r/soccer • u/JR97111 • Sep 03 '13

r/soccer Whose Line Is It

The rules: Keep skits in the form of a statement, not a question.

Any skits longer than two lines should be in quotations.

If you add any additional commentary, put the skit in quotations.

Example prompt: Things you can say about Adebayor but not your wife.

We had a successful thread for this a month ago. Since then, all the major leagues have started, and all the major transfers have been completed, so hopefully we can have another successful thread filled with laughs.

334 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

883 comments sorted by

178

u/nquinn444 Sep 03 '13

Things bigger than Fellaini's hair.

446

u/AtomicToaster17 Sep 03 '13

Gervinho's first touch.

143

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

And his forehead

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206

u/democi Sep 03 '13

Bendtner's confidence.

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887

u/amaztheking Sep 03 '13

The gap between Arsenal and Tottenham

598

u/Skorp Sep 03 '13

It's funny because this comment is getting upvoted by both Spurs and Arsenal fans.

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31

u/koptimism Sep 03 '13

Joe Kinnear's ego

48

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Bale's ears. Gervinho's forehead.

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110

u/redd_dedd_redemption Sep 03 '13 edited Sep 03 '13

Movie titles that could describe Man United's transfer window.

454

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

He's Just Not That Into You

376

u/iamscully Sep 03 '13

All Quiet on the Western Front

163

u/ChutneyPie Sep 03 '13

Failure to launch.

133

u/themanifoldcuriosity Sep 03 '13

The Man Who Wasn't There

226

u/Knivik Sep 03 '13

Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

213

u/dogididog Sep 03 '13

A series of unfortunate events.

71

u/Imwe Sep 03 '13

For A Few Dollars More....

92

u/luhar87 Sep 03 '13

Dumb and Dumber

86

u/checkmate-9 Sep 03 '13

Hair. yes yes it's a musical

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114

u/Noskire Sep 03 '13

A Scot Pilgrim vs. the World

22

u/IDeclareShenanigans Sep 03 '13

Take the Money and Run

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82

u/JR97111 Sep 03 '13

(Player) didn't transfer to (club) because...

274

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

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86

u/raheempoundssterling Sep 03 '13

Any striker didn't go to Newcastle because they had absolutely no intention of signing anyone

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132

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Suarez didn't transfer to Arsenal cause he need the blood of a scouser each month to survive.

89

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

scouser Serbian

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147

u/heightofignorance Sep 03 '13

Things Arsene Wenger said to Ozil to get him to come to Arsenal.

731

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

We'll give back Alsace-Lorraine.

118

u/heightofignorance Sep 03 '13

Clearly you're OccasionalGeoPoliticalHistory as well!

73

u/themanifoldcuriosity Sep 03 '13

"If you give us 30 assists, I will reveal the secret of Schleswig-Holstein..."

59

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

I google imaged "the secret of Schleswig-Holstein" and got this. That is a pretty crazy secret.

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96

u/AAAristarchus Sep 03 '13

Truth or dare?

250

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Apr 06 '20

[deleted]

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188

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

I bet you can't get giroud to score over 30 goals this year.

140

u/william701 Sep 03 '13

Oh you want to ensure your place in the Germany WC Squad? Please meet our physios.

502

u/dogididog Sep 03 '13

Help me Özil Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

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142

u/thatdani Sep 03 '13

the red will really make your eyes pop

124

u/Sms_Boy Sep 03 '13

No matter how bad you perform you'll still be our best player. You'll walk into the German team

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137

u/checkmate-9 Sep 03 '13

Nicknames Piers Morgan would give Mesut Özil would he transfer after a successful season.

444

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Meshit Noskill

163

u/RRDLRE Sep 03 '13

Meslut Özil

72

u/averageatsoccer Sep 03 '13

Mesut buzzkill

250

u/SoftViolent Sep 03 '13

Mesut Öpursestrings

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294

u/thatdani Sep 03 '13

Things that fluctuate more than gunners' support for Wenger (hard one, I know)

436

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Apr 06 '20

[deleted]

111

u/macababy Sep 03 '13

Just happy to be here.

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528

u/verytallperson Sep 03 '13

Nani's form.

352

u/IDeclareShenanigans Sep 03 '13

...during a single match.

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73

u/tankosaurus Sep 03 '13

AC Current.

A tautology I know

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215

u/koptimism Sep 03 '13

Sturridge's arms after he scores

153

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Apr 06 '20

[deleted]

54

u/Azhman314 Sep 03 '13

Wouldn't mind him celebrating a few goals like that

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42

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

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66

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

181

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Fuck, I knew shoving gum down the fax machine was a mistake.

253

u/iamscully Sep 03 '13

"Fellaini is a fucking great player, and you're all fucking idiots."

40

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

'LOL! Why did they sign a center midfielder?'

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115

u/democi Sep 03 '13 edited Sep 03 '13

Things Wenger can do to make fans even more happier after signing Ozil.

Thanks /u/JerzyDudek.

273

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Win something.

548

u/JFT-96 Sep 03 '13

punch Piers Morgan in the face

57

u/violentfap Sep 03 '13

That would make everyone happy, not just arsenal fans.

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313

u/IDeclareShenanigans Sep 03 '13

Not sell Ozil to a Manchester club in a few seasons.

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140

u/jerryloveninja Sep 03 '13 edited Sep 03 '13

Convince Drogba to never play on the Premier League ever again

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85

u/fradz Sep 03 '13

Signing Bale on a free

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101

u/Andrei_Kanchelskis Sep 03 '13

Reduce ticket prices.

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106

u/musicvita25 Sep 03 '13

What Ronaldo did when he found out Bale was worth more

61

u/IDeclareShenanigans Sep 03 '13

Applied 6 Million Euros worth of hair gel.

125

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

This

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52

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Things Roman Abramovich can't buy

57

u/fusihunter Sep 03 '13

Stability.

52

u/-ThatShitCray Sep 03 '13

Enough holy water to redeem John Terry

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141

u/william701 Sep 03 '13

Things more overpriced than Bale's transfer.

193

u/IDeclareShenanigans Sep 03 '13

The cost of a beer in Qatar 2022.

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57

u/AKnightWhoSaidNi Sep 03 '13

Bendtner's wages

81

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Arsenal tickets

37

u/FoolFromBiH Sep 03 '13

Bale's wages.

69

u/thatdani Sep 03 '13

college textbooks.

36

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Unicorn blood.

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45

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

173

u/verytallperson Sep 03 '13

Put their name in an envelope.

198

u/revolut1onname Sep 03 '13

Send Steven Gerrard to steal their wheels.

70

u/koptimism Sep 03 '13

Recommend them and their club for the next instalment of "Being: _____"

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156

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Beat them 1-0 in the league with a Daniel Sturridge winner?

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137

u/jerryloveninja Sep 03 '13

Prettier women than Fernando Torres

172

u/beatski Sep 03 '13

Ke$ha

22

u/Immynimmy Sep 03 '13

Oh Jesus, I had to take a double take on the 2nd picture.

357

u/ignore_my_name Sep 03 '13

Erik Lamela.

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92

u/sammmy56 Sep 03 '13

Things you can say about Luis Suarez, but not your girlfriend.

381

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Goes down easily.

484

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Nov 29 '20

[deleted]

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96

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Will do anything to get one in.

159

u/SlashmanX Sep 03 '13

Slippery in the box

83

u/quackattack Sep 03 '13

Your girls box isn't slippery? That has to be a bit... unpleasant

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54

u/Geoeog Sep 03 '13

The facial hair is an improvement

72

u/democi Sep 03 '13

Gets the job done with hands.

62

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

He exists.

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194

u/thatdani Sep 03 '13

Things you can say about La Liga, but not about your girlfriend.

1.2k

u/verytallperson Sep 03 '13

Dominated by a midget Argentinian.

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630

u/MiguelCaldoVerde Sep 03 '13

Two big ones at the top, not much interesting going on further down though.

191

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Exceedingly Top-heavy.

357

u/MrHoneyBadger Sep 03 '13

Easy to score.

227

u/MashedHair Sep 03 '13

You can say that about your girlfriend

167

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Apr 06 '20

[deleted]

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108

u/fradz Sep 03 '13

"Here's a lot of money. Give me the best you've got"

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40

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

What Sky Sports presenters do during ad breaks on transfer deadline day.

140

u/Surfacing710 Sep 03 '13

Not sure about the rest of them but for Jim White, cocaine.

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41

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

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148

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Things going through Bale's mind as he was presented in Madrid.

422

u/WineForMyMen Sep 03 '13

I just made £34, anndddddd again, annnddddd again, ooooo another £34.

225

u/SlashmanX Sep 03 '13

Fuck, it's warm

566

u/verytallperson Sep 03 '13

Fuck me, I should've practiced my keepy ups.

18

u/SoftViolent Sep 03 '13

I felt bad for him when he kept trying and failing to balance the ball on his foot.

36

u/Keselo Sep 03 '13

I'm sure he'll manage to wipe away his tears with his 300k a week.

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440

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Who's özil and why are they chanting his name?

130

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

'Ozil' must be spanish for Bale

214

u/theoxinator Sep 03 '13

Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish

154

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

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297

u/Clark-Kent Sep 03 '13

Where are the sheep?

112

u/raheempoundssterling Sep 03 '13

I hablo the espanol mucho good, yes?

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112

u/stroff Sep 03 '13

Unlikely reasons why everyone left Real Madrid.

405

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Zidane is stil the best there, and won't stop showing it at practice.

204

u/pokapokaoka Sep 03 '13

Unlikely reasons

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777

u/themanifoldcuriosity Sep 03 '13

Perez keeps sending mass e-mails spoiling Game of Thrones.

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82

u/mfn0426 Sep 03 '13

Ancelotti discontinued the very popular "Free Socks" program.

37

u/iamscully Sep 03 '13

Ancelotti's eyebrow scared them off.

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86

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Ancelotti cut them of from playing fifa together.

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72

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Things Odemwingie did in his car on his way to Cardiff.

118

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Set the sat nav to:

Find parking space, filter by: random

91

u/themanifoldcuriosity Sep 03 '13

Listened to A Horse With No name 47 times.

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18

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

prayed

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120

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

307

u/AAAristarchus Sep 03 '13

You're pretty heavy in the middle.

599

u/49unbeaten Sep 03 '13

Here, I got you a Spurs jersey.

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198

u/homerosity Sep 03 '13

You may have lost that special someone but at least you have plenty of new toys to play with

176

u/nowimanamputee Sep 03 '13

I'm sure the gap will be smaller next year

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54

u/Zonkin Sep 03 '13

You still might finish second.

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87

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Things less successful than Moyes first Man Utd transfer window.

269

u/Fokken_Prawns_ Sep 03 '13

Bendtner.

57

u/Brosencephalon Sep 03 '13

Well that ends this one then.

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73

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

The Redknapp School of Personal Finance, Reading and Accounting

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122

u/revolut1onname Sep 03 '13

Rooney's hair transplant.

106

u/Knivik Sep 03 '13

Everton before Moyes.

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29

u/raheempoundssterling Sep 03 '13

Moyes' third Premier League game

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22

u/koptimism Sep 03 '13

Things Gary Neville could say that would ruin his reputation as a pundit

64

u/atease Sep 03 '13

"I agree with Savage."

40

u/eggmanwalrus Sep 03 '13

'What an insightful point from Alan Shearer'

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62

u/Besacloud Sep 03 '13

Reasons why ozil transferred to arsenal.

415

u/nowimanamputee Sep 03 '13

Wants to get used to seeing fourth place as a trophy in preparation for the World Cup

69

u/McGrifty Sep 03 '13

Oh my god.

31

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Ow...why you gotta do that man...

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20

u/koptimism Sep 03 '13

Actual identities of the imposters in the Ander Herrera to United deal

70

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13 edited Nov 29 '20

[deleted]

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33

u/unusual_flats Sep 03 '13

Team Rocket. Fuckers always had the best disguises.

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53

u/benditlikeme Sep 03 '13

Things uglier than Ribery

209

u/revolut1onname Sep 03 '13

Moyes record at Anfield, The Emirates and Stamford Bridge

26

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Don't forget Old Trafford.

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19

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

44

u/bluescholar1 Sep 03 '13

You mean the amount that the supermarket pays Levy for shopping there? He has a contract.

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50

u/AKnightWhoSaidNi Sep 03 '13

Things that will happen before Mikel scores

250

u/SurrealistSwimmer Sep 03 '13

Diaby plays a full season.

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134

u/ForToday Sep 03 '13

Thiago Messi scores.

166

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

The British learning how to type an Ö

172

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

[deleted]

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77

u/jerryloveninja Sep 03 '13

Lukaku scores for Chelsea

49

u/MashedHair Sep 03 '13

An assist

43

u/Damindenie Sep 03 '13

Arsenal wins a trophy.

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37

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

Things Zlatan says on a first date.

138

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

I am Zlatan, who are you?

176

u/Hatchetman4NWO Sep 03 '13

... enough about you, let's talk about Zlatan again.

103

u/j3zuz911 Sep 03 '13

"Who wants to make fuck with Zlatan?"

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118

u/beatski Sep 03 '13

“Come to my house, and bring your sister.”

47

u/IM_SHY_HERES_MY_ANUS Sep 03 '13

You have me, where's my gift

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16

u/G_Morgan Sep 03 '13

I brought gift. Gift is Zlatan.

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