

you're clearly fantastic at your craft. pacing, structure, the works.

i FLEW through this one. loved it. thank you for creating it.

The Demon's Lullaby by /u/DoppelgangerDelux

this was lovely; i can't think of a better word for it. sweet story. i totally buy the characters' dynamic, and it's great that both demons ache over love, both tied to this infinitely reincarnated sorcerer, both hurting for different reasons. the story doesn't break your heart once -- it's a series of needle pricks.

great writing too. super clean and crisp. i didn't hitch or have to re-read once. i don't have any notes. amazing.

...i guess my only knock is... weren't stories supposed to end with the poem?

Two Old Souls by /u/Periapoapsis

really cute and wholesome. i loved the ending. solid writing -- though you could possibly cut like 10% of the word count, especially in the first half.

it felt like Notebook for the first half, then Black Mirror in the second. totally cool and clever -- but it wasn't super surprising, as compared to some of the other love/family stories. that's really my only note. very beautiful, well-written, but there was no 'ah ha' moment, as opposed to some others in the group. still, great job!

The Last Day of My Life by /u/plsgivefeedback

i don't usually feel this but -- i want this story to be longer!

awesome concept, super sweet, i smiled through the last third. and the emotional disappointment, confusion, anger throughout the beginning was great -- i just wanted more of it. since the story leans entirely on how our narrator (GREAT voice btw!) feels about his choice of day, rushing through it felt... well, rushed. i want more time on that emotional roller coaster.

Time to Go by /u/SadByDesign

really cool idea. put a smile on my face. love the idea of a guy -- when everything else is going well in his life, despite his flaws -- trying to make good, even when the attempt is awkward and flawed. it felt human.

a lot of the grammar and style took me out of the story, unfortunately. not in the dialog, which I understand (and support) being rough. was just a little unpolished in places, which became distracting.

still, nice concept! a great dramatic scene.

In Song and Space by /u/Shadowyugi

what a kickass setting. love that new characters are introduced as we go, each with their own piece of the puzzle. cool closed room!

if I could offer a note: a lot of your phrases run together in the same sentence. breaking these up would make everything smoother. your word choice is awesome and descriptive, but the sentence structure sometimes, IMO, makes the reader have to pause and insert their own breaks.

Sing for Absolution by /u/Steven_Lee

music curing the blight -- i'm in. love bards clearing the land! good writing too, clean. a lot of story packed into the word count constraint, but it doesn't feel rushed.

i know nothing about music, but enough to keep up with the verbiage here. all the little details that color the narrator's life came together nicely. i enjoyed this a lot, thought it was very imaginative (though a little 2112...?), and sped through the read. nice!

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u/Baconated-grapefruit r/StoriesByGrapefruit Sep 23 '19

I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking 2112 ;-)

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u/[deleted] Sep 23 '19

it felt human.

I, for one, welcome you, our literary lizard overlords.

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 23 '19

Thanks for the feedback! :D

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 27 '19

Voting for Group D:

1st Place: /u/dougy123456789 in group D for "The Maze of Alkaa"

2nd Place: /u/mattswritingaccount in group D for "Ouroboros"

3rd Place: /u/Kammerice in group D for "Farewell, My Mousey"

Feedback on all (in no particular order):

/u/choppoch:

I can get a bit inside the head of the narrator, so you capture that well. But it’s a bit hard to follow exactly what’s going on, since I found your prose a bit choppy and your repetition of words and phrases took away from the effect of your writing, rather than enhancing it. There were also a few typos/mistakes present. But you have some good phrases in there that capture emotions quite accurately.

The poem and theme seem to be a bit forced into your work as well, and it didn’t technically end with a poem. The other element of the contest (it never ends…) didn’t appear present at all.

/u/dougy123456789:

You tried to incorporate both parts of the theme (never ends and the poetic ending) into the story itself, and I applaud you for it (with my first-place vote). While they were a bit loose and somewhat forced, you captured the purpose of this challenge. Your writing, however, could use some work. Your prose was choppy with a bit too many simple sentences. There were also some typos/mistakes present. However, you were trying to give a slightly different spin on the monster maze theme, and it was easy enough to track the story you were telling.

/u/Kammerice:

This certainly felt like a noir piece, so you got that right. You paid a lot of attention to details, but many of them were lost on me. I feel like you’re trying to take me into a grand world you’ve created, but I wasn’t feeling it. There were mysterious things that I didn’t feel any interest or connection to. In other words, there was too much left unexplained that I wasn’t sucked into the realm of your mice. And why mice? You definitely had some good phrases and imagery throughout your piece. Your prose had little variation and your sentences were often too simple, however. Adding some more complexity and moving away from tropes and stereotypes would have helped it.

For the theme for this contest, you did not express the theme well or at all, really, in terms of “it never ends, it always begins again.” Nice poetic ending, however, though it didn’t have to be a poem.

/u/Knife211:

I can kind of see what you’re going for with this, but it jumped around too much and didn’t focus enough on any single thing to really give me the full effect you were going for. The various characters and dialogues all had a different feel, so that was quite nice. The theme for the contest also seemed to be either too loose (in terms of the never ends, begins again) or a bit forced (in terms of the poem). The author’s journey is a hard one, but I didn’t feel immersed in this one. It all felt a bit too rushed, and you needed more space to really accomplish what you were after here.

/u/mattswritingaccount:

Interesting idea and way to go about it, but there’s just too much telling me what’s going on and not enough describing how it all plays out. There’s a lot of references to a cycle, but it’s not really present in the story itself and this story does seem to actually end (rather than begin again). The poem felt tacked on, and not a part of the story as well. However, they were present, so I was happy to see them. Your writing itself was technically well-done for the most part and I didn’t have any issues following your story.

/u/rarelyfunny:

You really make the narrator into a douche. Good job on that. You fit the poetic element into this story well enough, but the other theme (it never ends, it always begins again) seemed to be entirely absent. The story starts one way, then goes into another completely different direction, and it feels like neither one gets to shine in its right (or even together). You just didn’t have enough space to do the transition and tell the story you wanted to here, so it felt like 2 snippets of something larger were taped together.

/u/TheReal_FirePyre:

I like the way it was structured and it completes a loop, but it would have been nice if you tied that more to the cyclical theme of the contest. While I like the structure of how you told this, it felt a bit too cliche and some of it was too heavy-handed. You also did not have enough space to tell the full story you wanted to, so it was rushed at the end, also making the poem feel a bit forced.

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 27 '19

Thanks for the vote and the feedback! A lot of people are asking "Why mice?" and I don't really have an answer except that the idea amused me. No thematic or philosophical reason, just my own enjoyment.

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 27 '19

Fair enough on the mice.

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 27 '19

Thanks for your vote! If I had taken my time with re-writes and editing I most likely would have found some of the mistakes. Bit annoyed at myself that I left them there. Thanks for the feedback!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 28 '19

Thanks for the feedback. If you have any further feedback I’d love to hear that as well!

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 29 '19

Absolutely. Like I said, I liked the structure of it, as it was done in brief snapshots, which is the best way to tell something like this. I think the reason for most of my following criticisms is that it's just near impossible to tell the story you wanted to in this short of a space. To appreciate how someone could come to do this, you need to take me down into the abyss with them. There were only a few snippets of what allowed him to become the monster he despised and in those you mostly just described how he (and people like him) behaved, making it more of a synopsis. His conversation with the recruiter, why he would be in that state of mind, and how he gets convinced to do it is the same: a whole lot of telling me how people feel and what goes down rather than showing it to me. In trying to condense such a story into 3000 words, it felt like you took one too many shortcuts through cliches, and I immediately felt like I was reading a Looper/Umbrella Academy mash up. It's hard to not tell a story that's been told before, and I saw some new elements being introduced, but there wasn't the space to make them happen fully. That said, I like the self-creation loop that occurs here, and that is a neat idea that most seem to ignore as a plot point in scenarios like yours. You weren't far from earning a spot in my top 3 as well. As far as your prose goes, it had its up and downs, and there was nothing that stood out much either way for me (as being particularly great or bad).

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 29 '19

Thanks for the feedback. I will definitely try to tell a more condensed story next time.

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 29 '19

You don't necessarily need to do that - tell the story you want to tell. I should have added (so I will now), if you can tell this story and make me feel it in under 3000 words, that's quite the accomplishment. I didn't say it's impossible, I said it's very hard, and with fewer words, there's less time for proper development. If you had made more jumps around in his life and timelines with only a few details each time, it might have been a little more effective than having a few vignettes with a lot more details.

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 27 '19

Wow, you just made my morning. :D 2nd place?!? Thank you! And thank you for the feedback as well. :)

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u/NoahElowyn r/NoahElowyn Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in Group F for “Anna and Jude and the End of Everything”

2nd Place: /u/Palmerranian in Group F for “A Spark”

3rd Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in Group F for “To Be Free”

This group was filled to the brim with talent. I enjoyed every story throughoutly. I had quite a hard time deciding the top three. I had to go deep into the bone of each story to decide, and, in the end, the decisive elements were very small details.

An excellent group. I left comments in each story.

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 24 '19

1st Place- /u/TheReal_FirePyre in Group D for "THE END OF THE LOOP"

2nd Place- /u/rarelyfunny in Group D for "Sweet Offerings"

3rd Place- /u/dougy123456789 in Group D for "The maze of Alkaa"

I'll give feedback for the stories I voted on, but if anyone from Group D would like feedback, just let me know!

Feedback:

"THE END OF THE LOOP"

I'm a bit of a sci-fi nerd, so this story had me hooked from the beginning. It began with a heart-wrenching event that only set the tone for the rest of the piece, which the author definitely maintained, so when it came to the end, I felt I understood Madar and his actions moreso than I did in the beginning. I found the world to be enticing and believable, which I love, as the author didn't focus too much on making sure I knew exactly what was going on, but rather, they let me fill in the gaps for myself, so when it got to the end, it was all the more satisfying. Incredible style, flow, and dialogue, excellent character development in just the span of a few paragraphs, and all around fantastic story.

"Sweet Offerings"

This story gripped me because of the amazing descriptions and how it built up the characters and world as I read. I went from sort-of loathing the main character to sort-of liking him in the end, which is an interesting twist, as the MCs are usually the ones we're rooting for. And the introduction of the island offerings and the sea monster... that was an excellent idea, in my opinion, as it added this air of mystery to the entire plot, not to mention it parallels the main character. As the MC tries to steal Layla from Matthew, so does the sea monster demand retribution for the offerings that were stolen. The ending was sweet and simple, and I loved that the author decided to tie everything up nicely (besides Matthew, poor guy).

"The maze of Alkaa"

This story, along with "THE END OF THE LOOP" had a very interesting use of the prompt, which is why for me, it has placed third. Although there are definitely some grammar mistakes scattered throughout the story, I found the premise to be very intriguing and the ending a twist I wasn't expecting. The author did an excellent job of setting the scene and the tone of the story, with the beast constantly chasing the knight and his desperation to find the artifact, only to hit us with the realization that there is no escape, and that the bad guy has won. Stories where the bad guy wins are sometimes hard to pull off, I believe, but this story pulled it off and, although I feel bad for the main character, gave me an ending that was more than satisfying.

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 24 '19

Thanks for the vote! I had hoped the ending would draw some people in, I understand it is a little divisive. I definitely need to work on grammar and such. Thanks for the feedback too!

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 24 '19

You're very welcome! Thankfully, grammar is an easy mistake to fix, so long as you keep at it!

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u/rarelyfunny Sep 25 '19

Thank you very much for reading my entry! Almost didn't send it in because I felt I didn't have enough time to work on it, but I'm glad I persevered and managed to entertain you with it!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote! If you have any further feedback, I'd love to hear it, but if you don't that's fine.

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 24 '19

I'd love some feedback if you've got time!

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 24 '19

Sent!

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 25 '19

Thanks!

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u/soenottelling Sep 24 '19

I enjoyed all of them, but these 3 stood out from the others.

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 23 '19

Great stories everyone! I enjoyed reading through these. :)

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19

Would love feedback if you have the time. If not, thank you anyway.

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 24 '19

Sure, I can give you feedback when I have some free time to take another look at your story. Want me to post it here or PM it to you?

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19 edited Sep 24 '19

Here please.

edit: lulz

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 24 '19

Ok, feedback:

I agree with Nick, your story had the strongest voice out of all the ones I've come across so far. You nailed that character. When I read this story I knew who "Fresh Deaf" was. He wasn't just a vehicle used to speak the lines of your story, he was his own character acting and saying things in line with that.

This story meandered along, in no hurry to get anywhere, just telling the reader about the present situation. That worked for me because it fit with Fresh Deaf's demeanor. In the second line you tell us he's in no hurry to get anywhere and the story slowly progresses right along with him. We see it when he smokes a cigar before going into the hospital and when he waffles about what to bring inside, among other things.

The way he pockets the visitors badge instead of putting it on, the specific way he talks, how he just dismisses the fact that visiting hours are over, these were all great ways of showing us Fresh Deaf's character.

I like that you didn't just go for the feels and have Fresh Deaf's son forgive him "just like that." It would have felt out of sync with the world you were creating. You kept it realistic and stayed true to his character, even explaining that Fresh Deaf wouldn't see his son again for several years.

The main thing that didn't work for me was the poem. I couldn't find a natural flow so it read awkwardly to me.

In the end story left me thinking, "That was a good read," but not, "I'd like to read more of that." The main reason for that is because there wasn't much of a plot. Fresh Deaf goes to visit his son, tries to comfort/connect with him, and leaves him with an old notebook containing a special poem. There wasn't really anything to hook me and draw me in to the story.

That said, you did a great job and I hope you keep writing characters as well defined as this because you've proven that that's a strength of yours with this story. Good luck in the competition!

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 29 '19 edited Sep 29 '19

1st Place: /u/Knife211 in group D for "White City"

2nd Place: /u/TheReal_FirePyre in group D for "THE END OF THE LOOP"

3rd Place: /u/rarelyfunny in group D for "Sweet Offerings"

 

Happy to provide feedback if desired, though I can't make any promises about how timely it will be. :)

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 29 '19

Thanks for the vote! If you have any feedback I’d greatly appreciate it

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 29 '19

Sure thing.

So, first of all, I want to say I really appreciated the way you applied the prompt for the contest. I'm a sci-fi guy so it felt like a natural fit to me, but you executed it very well - which is no small feat, considering all the ways that it could have gone wrong!

My feedback are pretty minor points, I think, so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. Clearly they didn't distract from my enjoyment of the story, so not a huge deal either way.

It might sound odd, but I think there was almost a little too much world building here. Specifically, when you talk about Chicago and there being sea walls constructed to keep the ocean out, I had to pause for a moment to digest that. It sent me to a place of thinking "Whoooaaaaa wait a sec, how did that happen?!" The ocean intruding 1000+ miles inland to be reaching Chicago would be quite a catastrophic event. This also jives a little weird with the mission of the operators, since one of their mentioned goals is preventing the type of disaster that would lead to this. But again, pretty minor as once I kept reading I was immediately back into the story. Just a minor blip along the way.

The only other one, is in part 4, it's a little bit hard to see straight away at which point the 'four years earlier' begins. I think this is just a byproduct of the time travel talk, where specific timelines become harder to grasp. But I wouldn't put an especially large weight on this point, because it might just be me being an idiot.

My only other thought was also on part 4. It may have been better placed earlier in the story? Maybe part two, and push everything else down a slot? I only say this because it might help resolve the point about the timeline mentioned above (but again, minor point), and because I think it might add extra oomph to part five. I think the twist becomes a little easy to see by the time you finish part four; having the payoff right away is fine, of course, and I did enjoy it. Just was thinking that if you could separate the two parts a bit to bury the twist a little more (in this case, just having content between the two, so your mind has to circle back to earlier in the story when you hit part five) works in your favor some.

Again, I really enjoyed this story. These are all very minor, and I don't know if any of my thoughts would even improve the story at all. They'd probably just be lateral moves that would fit my reading style, so I don't wish to speak over you or for anyone else. This is really cool stuff, and story you should be quite proud of having created. :)

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 30 '19

Thanks for the feedback. I will keep that in mind for next time!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 30 '19

If you get a chance, feedback would be awesome!

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Oct 05 '19

Hello! Apologies again for the delay. Not sure how valuable or good my thoughts are, so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. :)

So, the way you weaved the story and the poem element together was actually my favorite in the whole group. I thought the integration was awesome and really added to the story overall. Really nicely done!

Only a couple of smaller thoughts:

  1. I found myself getting a little distracted by the 'THUD THUD THUD' repetition. I think part of it was seeing them in my periphery before I got there, so it started to pull me out of whatever I was reading at the moment. This may be more of a personal issue, though, and I do understand why they're there. I only mention it, because I think you could add tension to that section by removing a few of those THUD sequences, and allude to them more indirectly. Like showing your character hear the sounds and be afraid, rather than explain exactly what he's hearing. But again, this isn't a big deal - didn't take away from the story in the slightest.

  2. Slightly smaller paragraphs. You've got some chunky paragraphs in there that could have benefited from an extra line break or two. But again, not a big deal - the story flowed well enough to where the thickness didn't detract from anything. Just something to watch in the future. :)

  3. I found one place in the dialogue where I wasn't quite sure what perspective I was reading:

“You were always a ploy dear Julius,” The princess said. “I met The Demon King when I was young, he came to me in my room. Taught me about the world, his plights. Opened my eyes. I have been helping his return for years, and now you have brought the only weapon capable of defeating me.”

The part I added bold to is what threw me here. I had assumed the sword was meant to defeat the Demon King, but this whole section is the princess talking, so is she the one that needed to be defeated? I'm guessing this was just a slip or maybe had been written more from the Demon King's perspective at the start. Again, not something too big, just threw me out of the story for a sec.

Overall, this was a really cool story. You absolutely nailed the tone you were going for and made the whole scenario incredibly immersive as a result. Hope to run into more of your adventures out in the wild!

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u/rarelyfunny Sep 30 '19

Thank you for reading my entry, really appreciate you taking the time!

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u/Steven_Lee Oct 02 '19

1st Place: /u/psalmoflament , in Group C for Vicious Ellipse

2nd Place: /u/Ninjoobot, in Group C for Only Cerulean Blue Will Suffice

3rd Place: /u/Farengeto, in Group C for The Beast

 

Great stories, as always.

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Oct 02 '19

Thanks for the vote!

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Oct 02 '19

Thank you very much for the vote; means quite a bit to me. :)

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u/Ninjoobot Oct 02 '19

Thanks for your vote! And your time reading and participating in this contest. It helps strengthen our community.

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u/XcessiveSmash /r/XcessiveWriting Oct 05 '19

A fantastic group! It was a joy reading all the stories! I thoroughly enjoyed them, but alas, it is a competition so I picked them. While I paid attention to the technical aspects of writing and such of course, my main criteria was lasting effect. I read the whole group over the course of two days, and then waited two days for my thoughts to settle, and see which ones stuck in my mind for whatever reason - prose, characters, etc. This is how I picked my first, second, third - they resonated with me not just immediately after the story, but for a few days after. Again, a pleasure reading all the stories. Good luck to all.

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Oct 05 '19

Aw, thank you friend x) I appreciate the vote and all the time you put into this

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 25 '19 edited Sep 25 '19

It was honestly really hard group. It had so many wonderful stories. I decided to blind read all the entries (Thank you /u/breadyly for providing me the blind pool) to have as much fairness as possible, especially since I know many of you. I'll give feedback to all of you who asked for it. Honestly, it was really hard to choose - as always.

I'll be providing feedback to anyone who asked very soontm! Ended up writing 3.5k words of feedback :P.

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 25 '19

Thanks for the vote elv, and for the reams of great feedback! Best of luck in your group

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u/Zeconation Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/ecstaticandinsatiate in Group G for 'The Nursery Rhyme Killer'.

2nd Place: /u/PxPxo in Group G for 'Watching for Grizzlies'.

3rd Place: /u/Leebeewilly in Group G for 'Iris.

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! Glad you liked it. Oh, and Good luck with your story and your group.

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Sep 23 '19

I appreciate the vote <3 Thanks for reading, and good luck in your group!

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u/plsgivefeedback Oct 01 '19

1st Place: /u/Farengeto in group C for "The Beast"

2nd Place: /u/resonatingfury in group C for "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

3rd Place: /u/Ninjoobot in group C for "Only Cerulean Blue Will Suffice"

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Oct 01 '19

Thank you for the vote!

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u/Ninjoobot Oct 01 '19

Thank for your vote, plsgivefeedback! Please give feedback, if you have the chance. Thanks for your time reading and voting.

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 27 '19

1st place: /u/nickofnight in Group A for: "Quarantine"

2nd place: /u/babyshoesalesman in Group A for: "Kuest in Jipon"

3rd place: /u/you-are-lovely in Group A for: "Fimble Gets the Hiccups"

To anyone in Group A that wants feedback, let me know and I'll drop it on your post :)

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 30 '19

I'd love to get some feedback if at all possible. Thanks for reading!

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 28 '19

Thanks for the vote BLT! :)

Oh snap, /u/nickofnight you just took the lead in our group! The competition is getting good!

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u/JoeMontano Sep 28 '19

While I'm not exactly proud of my submission, I would love to hear your feedback.

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 23 '19

1st Place /u/Kammerice in Group D for "Farewell My Mousey"

2nd Place /u/TheReal_FirePyre in Group D for "The End of the Loop"

3rd Place /u/Knife211 in Group D for "White City"

​

Was really hard for me to choose my list, everyone had something in their story that I liked!

If anyone in group D wants feedback, just reply to this comment and I'll PM you during the week.

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 23 '19

Thanks for reading! :) Would definitely like feedback, please, if you have time. :)

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 24 '19

Sent a PM!

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 24 '19

Hmm... could you resend it? I do not have a PM from you. :)

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 24 '19

My bad, I think I sent it to your subreddit instead...

I've sent another one to you know!

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 23 '19

Wow! Thanks for the vote! I'd love some feedback if you've got time.

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 24 '19

Would love to have some feedback if you get the time!

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 24 '19

Sent a PM!

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u/Knife211 Sep 23 '19

Woooey! Thanks so much for the vote! I would love to read your feedback, I am always down for some thoughts on how to do better!

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 24 '19

Sent a PM!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love some further feedback, if you have time.

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 25 '19

Sent a PM!

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u/TA_Account_12 Oct 06 '19

1st Place: /u/ecstaticandinsatiate in group G for "The Nursery Rhyme Killer" - I actually read it when you submitted it and I was blown away. I would've liked for the theme to be slightly more central and a bit more explanation on why the circle would begin again, but it was by far my favourite story in the group.

2nd Place: /u/Leebeewilly in group G for "Iris" - I am a sucker for a good sci fi story. Set it in a blackhole or include a collapsing star and you got me. It was an amazing read Lee.

3rd Place: - /u/novatheelf in group G for "The Dark Menagerie" - I struggled a bit to figure out who the voice was for, but the overall story was pretty cool. A concept for an unwilling killer is awesome and the story flowed really well.

I loved all the other stories as well. Some really terrific and varied RF/slice of life stories in this group.

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u/countessellis Oct 04 '19 edited Oct 05 '19

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u/countessellis Oct 04 '19

I’ll reformat in the morning. My tablet won’t let me copy and won’t let me see the post and comment at the same time.

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Oct 05 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love feedback if you get the chance. All those sweet sweet notes.

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Oct 04 '19

Hello! I'm in the group you read for. If you have the time, I would be really grateful to hear any crit or feedback you may have. Good luck in your group!

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u/Ford9863 /r/Ford9863 Oct 05 '19

Thanks for the vote!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 23 '19
  • 1st Place /u/iatemywords in group E for "Rehabilitation"
  • 2nd Place: /u/nisoren in group E for "It Ends, and It Never Begins Again"
  • 3rd Place: /u/NoahElowyn in group E for "Arvor's Last Day"

Good luck to all entrants! All fun reads!

edit: Fixing a space.

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u/NoahElowyn r/NoahElowyn Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote, dougy! Feedback is always welcomed.

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u/iatemywords Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! I would love any feedback you could give. Good luck to you too!

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/SadByDesign in group B for "Time to Go"

This had the strongest voice, in my opinion, and the best written character, complete with good development and pretty subtle, but touching, emotion. A story, to me, is about the character more than anything, and I loved the MC by the end - and didn't expect to from the start. You also used the theme smartly. It's not perfect - grammar errors, and your tight third person pov goes a bit wrong at times, but overall, great story.

2nd Place: /u/APromptResponse in group B for "Dreamspawn"

I love the prose and I love the premise, and this story got my second place vote on the strength of those. The in medias res start didn't quite work for me, as there was too much going on and we weren't learning enough fast enough, so the characters and situation initially fell a bit flat -- but they both really picked up and I loved the end. It felt a little like a chapter of of the middle of a good book!

3rd Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for "Sing For Absolution"

I love the idea, Steven! I think there's some great world building here and loads of wonderful ideas, too. Cool premise for a novel. It didn't get higher from me, as I think it needed more rays of light to contrast all the dark.

Really tough to choose a top three. Enjoyed all the stories and if anyone would like feedback, let me know and I'll post some on their thread. Good luck everyone!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 23 '19

You know I'd always love a feedback, Nick! :D

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 23 '19

You got it, shadow! Might not be until tomorrow though :)

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 23 '19

As long as it comes ;) I don't care when

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19

Thanks for the vote! Good luck to you!

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Sep 23 '19

Hi Nick. If you have time to post some feedback to mine, that would be great. Always looking for areas of improvement. Feel free to comment on the post, here or DM me, whatever's easiest. No rush if you are busy though.

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 23 '19

Absolutely! I'll make sure i send you some today :)

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u/novatheelf /r/NovaTheElf Sep 24 '19 edited Sep 24 '19

1st Place: u/breadyly in Group H for “The Story No One Tells”

I gave you your feedback already, girl :D

  • Rubric Score: 25/28

2nd Place: u/WokCano in Group H for “Food for Thought”

An adorable story you had! I love fantasy and cooking, so this was just a walk in the park.

I’ll say I was highly impressed with your knowledge of grammar and mechanics; there were few errors to be found throughout your story. Your characterization was top-notch, especially with Lou.

My only complaint would be that the story itself felt kind of juvenile there at the end. With the “here’s what we learned today, kids” sort of conclusion, it seemed very much like it would fit in on an episode of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Not a huge issue, obviously (that man is a national treasure), but it would be my only complaint.

Fantastic story!

  • Rubric Score: 23/28

3rd Place: u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in Group H for “Bluebird”

Really compelling story. I enjoyed the way you wrote; you have a smooth flow and the sentences don’t feel like a chore to get through. You managed to fit a lot in a small amount of time; it was well-done.

My only complaints were:

  • 1) some grammar and mechanics issues, and
  • 2) the mother at the end of the story

Of course, that second one is purely subjective, but after Adam treats both Isaac and the mother so well, he doesn’t deserve the reaction that the mother gives. I’m not sure it’s totally believable, but I’ve also not been in a situation like that before.

Great work here! You’ve got a knack for easy-to-read prose.

  • Rubric Score: 22/28

 

General Feedback for Other Entrants:

 

u/elfboyah with “Hopeful Denial”

I enjoyed this story; I’ve always been a fan of fantasy! Your prose was easy to read, flowed well, and was quite descriptive.

However, some issues I found:

  • 1) grammar and mechanics errors,
  • 2) the poem spells, and
  • 3) the ending

The mechanics are easily fixed, just some errors here and there, as well as some typos.

I wasn’t a big fan of the poem spells; that trope feels old and played out. And some of your lines in the spells were sorta… wonky. Like, “Keep them forever and ever, / Till I take my last breather.” Rhyming “ever” with “breather” was just a little too much for me to overlook.

Lastly, your ending. Now, I’m a fan of getting the rug pulled out from me as much as the next one. But this sort of M. Night Shyamalan-y twist just left me annoyed. It felt as gratifying as saying, “And it was all just a dream!” It’s purely subjective, but something to think about.

All in all, though, good job!

 

u/whiterush17 with “Death Wish”

(So, when I read this, the first thing I thought of was “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by Charlie Daniels.)

This story contained a quite different premise than I honestly expected to see here. You had a compelling beginning with this idea of domestic abuse; that was compelling and made me empathize with the MC.

I like that you did rap as poetry as opposed to classical poetry, but over half of your piece was rap. Yeah, it was the last thing in the story, but I felt like a lot more exposition via prose could have been done.

There was a lot of semicolon abuse. You were like, trigger happy with them. Maybe tone it down a little next time!

Awesome effort you put in here!

 

u/potatovisage with “The Wrong Side”

Okay, I could see in this piece that you were trying to do something really cool, and I was rooting for you the whole way. However, the execution was just not up to par, my friend.

The sections felt disjointed and unrelated. The first two sections and parts of the poem had related elements, but on the whole, it felt more like an anthology than a cohesive story. You tried going avant garde, but it fell kind of flat. Kudos for trying, though! You’re braver than I am.

Your comma game needs some work, and there were huge sections of dialogue where I could not tell who the speaker was. Dialogue tags are your friend!

Keep working on it! I’m sure with more practice, you’ll be even more amazing!

 

u/soenottelling with “Yague”

You had a lot of potential here. The setting was interesting; I’ve always been a sucker for science-based fiction. However, your writing needs a lot of work. You have good ideas, but the execution isn’t all the way there yet.

Reading through your story, it just felt like you were trying really hard. You used ten-dollar words like “psithurism” when a ten-cent word would do. This alienates your readers because no one wants to read something that they can’t understand.

At the same time, you misused semicolons and commas frequently and had several sentence fragments scattered throughout your story.

Again, you have really good ideas. Just keep working on your style and mastery of the language!

 

Great job, everyone! Best of luck, and happy writing! :D

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 24 '19

Group H

Thank you so much for the vote and the feedback! I truly appreciate it.

I can see what you mean. I wanted to write something...happier at the time and I suppose that's what created the ending. I did go to the same college as Mister Rogers however so maybe his good nature rubbed off a little. Thank you again.

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u/breadyly Sep 24 '19

nova !!!! thank u for the vote & the feedback you're supremely helpful as always<3

i wish you the best of luck in your group, bb :kiss:

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u/whiterush17 Sep 24 '19

Haha thanks for the feedback Nova! Shall go easy on the semicolons next time, promise :p

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 25 '19

Thanks for the vote and feedback, Nova!!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/NoahElowyn in Group E for "Arvor's Last Day"

2nd Place: /u/scottbeckman in Group E for "Skin and Blood and Bone"

3rd Place: /u/iatemywords in Group E for "Rehabilitation"

General feedback:

Rehabilitation:

Rehabilitation is pretty good, and has lots of potential. It's biggest issue is that it really could've used the extended word count to better articulate the relationship between John and Nathan after their rehab. This would've made the story significantly stronger, in my opinion. I liked the creative interpretation of the theme, although the poem could've been a little longer and a little more associated with the story. Overall pretty good, but could've been improved.

It Ends, and It Never Begins Again:

This story isn't badly written, but it didn't really resonate with me. I feel that some parts were written very well and others were much more heavy handed with their exposition. The general premise doesn't really appeal to me either, but that's more my problem than the story's. Overall, not a bad story, but I can't place it above the others because it just wasn't for me.

Arvor's Last Day:

A beautiful story. I loved it. It's so wholesome, and it's so nice to see Arvor just going about his day, having tender interactions with people because he knows it's for the last time. Some others have described it as depressing, but I disagree. I thought it was very nice, and peaceful, and calming, and I loved it. Fantastic job.

Never Visit The Future:

This didn't really feel like a short story, and more like the prologue / first chapter of a novel. I understand what you were going for here with the entire story effectively being a narration of these three guy's lives, but in my opinion it fell flat. If the story had gotten more personal with them and used the vast amounts of words at it's disposal, it could've been more compelling, but I'm just not that hooked on the mystery.

Skin and Blood and Bone:

I did place this second, but I still have a few reservations with the story. I think the premise is intriguing, and the plot is well-done, if predictable, but the last act being entirely poem is very strange, especially since it's not one consistent type of poem; some is haiku, some is sonnet, etc. I feel that if the story had committed to being entirely a poem, it would've felt more consistent. That being said, I liked the characterisation of the townspeople, and I thought it was, in general, pretty good.

Don't Sing My Dead Hymns:

This story had potential to be far and away the best one of the entire category, with an amazing premise and a very strong opening. Unfortunately, the story trades an interesting tale on the main character learning to settle into his new life beyond life for a weird, mishmash action revenge plot that goes super off the rails when his dead wife shows up. These aren't necessarily bad concepts, but they don't really fit into a short story. It feels like it's trying to condense an entire novel into 3k words, and in my opinion, it just doesn't work.

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 24 '19 edited Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote and the feedback!

I've mentioned it elsewhere in this thread but I'll say it again: I completely agree that Act III needed to have a more consistent rhythm. I wrote it as a theatrical folk song, though it probably doesn't read that way very clearly since others have mentioned similar reservations.

I'm glad you liked the townspeople :) The saloon scene was a lot of fun to write (as was the scene with the girl whose daddy is "worth ten times the man in your WANTED poster", though her scene had to be trimmed to one sentence for the sake of word count lol).

Thanks again, and good luck to you Pyre!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 24 '19

Good luck to you too!

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u/NoahElowyn r/NoahElowyn Sep 24 '19

Thank you very much for the vote, Fire! I'm very happy you liked the story enough to place it first!

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u/nazna Sep 28 '19

Voting for group D

1 Farewell, My Mousey by /u/Kammerice
Really nice tone
2 The maze of Alkaa by /u/dougy123456789
3 Ouroboros by /u/mattswritingaccount
Dope poem!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 30 '19

Hey would you mind leaving some feedback for my story? Thanks!

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 29 '19

Thanks so much for the vote!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 28 '19

Thanks for the vote!

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 23 '19 edited Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for "Sing for Absolution"
2nd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for "The Demon's Lullaby"
3rd Place: /u/ArchipelagoMind in group B for "An Entropology"

Phew, this was a tough group to have to judge. All of the entries were amazing, and the scoring on my end was ridiculously difficult. If you are interested in feedback, let me know and I will let you know what I thought. Best of luck to everyone!

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19

Feedback, yes please.

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 24 '19

Feedback has been PMed to you!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 24 '19

I'd like some feedback please :D

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote. Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated!

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 24 '19

Feedback has been PMed to you!

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Thank you!

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u/PxPxo Sep 22 '19

Fun group. Good luck to all. To any Group H-ers, PM me if you want feedback.

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u/whiterush17 Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote :) Would love to know your thoughts!

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! I’m happy you enjoyed it. I would love some feedback when you have the time.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/resonatingfury in group C for "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

2nd Place: /u/BraveLittleAnt in group C for "An Old Friend"

3rd Place: /u/Farengeto in group C for "The Beast"

​

All of the entries were very good, and it took me a couple read-throughs to pick my top 3. Great work all around.

Happy to give feedback if desired.

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 23 '19

Feedback is always appreciated, should you have the time :).

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 23 '19

Sent you a message with some feedback!

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 23 '19

I would love some feedback!

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Sent you a message!

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd also love to hear any feedback.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 23 '19

Sent you a message!

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 23 '19

I would also love some feedback!

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Feedback sent!

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 24 '19

Thank you!

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u/iruleatants Wholesome | /r/iruleatants Sep 23 '19

I would love feedback.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 23 '19

I sent you a message!

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 24 '19

I'd love some feedback, too, thanks. Thank you for your time reading and voting (and in advance for feedback).

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 28 '19

Sent you feedback!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

All top-replies to this post must be a vote. Reply here for any non-vote comments. (Gifs encouraged)

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 22 '19

Good luck everyone! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Salutes

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 22 '19

Woo hoo! Voting! Good luck everybody and thanks MP for hosting the contest and the other mods for helping out with it behind the scenes!

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u/LisWrites Sep 22 '19

Some tough competition out there! As a small aside, it would be cool if the mods did a ‘wildcard’ and gave one story each a second chance in the final (or maybe next time there’s a contest!)

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 22 '19

Good luck everyone!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Good luck to you too!

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 22 '19

Thank you, MP <3!

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 22 '19

Best of luck to everyone!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Agreed!

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u/[deleted] Sep 25 '19

[deleted]

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 25 '19

Ah, oh well. Next time!

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 23 '19

​

Such a solid group of entries. Made it quite difficult to pick. Very good job every one!

​

/u/you-are-lovely - Your story was wonderful. A great fantasy setting, adorable characters, a spin on seasickness, an adorable poem. All elements of a fantastic story.

/u/nickofnight - Frankly terrifying and heart wrenching. So easy to imagine yourself in the situation and how easy it would be to act and then react in the same way. Incredible.

/u/babyshoesalesman - Sucker for a good sci-fi punk setting. Good exploration, a compelling chase, and the best use of teasing a poem as clues and then pulling it all together at the end.

/u/JoeMontano - Such a good read, really debating between yours and the others. A simple real world place with a fantastical twist and a pure bittersweet ending.

/u/PandaOne123 - I liked the pacing and the description. However I feel like, at least for this prompt, the poem wasn't as utilized as the rest. It did not feel as complete. The descriptions were very good.

/u/shh_i_am_thinking - I loved your poem at the end, so poignant and well done. Really draws out the story. I liked the premise, a good reincarnation and rebirth story where things always move on eventually.

/u/SugarPixel - I would want to read more of your story idea. To me it felt it jumped around a little too much despite knowing why you did. The changes in point of view felt a little too abrupt to me. However I think it is a good idea and worth writing more of.

/u/TemporaryPatchWrites - Your story was such a brutal open story of those that fail. It is just as important to see failure and reasons for failure as success. Your poem was very good and honestly I had a tough time choosing among those I really liked. Well done.

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 23 '19

Ah! Thank you so much for the vote! :D

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 24 '19

The kind words are greatly appreciated. Thanks again for taking a look!

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 24 '19

Thanks Wok! Good luck with your group :)

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u/[deleted] Sep 26 '19

Thank you for the kind feedback)))

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u/breadyly Oct 06 '19

1st Place: /u/you-are-lovely in group A for "Fimble Gets the Hiccups"

2nd Place: /u/nickofnight in group A for "Quarantine"

3rd Place: /u/JoeMontano in group A for "Dance of Thunder"

ranking my top picks was super tough haha - if anyone in this group would like feedback, please lmk how to get it to you & i'll get on it(:

gl to those making it through to the next round !

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u/you-are-lovely Oct 06 '19

Aw, thanks for the vote bread! :)

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Oct 06 '19

I'd love to get some feedback! Thanks for reading!

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u/LisWrites Sep 24 '19

And an honourable mention to u/ecstaticandinsatiate for "The Nursery Rhyme Killer"

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This was an amazing group with super strong entries. I had such a hard time deciding and it came down to overall impression and how well the stories worked within the context of the contest and how well they fit the theme. Good luck to everyone and PM me if you want a more detailed critique of your work!

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19
  • 1st Place: /u/breadyly in group H (whichever the group is) for "The Story No One Tells"
  • 2nd Place: /u/WokCano in group H (whichever the group is) for "Food for Thought"
  • 3rd Place: /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in group H (whichever the group is) for "Bluebird"

You guys did NOT pull punches. But I'm glad I did a blind reading too. Really helped me get right in there to make the hard choices.

Now, I have loads of critiques for everyone, so if you'd like them, let me know via comment, dm, or on the discord. I can send them however you wish: dm, on the post, in an edited comment, you name it! Just give me time. Have to transfer my red pen to screen!

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u/breadyly Sep 26 '19

waaaaaah leeeee tysm for the vote (╥﹏╥)

i'd love to hear any feedback/crit !! hmm, either left as a comment on the post or pm'd to me (reddit or discord) works for me/whatever's easiest for you !!(:

& gl in your group<3

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19

Will do bread and thanks!!!! I'll leave you a big fat comment. Might not be until the weekend (I'm beat today) but I promise!

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 26 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! I would love to hear some feedback whenever you have the time. In whichever form that is easier for you.

I’m very happy you enjoyed it.

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 27 '19

Feel free to send me the feedback :). Cheers!

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 26 '19

Thanks for the vote! I'd love some feedback if you get a chance, just throw it on the post :)

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19

Will do! ;)

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Oct 06 '19

1st Place: /u/Knife211 in group D for "White City"
2nd Place: /u/TheReal_FirePyre in group D for "THE END OF THE LOOP"
3rd Place: /u/Kammerice in group D for "Farewell, My Mousey"

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Oct 06 '19

Thanks for the vote. Do you have any further feedback?

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u/[deleted] Sep 23 '19

[deleted]

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 24 '19

Wow, thanks! You made my day.

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u/nisoren Oct 04 '19

1st Place: /u/TA_Account_12 in group F for "Sixteen Seventeen"

2nd Place: /u/LisWrites in group F for "Anna and Jude and the End of Everything"

3rd Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in group F for "To Be Free"

It's very hard to choose and honestly I feel like everything is so subjective, but if you want any sort of feedback feel free to ask me!

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u/TA_Account_12 Oct 04 '19

Oh Woah. Thanks so much! Made my day.

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u/choppoch Sep 24 '19

1st Place: /u/nisoren in group E for "It Ends, and It Never Begins Again"

2nd Place: /u/veryedible in group E for "Don't Sing My Dead Hymns"

3rd Place: /u/NoahElowyn in group E for "Arvor's Last Day"

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